A Magnetic Couple Dilemma (Unfinished Liaisons Series) (6 page)

Did this confirm that he was gay? He didn't give away any
signs at all, and Javier always prided himself on having a great gay-radar. Who
knows? He might be getting old or out of practice.

He grimaced, he would be lucky if he reached an older age.
Unless Esteban kicked him out, he would stay by him as long as he could. Javier
couldn't afford to waste any chance of any kind, and this man was something he
didn't want to miss. Even if Esteban left the church, Javier knew that didn't
mean he was anxious to have sex with the first person who proposed it.

Shaking his head he tried to convince himself that the
attraction for Esteban was not erotic, it was simply his need to feel protected
and accepted, and Esteban radiated security for him.

He remembered Raul's words. If he said such things then he
knew what his brother preferred, right?

The knock on the door startled him, and he opened it with
trembling hands, finding Esteban outside, dressed in buttoned-down pajamas with
a pair of rimless eyeglasses hanging on his nose.

The man had a doctorate on un-sexy-ness, but who cared if he
was dressed for Halloween, Javier's goal was undressing him. Yes, scratch any
regretful thoughts, he was game.

"I'm checking to be sure you're okay."

"I'm okay."

"Good, I'll be sleeping at the end of the hall, don't
hesitate to call me if you need anything."

"Sure, I will, thanks."

"Good night."

He took a few steps before turning and saying, "I'm
sorry, if I was rude earlier, but I'm not used to being with anybody for so
many hours."

"It's fine, no offense here. You smell good, which
cologne is it?"

He lifted a brow and adjusted his eyeglasses. "Aramis
Classic."

"Oh, nice. Well, I'm taking a shower too, before going
to bed."

"We are going to Hoboken tomorrow afternoon for sure.
Feel free to sleep late if you like that."

Translation, stay out of my way. Yeah, right. In your
dreams, thought Javier. Aloud he said, "Thanks, I love to sleep late in
the mornings."

This time Esteban walked down the hall until he disappeared.
Javier closed the door and leaned into it.

No way, he would never be laid again; he didn't have the
courage to seduce anybody.

By the time he got out of the shower, he decided to try; he
played with the idea of showing up only with a towel and some silly excuse, but
discarded it for being too blunt. In the end, he did something even blunter.

After dressing up with a T-shirt and shorts, he knocked on
the door where Esteban slept. As soon as said door opened, he scurried into the
room without being invited and stood in the middle of it. Esteban had not gone
to sleep yet, and without closing the door simply observed him as if trying to
understand the motivation of Javier's behavior. The green eyes behind the pair
of rimless eyeglasses were wise and tender.

"What is it now, Javier?"

Javier walked to the door and closed it. Even knowing they
were alone, he wanted to make sure the intimate atmosphere was complete. This
time Esteban scowled. "What are you doing?"

"You said that if I needed anything I could come here
and ask."

"Yes, but…"

Javier stepped into his space, so close he could feel his
breath. "I need a hug, a simple hug, please."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not? You're bigger than me, why are you so
afraid?"

"I'm not afraid of you, but me. You're used to a
different lifestyle, and I've always lived following tradition."

"Break with it."

"I'm a lonely man; despite my family, I'm essentially
alone. Somehow, I'm used to that, but if I share my time with you, and you
leave me, it will be devastating for me. So, it's better if we don't play these
games."

"Why should I leave you?"

"Because you're young, and I'm not. If I had been a
promiscuous teenager, I could have been old enough to be your father."

"Nonsense. My dad is in his sixties. Besides, Mauricio
was about your age."

Impressed, Esteban rasped. "I'm not Mauricio. If you're
seeking a substitute for him, you're in the wrong place."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that."

Javier felt Esteban's hand lifting to his chin, the eyes
behind the glasses searching his. "Listen, right now, we're a big mess,
the both of us, and somehow our present stage is related to Mauricio's
death."

That last statement got all his attention, what was Esteban
talking about?

"Very few people knew this, but I was in love with
Mauricio for many years, and he loved me too."

"What exactly did happen between
the two of you?"

For a moment, he thought Esteban
would refuse to tell him, but letting go of his face, he sat on the bed while
explaining. "I wish I could say that we had the most passionate romance
ever. Sadly, it was the romance that never was. Mauricio and I loved one
another in a sweet way, and stayed in touch until his death. That is it."

"Do you really expect me to
believe that it was only platonic? Come on, Esteban, I was married to the man,
I know very well how little patience he had for sweet and tender love."

By the way Esteban looked back and
forth between his hands and Javier, it was obvious he considered his next
words.

"Your relationship with him was
real, while mine was a fantasy of sorts. We probably kissed a couple of times,
but that was it, because I tried not to touch him to avoid temptation."

"Oh, God Esteban, I know you are
telling the truth, but it's so hard to understand why you held back your
passion so much." When Esteban fixed his gaze ahead, Javier added.
"I'm sorry I forgot the whole celibate vows thing."

Javier sat next to him and perceived
how Esteban
started and froze,
but remained in
his place, before saying, "We found out that we were in love shortly after
joining the seminary, and we were supposed to be chaste."

All Javier could do was to open his eyes in awe.
"Mauricio wanted to be a priest?"

The question brought a timid smile to
Esteban's mouth. "Mauricio's vocation was more for me than for the church,
so when he couldn't take it anymore he left, but I became a celibate
priest."

"Why didn't you guys leave together?"

"Because I'm a coward, yes, that was why." He paused
and breathed before admitting. "I feared my family, the church, my
friends, everything. I loved him in silence and from the biggest distance I
could put between us. Though I never knew what I lost until he married
you."

Javier studied his expression, but Esteban kept looking
ahead. "You must have hated me."

"No. How could I? I said that I loved him, and when you
love someone you want that person to be happy."

"I guess so."

"Well, he was happy thanks to you. I won't deny I felt
jealous, but it was only for a short period of time. I sublimated my feelings
for him into the real friendship that should have always been. At the time of
his death, I was at peace."

"So why are you a mess now?"

"Javier, I'm still a coward."

"Don't you crave someone's touch?"

"There was a time I did, but I learned to live without
it."

He stood and walked to the door, Javier imagined he would
leave him there in any moment.

"Hey, this is your room don't go please. I don't want
to disturb you, but I got confused." Javier paused because they reached
the door and Esteban turned around facing him, a few inches taller than his own
six feet, Javier had to raise his head to look him in the eyes, but instead he
focused his gaze on Esteban's full mouth.

Javier stepped forward, Esteban circled him going back to
the bed, and Javier followed him. "Esteban, there is something between us
that isn't about friendship, and I perceived it as soon as I met you."

"I agree, that's why I think it's dangerous for us to
be alone. Please go back to your room."

In that moment, Javier noticed the briefcase with the
letters over the nightstand next to bed. Apparently, Esteban had been reading
his own letters.

"You miss him too?" Esteban
followed his sight to the briefcase before answering.

"Of course, he was the love of
my life." His voice broke off at the end.

"Oh, Esteban, I'm so sorry, I came here to…"
Javier trailed off because he came to this room to seduce him, and they were
talking about their mutual lost love. Javier felt ashamed of what he tried to
do and Esteban told him, "I know why you came here, and I understand. I've
never been a sexual person, but I know there are people who only can relate to
another through sex."

He gently pulled Javier until he sat next to him on the bed.

"Mauricio was like that too. I loved him, and somehow
he loved me too, but you were the love of his life."

"Really? When you told me what happened between the two
of you, I thought that you were the one he loved the most."

"Before he met you, he used to tell me all the details of
his affairs, which were so many I lost track eventually, and some I rather
didn't know about. I lived vicariously through him. Somehow he experienced the
world while I stayed in my little cocoon."

"That's something I would have never guessed."

Javier couldn't find anything else to say, so he waited for
Esteban to continue.

"It took me months after he died to guess it myself, we
had a symbiotic relationship. I comforted him and supported him, while he
entertained me with his anecdotes of a life I would never enjoy. When he met
you, something changed. He no longer wanted to share his intimacy with me,
which hurt me, but at the same time, relieved me. Today, I'm glad he
didn't."

After saying those words he picked a book that was next to
the briefcase and pulled a letter he handed to Javier. "This is the letter
he sent me after he met you. We continued writing to each other, but less
frequently."

When Javier hesitated to read it, Esteban took the envelope and
pulled the letter from inside, giving it again to him.

"Go ahead, read this part, it's all right."

Javier recognized Mauricio's handwriting, and read aloud the
paragraph Esteban pointed out.

"My beloved friend, you helped me to make this life
easygoing while being my faithful confidant, but I've fallen in love as deeply
as I've never told you before. Please forgive me because in the future I won't
be sharing the intimate details of my love life with you."

The written words affected Javier in an unexpected manner.

"See? You were the one he loved the most."

Esteban's words were simply stating what he thought true, no
resentment, only pain.
Javier tried to hold the tears,
but ended up giving up, he really
hadn't
had the
chance to cry for Mauricio with someone who understood his loss. Despite that,
i
n the instant Esteban took him into his arms, Javier changed pain for
hope.

The hope of one day being sheltered by Esteban's love, which
he anticipated
capable of erasing the suffering clung to
his exhausted young flesh.
Esteban's reserved demeanor contrasted with
the heat his strong hands delivered every time they roamed over his back while
trying to calm him down. The gesture was comforting, but enticing as well.

Esteban didn't know what to do, he
had comforted others in the past, but someone like Javier never. He could see
how the younger man trembled, how he looked about to break down, and remembered
what Diego said. If Javier got depressed, his immune system might be affected.
Also what Mauricio wrote to him, and darn, Esteban wanted to hold him in his
arms. Period.

He knew that the lingering
memories
 
of Mauricio was enough to keep
them from getting intimate, at least for tonight.

Esteban knew that if he continued
spending time with Javier something would happen sooner or later. He didn't
need to wait for the Pope to dispense his celibate promise, which was the
protocol, but in his case it might never come, because it was only granted if a
former priest needed to marry, and the kind of union he had in mind wasn't
acknowledged by the Vatican.

Besides, there was nothing bad in
holding someone who needed comfort, except Esteban needed the embrace more than
Javier. He finally had raised both arms and held him. Javier felt warm, strong
yet vulnerable when he murmured.

"I'm sorry, I'm acting like a
drama queen."

"It's okay. I know how bad you
feel, and you must be tired, it has been a long day."

Both ended laying over the bed, Javier leaning on him, and
Esteban decided for one night he could be close to someone without regretting
it; although, later when Javier muttered against his chest, "It feels so
good in your arms that I want to stay in here forever."

Esteban wondered if this weakness would eventually have a
higher price, and thought of leaving Javier sleeping there alone, but couldn't
move. Because seeing him there with him, was a reflection of what could be his
life. If Javier felt good between his arms, Esteban found his reason to live
holding him.

When they arrived at Hoboken, Raul drove off as soon as they
got out of the car. Somehow, Javier was glad, because Esteban and he had fallen
asleep in the same bed, and although nothing happened, he'd lost his heart
again and didn't feel like sharing the news with anybody. Especially not with
Raul, who had mistaken the bed sharing for something else, and given Javier a
thumbs up behind Esteban's back. How did one explain to Mr. Lust the
possibility of sleeping with someone without fucking the person mindlessly?

Now, he found himself standing next to Esteban in front of a
big stone townhouse. Like most houses on that street, it had a staircase
leading from the sidewalk to the door, which opened in a small foyer that led
to another staircase. A door next to the interior staircase opened and Diego walked
through it.

His brother-in-law had the most warming smile he'd ever seen
in anyone, and Javier was grateful for the fact that he didn't look at all like
Mauricio. They had different fathers, so while Mauricio was tall and light
skinned, Diego at about five feet tall plus some inches, barely reached
Javier's shoulder. He hugged him closely, and Javier welcomed the embrace. He
needed that warm body offering comfort without sexual expectancies from either
party. Diego felt skinnier than he remembered him, and he had dark circles
under his eyes, which were obvious despite his olive skin.

"It's so nice to see you, Javier."

His voice was soft-spoken, but full of energy.

"Yes, I'm glad to be here too."

"How are you doing?"

"Much better."

They separated and Diego looked him up and down as if doing
his own evaluation. His black eyes were wise beyond his age, and his shoulder
length dark hair started to show some gray. In that moment, Javier realized
that he had the same nose as Mauricio, fine, but aquiline.

Dressed in a beige turtleneck and jeans, he looked younger
than the forty-something Javier knew he was. He held him once more before
letting him free—Diego's complete persona was beautiful, inside and out.

"Let's go in; I prepared that gingerbread you like so
much."

In that moment, Esteban asked Diego for the key to his
place. "As usual, I forgot mine."

Diego searched the multitude of keys with colored labels
hanging from his belt, picked one and handed it to Esteban. To Javier he said,
"Come with me, let me show you where you will be staying."

Esteban had climbed a few steps before turning around and
saying, "Javier, this is the best place for you right now, trust me. Diego
is a better friend than me. See you around."

He went upstairs leaving Javier disturbed. That was it. He'd
handed him to someone else and left. Not that Javier knew him better than
Diego. Good, if he didn't want him around, so be it.

While drinking coffee and eating gingerbread, Javier met some
of the other residents of the house. There were two young women living with
Diego on the first floor. In addition, on the second floor, two other older
women with what Javier counted as seven children. Diego explained to Javier
that the Hidalgo Foundation had a shelter for the homeless, but that sometimes
if the place was full, he brought home some families until they could find a
permanent home.

One of the young women got close to Diego, and interlacing
her hand with his, leaned against Diego's side, while looking inquisitively at
Javier.

"This is my girlfriend, Carly. Honey, this is Javier.
Remember? I told you about him."

She rubbed herself some more against Diego, while saying,
"Hi."

Javier had seen that look before, it could be translated as
'what a waste you're gay'.

In the next hour, her hold on Diego increased, and Javier
wondered if Raul got it all wrong. It was Carly keeping Diego, not the other
way around.

Diego seemed so delighted with his presence, he asked Javier
to move in with him permanently. He would have his own room, small, but
private. When Javier asked how much rent he would have to pay, Diego explained,
"Nothing. You can contribute some cash for the utilities, and bring food
for everyone if you want, but there is no rent to pay."

"None? How come?"

"Well, the house is paid in full. Well, there are the
taxes, and other stuff, but there is a fund for that too."

When Javier continued looking at him without understanding,
Diego elaborated some more, "This house was Esteban's great grandmothers'
home. She wanted to leave it to him, but because of his priesthood, anything he
inherited would become the church's property. She willed it to me, but it's his
home. Anyway, I've lived here most of my life too."

These were interesting anecdotes. Diego told him many more,
which expanded Javier's understanding of the relationship of the Alvarez
brothers and the Hidalgo family. Diego's mom had rented the second floor of
that same house when she was pregnant with Mauricio. She'd been abandoned by Diego's
father because she got pregnant by someone else, who deserted her too.

"Don't get me wrong, she is a great woman. When I was
growing up, she kept two jobs to support us."

Javier listened to Diego's account of their childhood, which
had been easier, thanks to the support the Hidalgo family provided. Doña Vibi
had always made sure they got enough to eat.

"Food is essential to that family. That's the thing I
remember the most, there was always so much food around."

Diego had added with a wide smile, while he gave Javier a
tour of the town. The Hidalgo family owned many properties in the four towns of
the waterfront, mostly in Hoboken and Jersey City, including some businesses.

Diego explained that the main business they had was
importing goods from Spain: wine, olive oil, Spanish confectionery, etc. For
decades, they had a chain of restaurants, but the recession had affected them,
so only one Hidalgo Spanish Italian restaurant remained in Hoboken.

"The others," Diego had paused before saying,
"That evil creature turned them into strip clubs, or gentlemen clubs as
they are called today."

The evil creature was Raul, whose name Diego rarely
pronounced, he was always referred to using some bad appellative. When Diego
and Carly left to go shopping for the baby, Javier went upstairs and knocked on
Esteban's door.

As soon as Esteban opened it he said, "I'm on my way
out."

"Are you dismissing me?"

"No, it's the truth, I'm going to my parent's house. I
must explain my decision to a few members of my family. After that, I have a
few choices of places I can work as a teacher, all around the country."

"I didn't know you were also a teacher."

"Well, I'm a Jesuit… I guess I've never stopped being
one. Besides my law degree, I have a doctorate in theology, I can teach in any
college or university." He shrugged. "It's a matter of checking which
of my friends who left the priesthood before me are now working at
universities, and could hire me or recommend me."

"If you leave Hoboken, please take me with you."

Esteban's gaze slid away from Javier as he explained.

"Javier, you have to stay with Diego in the meantime,
otherwise everybody is going to think I left the church for you, and that is
not true."

"I don't care if they think that."

Esteban's gaze returned to meet Javier's eyes while he
pressed his lips together.

"But I do."

Sighing Javier agreed.

"Okay. I'll stay with Diego, he asked me to move in
with him before, but I didn't want to bother him."

"It's okay, he'll be pleased to have you around."

Javier held his hand. "After your family gets used to
the idea that you're no longer a priest, can we live together?"

Esteban looked back at him in silence and Javier continued.

"Esteban, I'm tired of being this sad because I'm
alone. You're the only person I can relate to, not even Diego makes me feel as
at ease as you do. I want to have someone to live for, to fight for, please
Esteban."

Suddenly, Javier remembered his status, and let go of
Esteban's hand.

"Oh, God. I forgot the whole HIV thing. I'm sorry, the
idea of not seeing you got me crazy, I can't move in with you."

This time Javier got Esteban's attention for sure.

"Javier, being honest, I don't know if sex is in our
future, even if we live together. I'm not sure how I will ever see sex as
something normal after so many years of abstinence."

Javier smiled and declared enthusiastically.

"That makes you my perfect partner."

"I don't know, Javier. This is unexpected for me, and
I'm used to planning my life to the smallest detail."

Javier sulked, and said, "It's because of the virus,
right?"

Esteban surprised him when he leaned forward and hugged him,
pressing his cheek to Javier's face, but keeping their lower bodies separated.

"Listen, Javier, if we ever do it, there is safe sex is
for this type of case, right?"

"Yes, there is, but there is always a risk, and I would
never date anyone who is HIV negative. I'm sorry for being this bold, when I
know this might be so awkward to you."

Esteban shook his head. "Your HIV status is the least
of my worries, I can live with that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I need time to think about if I want to share my
life with you, that's all. If I decide to give us a chance, I won't be a coward
again, it won't be easy, but I'm willing to give it a try."

This time Javier wasn't so sure anymore. "But the
risk…"

"I'll take the chance if I think we could have a future
together."

"And if you don't?"

"I'll leave you alone to find someone who can make you
happy."

Feeling Esteban's warm body so close, Javier muttered.
"Perhaps, I'm not worthy of you."

Esteban broke the embrace, and looking him in the eyes,
cupped Javier's face in his hand while stroking his skin with the thumb from
the same hand.

"You are so worthy for me that I want the best for you,
and I don't think I'm the best you can get. You're still young, and you can do
better."

Then slowly he leaned forward and
tentatively pressed his lips over Javier's
mouth. The
tender kiss lasted only seconds, and without another word,
Esteban walked away and went down stairs.

Esteban kissed him!

Javier stayed in the same spot long after Esteban was gone.
That was all he could think of, and he hadn't reacted in time. If he ever got
that close to him again, Javier wasn't going to let it go so easy.