A Moveable Feast (7 page)

It is necessary to handle yourself better when you have to cut down on food so you will not get too much hunger-thinking. Hunger is good discipline and you learn from it.

And as long as they do not understand it you are ahead of them. Oh sure, I thought, I'm so far ahead of them now that I can't afford to eat regularly. It would not be bad if they caught up a little.

I knew I must write a novel. But it seemed an impossible thing to do when I had been trying with great difficulty to write paragraphs that would be the distillation of what made a novel. It was necessary to write longer stories now as you would train for a longer race.

When I had written a novel before, the one that had been lost in the bag stolen at the Gare de Lyon, I still had the lyric facility of boyhood that was as perishable and as deceptive as youth was. I knew it was probably a good thing that it was lost, but I knew too that I must write a novel. I would put it off though until I could not help doing it. I was damned if I would write one because it was what I should do if we were to eat regularly. When I had to write it, then it would be the only thing to do and there would be no choice. Let the pressure build. In the meantime I would write a long story about whatever I knew best.

By this time I had paid the check and gone out and turned to the right and crossed the rue de Rennes so that I would not go to the Deux-Magots for coffee and was walking up the rue Bonaparte on the shortest way home.

What did I know best that I had not written about and lost? What did I know about truly and care for the most? There was no choice at all. There was only the choice of streets to take you back fastest to where you worked. It went up Bonaparte to Guynemer, then to the rue d'Assas, up the rue Notre-Dame-des-Champs to the Closerie des Lilas.

I sat in a corner with the afternoon light coming in over my shoulder and wrote in the notebook. The waiter brought me a
cafe creme
and I drank half of it when it cooled and left it on the table while I wrote. When I stopped writing I did not want to leave the river where I could see the trout in the pool, its surface pushing and swelling smooth against the resistance of the log-driven piles of the bridge. The story was about coming back from the war but there was no mention of the war in it.

But in the morning the river would be there and I must make it and the country and all that would happen. There were days ahead to be doing that each day. No other thing mattered. In my pocket was the money from Germany so there was no problem. When that was gone some other money would come in.

All I must do now was stay sound and good in my head until morning when I would start to work again.

9 Ford Madox Ford and the Devil's Disciple

The Closerie des Lilas was the nearest good cafe when we lived in the flat over the sawmill at 113 rue Notre-Dame-des-Champs, and it was one of the best cafes in Paris. It was warm inside in the winter, and in the spring and fall it was very fine outside with the tables under the shade of the trees on the side where the statue of Marshal Ney was, and the square, regular tables under the big awnings along the boulevard. Two of the waiters were our good friends. People from the Dome and the Rotonde never came to the Lilas.

There was no one there they knew, and no one would have stared at them if they came. In those days many people went to the cafes at the corner of the Boulevard Montparnasse and the Boulevard Raspail to be seen publicly and in a way such places anticipated the columnists as the daily substitutes for immortality.

The Closerie des Lilas had once been a cafe where poets met more or less regularly and the last principal poet had been Paul Fort whom I had never read. But the only poet I ever saw there was Blaise Cendrars, with his broken boxer's face and his pinned-up empty sleeve, rolling a cigarette with his one good hand. He was a good companion until he drank too much and, at that time, when he was lying, he was more interesting than many men telling a story truly. But he was the only poet who came to the Lilas then and I only saw him there once. Most of the clients were elderly bearded men in well-worn clothes who came with their wives or their mistresses and wore or did not wear thin red Legion of Honour ribbons in their lapels. We thought of them all hopefully as scientists or
savants
and they sat almost as long over an aperitif as the men in shabbier clothes who sat with their wives or mistresses over a
cafe creme
and wore the purple ribbon of the Palms of the Academy, which had nothing to do with the French Academy, and meant, we thought, that they were professors or instructors.

These people made it a comfortable cafe since they were all interested in each other and in their drinks or coffees, or infusions, and in the papers and periodicals which were fastened to rods, and no one was on exhibition.

There were other people too who lived in the quarter and came to the Lilas, and some of them wore Croix de Guerre ribbons in their lapels and others also had the yellow and green of the Medaille Militaire, and I watched how well they were overcoming the handicap of the loss of limbs, and saw the quality of their artificial eyes and the degree of skill with which their faces had been reconstructed. There was always an almost iridescent shiny cast about the considerably reconstructed face, rather like that of a well-packed ski run, and we respected these clients more than we did the
savants
or the professors, although the latter might well have done their military service too without experiencing mutilation.

In those days we did not trust anyone who had not been in the war, but we did not completely trust anyone, and there was a strong feeling that Cendrars might well be a little less flashy about his vanished arm. I was glad he had been in the Lilas early in the afternoon before the regular clients had arrived.

On this evening I was sitting at a table outside of the Lilas watching the light change on the trees and the buildings and the passage of the great slow horses of the outer boulevards. The door of the cafe opened behind me and to my right, and a man came out and walked to my table.

'Oh here you are,' he said.

It was Ford Madox Ford, as he called himself then, and he was breathing heavily through a heavy, stained moustache and holding himself as upright as an ambulatory, well-clothed, up-ended hogshead.

'May I sit with you?' he asked, sitting down, and his eyes which were a washed-out blue under colourless lids and eyebrows looked out at the boulevard.

'I spent good years of my life that those beasts should be slaughtered humanely,' he said.

'You told me,' I said.

'I don't think so.'

'I'm quite sure.'

'Very odd. I've never told anyone in my life.'

'Will you have a drink?'

The waiter stood there and Ford told him he would have a Chambery Cassis. The waiter, who was tall and thin and bald on the top of his head with hair slicked over and who wore a heavy old-style dragoon moustache, repeated the order.

'No. Make it a
fine a l'eau,'
Ford said.

'A. fine a l'eau
for Monsieur,' the waiter confirmed the order.

I had always avoided looking at Ford when I could and I always held my breath when I was near him in a closed room, but this was the open air and the fallen leaves blew along the sidewalks from my side of the table past his, so I took a good look at him, repented, and looked across the boulevard. The light was changed again and I had missed the change. I took a drink to see if his coming had fouled it, but it still tasted good.

'You're very glum,' he said.

'No.'

'Yes you are. You need to get out more. I stopped by to ask you to the little evenings we're giving in that amusing Bal Musette near the Place Contrescarpe on the rue Cardinal Lemoine.'

'I lived above it for two years before you come to Paris this last time.'

'How odd. Are you sure?'

'Yes,' I said. 'I'm sure. The man who owned it had a taxi and when I had to get a plane he'd take me out to the field, and we'd stop at the zinc bar of the Bal and drink a glass of white wine in the dark before we'd start for the airfield.'

'I've never cared for flying,' Ford said. 'You and your wife plan to come to the Bal Musette Saturday night. It's quite gay. I'll draw you a map so you can find it. I stumbled on it quite by chance.'

'It's under 74 rue Cardinal Lemoine,' I said. 'I lived on the third floor.'

'There's no number,' Ford said. 'But you'll be able to find it if you can find the Place Contrescarpe.'

I took another long drink. The waiter had brought Ford's drink and Ford was correcting him. 'It wasn't a brandy and soda,' he said helpfully but severely. 'I ordered a Chambery vermouth and Cassis.'

'It's all right, Jean,' I said. 'I'll take the/w. Bring Monsieur what he orders now.'

'What I ordered,' corrected Ford.

At that moment a rather gaunt man wearing a cape passed on the sidewalk. He was with a tall woman and he glanced at our table and then away and went on his way down the boulevard.

'Did you see me cut him?' Ford said.
'Did
you see me cut him?'

'No. Who did you cut?' 'Belloc,' Ford said.
'Did
I cut him!' 'I didn't see it,' I said.

'Why did you cut him?' 'For every good reason in the world,' Ford said.
'Did
I cut him though!'

He was thoroughly and completely happy. I had never seen Belloc and I did not believe he had seen us. He looked like a man who had been thinking of something and had glanced at the table almost automatically. I felt badly that Ford had been rude to him, as, being a young man who was commencing his education, I had a high regard for him as an older writer. This is not understandable now but in those days it was a common occurrence.

I thought it would have been pleasant if Belloc had stopped at the table and I might have met him. The afternoon had been spoiled by seeing Ford but I thought Belloc might have made it better.

'What are you drinking brandy for?' Ford asked me. 'Don't you know it's fatal for a young writer to start drinking brandy?'

'I don't drink it very often,' I said. I was trying to remember what Ezra Pound had told me about Ford, that I must never be rude to him, that I must remember that he only lied when he was very tired, that he was really a good writer and that he had been through very bad domestic troubles. I tried hard to think of these things but the heavy, wheezing, ignoble presence of Ford himself, only touching-distance away, made it difficult. But I tried.

'Tell me why one cuts people,' I asked. Until then I had thought it was something only done in novels by Ouida. I had never been able to read a novel by Ouida, not even at some skiing place in Switzerland where reading matter had run out when the wet south wind had come and there were only the left-behind Tauchnitz editions of before the war.

But I was sure, by some sixth sense, that people cut one another in her novels.

'A gentleman,' Ford explained, 'will always cut a cad.'

I took a quick drink of brandy.

'Would he cut a bounder?' I asked.

'It would be impossible for a gentleman to know a bounder.'

'Then you can only cut someone you have known on terms of equality?' I pursued.

'Naturally.'

'How would one ever meet a cad?'

'You might not know it, or the fellow could have become a cad.'

'What is a cad?' I asked. 'Isn't he someone that one has to thrash within an inch of his life?'

'Not necessarily,' Ford said.

'Is Ezra a gentleman?' I asked.

'Of course not,' Ford said. 'He's an American.'

'Can't an American be a gentleman?'

Terhaps John Quinn,' Ford explained. 'Certain of your ambassadors.'

'Myron T. Herrick?'

'Possibly.'

'Was Henry James a gentleman?'

'Very nearly.'

'Are you a gentleman?'

'Naturally. I have held His Majesty's commission.'

'It's very complicated,' I said. 'Am I a gentleman?'

'Absolutely not,' Ford said.

'Then why are you drinking with me?'

'I'm drinking with you as a promising young writer. As a fellow writer, in fact.'

'Good of you,' I said.

'You might be considered a gentleman in Italy,' Ford said magnanimously.

'But I'm not a cad?'

'Of course not, dear boy. Who ever said such a thing?'

'I might become one,' I said sadly. 'Drinking brandy and all. That was what did for Lord Harry Hotspur in Trollope. Tell me, was Trollope a gentleman?'

'Of course not.'

'You're sure?'

'There might be two opinions. But not in mine.'

'Was Fielding? He was a judge.'

'Technically, perhaps.'

'Marlowe?'

'Of course not.'

'John Donne?'

'He was a parson.'

'It's fascinating,' I said.

'I'm glad you're interested,' Ford said. 'I'll have a brandy and water with you before I go.'

After Ford left it was dark and I walked over to the
ktosque
and bought a
Paris-Sport
Compkt,
the final edition of the afternoon racing paper with the results at Auteuil, and the line on the next day's meeting at Enghien. The waiter Emile, who had replaced Jean on duty, came to the table to see the results of the last race at Auteuil. A great friend of mine who rarely came to the Lilas came over to the table and sat down, and just then as my friend was ordering a drink from Emile the gaunt man in the cape with the tall woman passed us on the sidewalk. His glance drifted towards the table and then away.

'That's Hilaire Belloc,' I said to my friend. 'Ford was here this afternoon and cut him dead.'

'Don't be a silly ass,' my friend said. 'That's Aleister Crowley, the diabolist. He's supposed to be the wickedest man in the world.'

'Sorry,' I said.

10 Birth of a New School

The blue-backed notebooks, the two pencils and the pencil sharpener (a pocket knife was too wasteful), the marble-topped tables, the smell of early morning, sweeping out and mopping, and luck were all you needed. For luck you carried a horse chestnut and a rabbit's foot in your right pocket. The fur had been worn off the rabbit's foot long ago and the bones and the sinews were polished by wear. The claws scratched in the lining of your pocket and you knew your luck was still there.