A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (23 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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good-bye letter in the river. A ritual usually adds additional power to your words.
5. Pray to let go of wanting to hold on to the lost person or experience.
6. Write out a description of what you wanted to have happen. When you are done, write
but this was not to be.
7. Write affirmations that affirm your right to grow and change.
I am a child of the universe, loved and beloved. I belong here. My life is unfolding according to a divine plan. My life is manageable and guided by my higher power. My feelings will not kill me.
Many of these activities can also be done by adolescents. You know your child better than I do, so you know which activities might be useful. You might start with making your own "Loss List" and trying one of these other activities a few weeks from now. My daughter loves to make pictures and collages. One way we have worked through loss is with pictures, through a picture collage of people we love: those we've lost and those who are now in our lives. Adolescents usually love to work with colorful pictures. Perhaps the pictures express new, intense feelings that they have not yet found the words for. Suggest that your child draw favorite scenes from childhood. Or draw pictures of places in the present that are sources of peace.
 
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If you want to rush right out and replace what has been lost, take some time and think about the idea of replacementssome things can be replaced, others can't. We can't always will or demand a replacement. Often we receive a friend when we are least expecting one.
When Rachel and I were talking about all the lost things we missed, she remembered losing her favorite stuffed animal when she was three. After all these years, she still missed it! It was a turquoise elephant that played "You Are My Sunshine." She lost it in a house we were considering renting. When we got home after looking at the house, she realized her elephant was missing. We drove straight back to the house and looked in every room, but couldn't find it anywhere. The people who owned the house hadn't seen it either. The mystery was never solved. A few days after telling me about her memory, she walked into a music box store and discovered a green dragon that played the same song. It wasn't soft and fuzzy, but it was a close enough match. After thirteen years, and after many other soft animals, she finally felt content with her loss. Maybe it was also expressing her feelings that brought the resolution. Maybe she was ready, after thirteen years, to listen to the song again.
There are many books available that deal with loss. You might want to do some work about your
 
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own life separate from your issues about your children. One useful book,
The Grief Recovery Handbook,
has a plan you can work through with a ''grief partner," a friend who also wants to work through a loss.
2
Many other books have thoughtful ideas. You might investigate support groups for grief issues. Whatever method you choose, the key is to get going, because your unresolved losses will continue to affect your life and the life of the family. The ambience of sadness is overwhelming to children's psyches. Unresolved grief is deadly.
 
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17
Tied Up in Knots: Stress
The degree of stress is not as important as an adolescent's belief that he or she possesses strategies to deal with the stress. The fear of not being able to handle losses or disappointments, even in successful adolescents, concerns them greatly.
WILLIAM PORTER
Many adolescents who look like they're doing well say they feel continually stressed and pressured. Some experts have noted that any time there is a ''population bulge" there is an increased suicide rate in the young. Our present generation of young people is one of these bulges. Consequently, there is stress on the social services in the schools and other organizations that serve youth. Kim Smith of the Menninger Clinic says, "There are still only so many slots on the football team.... The message implicitly given by society's institutions is more
 
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likely experienced as, 'There may be too many of you; you are expendable,' rather than, 'Welcome, we need you.'"
From this, it would appear that
all
adolescents of our children's generation need to be talking about their stress levels and working on ways to feel their uniqueness and value. What exactly does a stressed person need to do? A healthy lifestyle with good food, relaxation, exercise, and regular communication might sum it up. How many adolescents do you know who are able to practice such a healthy lifestyle? How many of us adults truly practice a healthy lifestyle? It's something to aim for together.
When we look at our children's lifestyle, we need to be aware of school stresses and the other factors that are affecting them. Then we need to make stress-awareness part of our vocabulary. We need to have healthy expectations within the structure of the family. But the kids are the ones who have to take responsibility for their own health, in this area more than any other, perhaps. When they leave the house, they choose whether or not to get crazy on Camel straights, caffeine-laden soda, and junk food.
Do You Need a Stress Test?
A few years ago a life-changes stress test was popular among adults. I was curious when I found this
 
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test adapted for children in the book
The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon,
by David Elkind.
1
I was curious to read the test, but I was not in a hurry to let my daughter take it.
When I read it, however, I was appalled to discover that some experiences I had deliberately brought into her life because I thought they would be valuable turned out to be stressors. For example, Elkind lists as a stressor the following: Starts a new (or changes) an extracurricular activity. This activity change is something I encouraged Rachel to do every year! I didn't think it was good to make kids take piano lessons for ten years. Why not let them pick one new activity every year and explore the world? So Rachel has taken lessons in piano, guitar, karate, and swimming. It's hard for me to think this was a bad idea. Yet here it is in black and white. And it was rated at thirty-six points!
"Parents divorce" is ranked at seventy-three points! Oddly enough there is no stress factor listed for family violence. I thought it was better to get divorced than raise her in a family where she would have to see her mother beaten up every few months. In fact, the test presumes "normal" families with no hitting, no drugs, no abuse. So I see I've not only caused my daughter stress by getting divorced, but also by whimsically letting her choose a new activity every year.
Sarcasm aside, I've concluded that I don't have to be mad at David Elkind for insinuating I'm a bad
 
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parent. I am both in charge of my life and powerless over itI made my decisions in good faith.
When we checked the book out of the library, the librarian said, "I took that stress test for adults and the results said I was due for a nervous breakdown but nothing happened. Don't take it!" But Rachel wanted to take the test. The book says, "If you child's score is above 300, there's a strong likelihood he or she will experience a serious change in health and/or behavior." Rachel's score was 563higher than crisis. We knew that before she took the test.
Stress Relievers
Rachel's focus in treatment has been on her depression and anger, and stress seemed to be a secondary issue that would take care of itself when she learned how to deal with the other issues. After she got out of the hospital, she was interested in handling her stress level. She talked about it a lot. She had a great class in health. I think she's the first person I ever met who liked her health class! The teacher liked her, and that seemed essential to her learning. The class did a unit on healthy lifestyles, and each student did a self-assessment of their lifestyle. Rachel's score put her in the "Hazardous" range. I wondered what in the world she was doing to rate as hazardous. It turned out

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