A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (36 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

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Send food home with them.

Page 183

Offer to drive them to their various activities: therapy, music lessons, Alateen meeting. Some mundane parental activities are a golden opportunity to grow closer.

Whether you are rich, poor, or just getting by, what kids need from a parent is a dependable, predictable, loving presence, and they need a regular schedule when they can count on seeing you. Write down a plan for the next few months of when you will be doing something fun together.

If you don't feel much acceptance of your situation in your heart right now, know that if you will let yourself write out practical ideas for making the best of things
as they are,
you are creating the conditions of acceptance in your consciousness. You can also create acceptance by looking forward to the time when your children are beyond the current crisis. You will have a new, freer relationship with your children when they are adults. You
will
get through this phase of life.

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23
Choices: Sexuality And Self-Acceptance

I would rather have my son be gay than dead.
DAVID T.

During adolescence, our sexuality emerges from our inner life out into the world, and many adolescents have a hard time dealing with this aspect of their lives. Our culture is still generally homophobic and withholds the information that 10 percent of all people in all cultures are gay and lesbian. Our culture doesn't provide young people with enough information to help them make informed and healthy choices about their sexuality. In particular, homosexuality is one significant part of the spectrum of sexual knowledge that adults are silent about. The pressure on adolescents to act in the socially approved gender roles that we discussed earlier is intensified if they don't feel any attraction to the opposite sex.

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Some young people sense that they don't fit into the norm, yet they don't understand that this lack of conformity may mean they have a preference for their own sex. Other people are conscious of being attracted to their own gender in grade school and junior high school. Many lesbians and gay men recall being conscious at an early age of their sexual preference.

Adolescents who are struggling with sexual preference may feel great distress for a long time, especially if they have not been informed about gay and lesbian choices. They may not know who to talk to. They may be afraid to bring the subject up to their parents for fear of rejection.

One of Rachel's friends in treatment continued to be in distress even after a year of working in family therapy and with her own counselor. She said she didn't know what was bothering her. The counselor and her mother wondered if sexuality was the issue. They asked her directly, and she was tremendously relieved. ''How did you know?'' she asked. They didn't exactly know how they knew, but they knew. All the other possible issues had been explored. Eventually this young woman felt much more at peace even though she and her friends were harassed for being lesbians.

If your child has received a lot of therapy and your family is making progress but your child is still depressed and suicidal, you must consider

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whether sexual preference is an issue. Therapists who work with suicidal adolescents say that sexual preference is a source of distress for adolescents much more often than realized. In a recent study of gay and bisexual boys and young men, 30 percent had attempted suicide. The percentage is much higher than the average which is already unbelievably high14 percent of all young people.
¹Half of the gay and bisexual males had tried to kill themselves more than once. As one parent said, "I didn't want my son to be gay because of all the prejudice he will face in life. But I'd rather have him be gay than dead."

If it is difficult for you to talk about sexual preference, then find someone else who can talk about this with your child. There are support groups in every major city for adolescents and their parents. If you live in a small town, you could try to find resources in the nearest city that could give you support. It is crucial for your child's survival for you to be open to his or her sexual orientation.

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24
A Puzzle with a Missing Piece: Adoption

Who do I look like? Why did they get rid of me? I'm a puzzle with a missing piece.
RACHEL

In the sixties when my first husband and I were married, we thought we'd change the world. We wanted to create the happy childhood home we didn't have. We didn't realize we were an imperfect part of the human condition. We saw all the human frailties
out there
and didn't see the flaws within ourselves. We didn't know it was possible to hurt others unintentionally. We thought adoption was a good thing to do, that we were going to be great parents, and that genetics were irrelevant. If our intentions were good, how could anything bad come out of what we did?

One of the most painful moments of my life was hearing the psychologist say to my daughter, "You

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have had three major losses in your life, which is a lot more than most kids your age. One, you were adopted; two, your parents got divorced; three, you lost your stepfather." But that's the reality. My good intentions resulted in hurt for someone else. Sometimes there is no way to know which of our actions will result in pain.

Children who are adopted often have a hard time in adolescence dealing with their identity and questions about the meaning of life. The issues around adoption have been emotional ones for Rachel since she was ten years old. At that time she wanted to go to court and examine her files. She gets enraged every time she has to fill out medical forms at school and the doctor's office that ask about family medical history. "How do they expect me to know?" she says angrily. Other reactions to her adoption include a deep sense of abandonment, anger at the system that withholds the information, and a burning desire to know "why." Why did her birth parents get rid of her? Why didn't they tell the social workers their medical history? Why has she had so many problems with depression? Why did God give her bad skin and problems with learning and mood swings? Why can't the adoption files be opened at her request? She also wants to know what her birth parents look like, what they're doing now, and whether she has any siblings.

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If your child is adopted and having trouble, do what you can to

Create a sense of belonging.

Develop and share a spirituality that affirms that every child is a beloved child of the universe.

Do some networking with other people who are dealing with adoption issues.

Be honest: tell your child everything you know.

Be sure you develop a support network that will be there for you when new related issues come up.

Look for a support group for adopted kids.

Deal with all the other issues without being too scared.