A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (5 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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Giving away personal or prized possessions.*
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Family history of depression and suicide.
This list is so broad that it may apply to all teenagers at one time or another. I think it's hard to interpret something like "sudden change in behavior." My daughter was only showing up as at risk with one item on this list. Consequently, I'd suggest that even if there's only one warning sign, you should pay attention to it and pursue the subject
 
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more directly. For example, the primary warning sign my daughter gave was her preoccupation with death and books and movies about people in love with death. I didn't know how to ask her what it meant. I didn't know how to address the preoccupation directly. I needed the help from a therapist to be able to say, "Do you want to die?" and "Do you have a plan?"
Later I found out she was having school problems. Then I found out she was also taking physical risks, for example, literally walking out into traffic. And much later, we found her biological family history, which includes suicide and depressioninformation the courts withheld from my husband and me when we adopted Rachel shortly after her birth. But I knew none of this at the time. Eventually I had to let go of wishing I'd caught on sooner. I'm grateful I found out before it was too late. I'm grateful somebody noticed the warning signs.
Many checklists note that if three or four factors are present, suicide is possible. I'd like to reiterate that if you even see one risk factor, if you have the slightest flutter of fear that your child is in danger, take action. Don't wait to see four problems manifested.
The writers of the flyer
Help During a Fragile Time
suggest that there are four especially serious signals:
1. Threats or talk of killing themselves.
 
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2. Preparing for death evidenced by giving away prized possessions, making a will, writing farewell letters, gathering pills, or saying goodbye.
3. Talking as if there is no hope, even in the future.
4. Acting or talking as if not a single person cares; completely giving up on themselves and others.
I think that number 4 is especially significant for me, because when I look back I can remember Rachel saying, "Nobody cares." I couldn't believe she really felt that way, so I didn't let the words sink in. After all, I cared so much! How could she not know I cared?
If you are reading this and wondering if your child is in trouble, take time to seriously consider each warning sign. Let your defenses down and think about what you child
actually
says to you, not what you think is true.
However you receive the warning that your child is in danger, your first responsibility is to get help immediately. You need to let your child know you care, even if you are scared and horrified. You need to say directly, "I love you and I don't want you to die. I want you to live. I want you to find a way to have some hope." You don't need to worry about "putting an idea" in your child's mind. Ideas about suicide permeate the youth culture. Be direct.
 
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The next thing to say, over and over until your child has heard you is "Whatever problem you have, there is a solution. We will find a way to solve your problems.
There has to be a way to let go of some of this pain."
Insist on Getting Professional Help
Many teenagers are ferociously opinionated about counselors. Nonetheless, it is important to find a way to convince your child to get help. You can say, "If you had a broken leg, I wouldn't let you sit here, and I think your unhappiness is just as serious as a broken leg."
To find help, you can call information and ask for the number of any crisis hot line, which can refer you to a suicide hot line. Or you can call any of the following people and ask them to recommend a therapist: the school counselor, principal, teacher or social worker; your pastor, priest, or rabbi; your doctor. Keep calling until you find someone.
Whatever you do, don't minimize or ignore your child's statement about wanting to die. And don't ever "call their bluff," even in a joking way. A person who says he or she wants to die is in some kind of pain, and it is not up to us to judge the severity of that pain. Also, don't be put off if your child suddenly retracts a suicidal comment by saying, "I was only kidding." You should follow up, especially if there is another warning sign.
 
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2
The Grim Reaper: Looking at Your Own Feelings
Children awaken your own sense of self when you see them hurting, struggling, testing; when you watch their eyes and listen to their hearts. Children are gifts, if we accept them.
KATHLEEN TIERNEY CRILLY
The day the school social worker called me into her office to discuss her increasing concern about Rachel, I took my daughter to Planned Parenthood and set up an appointment with one of the family therapists at our health maintenance organization (HMO). My reaction to the crisis about a possible pregnancy was calm, but my emotional reaction to her thinking about suicide was horror.
I wasn't overly angry about the chance of pregnancy because I could account for it psychologically. Rachel was dependent on her boyfriend; her stepfather had left us without a word; and her
 
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father was busy being a workaholic doctor who gave her lots of loving words but little time or money. This combination of positive and negative behavior can be crazy-making. Her early sexual behavior seemed to fit with working out her feelings about men, abandonment, and searching for belonging. But I was terribly sad. I could understand it, but it made me feel guilty and sad that my choices had been such that Rachel hadn't had a stable father-figure in her life.
When I took Rachel to the doctor for birth control pills a few days after the pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood, I cried when I heard the nurses saying, "She's only thirteen." I'd told her many times before that I didn't think thirteen was old enough to have a sexual relationship. But it was obvious that this early sexuality was happening with many girls at her school. So I supported her. It was my responsibility to help her get birth control because I believed she had decided to be sexual regardless of what anyone said.
If your child has become sexually active, you must sort through your feelings so that you are able to be actively supportive.
Learn to Talk about Death Calmly
As I said before, I was terrified by the possibility of suicide. But when your child is talking about death
 
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and wanting to die, you have to learn how to talk about suicide in a calm manner. For me the first step in being a responsible parent in this situation was working through my feelings on the subject. As I mentioned earlier, the book
Suicide: The Forever Decision
helped me to talk directly about suicide, and that reduced my panic and terror.
If your child is talking about suicide, you are probably having intense feelings, including fear, anger, sadness, shame, and panic. I've been there, I know how intense it is, and I want you to know you can get through this time of fear. But to get through it, you have to let yourself feel the feelings.
I've divided the rest of this chapter into sections on different feelings and responses. Skip around to what seems most applicable to your life. Later I'll suggest ways to deal with these responses.
Denial
I don't know if denial is really a feeling. I think it is a block against any feeling, a lack of feeling, the refusal to feel the fear and anger and sadness at the possibility that your child could be contemplating suicide. But I call it a feeling because it's on a checklist of feelings I measure myself against every so often. Am I facing reality? Am I pretending everything is wonderful even though my daughter

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