A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (3 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens

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PART ONE
RECOGNIZING THE CRISIS

I have nothing to live for.
RACHEL

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1
The Downward Spiral: Recognizing a Cry for Help

. . . how frightening it is for her to let go of this cloak and embrace life.
BETH K. COHEN

My daughter was in trouble and I didn't recognize the signs. She was wearing black clothes, reading poetry about death by Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath. She was reading a teenage novel about girls who liked to read depressing women poets. They were cool. She liked to sit in her room with the shades pulled, listening to music by candlelight. On the other hand, she had a new boyfriend who looked like a nice kidhe even liked the Beatles! They spent a lot of time taking walks at twilight and wrestling and rolling around in the fall leaves.

On some levels, her behavior seemed typical for an eighth grader. I work part-time as a writer and part-time as a teacher, and I know many kids in the eighth grade classes I teach who fall in love

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with the color black, who wear black fingernail polish and heavy metal T-shirts with macabre drawings on them. The hormone storm of adolescence stirs up thoughts and fears about growing up, sadness over childhood losses, and a new sense of mortality. Sometimes it seems like all teenagers are thinking, "If my body can erupt like this and turn my feet into size-10 monsters, why couldn't I drop dead at any minute also?"

But even though Rachel seemed typical, we were having problems at home. My second husband and I had split up during the previous summer. Because of the impending divorce, I was under financial and emotional stress.

Yet I thought I was in a good place to handle these changes. I had been through a difficult time and had made big changes in my life. In the previous five years, I had dealt with some difficult issues: sexual abuse in my childhood, physical abuse by Rachel's dad, my second husband's drinking, and my own alcoholism. To make a long story short, I had sobered up, gone to therapy, and now felt optimistic about life. I had a sense of resolution about my family of origin. I thought I was done with serious issues for a while. I thought I was due for a breather. I got about three weeks.

I couldn't afford to keep up our big old house myself. Rachel and I agreed to sell the house rather than take in roommates, but when it was time to

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put the house on the market, her feelings of loss came up strongly. "Mom," she said, "you're selling my childhood." I felt like a failure being this old and this poor. I felt like a failure being twice-divorced. And yet I was hopeful. Even though I was angry, I believed in the promises of the Twelve Step program. I thought we had hit bottom as a family and would be on the way up as soon as we got relocated. The change in atmosphere would be, I thought, positive.

Because of all the positive changesthe lack of marriage problems and my hope for recoveryI didn't expect my daughter to continue to act out. It's as though I were hoping that she would never have to rebel against me. But rebellion is a normal part of a child's separation from his or her parents, no matter whether the parents have been married for twenty-five years or divorced four times. Even when a family is healthy, rebellion is a normal part of growing up.

Welcome Crisis-Intervention

In the years since, I have found out that what happened is common in early recovery: I was finally living in a stable, trustworthy way, and my daughter unconsciously knew it was safe for her to get the attention she needed for her problems. I could be there for her in a way that I was not capable of before.

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The school social worker called me one morning and said, "We have Rachel here in the office and she's having a problem. We want you to come up to school." As I was soon to learn, the problem was twofold: Rachel feared she was pregnant, and the school counselor feared she was at risk for suicide.

I told the social worker my car was in the shop but I could walk there in fifteen minutes. She apparently didn't think that was fast enough because she offered to come and pick me up. My mind flooded with fear. What could it be? If she were sick, they would've called an ambulance. If she were using drugs, there wouldn't be this rush.

I had no idea they were going to tell me they considered her at risk for suicide. I didn't see the warning signs. When Rachel had started reading Anne Sexton, I was pleased because she had hardly ever wanted to read books. I didn't know she was becoming preoccupied with dying, with Anne Sexton's suicide. I didn't see how depressed and stressed she was. Selling the house, the divorce, and the loss of her stepfather were significant changes for her. And there were other things that were putting her under stress that nobody recognized until much later. I am not saying that the divorce caused her to be suicidal, but the divorce was a trigger.

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Acting Out: The Separation Process

It's often hard to differentiate between what is normal teen rebellion for the sake of separation and what is over the line. For instance, lots of kids wear black clothes and black lipstick. When adolescents separate from the family unit, they need to experiment with many styles of dress and manners in order to discover which suits them the best. Within any one high school, there may be a multitude of different looks. Yet even as they defiantly go out the door in their ripped jeans, they may feel out on a limb. Separating is lonely. They may have other feelings attached to the loneliness: shame, loss, isolation, anger. They may be mad they have to grow up. In any case, defiance expressed in clothing and appearance is not in and of itself an indication of suicidal tendencies.

Pay Attention to the Warning Signs

Below is a typical list of warning signs exhibited by teens at risk for suicide.
¹Those signs with an asterisk (*) are the most telling. Remember, reading such a ''list" should only be used as a first step. We need to add in our own observations and opinions about what spells danger for our kids.

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Warning Signs ...

Talk of killing themselves, as if there is no hope.

A change in friends or the amount of time spent with friends.

Sudden change in behavior.*

Dramatic change in appetite.

Sleeping difficulties (and too much sleeping).

Problems at school.

Inability to concentrate or sit still.