A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (9 page)

PINKY-SECONDS LATER:

"Get me up there and I'll put an
eye
out!" I shout. "They don't call me
Killdigit
for nothing!"

But Judd just keeps me wrapped around the dagger hilt with all his other fingers.

(Talk about having a
nuclear missile
and keeping it in the
silo
!)

He lashes the dagger left, toward Priscilla, then sweeps it right, toward Roland, then left again.

(Dude! Would you please make up your
my-yind
?)

The two blade-studded maniacs just keep charging, swinging back their weapons in preparation for the big chop. Here comes Roland's machete...here comes Priscilla's poleaxe...

(Goodbye cruel world! Is there a Heaven just for
fingers
?)

...and then, just as the big blades swoop in for the big
chop
, Judd ducks and scrambles out of the way. Neither weapon makes contact...

(...though I can hear the poleaxe whistling past my tip...)

...and the force of the thwarted strikes throws the killers off-balance, sending them reeling into each other and the wall. They fall to the ground in a tangle of hooks and serrated edges.

As they wrestle around, trying to unhook themselves, Judd sprints toward the well-lit corridor that Kaela ran into earlier. Maybe he can put some space between us and the killer kids...though I've got a better plan in mind.

"Go back and kill 'em while they can't fight back!" I ain't bloodthirsty, but we're talkin'
self defense
here. "Otherwise, you
know
they'll just catch up to you, dude."

He doesn't answer as he bolts toward the tunnel--and then, suddenly, someone leaps out at us! Knocks us right outta the way and keeps on going!

(Can you say
cavalry
?)

Let's hear it for Kaela! She dashes past in a blur of swords and red hair, running straight for Priscilla and Roland. Looking back, we see they've untangled themselves and are on their feet with weapons at the ready.

The three fighters meet with a clash of steel as Kaela unleashes a furious barrage of sword strikes. The other two parry with poleax, machete, and ice hook, holding her at bay--just barely.

Judd stands and watches the battle with eyes wide and mouth gaping. He still has the dagger, but he's so far in over his head, he won't try to use it. Part of him feels like he should help his girlfriend...

(...is Miss Razor Blade Scar Tissue still his girlfriend?)

...but most of him...

(...except
me
, except
Killdigit
...)

...is just plain too scared to get involved. There's a whole different battle going on in his head, and it's all about
fight
or
flight
.
Life
or
death
.

But maybe we don't have to worry. Kaela pushes back Priscilla and Roland with her dizzying storm of swordplay. She's got 'em on the ropes, they can't lay a blade on her. She even knocks the poleax right out of Priscilla's grip, leaving her empty-handed. A well-placed slash across Roland's midsection sends him spinning to the ground in a spray of blood.

(You go, girl!)

If only Priscilla wasn't so quick on the draw, snatching a pair of ninja throwing stars out of her chest and whipping them with deadly accuracy. Both stars hit Kaela dead-on, sinking deep in the flesh of her left forearm. Crying out, she lets the sword fall from her left hand and stumbles back a step, giving Priscilla the time she needs to draw a fresh weapon--a bayonet sheathed along her spinal column.

With a shrieking battle-cry, Priscilla charges at Kaela, holding the blood-streaked bayonet out in front of her. Kaela sidesteps in the nick of time, so the bayonet misses...but then Roland, who's recovered from the shock of her last strike, lunges up behind her and grabs her sword arm with the ice hook. While she's fighting to wrench her arm free, he hacks the machete into her side.

Priscilla follows up by swinging around the bayonet and plunging it toward Kaela's heart. Just before the tip of the blade can impale her, though, another war cry fills the passage.

The whirling blade of a circular saw flashes past, slicing through Priscilla's right hand. She screams and lets go of the bayonet.

Turning, Judd sees that the circular saw blade came from Wayne, who stands in the mouth of the darkened tunnel he went down moments ago. There's another circular blade in his hand-sickles...and then there isn't. He hurls it with a snap of his wrist, sending it flying.

The second circular blade lands in Roland's throat. Blood spurts out around it as Roland clutches at the disk, tearing it free of the surrounding tissue.

As Kaela and Wayne converge on their bloody, maimed enemies, we can see that the battle is over. At last, Judd can relax and breathe a sigh of relief.

If someone didn't grab him from behind, clamp a hand over his mouth, and whisk him away down a tunnel, that is!

*****

How long are we carted through the catacombs of Serial Killer High School? One hour? Two? The whole time, we never get a look at the faces of the people who abducted us. One of them, a tall, muscular boy...

(...without so many knives, hooks, and needles in his upper body, thank the God of fingers...)

...carries Judd slung over his shoulder, so all we see is the dirt floor below us.

Eventually, we stop moving. The boy who's been lugging us slides Judd down off his shoulder and sets him against yet another black-slimed water-dripping stone wall.

Finally, we get a look at the big galoot. He has a patch over his left eye, a mask over his nose and mouth, and no hair on his head. Still, Judd recognizes him from a more normal corner of reality.

"Teo?" Judd frowns and tries not to show how nervous he is.

(Which ain't easy, considering we've been snatched away from the cavalry and dumped who
knows
where.)

Back home, Teo's a football player, the team's top fullback. He's kind of a goon, but always gives Judd his props on a jock-to-jock level.

(
Back home
, that is. Here on Planet Cutthroat, all bets are
off
, baby.)

"Judd." Teo nods once when he says it, then shuts his eyes and grits his teeth. As he stands there, straining, his bare muscles bulge (he's shirtless, though he's covered from the waist down by purple football pants and padding). Grunting, he leans over, planting his hands on his knees...

(...he ain't gonna drop a
dook
, is he??)

...and the skin of his shoulders and back begins to poke up in dozens of places. Pinprick points form peaks under the flesh and keep rising. Rows of jagged teeth do the same.

Then, making a sound like popcorn popping, the points and teeth break through from inside. Now we can see they're knives and needles, jabbing out all over Teo. He must have made them recede so he could carry Judd without hacking him to pieces--and now, he's bringing them back out.

(Does
everyone
here have the same power? 'Cause that's pretty damn
cool
.)

(I was
wondering
how anyone ever had a
date
in this heck-hole!)

"I feel such gladness that we foundest thee!" That's Eva's voice coming up behind us. Judd whirls, and there she is. "Thanketh the stars that we were able to getteth thee away from thy unholy
captors
!"

Judd doesn't know what to say. "Thanks?" Better to play it safe.

"Thou are't
most
welcome, my dearest." Like Kaela and the rest, she's implanted with blades, needles, hooks--hundreds of sharp edges. Her eyebrows look like they're inlaid with overlapping scalpel tips; when she smiles, they flick outward, then fall back flat with a little clicking sound when she's done. "Dost thou possesseth a powerful thirst?"

Judd nods. He'd agree with about
anything
right now.

When Eva turns away, we see her back is threaded with metal skewers. Her blonde hair's much longer here, falling in twin braids laced with razor wire.

"So sorry that it didst taketh us so long to getteth to thee." Eva grabs a canteen from a heavyset (glass-shard-studded) girl standing nearby...

(...who Judd also recognizes but doesn't know by name...)

...and unscrews the cap. "We didst encounter another team and engaged in battle
most
fierce with
much
bloodletting. Then, our delays didst multiply as a wretched
teacher
descended upon us and demanded we completeth a
pop quiz
on the spot." She holds out the open canteen.

Judd accepts it. "That's too bad." He raises the spout to his lips, then hesitates. What if the contents are poisoned, right? "Here, you first." He extends the canteen toward Eva.

"Thank you, good sirrah." She pushes it back to him. "But thou needst precious water more than I do, after thy grueling ordeal."

"Okay." Judd manages a shaky smile and lifts the canteen. He tries to fool her, tipping it just enough so that nothing pours out.

"Go on now!" Eva responds by grabbing the canteen and tipping it higher. "Thou must replenish thyself or suffer consequences most dire!"

The liquid from the canteen rushes into Judd's mouth. It's warm, but it tastes like water...plain old water, as far as he can tell.

"So." When Eva spreads her arms, a dozen jack-knives implanted in the undersides flick their blades open at once. "What news bringeth thou? Hath wicked Kaela drawn blood enough to claimeth the prize?"

Judd swallows the water and shakes his head. "I don't think so."

"Splendid!" Eva claps her hands, which make a jangling sound from the tubular blades stuck on her fingers. (Apple-corers? Hole saw bits?) "So the Permanent Tournament continueth apace!"

Judd nods and hands her the canteen. This time, she takes it and gulps a hearty swig.

(Yay, relief! Chick wouldn't be
chugging
if that there H2O was laced with a
mickey
!)

"Marketh my words." Eva raises the canteen overhead. "This round shalt go not to those who playeth
dirty
! Rather, it shalt go to those who playeth
dirtiest
!"

Teo and the heavyset girl cheer and shake weapons in the air--a triple-bladed war axe for Teo and a jagged sword of reinforced glass for the girl.

"Go now, both of thee." Eva stabs a finger...

(...with an actual metal
nail
instead of a fingernail...)

...at Teo and then the girl. "Announceth our acquisition and offereth him for
sale
to the highest
bidder
!"

(Say
whaaaa
?)

Judd gapes at her, looking alarmed. Chills race through him as the magnitude of the sitch sinks in.

(Out of the frying pan, into the heart of the
sun
!)

But then, as Teo and glass-shard girl run off into opposite passageways, Eva turns to us and flashes a cockeyed smile. "Do not worrieth, mine priceless prince. 'Tis but a
ploy
to draweth
sheep
to the
slaughter
."

"Well, that's good." Judd shifts from a gape to a grin, but I doubt it would stand up to close scrutiny. He still has some
trust issues
with Eva.

(Wouldn't you?)

"At last, we two art alone." She smiles and moves closer. As she raises her eyebrows, the scalpel tips imbedded in them flicker, pointing at Judd. "May'st I trouble thee to speaketh of a matter of grave import, good sir?"

"Yes, of course."

(
Grave import
? What the flamin' ferret farts is
that
supposed to mean?)

"Shall we sitteth?" Eva gestures at a spot along the base of the slimy, dripping wall. "Taketh a load off, as it were?"

Judd nods and drops down into a squat against the wall. Eva follows suit, getting close enough that the points of the skewers in her back graze Judd's arm.

"Judd, my darling." Eva takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. The gleaming arrowheads arranged in a "V" along her collarbone rise and fall. "I need'st to know something."

"What?" Judd keeps his voice calm and even...

(Even though I
know
his heart is
pounding
and his bloodstream's
burning
and his nerves are
twitching
like out-of-control power lines on a rainy street!)

Eva draws a thin, saw-toothed blade from its sheath in the flesh of her left thigh. "As a serial killer, I wouldst not hesitate to flay the flesh from thy bones."

"
Run
!" I shout it as loud as I can, the
hell
with whether this version of Eva can hear me or not. "Run, Judd! Run!" He needs to get
out-y
right
now-y
.

But Judd just squats there, sweat running down his back and sides and everywhere in between.

"I said
runnnn
!" I give it another shot, because I can't
believe
he's blowing me
off
.

(I thought we already
established
he needs to
listen
to his Uncle Oogachucka!)

Meanwhile, Eva plays with the saw-toothed blade, running it back and forth along the base of her right pinky finger.

(OMG!
I can't watch
her do that
!!)

As she fiddles with the blade, she keeps talking. "I almost think I wouldst prefereth to vivisect thee in my blood-drenched torture dungeon..."

(YAAHHH!!)

"
RUN, JUDD, RUN!
" Why isn't he
running
??

"...rather than asketh thee one simple question."

"
I said get outta here!
"

Again with the ignoring me! "What question is that?" he says.

Eva looks at him from the corner of her eye and points the blade in his direction. "Dost thou intendeth to asketh me to be thy date to the prom?"

(If I had a mouthful of coffee right now...)

(...and a
mouth
...)

(...I'd be spitting it all
over
the freakin' place!)

"Yes yes yes yes
yes
just say
yesss
!" That's my considered advice to the dude.

(Considering the chica's pointing a friggin'
knife
at his face, that is!)

Pretty sure he's gonna see the light on
this
one.

"Well, yeah." Dude's staring at the knife as he says it (with a smile). "Of course I do."

Eva's eyes light up, and she leans closer to him.

(Poking him harder with the
skewers
, I might add.)

"Then the question is thine to asketh." She taps his nose with the tip of her blade. "My ears awaiteth thy tones most dulcet."

My advice is stone-tablets-on-Mount-Sinai definitive. "
Ask her to the damn prom, dude!
"

Judd knows he's gotta bite the big one, and he clears his throat. "Um, okay." No choice here, no choice at all. Doesn't matter if he wants to go with her or not. "Would you like to go to the prom with me, Eva?"

She narrows her eyes and stares deeply into his for a long moment. Her blade hovers three inches from his nose, bobbing slightly in her grip.

Then, she slides it forward. Two inches away...one inch away...

"
Tell her you'll spring for a stretch limo!
" I tell him. "
And a post-prom party suite at the Ritz!
"

Droplets of sweat race down his back. I feel his body tense up. Is he getting ready to make some kind of desperate move?

Then, just as the knife-tip touches Judd's nose, Eva breaks into a ginormous have-a-nice-day smile. "Oh, Judd!" She taps the knife-tip on his nose with gentle affection. "
Yes
! Oh, the answer is
yes
!"

(Can you say, "Dude dodged a
bullet
?")

Eva yanks the knife away and springs forward to kiss him on the lips. She draws blood in the process, as the earring posts sticking out of her cheeks (point first!) jab into his face--but he takes it like a man.

(Sometimes ya gotta do a
gut check
and
suck it up
, bruh!)

Fortunately for him, the kiss doesn't last long. Eva slips him a little tongue...

(...which hurts just as bad, her tongue's like a pincushion!)

...then darts away and leaps to her feet. Next thing we know, she's got a cell phone in her hand...

(You heard me! Knife-studded serial killer chick's on her
cell phone
!)

...and she's dialing and then she's yapping like a hundred-words-a-second phone-swilling high school girl!

"Trina? Thou shalt never guesseth what hath just happened!" She lets loose a fit of actual giggles at this point.

(It'd crack me up if I wasn't still so scared of dying!)

"Judd Ramsey hath asked me to attendeth the
prom
with him!" Again with the giggling, plus more giggling coming back over the phone from Trina. "'Tis true! I sweareth, 'tis true!"

With the phone clamped to her ear, she wanders off down a side passage, chattering away. Her breathless words and giggles echo back to us along the stone-walled tunnel, growing fainter.

Then, finally, Judd and I are alone. No one's brandishing sharp-edged weaponry (or body parts) in our vicinity. No one's talking about serial killing like it's just another class or after-school sport.

Judd breathes a shaky sigh of relief and sits down on the cold dirt floor. He slumps against the damp wall, wraps his hands around his knees, and closes his eyes. "This is the worst day of my life, Pinkerton."

For once, I don't bother correcting him about my name. "You just read my mind, dude."