Authors: Elizabeth Brown
A Portal to Leya (10 page)
I’m a freshman at Charles Pond High
School (if you can believe that). It’s been hard this year because 1. Francis
left for Afghanistan in September and 2. My best friend Leya Blackwater was
murdered in October. But I see her and she talks to me. Maybe you read about
the murder in the news, or on the computer? Do you have a computer? I have a
Mac Notebook, and I use it all the time. In fact, I have a blog
srlancelot’sblog.com, so if you can visit and leave a note that would be great.
I don’t think I’ll be able to visit you in Paris any time soon. But, if you
wanted to pay for air fare, I think I could convince Dorrie to let me go.
I
hope you write back. I have so much to tell you. Besides, I am lonely lately. I
could use a father.
Lance
COMMENTS
Heather
I
like your letter so much. I think that your Dad will appreciate you writing to
him. Don’t be afraid to ask your mother for the address. I think she will be
okay with it.
Anonymous
Yes,
mail the letter. Your dad would appreciate it. And even if you don’t hear back,
at least you tried.
Susanne
I’m
in tears right now, Lance. I love your blog and your theories on waves are
intriguing too! I always thought you were SO smart. Leya did too. She really
loved you Lance. I mean that. She would always stick up for you when Neal said
sh*t about you (I think he was jealous). He was so vicious to her. I just wish
I had driven Leya to the dance. I told her I wanted to go home to get dressed,
and so she said she’d meet me there. She never made it. I should have waited
for her!! Mail the letter.
@
Susanne—No, it was not your fault. Feel free to comment and follow my blog. Leya
loved you too.
@all—thanks…I
will ask for the address tomorrow.
***FEBRUARY***
TRUDY’S
TOUCH AND RED WINE
Updates
are in order. I actually returned to school for half a day. Don Banks was
getting on my nerves. I feel lighter. My head is less clogged. Grades are
slightly better. Teachers are working with me. We had the round table
conference and the threat of retention was brought up. I said no way. Agreed to
write my
Of Mice and Men
essay on the theme of…already forgot. I’ll
think of it. I’m studying for math with a tutor in the library at school; his
name is Brian and he’s a college student. He chews gum loudly and texts
constantly. I walk with Trudy every day to school. After school, we sit on her
porch, drink red wine. And this helps too. We are, I guess you would call it, close
friends. I keep thinking about Manny. She said he won’t really kick my butt,
but I can’t be sure. So, I guess I’ll just stay quiet. I don’t want to go to
jail for obstruction of justice. In fact, if anyone finds this blog, I’m in
trouble, so I changed the setting to private. Only I can select the people that
can view it. I guess it’s a bit paranoid but you never know. Also, I need to
confess that I’m really enjoying Trudy. She makes me forget about Leya, or
maybe it’s the wine I can’t tell. I keep waiting for her every morning. We walk
to school and then walk home. I think our signals are definitely aligned. I
don’t care if she is a lesbian. Oh, BTW, she told me the person she’s seeing is
a girl. I think she could like me too. She keeps touching me, and I let her.
She even gave me a back massage. I felt my whole body go limp. It’s hard to
believe she’s a lesbian. What’s it called when you like both boys and girls…is
it bi-curious? I think that’s what she is. I don’t care. I like her,
regardless.
COMMENTS
Heather
It’s
okay for Trudy and you to be friends. But be careful. If she is seeing someone
else, you don’t want to cause a problem. Or get in the middle.
2
cents
Go for it! Enjoy the moment.
TRAITORS
I couldn’t sleep last night. I had a horrible
nightmare. I was trapped in a cell. It was sort of like jail but more like a
cave. It was so dark and I could barely breathe. I woke up at 3 in the morning
gasping for air, and I haven’t been able to sleep. I was hoping I’d see you Leya.
I looked for her in her bedroom, and by the shed. Nothing. I guess I’m losing a
connection for some reason. Maybe it’s Trudy. I walked with Trudy to school.
She was unusually speechless. She told me her Grandpa was sick. Here’s what she
said:
“It sucks. My Grandpa is really sick.”
“Is he going to die?”
“Jesus Christ. You
really know what to say.”
“I’m sorry.” I’d had
enough of death, honestly, but I didn’t tell her that.
“Shut up. Will ya?”
“I mean it. I really
am.” Then it was quiet for a while so I added “I think I may get in trouble for
not telling.”
“Not telling what?”
“You know what.”
“No, I don’t.”
“About you and Neal…
remember?”
“What is wrong with you?
No more talking.”
I watched her pull out her Zippo lighter and light
up. She blew the smoke out angrily. She didn’t make me feel better. I knew to
shut up. At school Dorian was giving me dirty looks. He called me over after
class, said I was not productive, and that I was slacking off again. I wanted
to say go to hell. I really did. I’m sorry but I can’t concentrate on these
things. Brian the tutor could care less and spends most of our time texting his
girlfriend. I am overloaded with negativity. Maybe it’s fear. I know I am a
coward. I know I’m not like Francis. He would never be afraid of Manny or going
to prison. I think he would tell. He’s wise that way. You are too. I don’t feel
wise. I never know what to do. Sir Lancelot the wimp.
Trudy didn’t walk home with me after school. I was
standing at the window and I saw her walk by with Lacy. She has dark clothes
and hair like Trudy except she’s really pale with platinum blonde hair. They
were laughing and smoking, holding hands and grabbing each other. I felt
unbridled rage. I wanted to scream, put my fist through the window, something.
I hate to feel that way. So I tried to shift gears; I know I should study for
math; write an essay on a theme from
Of Mice and Men
(I barely
understood any of it). I guess I could write about how being me sucks. How you
can’t trust anyone. Look at Lennie that poor dope. He never saw it coming, that
shot to the back of the head. How could he? I mean damn, it was from his
protector, his best friend. Who will shoot me? Maybe it will come from Manny. Leya
never expected Neal would murder her (if he even did which I now doubt). She
tried to get away from him, but he didn’t let her. Who will get me? Maybe it
will be Trudy or her girlfriend, Lacy. Bring it on. I could die today.
pm
2
a.m. –can’t sleep. Where is Leya? I can’t feel her anymore. I can’t trust
anyone. Even these blog followers, honestly, I don’t REALLY know you either.
Let’s face it. You are my virtual friends. How do I know you are who you are? I
don’t. I need some wine. I need anything. I’ll take vodka, beer, something.
Dorrie and Ben are at a party. They have a life. I have none. That’s just the
way it is. I have this blog. And I have some fake friends. I have no real
father and a brother who never acknowledges me. Why would he? I’ve caused him
too much pain. He always had to cover for me. I was such an ass, always messing
up, throwing tantrums. No wonder my real dad left. I just screamed nonstop. I
didn’t talk until I was five-years old. I was trapped inside myself. I couldn’t
get out even if I wanted to. It was horror. So I screamed on the top of my
lungs. I would have left too. What’s wrong with me? Why do I send everyone
away? I’m sorry. This may be my last blog. I deserve whatever fate brings me.
If I get arrested, that’s fine too. I live in a cell. My own cell I’ve
constructed. I can live in another cell too. It won’t make a difference. Maybe
after I drink the wine, I’ll have enough courage to do it. Then we can be
together forever, Leya, finally. That’s what I want. That’s what I really want.
I’m not afraid. I’m more afraid to be here all alone in this shitty dark
existence.
Lance
COMMENTS
Heather
No,
Lance. You don’t know me. I try to talk to you at school but you ignore me. But
you can trust me. I swear. Please cheer up. I am your real friend. I promise. I
need you. I pm’d you my phone number. PLEASE call me right now. I’m really
worried about you.
2cents
I’ll
say it again, get some help dude. You’re never alone. Trust yourself.
Jabberwock9
Bad
day Lance. It will get better. I pm’d you my number so call me. Don’t do
anything stupid. I like what 2cents said about trusting yourself. You have lots
of time, lots to offer. Besides I like this blog so you better not stop
writing, Lance.
Susanne
OMG
,
Lance. Leya would NOT want you to kill yourself. Please, call me right now.
If you don’t call soon, within the next 15 minutes, I’m calling 911.
THE
KISS
The ambulance came last night. I was mortified.
Thanks a lot, Suz. I told them I was fine and they believed me. I couldn’t find
any booze. Good thing. They might have taken me if they smelled alcohol. I
wasn’t wasted. And I don’t look like a depressed kid. So that was that. Plus,
now I’m feeling better. Trudy and I kissed. We walked home together. She was
excited about Neal, told me he talked to her and that they don’t have enough
evidence to charge him. It felt like such a load was taken off my shoulders.
“He sounds really good, confident.” I was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. I
hope she’s right. But I didn’t care so much anymore. I just wanted her and her
wine. We went to her house and she brought out wine and plastic cups. We sat on
the porch step. She was singing lyrics from the Sex Pistols. I watched her
mouth move. I kept thinking I wanted to kiss her. Then she stopped singing and
looked at me as if she could read my mind. I felt the wine move down my throat,
felt it warming me. She leaned over and kissed me on the lips. She kept her
lips there for a few seconds. It was warmer than any wine. I felt a pit in my
stomach. My head was light. I didn’t know what to make of it. I was getting
aroused. I hate that word. I despise it because of health class. If it weren’t
for health class, it wouldn’t be so bad a word. Then I kissed the sides of her
mouth, and her neck, and I even put my tongue inside her mouth, and I started
to move my hands over her body, and asked if this was okay. She started
laughing. I don’t know why. It wasn’t funny. She just kept laughing. I was
hoping she’d put her hands on certain parts, but she just kept laughing. “What
is so funny?” I asked her. And she told me I was a goof. That was it. I told
her I was going home. And she just said “Later.”
I never imagined a first kiss would be like that,
end so abruptly. I’m sure it’s not love. I’m thinking I like the wine better
than I like Trudy Markus. I won’t tell her that though. I mean the wine made me
feel better than her kiss. And her breath smelled and tasted like smoke so it
wasn’t so romantic. I don’t’ think this is the real thing. I hope there is more
to it. I think if I had kissed you, Leya, it would have been 300 times better.
I know it. I know you wouldn’t call me a goof either.
Lance
COMMENTS
2
cents
LOL. Yep, it’s the wine that you want.
Susanne
I’m
sorry about calling 911. But I would do it again.
It doesn’t sound like
Trudy is right for you. Be careful. I really do care about you, Lance.
Heather
sorry
it wasn’t what you expected. I can help you. : )
A
REAL KISS
I
kissed her. It was so real. It must have been a dream. I can’t distinguish
anymore. She rubbed my cheeks with the back of her hand. She pulled my head
inwards, to her mouth. We kissed and it was long and amazing. We put her tongue
inside my mouth and it was incredibly soft and warm and it tasted so good. I
wanted to keep kissing, to feel every part of her. We were naked. I felt her
soft body against me, we were almost one, and I imagined Dorrie and Emmet in
the photo, their bodies clamped together. I understood love, the physical
connection, the bond. But then I woke up. I woke up to nothing. All I’m left
with is Trudy. Maybe it will get better. I saw her in the morning. I was awake
so I know it was real. She was standing at the front door of her house. She
looked up at me and waved. I blew her a kiss. I feel euphoric. She showed me
how a real kiss feels. Maybe it will work better next time.
Lance
COMMENTS
Heather
hm.
Careful, Lance.
February
12
th
Leya—
Trudy
didn’t go to school today. It’s been a day since we kissed. I feel so odd about
it almost like I did something wrong. But really, she kissed me. I moved my
hands over her back but never touched the other parts. I mean I asked first.
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked? I talked to Dorrie about Trudy. She said Trudy
has lots of problems and I should be careful. So, I think I will take a break from
Trudy. But I do still have this thing for her. I just feel so much intensity,
so overwhelmed. I want Leya, but she is part of another world that I can’t
always access.