A Promise for Tomorrow (49 page)
“You’ll come with me, won’t you?” Carolina asked, her voice mingled with fear and dread.
“I can’t—” he said, stopping in midsentence as he donned his coat. His expression was stricken. “I have too much to take care of in regard to the celebration Ben has planned. They’re opening the line to Fairmont on the twenty-second of June, and there’s much to be done. I still have timber supports falling down in the tunnel. I can’t very well have a cave-in during the celebration, so I must see that section tended to.”
Anger welled up in Carolina at his response. The concern in his expression was genuine, but his refusal to accompany her was more than she expected. “I can’t believe you would deny me this.” She got to her feet. “My father may well die. Would you have me bear that alone?”
“Of course not,” James said. He came to take her in his arms, but Carolina remained stiff and unyielding. “I would accompany you if—”
“Don’t!” she exclaimed. “Don’t give me any more excuses. I don’t know why I should expect you to stand by me in this. You’re seldom ever here for any other reason.” She knew the bitterness in her voice but found it impossible to dam up the flow of words. “You see the railroad as your own personal legacy—a legacy of iron and rails—but your real legacy is here. We have a legacy in our children, but you hardly know them. I thought moving here would resolve that problem, but I was wrong. You spend long hours absorbed in the building of your precious tunnel and leave us to make our way. We’ve scarcely seen you since you recovered from the cholera last year.”
“The cholera made me feel a sense of urgency,” James offered. “I saw my own mortality, and I knew that I had to complete this tunnel. I thought you understood that dream.”
Again he approached as if to embrace her, but Carolina backed away. “I understand a great deal that I’m not given credit for. I understand my place is in this house, nurturing the children I’ve been given. I understand the ledgers and reports that deal with the building of this railroad. I even understand the properties and mechanics involved in some of the newest engine designs. What I fail to understand, however, is how you can leave me out of our dream.” At this she broke down, hating herself for her tears. Burying her face in her hands, she despised her behavior. How could she treat so cruelly the man she loved so dearly?
He came to her, as she knew he would, wrapping her in his arms—hushing her tears.
“I can’t abide myself,” she told him, breaking into yet another series of sobs. And that was what hurt her most. She couldn’t stand the way she had acted. Did education do this? Had she allowed herself to become some sort of freak? Was that why there was such discontentment inside of her?
“I find that I can abide you very well,” James said softly.
“Don’t!” She tried to jerk away from him, but he held her tight. “Don’t be kind to me. I don’t deserve it. I’ve been cruel and hopelessly critical.”
“You’ve just received bad news from home,” James countered gently. “You have a right to be upset.”
“But I think I’m more upset with myself than over this news about my father,” she said tearfully. “And that makes me an even worse person. I’m so selfish and bitter. I try to do what’s right, but I keep looking over the wall and wishing for what I can’t have.”
“And what is it you want that you don’t already have?” questioned James, his expression serious but loving.
“You,” she whispered, her heart aching from the way she’d behaved.
“But you’ve always had me,” he answered, tracing her jaw with his fingers.
“I know,” she said, and exasperation filled her voice. “I know.” And she did know it as well as she knew her own name. But there was more to it, and that was what confused her. Especially now, with her father’s injuries and the impending trip to Oakbridge. Where she once had longed to return to her childhood home, she now dreaded the thought of it.
“Look, I’ve got to go take care of a couple of things. I’ll send Miriam up here to help you pack and be back to take you to the station. All right?” He kissed her lightly without waiting for her to answer.
Carolina watched him go and felt like crying anew. He couldn’t possibly understand her feelings. How could he, she thought, when she herself didn’t understand them?
An hour later she stood ready, purse in hand and bags loaded in the carriage. She kissed each of the children good-bye, and only Nicholas seemed particularly out of sorts at her leaving. He was newly weaned, and Carolina knew he still considered her his private source of nourishment.
“I’ll take care of everything,” Victoria told her confidently. Carolina knew her fifteen-year-old daughter was quite competent in helping with her siblings and tending the house.
Miriam sniffled into a handkerchief and promised prayers for Master Joseph. Carolina knew that Miriam’s heart was breaking at the thought that Joseph might pass away. She supposed they both fretted over what his death might mean to the other slaves at Oakbridge.
She glanced around impatiently for James. Five minutes ago he had returned to the house. He had handed her some money, as well as a slip of paper, and then was just as quickly off and out the back door. She had no idea what he was doing. The carriage was already standing ready in the front yard. Perhaps he hadn’t seen it, but no doubt one look into the barn would assure him that he needn’t ready her transportation.
Nicholas began to wail for all he was worth, and Victoria, seeming to sense Carolina’s uneasiness, motioned to Brenton and Jordana. “Come on. We’ll take Nicky to play inside.”
“You children remember to obey Miriam and say your prayers,” Carolina called out. She hated to see them go, but perhaps it was for the best. Good-byes were never easy.
“I can’t imagine what’s keeping James,” she told Miriam in complete exasperation. “He said we had to be at the station in ten minutes, and that was five minutes ago.” She shook her head and rechecked the contents of her purse. Her traveling money was securely contained in a small drawstring bag Victoria had embroidered and given her as a birthday gift, and the slip of paper James had given her assured her safe and free passage all along the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad. Now the only thing missing was James.
But just then he appeared. Coming at a mad dash through the front door, James threw another bag into the carriage and reached out to help Carolina. “Come on, we’ve only got a few minutes to spare.”
“What’s that?” Carolina asked, nodding toward the extra bag.
“It’s my carpetbag. I mean to travel to Oakbridge with you,” he told her, then grinned devilishly. “That is, if you still want me to.”
Stunned, Carolina found it hard to speak. “Of . . . course.”
“Miriam, we’ll be back soon. I’ve already instructed Kiernan to make himself available to you. If you need anything, go to him.”
Miriam nodded.
“But the children,” Carolina said, realizing they’d not know of their father’s departure.
“I’ve already bid them good-bye,” James told her, smacking the reins against the horse’s rump. “I saw them in the house and told them to mind and I’d bring them all a present.”
Carolina smiled, remembering all the times her own father had done the same thing.
“And the railroad?” she asked.
“I put Kiernan in charge. He’ll do just fine,” James assured her.
“You certainly changed your mind in a hurry,” she commented.
“Let’s just say I saw the wisdom in it,” he replied.
They hurried through the town and made their way to the depot just as the train whistle gave its first blast. James jumped from the carriage, motioned one of the baggagemen to take charge of their luggage, then helped Carolina down.
They were seated, with the train already in motion before either one said another word. With James at her side, Carolina felt both joy and guilt, and with her gloved hands folded demurely on her lap, she searched for words to tell him she was sorry.
“I want to say something,” James spoke before she could compose her thoughts.
Carolina turned and looked into his blue eyes—eyes she had so long searched for love, hope, and strength. She knew she deserved his anger and consternation, but instead she found only compassion.
“I’ve been wrong to stay away from home so much. After all, the real reason you came to Greigsville was in order to keep us together as a family. I’m sorry. I can’t explain it, but this whole matter seems to have grown into an overwhelming mess. When Red was killed, I thought I’d never take joy in the tunnel again. It seemed our drive to see the thing completed had taken the life of a good man. But then I rationalized that Red’s impatience and inability to heed authority had killed him, not the job itself.
“I don’t want my actions to kill what we have between us, Carolina. We have a good marriage and a fine family, and I know those things better than you would imagine. I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I don’t know how to help you.”
“How could you?” Carolina responded. “I’m uncertain as to how to help myself. I’m uncertain about a great deal.”
“But surely not about us? Surely you aren’t uncertain about your love for me, and mine for you.”
She smiled. “No. But I do become jealous,” she admitted sheepishly.
“Of what?” he asked, his expression confused.
“You,” Carolina replied. “You can’t know the battle I wage inside of myself. On one hand I want only to make you happy and be a good wife and mother. Then I see or hear something to do with the railroad, and you are a part of it and I am not. I envy your respected position among the men of the B&O, and I wish I could somehow hold that same respect. I—or should I say we?—own thousands, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stock, yet I’m not allowed to vote my own shares. You vote them, and yes, I know you always ask me what I desire you to do. We always discuss the matters as they come.” She laughed nervously and twisted her hands together. “I know how silly this sounds. Believe me. My mother used to chide me for it. My father sympathized and everyone else fell somewhere in between.”
“Except me,” James said quite seriously. “I understood. I promoted your learning.”
“Yes, for what good it has done. I see only that it has made me discontented. Perhaps Mother was right. It is a danger to educate a woman. After all, she cannot do a thing with her knowledge.”
“Bah!” James said, shaking his head. “We neither one believe that rhetoric. No, what I think you need is simple. You need a task that involves you with the railroad. Something you can legitimately do without facing the disapproval of the general public.”
“And why should I care what the public thinks?”
“I’ve often asked that same question. So why don’t you answer it for me?”
Carolina shrugged. “I’m not sure I have an answer.”
“I think you do. I think you’ve convinced yourself that you can’t have any other role in life, and I’m telling you differently. If you desire to sit at home and keep track of the railroad’s progress, then so be it. You know very well that most of my reports are done from the desk in our bedroom. There’s no reason you can’t sit there and tend to the matter instead of me. That way I’ll have more time to share with our children, and you will have a purpose and occupation that includes your participation with the railroad.”
“Do you really suppose it would work?” Carolina asked, suddenly excited at the prospect.
“I do. I have business in Baltimore to tend to. I’ll talk to Thomas Swann myself and inform him that the task shall now fall to you.”
Carolina grew quiet, remembering her reason for being on the train in the first place. “You will still accompany me to Oakbridge, won’t you?”
“Absolutely,” he said, squeezing her hand. “I was wrong to suggest you should ever make this trip alone. It was heartless of me, and nothing made me see things as clearly as that one thoughtless action. Will you forgive me?”
Carolina felt instant contrition. “So long as you forgive me.”
“And for what should I forgive you? The desire to share in the dream we built together?”
“No,” she said, seriously considering her heart. “For the bitterness and envy I have harbored against you. I know now they alone are the sources of my unhappiness.”
“Then harbor them no longer,” he said, leaning close to whisper in her ear. “Harbor only love, as I feel for you.”
She turned, and when she did so, their lips brushed together. Regardless of the public display, James kissed her long and lovingly. Carolina sighed. She knew there was much yet to be done in her heart. Knew that it was entirely up to her to make her way and be glad. She offered up a prayer for her father’s safety and recovery, and followed it with her sincerest request for forgiveness. The road ahead held promise. A promise for their love. A promise for tomorrow.
Delighted to find her sister-in-law Lucy and brother York already in residence at Oakbridge, Carolina embraced them both with enthusiasm.
“I am so glad we could all be together,” she told her brother.
“Even if it does have to be for such a dismal reason,” York replied. “However, there is good news. Father is recovering, in spite of the doctor’s lack of hope.”
“Thanks be to God for that,” James replied, shaking hands with York.
Lucy and Carolina were still holding hands and chattering on about their children when Georgia and her brood were admitted to the house. Lydia appeared and whisked all of the children up to the nursery while the women greeted one another warmly.
“Have they told you that Father is better?” Georgia asked Carolina as she entered with her husband, the Major.
“York was just mentioning that. I’m so anxious to see him. May we go up now?” Carolina asked, looking to York.
“Of course. In fact, Father said we were to gather in his room for some sort of family meeting,” York replied.
“Family meeting?” questioned Carolina. “Whatever could that be all about?”
“He’s been quite agitated ever since the slave revolt,” Lucy said.
Georgia acknowledged the truth of this, as well. “He’s not been at all happy. He’s totally convinced that something must be done and done quickly.”