A Royal Entanglement: The Young Royals Book 2 (38 page)

I slid further down under the water and stifled the sob that made my throat ache.  Being Freddie’s girlfriend was like a dream come true.  The Freddie that everyone else knew was not the Freddie I had gotten to know.  I assumed his public persona was a well-cultivated one and I saw how people underestimated him because of it.  But I had a feeling that I had gotten to know the real Freddie and he was even more attractive than the playboy prince that the media portrayed.
 

Freddie was intelligent and had a midas touch with business.  He had amassed his own personal fortune, separate from the one his father had built, and he had made solid business connections that would continue to serve him well as he entered this new phase in his life.  I was heartbroken not to be by his side as he took up the mantle of the family business.
 

Even though I had tried to remind myself that Freddie and I could never work long-term, being with him had been so easy and had felt so right that I had been lulled into thinking that we just might have a chance.  But blood will out.  I couldn’t escape the mess that was my family and it was not fair to drag Freddie into the muck with me.
 

Knowing that logically this was the best thing didn’t make it any easier to live out.  I missed him.  I missed his calm voice of reason, I missed the feel of his hand on the small of my back, I missed the way my skin pebbled when he whispered in my ear and I missed the way he kissed me.  But most of all, I missed the woman I was when I was around him.  Freddie gave me permission to be my real self, he gave me permission to let the little bit of wild that remained in me, out.
 

But that wild part was well and truly locked down now.  I couldn’t afford to lose control around Bradley or Kiki.  I needed to keep myself reined in and I needed to be in control at all times.
 

But not tonight.  Tonight I got to dream about what could’ve been.  Tears slid down my cheeks, the salty drips mixing with the cooling bath water.  I let them come, it would be the last time I allowed myself to cry.  Tonight was the last time I would allow myself to feel sorry for, well, for myself.  Tomorrow would be the start of my new life and there would be no room for tears or sentimentality.  If I was going to get through the next five years, then I couldn’t give in to the depression that threatened to engulf me.  I needed to be strong, I needed to keep my eye on the finish line, five years into the future.  Then I could get my life back, then I could cry.  But after tonight and until that day in the future, there would be no weakness in me.  I refused to be vulnerable in front of Bradley or Kiki.  i refused to let them beat me.  They may have won this battle, but they wouldn’t win the war.
 

The day dawned like any other day.
 
I had slept fitfully, trying desperately to work out another way for me to help my family, but there was no other solution, this was the only way.

With a groan, I stretched and then sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.
 
The pity-party was done and I was moving forward.
 
I had to say goodbye to that old life and keep my eyes forward.
 
Looking back helped no one and it certainly wouldn’t help me.

There was a soft knock on the door and then Lily came in.
 
She had changed over the last few days and I liked the girl she was becoming.
 
I had been able to get her a job with Harmon Enterprises and she was to start the same day I did.
 
It would be good for her and I could already see her own self confidence growing.
 
If my presence here in the States could help get her out of the lifestyle, then it would be worth the pain I had to endure.

“I brought you some breakfast,” she said as she set a tray on the bed beside me, “And I thought I might be able to help you get ready.”

I smiled up at her, “Thank you, that’s so sweet.
 
I’d love for you to help me get ready.”

She sat down on the upholstered wing chair near the bed, her feet tucked up under her and played with the fraying seam.
 
She looked so young in her sweats, no makeup and her hair pulled up in a messy knot on top of her head, such a different girl than the one who had been pulling stunts to get her photo in the paper.
 
And she was thin… too thin.
 
Her collarbones stood out and her face looked almost gaunt.
 
When she wore her full face of makeup, I’d never noticed.

“Have you eaten?” I asked as I took a bite of the rye toast she’d brought me.

“I had coffee,” she replied.

I patted the bed on the other side of the tray in invitation.
 
“Come and join me and share my toast,” I said, “I’m too nervous to eat too much.”

She hesitated for a moment before coming over to sit with me.
 
She picked up a piece of toast and nibbled daintily on it.

“Are you sure you should go ahead with this?” she asked after a moment.

I sighed, “Yeah,” I said sadly, “I don’t see another way for us to keep the house.
 
I certainly can’t afford to pay the back taxes and the mortgage that is owed.”

“Can’t Freddie help?”

I swallowed down the piece of toast I had been chewing with difficulty, it had turned to dust in my mouth.
 
I put the rest of it back on the plate and closed my eyes briefly, beating back the emotions that were threatening to spill everywhere.
 
I shook my head.

“I couldn’t ask him to do that,” I finally said.
 
“We’d only been dating a couple of weeks when all this happened and there is no way that I could ask him to take my family on.
 
With the stunts that Kiki and Tina play—”

“And me.”

I smiled at her affectionately, “Not anymore.
 
But the other two have no inclination to change and I couldn’t do that to Freddie.
 
His family are a big deal, his dad is the Prime Minister.
 
Besides,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat, “I haven’t heard from him since Kiki leaked that story to the papers in Merveille, he probably wants nothing to do with me.”

Lily looked at me like she was about to say something, but then changed her mind.
 
I wouldn’t push, I didn’t have the emotional capacity today.

I drank down the tea she had made for me and stood to my feet.
 
“Okay, let’s get this done.”

I walked over to my closet and pulled out the suit I would wear today.
 
Lily jumped up and brushed the crumbs from her fingers, staring in surprise at the pants and jacket.

“This is what you’re wearing?” she asked, more in awe than disgust.

“Yeah,” I said, running my hand lightly over the cool fabric.
 
“What do you think?”

“I love it,” she said.

I shrugged, “I didn’t want to do the whole big dress this again… it didn’t work out so good last time.”

“How’re you going to have your hair?” she asked.

“I just thought I would pull it back like I normally do.”

“Can I do it?” she asked eagerly, “I’m real good with hair, Tiny and mom get me to do their’s all the time.”

I smiled.
 
“I’d love that,” I said feeling a warmth bloom in my chest.
 
I had spent too many years trying to keep the family together to actually bond with my sisters, but this felt good, right.

“Come and sit,” she said, pulling out the chair that was in front of my dressing-table mirror.
 
“I just have to go and get a few things and I’ll be right back.”

I sat and stared at myself in the mirror.
 
I had been here before, looking at myself in the mirror on the day of my wedding.
 
Last time I ran, but this time I couldn’t.
 
The same flight response was buzzing under my skin, like an itch that I needed to scratch, but I refused to give in to it.
 
I had to go through with this today, I had to marry Bradley in order to save my family from destitution, it was the only choice I had.

Lily came back into the room with a Louis Vuitton beauty case and sat it on the dresser.
 
She unzipped and opened it to reveal a neatly organised salon-in-a-bag.

“I thought maybe I could do your makeup too,” she said shyly.

“Yes please,” I replied enthusiastically and she lit up.

I relaxed back in the chair and let her work.
 
She was really good and I felt safe in her hands.
 
A idea formed in my mind, and I let it marinate while she brushed and pinned and lacquered.
 
Maybe I could do more for Lily than just getting her a job in an office, maybe I could help her find her true calling.

We arrived at the courthouse with half an hour to spare.
 
Kiki, Eddie and Tina all headed for the chamber where the marriage would take place and Lily and I headed for the ladies’ room.
 
She helped me into my suit and pinned the fascinator to my hair style before touching up my makeup.
 
Then she stood back and admired the finished product.
 
She nodded and then hugged me tentatively.
 
I tightened my arms around her and absorbed the hug, feeling the need for a human connection.

“It’ll all work out,” she whispered in my ear, “I know it will.”

I forced back the tears that had sprung to my eyes and nodded as she stepped back.
 
She left me alone to have a moment and I closed my eyes, forcing down the sobs that wanted to wrack my body.
 
I shook myself lightly and straightened my spine.
 
I could do this.
 
I could come out of this the victor.
 
I refused to be beaten down and become bitter.
 
This was just a season in my life and it would be over in five short years.

The familiar feeling of drowning, of not being able to find my feet.
 
The sensation of not having enough oxygen, the tremors in my hands, the
inevitability
of it all.
 
It was all there, just like the first time around, but I was determined to not let it overtake me.
 
The last time I stood waiting to marry Bradley, I hadn’t been in love, but there had been a mutual respect and the thought that it could possibly grow to a kind of love.
 
This time I was under no such illusions, so logically there was no reason to feel anxious.
 
I knew, with certainty, what the next five years of my life would look like, how many people could say that?
 
It should be a relief, and yet…