A Small Town Dream (7 page)

“Okay, Connie, now, what the blazes is going on?” Connie hung her head between her knees. Annie waited, worried.

“Parker is... something’s wrong, but I don’t know what.” Connie was a wreck. Annie rubbed her back. “We haven’t had sex in, I don’t know, at least two months, and we used to do it all the time. He barely speaks to me. He says he still loves me but, there’s something under the surface, something he’s not telling me.”

“He says he loves you?” Annie wasn’t sure why she needed to hear that, but she did.

“Yes,” Connie said through her teeth. “He
says
‘I love you,’ whoopee-doo. But he doesn’t want to fu—” Annie flinched, and Connie’s hand flew to her mouth. She knew Annie did not use that kind of language, and was always upset when one of her friends did, even when stressed. “Sorry, Annie, I’m just... I wish I knew what was going on with Parker.”

Then Connie grilled Annie about Parker’s behavior, if Annie had noticed any differences. Annie hedged.

“Well, he’s dressing a little differently, but he still looks nice, and I think he’s smoking a little more than when he first—”

“That’s not what I mean, Annie! It’s that book, that damn
Road
book. I should have sucked it up, forced myself to read it, told him I loved it, never mind I’d be lying. Stupid, stupid
book
.”

“It’s not about the book itself,” Annie said without thinking. As soon as the words left her lips, she wished them back.

“What do you
mean
?” Connie asked, her voice choked with emotion. “Do you know something?
Annie,
please
, tell me. You
have
to help me.” Annie wasn’t sure what to say. To buy time, she pretended to have a tickle in her throat.

Finally, she said simply, “You need to talk to Parker.”

“
Annie
, I
have
talked to him. He says there isn’t anything wrong. He says he loves me, he says everything is fine. But…” she grabbed Annie’s hand, “I know it’s not. I can feel it, something’s different.
Please
, Annie,
tell
me.” She was obviously desperate and hurting.

“Well, the book,” Annie began, carefully choosing her words, not wanting Connie to know what she and Parker had done. “It makes you feel... It makes you
look
beyond what you’ve been doing all your life, to question where you’re headed. It makes you want...
more
.” Connie watched Annie’s intently, waiting. “I think Parker was really affected by it. I was. It
is
exciting, and it made me re-think staying for the rest of my life. Maybe Parker is just... I don’t know... Thinking about other options.”
Not
a good choice of words. Connie started to cry.

“So,
other options
like,
other girls
,” Connie sniffed through her tears. “Do you think he’s seeing someone else?” Annie felt stuck. What could she say? The truth would crush her. But w
hat
was
the truth? She and Parker had kissed but, Parker didn’t say he was
leaving
Connie, just that he was frustrated. Did Parker want
more
than just a kiss from Annie?

“Connie, this school is ridiculously small, so if Parker was seeing someone else, you’d have heard about it by now, for sure.” Connie smiled slowly. “Look,” Annie continued, “
talk
to him, give him a chance to explain, to express things. I don’t think he wants to leave
you
, but I think he’s thinking differently about life from here on in.” Connie nodded. Then she leapt at Annie and hugged her.

“God, Annie,” she said through more tears, “what the he— I mean, what would I ever do without you?” Annie hugged back and then gently pushed her away.

“I didn’t do anything, Con, really, you’re just... You see
your
future clearly, and you don’t want anything to ruin it. But, I think you will feel much better if you just talk to Parker, and try to accept what he says.” Again, Connie hugged her, promising her she would.

Again, Annie was left with guilt and jealousy as her only companions. It was becoming a familiar situation.

***

I need to see you tonight, please, things are spinning out of control, and I need your wisdom
.

Annie quickly crumpled the note. She meant to stash it in her locker, but in spite of herself, read it again. Parker had slipped it into one of the vents in the door. He wanted to see
her
, to talk with
her
. She felt a rush of sickness, guilt, worry…and elation.

Wait a minute. What was she doing? How could she do this to her best friend? She decided she
would
see Parker, but only to tell him they had to stop spending time alone together. Connie was
his
girlfriend,
his
future, and he needed to focus on her. If he couldn’t, if he weren't interested in her any longer, he needed to tell her. He owed her that much.

***

“We have to stop this, Parker.” Once again, they were back at the lake. Once again, Parker built a fire, lit a cigarette, held her hand. Once again... Annie let him kiss her. And she had kissed him back, intoxicated by his passion and his breath. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Parker.”
More to the point, Annie Stewart, what’s going on with you?

“Yes, you do, Anne.” He faced her, his eyes soft. “You, of all the people I know, know
exactly
what’s going on.” She smoothed her skirt, trying to steady herself. Her body tingled from his kiss, but her mind was racing, and her heart hurt so much. “Anne, I’m not the guy my parents want me to be, not anymore. I don’t want to study law, I don’t want to work for my uncle, I don’t want to be tied down here, and I
don’t
want…” He combed his fingers through his hair. She watched, utterly distracted by how he moved. Finally, she found her tongue.

“
What
don’t you want, Parker?”

He took a deep breath, then said flatly, “Connie. I don’t want Connie. I don’t want the life she’s mapped out and plugged me into.” Annie sat at his side, holding his hand, silent, looking out onto the smooth, onyx water.

Does he want
me
now? Do I wa
nt him?
And did she actually want him, or was she just caught up in the passion of the moment? She decided to take a chance.

“Well,” she began solely, “maybe you don’t want the
life
Connie wants, but you still want
her
. Maybe, if you two talked, you’d find a way to change and grow
together
. So being a lawyer, working for your uncle here, isn’t the life you want, that still doesn’t mean you don’t want Connie, right?”

Parker was quiet. He dropped her hand and walked back to the fire. He added more branches and pine needles, then poked it with a stick, letting air in under the branches. The flames shot up, bright and fierce. Annie waited for him to speak. He stared into the fire, then up into the trees.

“I love Connie,” he said, “and she’s...interesting and fun, and... She’s the first girl I’ve ever had sex with and...that’s been…nice.” Annie winced at the word. “She says she wants to
leave
the small town life but, the thing is, she
is
small town.”

No,” Annie protested, “
I’m
small town. Connie is big city. She’s adventure.”

“No, Anne, she’s
not
.” Parker finally looked at her. “Trust me, Connie Baker is not big city. She talks a good game, about getting away, but it’s for all the wrong reasons.”

“What do you mean?” He sat back down the log and took her hand again.

“Connie has no idea who she is,” he said, his tone serious, grave and...adult. “She thinks this town defines her, but, she
has
no definition. She thinks living in the city will give her an identity. It won’t, trust me. If she moved to a place like New York, she’d vanish. She has no clue who and what she is. She’s constantly talking about leaving, running away but from
what
? From the streets and the shops, from school, from Rockland? No. She’s running away from the fact that she knows she’s not—” He stopped abruptly.

“She’s not
what
?”

“She’s not
special
. Connie is sweet, and nice, and decent, and good, but she’s not special, and she knows it. Compared to you, to Ellen, to... Compared most people in this town, she’s not special. She feels average here, overlooked, and so she thinks leaving here will make her special. She wants to be a lawyer’s wife, to come back for reunions, and have people ask her about living in the city, city life... life
outside
of Rockland.
That
, she thinks, will
make
her special, but it won’t.”

This was a truth Annie had never imagined. She and her friends always saw Connie as more cosmopolitan, more forward-thinking. She was special to
them
. She knew the latest fashions, all the trends. Annie told Parker all this, and he snorted.

“That’s the way
you
see her. The way you all see her, but it’s not how she sees herself. She’s waiting to be
discovered
. She’s afraid, and it makes her cling to the idea that leaving here will change her.”

“I don’t understand, Parker. I think maybe you need to give her a chance.” At that, he faced her squarely.

“What about
us
, Anne? What about giving
us
a chance?”

There, he’d said it.
Us
. Her heart flooded, and to keep herself from jumping up and dancing, she squeezed his hand. Could there really be an
us
? What would it be like? To be Parker’s girl? Going on a journey with him?

But what about Connie? What about
her
dreams,
her
life? Could she truly do this to her friend?

She sighed heavily then said, “There
is
no us, Parker. There can’t be now. Not until—”

“Until
when
?”

“I don’t know. Maybe with time, with distance, but not while we’re still here. Not while Connie still loves you and looks to you as—”

“Her savior,” he said, curling his lip.

“No, as her
boyfriend
. She loves you. Is that really such a bad thing?” He worked his jaw. “
Parker
?” she pressed.

“It’s not
bad
, Anne, it’s just not...
You
.” She trembled, hoping he didn’t see.

“What do you mean, Parker?”
Say it, Parker. Say
—

“I love
you
, Anne.”

There it was. The moment every girl dreams of. The moment a boy says
I love you
. A fervent hope, a precious dream, and now, it happened for Annie. And it was all wrong. Well, not completely.

“Parker, you don’t love me, you love
Connie.”
She had to convince herself more than him. “You’re just confused.” He stood and moved to the edge of the circle of light thrown by the fire. Was he angry? She didn’t want to know. She just wanted to run.

“I
was
confused.
Very
confused. I was doing what I was
supposed
to do.” Annie recognized the line from Kerouac. “Then I went to New York, and I read that book, but not just that one. I read Burroughs, and this poem called
Howl
, by Ginsberg. I saw things in the city, and at Columbia, I felt humble, but not comfortable. It’s a great school. I know I can do well if I buckle down, stay focused, finish law school, pass the bar. I know I can do that. I know Mom and Dad would be thrilled, and Connie would love it. In my
head
, I know all that. But my heart… Here’s this terrific school in the middle of this fantastic city, and I’m going to go, and hide, and focus, and not experience
any
of it.”