A Son Of The Circus (84 page)

‘You say you were in love with a man, and that your feelings for him finally
lessened
,’ the doctor began.

That’s correct,’ the scholastic said stiffly.

‘But can you point to any moment or to any single episode that marked the end of your infatuation?’ Farrokh asked. ‘Did anything happen – was there an incident that convinced you? What made you decide you could resist such an attraction and become a priest?’ This was beating around the bush, Dr Daruwalla knew, but the doctor had to begin somewhere.

‘I saw how Christ existed for me. I saw that Jesus had never abandoned me,’ the zealot said.

‘Do you mean you had a vision?’ Farrokh asked.

‘In a way,’ the Jesuit said mysteriously. ‘I was at a low point in my relationship with Jesus. And I’d reached a very cynical decision. There is no lack of resistance that is as great a giving-up as fatalism – I’m ashamed to say I was totally fatalistic.’

‘Did you actually see Christ or didn’t you?’ the doctor asked him.

‘Actually, it was only a statue of Christ,’ the missionary admitted.

‘You mean it was real?’ Farrokh asked.

‘Of course it was real – it was at the end of a parking lot, at the school where I taught. I used to see it every day — twice a day, in fact,’ Martin said. ‘It was just a white stone statue of Christ in a typical pose.’ And there, in the back seat of the speeding Land Rover, the zealot rotated both his palms toward heaven, apparently to demonstrate the pose of the supplicant.

‘It sounds truly tasteless – Christ in a parking lot!’ Dr Daruwalla remarked.

‘It wasn’t very artistic,’ the Jesuit replied. ‘Occasionally, as I recall, the statue was vandalized.’

‘I can’t imagine why,’ Farrokh muttered.

‘Well, anyway, I had stayed at the school quite late one night – I was directing a school play, another musical… I can’t remember which one, And this man who’d been such an obsession for me … he was also staying late. But his car wouldn’t start – he had an awful car — and he asked me for a ride home.’

‘Uh-oh,’ said Dr Daruwalla.

‘My feelings for him had already lessened, as I’ve said, but I was still not immune to his attractiveness,’ the missionary admitted. ‘Here was such a sudden opportunity – the
availability
of him was painfully apparent. Do you know what I mean?’

Dr Daruwalla, who was remembering his disturbing night with Madhu, said, ‘Yes – of course I know. What happened?’

‘This is what I mean by how cynical I was,’ the scholastic said. ‘I was so totally fatalistic, I decided that if he made the slightest advance toward me, I would respond. I wouldn’t initiate such an advance, but I knew I would respond.’

‘And did you? Did
he
?’ the doctor asked.

‘Then I couldn’t find my car – it was a huge parking lot,’ Martin said. ‘But I remembered that I always tried to park near Christ…’

‘The statue, you mean …’ Farrokh interrupted.

‘Yes, the statue, of course – I had parked right in front of it,’ the Jesuit explained. ‘When I finally found my car, it was so dark I couldn’t see the statue, not even when I was sitting inside my car. But I knew exactly where Christ was. It was a funny moment. I was waiting for this man to touch me, but all the while I was looking into the darkness at that exact spot where Jesus was.’

‘Did the guy touch you?’ Farrokh asked.

‘I turned on the headlights before he had a chance,’ Martin Mills replied. ‘And there was Christ – he stood out very brightly in the headlights. He was exactly where I knew he would be.’

‘Where else would a statue be?’ Dr Daruwalla cried. ‘Do statues move around in your country?’

‘You belittle the experience to focus on the statue,’ the Jesuit said. ‘The statue was just the vehicle. What I felt was the presence of God. I felt a oneness with Jesus, too – not with the statue. I felt I’d been shown what believing in Christ was like – for me. Even in the darkness – even as I sat expecting something horrible to happen to me – there was a certainty that he was there. Christ was there for me; he’d not abandoned me. I could still see him.’

‘I guess I’m not making the necessary leap,’ said Dr Daruwalla. ‘I mean, your belief in Christ is one thing. But wanting to be a priest … how did you get from Jesus in the parking lot to wanting to be a priest?’

‘Well, that’s different,’ Martin confessed.

That’s the part I don’t get,’ Farrokh replied. Then he said it: ‘And was that the end of all such desires? I mean, was your homosexuality ever again engaged … so to speak …’

‘Homosexuality?’ said the Jesuit. ‘That’s not the point. I’m not a homosexual, nor am I a heterosexual. I am simply not a sexual entity – not anymore.’

‘Come on,’ the doctor said. ‘If you were to be sexually attracted, it would be a homosexual attraction, wouldn’t it?’

‘That’s not a relevant question,’ the scholastic replied. ‘It isn’t that I’m without sexual feelings, but I have resisted sexual attraction. I will have no problem continuing to resist it.’

‘But what you’re resisting is a
homosexual
inclination, isn’t it?’ Farrokh asked. ‘I mean, let us speculate – you can speculate, can’t you?’

‘I don’t speculate on the subject of my vows,’ the Jesuit said.

‘But, please indulge me, if something happened – if for
any
reason you decided
not
to be a priest – then wouldn’t you be a homosexual?’ Dr Daruwalla asked.

‘Mercy! You are the most stubborn person!’ Martin Mills cried out good-naturedly.

‘I am stubborn?’ the doctor shouted.

‘I am neither a homosexual nor a heterosexual,’ the Jesuit calmly stated. ‘The terms don’t necessarily apply to
inclinations
, or do they? I had a passing inclination.’

‘It has passed? Completely? Is that what you’re saying?’ Dr Daruwalla asked.

‘Mercy,’ Martin repeated.

‘You become a person of no identifiable sexuality on the basis of an encounter with a statue in a parking lot; yet you deny the possibility that I was bitten by a ghost!’ Dr Daruwalla cried. ‘Am I following your reasoning correctly?’

‘I don’t believe in ghosts, per se,’ the Jesuit replied.

‘But you believe you experienced a oneness with Jesus. You felt the presence of God – in a parking lot!’ Farrokh shouted.

‘I believe that our conversation – that is, if you continue to raise your voice – is a distraction to our driver,’ said Martin Mills. ‘Perhaps we should resume discussion of this subject after we’ve safely arrived at the airport.’

They were still nearly an hour from Rajkot, with Ramu dodging death every few miles; then there would be the wait at the airport, not to mention a likely delay, and finally the flight itself. On a Sunday afternoon or evening, the taxi from Santa Cruz into Bombay could take another 45 minutes or an hour. Worse, it was a special Sunday; it was December 31, 1989, but neither the doctor nor the missionary knew it was New Year’s Eve — or if they knew, they’d forgotten.

At St Ignatius, the jubilee celebration was planned for New Year’s Day, which Martin Mills had also forgotten, and the New Year’s Eve party at the Duckworth Sports Club was a black-tie occasion of uncharacteristic merriment; there would be dancing to a live band and a splendid midnight supper – not to mention the unusual, once-a-year quality of the champagne. No Duckworthian in Bombay would willingly miss the New Year’s Eve party.

John D. and Deputy Commissioner Patel were sure that Rahul would be there – Mr Sethna had already informed them. They’d spent much of the day rehearsing what Inspector Dhar would say when he and the second Mrs Dogar danced. Julia had pressed Farrokh’s tuxedo, which needed a lengthy airing on the balcony to rid it of its mothball aroma. But both New Year’s Eve and the Duckworth Club were far from Farrokh’s mind. The doctor was focused on what remained of his journey to Rajkot, after which he still had to travel to Bombay. If Farrokh couldn’t endure another minute of Martin’s arguments, he had to initiate a different conversation.

‘Perhaps we should change the subject,’ Dr Daruwalla suggested. ‘And keep our voices down.’

‘As you wish. I promise to keep
mine
down,’ the missionary said with satisfaction.

Farrokh was at a loss to know what to talk about. He tried to think of a long personal story, something which would allow him to talk and talk, and which would render the missionary speechless – powerless to interrupt. The doctor could begin, ‘I know your twin’; that would lead to quite a long personal story.
That
would shut Martin Mills up! But, as before, Farrokh felt it wasn’t his place to tell this story; that was John D.’s decision.

‘Well, /can think of something to say,’ the scholastic said; he’d been politely waiting for Dr Daruwalla to begin, but he hadn’t waited long.

‘Very well – go ahead,’ the doctor replied.

‘I think that you shouldn’t go witch-hunting for homosexuals,’ the Jesuit began. ‘Not
these
days. Not when there is understandable sensitivity toward anything remotely homophobic. What do you have against homosexuals, anyway?’

‘I have
nothing
against homosexuals. I’m
not
homophobic,’ Dr Daruwalla snapped. ‘And you haven’t exactly changed the subject!’

‘You’re not exactly keeping your voice down,’ Martin said.

At the airport in Rajkot, the loudspeaker system had progressed to a new test; more advanced counting skills were being demonstrated. ‘Eleven, twenty-two, thirty-three, forty-four, fifty-five,’ said the tireless voice. There was no telling where this would lead; it hinted at infinity. The voice was without emotion; the counting was so mechanical that Dr Daruwalla thought he might go mad. Instead of listening to the numbers or enduring the Jesuitical provocations of Martin Mills, Farrokh chose to tell a story. Although it was a true story – and, as the doctor would soon discover, painful to tell – it suffered from the disadvantage that the storyteller had never told it before; even true stories are improved by revision. But the doctor hoped that his tale would illustrate how the missionary’s allegations of homophobia were false, for Dr Daruwalla’s favorite colleague in Toronto was a homosexual. Gordon Macfarlane was also Farrokh’s best friend.

Unfortunately, the screenwriter began the story in the wrong place. Dr Daruwalla should have started with his earliest acquaintance of Dr Macfarlane, including how the two had concurred on the misuse of the word ‘gay’; that they’d generally agreed with the findings of Mac’s boyfriend, the gay geneticist – regarding the biology of homosexuality – was also interesting. Had Dr Daruwalla started with a discussion of this subject, he might not have prejudiced Martin Mills against him. But, at the airport in Rajkot, he’d made the mistake of inserting Dr Macfarlane in the form of a flashback – as if Mac were only a minor character and not a friend who was often foremost on Farrokh’s mind.

He’d begun with the wrong story, about the time he’d been abducted by a crazed cab driver, for Farrokh’s training as a writer of action films had preconditioned him to begin any story with the most violent action he could imagine (or, in this case, remember). But to begin with an episode of racial abuse was misleading to the missionary, who concluded that Farrokh’s friendship with Gordon Macfarlane was secondary to the doctor’s outrage at his own mistreatment as an Indian in Toronto. This was inept storytelling, for Farrokh had meant only to convey how his mistreatment as an obvious immigrant of color in Canada had further solidified his friendship with a homosexual, who was no stranger to discrimination of another kind.

It was a Friday in the spring; many of Farrokh’s colleagues left their offices early on Friday afternoons because they were cottagers, but the Daruwallas enjoyed their weekends in Toronto – their second home was in Bombay. Farrokh had had a cancellation; hence he was free to leave early – otherwise, he would have asked Macfarlane for a ride home or called a cab. Mac also spent his weekends in Toronto and kept late office hours on Friday.

Since it wasn’t yet rush hour, Farrokh thought he’d walk for a while and then hail a taxi from the street, probably in front of the museum. For some years he’d avoided the subway; an uncomfortable racial incident had happened there. Oh, there’d been shouts from the occasional passing car – no one had ever called him a Parsi; in Toronto, few people knew what a Parsi was. What they called out was ‘Paki bastard!’ or ‘Wog!’ or ‘Babu!’ or ‘Go home!’ His pale-brown coloring and jet-black hair made it difficult for them; he wasn’t as identifiable as many Indians. Sometimes they called him an Arab – twice he’d been called a Jew. It was his Persian ancestry; he could pass for a Middle Easterner. But whoever the shouters were, they knew he was foreign – racially different.

Once he’d even been called a Wop! At the time, he’d wondered what sort of idiot could mistake him for an Italian. Now he knew that it wasn’t
what
he was that bothered the shouters; it was only that he wasn’t one of them. But most often the theme of the slurs subscribed to that view of him which can only clumsily be expressed as ‘an immigrant of color.’ In Canada, it seemed, the prejudice against the
immigrant
composition of his features was as strong as whatever prejudice existed of the off-color kind.

He stopped taking the subway after an episode with three teenage boys. At first, they hadn’t seemed so threatening – more mischievous. There was a hint of menace only because they sat so deliberately close to him; there were many other places for them to sit. One sat on either side of him, the third across the aisle. The boy to the doctor’s left nudged his arm. ‘We’ve got a bet going,’ the boy said. ‘What are you?’

Dr Daruwalla realized later that the only reason he’d found them unthreatening was that they wore their school blazers and ties. After the incident, he could have called their school; he never did.

‘I said what are you?’ the boy repeated. That was the first moment Farrokh felt threatened.

‘I’m a doctor,’ Dr Daruwalla replied.

The boys on either side of him looked decidedly hostile; it was the boy across the aisle who saved him. ‘My dad’s a doctor,’ the boy stupidly remarked.