A Song in the Night (68 page)

He is the God who sees me. And he loves me.

That night, as she lay in the darkness, she knew something had changed. For the first time in as long as she could remember, her mind was at peace. A thick, heavy peace that seemed to hang in the air around her; a peace that flooded her being with every breath. She pulled the covers around her face and sighed. But it was a sigh of the most wonderful contentment.

He knows about everything, and now he’s coming to clean up all the mess.

She listened to the silence. It seemed to her the most beautiful sound she had ever heard.

Thank you, Lord, for seeing me. Thank you for loving me enough to come after me, even when I thought you didn’t care. I never realised you were there all along. Thank you for not giving up on me …

Tears dribbled down her cheeks and into her hair. She knew there were many, many things he needed to sort out in her life. But now there was something else she knew too. From this night onward she belonged to God.

As her eyes began to droop and much-needed sleep crept upon her, her mind went back to the little upper room in the Youth House. She knew she would never forget the beautiful American girl who had shared her scars with her.

Rosie awoke the following morning to the sound of birdsong. As her mind slowly adjusted to the idea of being awake, memories of the previous evening came flooding back. Reaching for one of the curtains, she pulled it back slightly so that a shaft of sunlight streamed into the room. She found herself smiling at the brightness of it.

Thank you, Lord, that you see me this morning. Thank you for everything.

She pictured the crowd at the youth meeting the night before. God had singled her out. From everybody there, he’d singled her out to speak to. Her.
Rosie
Maconochie.
She closed her eyes and hugged herself happily. She’d never realised God would take the time to do a thing like that. Even in those days when she’d conceded he might just exist, she’d always thought of him as remote and distant, too busy running the universe to intervene in the affairs of mere mortals. But here he was, reaching down out of heaven to speak to
her.
It was almost too wonderful to be true. And yet she knew it
was
true. Only God could have shown Amy the things she’d described the evening before. And only God could have given Rosie the joy she felt inside her this morning. Even here in this room – away from all the music and excitement of the previous night, away from the comforting presence of Amy – Rosie knew that God was as close to her as her own breath. She felt like a new person.

An hour later she saw Cassie fixing her hair ready for the Sunday morning service. She hesitated. Would it seem pushy to ask if she could go too? To actually volunteer rather than waiting to be invited? It certainly wouldn’t be the coolest thing she’d ever done. For a moment the old Rosie stiffened at the thought of it. But today a new voice seemed to vie for her attention. A quieter, more gentle voice.
Go on,
it said.
Don’t let pride stop you. You know that’s where you need to be.

“Any chance I could come along, Cassie?” The words were out before she knew it.

Cassie smiled gently. “Course you can, love. We’ll be setting off about ten fifteen.”

Even Saint Edwin’s looked different today. Brighter somehow, sunnier. In a strange way, it felt like coming home. So much had happened since she’d last sat in this place. Could it really have been only half a day ago? She wanted to pinch herself to make sure.

As they waited for the service to begin, Cassie turned to her. “Didn’t get chance to ask you last night, love – how did the youth thing go? Did you enjoy it?”

The question was sincerely asked. But as Rosie looked into the gentle grey eyes, she sensed that Cassie already knew the answer. “Let’s just say I wouldn’t have missed it.”

Cassie nodded knowingly and reached for her hand. “What a precious girl you are, Rosie,” she said softly. Rosie squeezed her fingers. She felt like crying.

As the service got under way, Rosie was amazed to discover that today everything suddenly made sense. Instead of irritating her, the songs made her happy. And the prayers were no longer in a foreign language; they actually echoed the sentiments of her own heart. She even understood Tim’s sermon. She was almost disappointed when the whole thing came to an end. Later, across at the church hall for refreshments, she spotted Jonathon coming towards her. He looked mildly curious.

She smiled sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, you win. He got me too.”

Jonathon’s face creased into a frown. Then the meaning of her words sunk in. “
Really?
Oh wow, Rosie! That’s awesome!” For a moment he stood gazing at her, a look of incredulous joy on his face. Seized by impulse, he leaned over and quickly kissed her cheek. “I’d give you a big hug,” he grinned awkwardly, “but I’d probably slop coffee all over you.”

Rosie felt herself reddening. Somehow she hadn’t been prepared for such an exuberant reaction. Now as her face grew warm, she could feel the tingle of Jonathon’s kiss on her skin.

Jonathon leaned closer again. “I wanted to ask you about things last night but you weren’t very with it.”

This reminder caused Rosie a twinge of embarrassment. She shrugged again and smiled. “I hardly remember you driving me home to be honest. I didn’t make a total idiot of myself, did I? It was all a bit mind-blowing, the thing with Amy. I didn’t know what’d hit me.”

Jonathon looked at her intently. Today his eyes seemed bluer and more piercing than ever. “No, Rosie. You weren’t an idiot at all. Sometimes when God does business with us, it
is
mind-blowing. I’ve been there a few times myself, believe me. But I’d rather have my mind blown by God than anything else. He knows what he’s doing, and he knows exactly what we need.”

As he spoke, Rosie was struck by the passion she saw in him. She’d seen it before, on those occasions in the past when he’d tried to talk to her about Jesus. None of it had made much sense to her back then. But today, for the first time, she began to understand it. This was what made him tick. Jonathon was a man on fire from the inside.

____________

The next day Rosie was interviewed by two women from Social Services. The following day Molly was not in school. Bev Carradine put Rosie in the picture. “She won’t be coming back to us for the rest of this term. Not sure what will happen in September, but they’ll inform us.”

Rosie felt sad. “I wish there was something more we could do to help her.”

Bev shook her head. “I’m afraid our bit’s done, Rosie. Molly’s safe now, and the police are on the case. Unless they need to speak to us, we can’t really get involved any further.”

That’s not strictly true,
thought Rosie as she lay on her bed later that evening. She might not be able to
see
Molly any more, but there was one thing she
could
do for her.

Father, please look after little Molly. Please take care of her. Watch over her and keep her safe. And one day, Lord, please let her come to know you as I’ve done. Let her know you as the God who sees everything. As the one who loves her enough to die for her. And heal her hurts, Lord. Heal her wounds. Amen.

____________

The journeys to and from school didn’t seem quite so painful now. Rosie’s heart still turned over every time she set eyes on Jonathon, yet somehow it was easier to bear now that God was in her heart too. Their topics of conversation varied little. Sunday service, Tuesday Bible study, Thursday prayer meeting. All they seemed to talk about these days was God or the latest church event. And Rosie loved it.

One day, as he drove her home from school, Jonathon smiled and shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re the same girl, Rosie. Listening to you talk, I can hardly believe the change in you.”

Rosie tried to look offended. “Not sure how I’m supposed to take that. Was I some kind of hideous reprobate or something?”

Jonathon gave a little laugh and shook his head again. “No, I didn’t mean that. I’m just so thrilled to see you like this. So – so
plugged in.
”

He looked genuinely delighted, and suddenly it pained Rosie to see him so happy on her account. If only things could have been different between them. She consoled herself with the thought that soon she would be free to move on.
A new life,
she told herself; and with God looking after her now, surely things would work out this time.

In the last week of term, however, she found herself in a dilemma. Bev Carradine summoned her to the office. “I’ve just had a call from Lydia Vardy. She won’t be coming back to us after all. Seems she got talking to someone from the Children’s Department on one of her hospital visits. There was a playworker’s post going, so Lydia applied. They’ve just rung to say she’s got the job. She starts in September.” Bev hesitated for a moment, then leaned over the desk. “How would you feel about staying on with us, Rosie? We’ve come to value you a great deal – and the kids love you. How would you like a permanent position at Paddock Hill?”

Rosie was taken aback. This was the last thing she’d been expecting. “I’m not sure what to say. I’d kinda planned on going back to London when I’d finished my stint here … guess this throws a different light on things.”

Bev nodded slowly. “I understand. Well, the offer’s there, Rosie. Do you want to think about it for a couple of weeks and let me know? It might be easier for you to make a decision once we break up. Whatever you decide to do, I just want to thank you for your input while you’ve been here.” She gave a knowing smile. “Some of it has been quite literally life-changing – for one little girl at least.”

Rosie stood up from her chair. “Thanks, I’ve loved working here. I’ll think about what you’ve said. Give me a fortnight. I’ll get back to you as soon as I’ve made up my mind.”

Her mind was pretty much made up already. In any other circumstances she’d have jumped at the opportunity. Paddock Hill was the ideal place of work. Great staff, great kids, beautiful setting. How could you improve on perfection? But the thought of seeing Jonathon day in, day out on a permanent basis was too much to contemplate. How would she cope on the inevitable day he announced his engagement to Lauren in front of the whole staff room? It didn’t bear thinking about. Rosie couldn’t bring herself to turn Bev’s offer down flat. But deep in her heart, she knew that staying on in Ridderch Standen wasn’t really an option any more.

____________

It was a beautiful sunny morning in the second week of the long summer break. Rosie had just made herself a coffee and was on her way upstairs to her room. She’d been thinking about Bev’s job offer again. She knew she needed to get back to her, but there seemed something so final about saying no.

Oh Lord, what do I do about this? Couldn’t you persuade Jonathon to move to Durham or Cornwall or wherever Lauren is these days? It would make life a whole lot easier for me.

Her prayer was interrupted by the sound of Ciaran calling to her. She turned to see him standing on the landing in front of his room. “Are you busy, Ros?” There was a sigh in his voice as he spoke.

“Not really. Just thinking about some stuff, that’s all.”

Ciaran nodded absently. “Just wondered if you fancied helping me.” He pushed open his bedroom door and pointed. “I’ve been looking through some of Beth’s things – y’know, all the stuff she brought up from London. Thought I’d go through it a bit at a time. See what I should keep … or if there’s anything I should give to other people.” He looked overwhelmed just thinking about it, and Rosie’s heart went out to him. He sighed again. “Some of this stuff I’ve never even seen before. Didn’t know she’d got it. Wondered if you wanted to help me for half an hour. We don’t have to do it for very long, but I guess I have to make a start sometime.”

Rosie couldn’t bring herself to say no. “Course I will. Lead the way.”

Ciaran had already pulled out several boxes from their hiding places, and across the room, through the open doors of a large built-in closet, Rosie could see a further pile of random paraphernalia. It seemed that something had been squeezed into every available crevice. She rolled her eyes. Working in half hour stretches this could take weeks. They decided to make a start on the books first. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, they took a box each and began to separate the books into piles.

“Wonder if Ed and Cassie might like some of these,” Ciaran ventured as he flicked through yet another dusty tome. “Can’t see me ever reading them, but I want everything to go to a good home, Ros.”

Rosie said nothing. Poor Ciaran. She doubted he’d be able to bring himself to throw away even so much as a dirty tissue that had belonged to Beth. Still, if sitting here sifting through stuff made him feel he was doing something, it was a worthwhile exercise. Certainly a step in the right direction.

It was well over half an hour later when Ciaran straightened up. “Well, I think that’s my box finished. I’ve found a couple of things Ben might be interested in.” He stood to his feet and walked over to the closet. Surveying its contents for a couple of moments, he shook his head. “Dunno what I’m gonna do with all this lot.” He reached into the closet and pulled out a small, battered suitcase.

Rosie gave a slight gasp. “Hey, wait a minute – I remember her
getting
that case! It’s from the bookshop at Applemarket. Remember when the two of us went for the day last October? The old guy gave it to her for nothing. Said she’d been his best customer all week.” Her mind was suddenly flooded with memories. It had been a wonderful, perfect day. Beth had been so happy; they both had. Could it really have been less than a year ago?

“Don’t know that there’s much in it, Ros. I seem to remember having a quick look when we first came up here.” Ciaran flicked the catches and opened the lid of the case. “Yeah, like I thought. Just some old music scores.” He put his hand inside and lifted out a pile of papers. Tossing them onto the bed, he suddenly frowned. Peeping out from between the sheets of music was a large brown envelope marked
‘PRIVATE’
. Curious, he picked it up and opened it. “Wonder what
this
could be.”