A Step In Time (19 page)

‘I don’t want a holiday,’ I hissed down the phone, the anger I felt at being caught out making me bold. ‘And I don’t want Matty. I want an audition.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Babs said. ‘I know.’

Her voice softened.

‘Listen, Amy. Don’t you think you’ll be better sticking to what you know? You can make a lot of money this way – endorsements and clothing lines and all that.’

‘Babs,’ I began. ‘I’m an actress …’

‘I’ve had a call from
Rosamund Street
,’ she said. ‘They’re interested …’

‘Stop,’ I said. ‘I loved
Turpin Road
but I don’t want to do another soap. I want to do something different. A new challenge. I want to make the most of everything I learned on
Turpin Road
and take on something new.’

I took a deep breath. If I didn’t tell her now, I’d never do it.

‘I want to do
Downton
,’ I said.

There was a pause.

‘Okaaaaay.’ Babs sounded doubtful. ‘Well, I’ll see what I can do. But I’m sure they’ll be more interested if you’re more high-profile.’

‘It doesn’t have to be
Downton
,’ I said, starting to backtrack. ‘Anything Sunday night drama-y. That army thing, maybe? Or a crime thing? What about that forensics one? That’s good.’

‘I’ll sort it,’ Babs said, in a tone that made me think she wouldn’t. ‘But you need to keep up your side of the bargain. I’ve spoken to Matty’s agent and he agrees you’re better together. You can do this, Amy. You know it makes sense.’

‘So what about Matty and me – do we get a say in this?’

The silence at the end of the phone told me we probably didn’t.

I sighed.

‘I was doing okay, you know?’ I said. ‘I like dancing, I’ve made new friends. Tonight was amazing. And I’ve learned that I’m fine on my own, Babs. I’m even finally getting over my bloody mother sodding off to Spain, finally. I’m okay.’

‘I know, darling,’ Babs said. ‘I know.’

‘Matty broke my heart,’ I said. ‘And it was horrible and awful, but I’m doing fine now. I don’t want to go back there, Babs.’

‘You’re so much stronger than you think you are, doll,’ Babs said softly. ‘Own this. Make it yours. Go into it with your eyes open and make it work the way you want it to work.’

I leaned against the wall, suddenly exhausted. I could hear the cheers of the audience in the studio and more than anything I wanted to be in there with Patrick, watching the dancing.

‘And you think it’ll help my career?’ I said.

‘I know it’ll help,’ Babs said. ‘If you do it on your own terms.’

‘What do you mean?’ I said.

‘Use him,’ she said bluntly. ‘Use Matty to keep your face in the magazines, then dump him when we don’t need him any more and make the most of that, too. This is just another step on your road to success, Amy.’

I shuddered.

‘That’s a terrible, terrible thing to do,’ I said.

‘It’s what Matty’s done up until now.’

She was right, even if it was hard to hear.

I took a breath.

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘If you honestly think this is the right thing to do then I’ll think about it.’ I was annoyed that she’d taken the shine off the perfect evening but, as ever, I didn’t tell her what I was honestly thinking. ‘Just get me a bloody audition.’

I jabbed my phone crossly and went to get changed. I hung up my dress sadly, hoping I’d get to wear it again one day. Then I headed off to find Cora. She and Natasha had press tickets so we were meeting them in the bar, which was in a huge marquee at the side of the studio. I spotted them at once. Cora was regaling half the room with a story about something or other, and illustrating it with dance steps every so often. Around her, the professional dancers and contestants alike were rapt.

I hung back and watched her for a while. She really was wonderful.

‘She’s great, huh?’ Patrick came up behind me.

‘Oh, she’s amazing,’ I said.

He threw his arm casually round my shoulder and I felt my heart begin to beat a bit faster. What was going on here?

‘So what about Matty turning up?’ he said, nudging me.

I made a face. I couldn’t bear to talk about it.

‘Babs says it’s all part of her plan,’ I said. ‘It’s a nightmare.’

Patrick turned his head and kissed my temple. Immediately my legs went to jelly. I was relieved he still had his arm round me because, if he hadn’t, I was sure I’d have fallen over. Oh, Amy, I thought. You really are in trouble.

‘It’ll all work out,’ he said. ‘You’ll see.’

I gave him a weak smile.

‘I bloody hope so,’ I said.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I was up and at Cora’s kitchen door bright and early the next morning. So early, she was still in her dressing gown, pottering around the room, with her white hair in a cloud around her head.

‘Amy, dear God,’ she said, as I rattled the handle impatiently, waiting for her to let me in. ‘What on earth are you doing here so early on a Sunday morning?’

‘I need to speak to you,’ I said. ‘I need advice.’

Cora gave me a sharp look.

‘Is it romantic advice?’ she said.

‘Yes,’ I wailed. ‘Please help me.’

‘I’m not the romantic type,’ she said. ‘And I’m not dressed.’

‘I’ll buy you breakfast,’ I said. ‘I’ll go now, and you can get dressed, and when I’m back with the food, we can eat and I’ll talk.’

Cora rolled her eyes.

‘Fine,’ she said. ‘But I’m not promising that I’ll be any use.’

Thrilled and relieved in equal measure, I dashed off to the nearby cafe to buy two bacon sandwiches on their amazing freshly baked bread, plus some pastries, and fruit, and everything I could think of that would make a tasty breakfast.

I arranged it all on Cora’s kitchen table, made some coffee and a pot of tea, then I sat and waited for her to appear.

She came down eventually, dressed in a white blouse and wide-legged black trousers. She’d done her hair and it was twisted into a knot on the back of her head, and she’d even put on some lipstick.

‘You’re so elegant,’ I sighed, looking at her with undisguised envy.

‘So are you,’ she said, pulling out a chair and sitting down. ‘When you want to be.’

I glanced down at my jeans and slouchy T-shirt and grinned.

‘This is my Sunday outfit,’ I said.

Cora raised an eyebrow, but her smile told me she wasn’t really disappointed in me.

We sat and ate for a while, savouring the salty bacon and soft white bread, then she wiped her mouth carefully.

‘So, tell me,’ she said. ‘What’s bothering you?’

I sighed dramatically.

‘Matty,’ I said. ‘He was there, you know, last night?’

‘I saw. And I saw how you reacted when you spotted him. You weren’t pleased to see him?’

I shook my head.

‘He’s a douchebag,’ I said. ‘If he wants me back then it’s going to take more than Babs nagging me and him dragging his sorry arse to a television studio.’

‘Do you want him back? Cora asked.

I paused, with my mug of coffee halfway to my mouth.

‘No,’ I said. ‘I don’t. But now Babs is saying we need him.’

Cora frowned.

‘And you listen to Babs because …?’

‘She’s my agent,’ I said. ‘She’s been really good to me over the years and I don’t want to lose her. She knows what she’s doing, Cora, and she’s really the only person I’ve got left.’

Cora looked disbelieving.

‘Well, that’s not true,’ she said. ‘I worked for an agent for several years, you know?’

‘I didn’t know that,’ I said, interested.

‘He was a theatrical agent at first – television wasn’t the big deal it is now, back then. He was brilliant at his job. He got my friend Audrey parts in all sorts of things – plays on the stage and on radio, a few films in the sixties, and when she’d all but given up acting, he was still trying to persuade her to go to auditions.’

I couldn’t imagine giving up acting. I said so and Cora smiled.

‘Life sometimes takes us down unexpected paths,’ she said. ‘Audrey discovered she loved teaching. So did I, in fact.’

‘You never missed performing?’ I asked.

Cora’s eyes misted over for a second.

‘At first,’ she admitted. ‘But I had a baby to look after, and that kept me very busy. It wasn’t easy doing everything on my own.’

Of course. I’d not put two and two together when she’d spoken about Donnie before but suddenly I realised she must have been pregnant with Natasha’s mum at the end of the war.

‘Donnie left you when you were pregnant?’ I said, aghast at the thought.

Cora nodded briskly.

‘He did,’ she said, pouring herself more coffee. ‘But we got along without him.’

She looked at me over the top of her mug.

‘So I know about agents,’ she said. ‘Even the very best ones – the brilliant ones, even, like my Mr Warner – are out for whatever they can get. This Babs might know what’s best for her coffers, but does she know what’s best for you?’

She had a point.

‘I keep thinking maybe I could just give it a go,’ I said. ‘Go along with Babs’s plans, get back with Matty. I miss acting, Cora. I’m an actress – even if I’ve not been doing much acting recently – and Babs seems to think if I can stay in the public eye, then I’ll get more auditions for serious acting jobs. So I can do all that, and if it doesn’t work out with Matty, then so what? By then I’ll be in
Downton
or
Mr Selfridge
or a pilot for a US drama. I’ll have got what I needed and no harm done.’

Cora nodded.

‘That’s good; you’re thinking practically,’ she said. ‘I’ve found it’s better to be ruled by your head and not your heart. There’s less chance of being caught out that way.’

I smiled at her, relieved she understood the way my mind was working on this issue.

‘That’s it exactly,’ I said. ‘Except there’s a tiny problem.’

Cora looked questioning.

I took a breath.

‘Patrick,’ I muttered.

‘What about him?’

‘Well,’ I said. ‘We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Rehearsing and watching old movies. He’s really funny, you know. And clever – he’s so clever. And I just like hanging out with him. Being with him …’

Cora tutted.

‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ she said. ‘You’ve bloody well fallen for him.’

‘Cora,’ I wailed. ‘I didn’t mean to. What am I going to do?’

‘Does he feel the same way?’

‘No,’ I said glumly. ‘I think he could have done, right at the beginning, but I was very adamant I didn’t want him to think of me like that.’

Cora tutted again.

‘He treats me like his sister,’ I explained. ‘He’s always wrestling me and getting me in a headlock. One day he’s going to scrub his knuckles on my head and call me buddy, I swear.’

‘Then you need to get over him,’ Cora said. ‘If it’s not happening, so be it. Move on. Move back to Matty, if you want. Find someone new. Don’t put your life on hold for a man.’

‘Is that what you did?’ I said softly. ‘Put your life on hold for Donnie?’

Cora looked cross and for a second I thought she wouldn’t answer. Then she looked past my shoulder, into the garden and I could see she was thinking about the question.

‘In a way,’ she said, ‘I suppose I did. But I wasn’t waiting for him to come back – I knew he wouldn’t do that. It was more that I’d been burned. I’d not had any doubts about him. Not one single misgiving. Audrey was sceptical at first, because she’d seen how badly her mum was treated by her dad, but Donnie had even won her over by the day we were supposed to get married.’

‘So you didn’t trust yourself?’ I said.

Cora nodded.

‘If I’d misjudged him so badly, then maybe I’d do it again,’ she said. ‘And of course I had Ginny to think about. I couldn’t get mixed up with the wrong man again. So it was easier to stay away.’

I reached across the table and took her hand.

‘We can find out what happened to him,’ I said. ‘Patrick’s a massive history geek. He’s desperate to find Donnie for you and he’s already started looking at some US Army records. Maybe we can track him down – he could even still be alive – and you can confront him. You could get some closure.’

‘That’s a horrible American word,’ Cora grumbled.

‘Do you want us to find him, Cora?’

She gripped my fingers tightly but she didn’t answer.

‘Cora,’ I said again. ‘Do you want us to look for Donnie?’

When she finally spoke, it was so quiet I had to strain to hear her.

‘Yes, please,’ she whispered. ‘Find Donnie.’

Chapter Thirty-Four

‘So now we know his name, and his rank and everything, it should be a piece of cake to track him down,’ Patrick said.

I handed him the piece of paper on which Cora had written Private Donald Jackson, 22
^nd
Armored Division and he nodded.

‘They were a liberating division,’ he said.

I stared at him blankly.

‘They were some of the troops that served in northern Europe right at the end of the war,’ Patrick explained patiently. ‘They liberated the concentration camps, some of them. They must have seen some dreadful things.’

I peered over his shoulder at the screen, but there were just rows and rows of names and I couldn’t make head nor tail of it.

‘Urgh, it’ll take ages to go through all this,’ I said. ‘We’ll never find him.’

Patrick grinned at me.

‘I love this stuff,’ he said. ‘If he’s there, I’ll find him.’

He shut the laptop with a snap.

‘But for now, we have to learn how to Charleston.’

I bounced up and down in excitement.

‘This is the dance I’ve been waiting for,’ I told him. ‘I can’t wait.’

We were dancing to a song from
Bugsy Malone
, which I was thrilled about.

‘This was the first play I ever did,’ I told Patrick, as he played the music. ‘It was the one that gave me the acting bug.’

‘And now you’ve got the dancing bug, too,’ he said.

I certainly had. I’d never imagined enjoying
Strictly Stars Dancing
as much as I did, but I loved everything about it and I was so excited about dancing the Charleston, which struck me as a very actor-y sort of a dance.

‘You should be good at this one,’ Patrick said. ‘It’s very showy.’