A Stray Drop of Blood (53 page)

Tears flooded her eyes, blurring his earnest image. “Why do you say these things to me? Why do you shift the balance of our friendship for something that cannot be?”

“
Perhaps because I cannot bear the thought of never acknowledging the purest emotion I have ever felt. And perhaps because I need to hear you say it in response.”

She shook her head, hoping to clear it of all that was happening. “I cannot. It shames me to feel things for you I never felt for my husband.”

“
But this is not shameful.” He moved a thumb to catch one of the tears that spilled over. “We have come to this love by doing things that are right. We have grown together, we have learned together. We have become equals that you and Jason could never be because of how your relationship began. There is no blame in that.”

Abigail sighed and averted her gaze, wondering at the trembling that began somewhere inside and worked its way toward her limbs. She realized with some surprise that it was terror. “No blame, perhaps, but much fear. How can I let myself feel this, when I know it will end only in loneliness and pain? We have no future, Titus. I know that. But losing you will hurt too badly if I let us explore these emotions.”

“
Must it?” His gaze was intense enough to make her question her own beliefs on the issue. “Must a relationship end in consummation in order for it to be worthy of pursuance? Can we not find something beautiful and fulfilling in each other that will remain with us for life, even though we cannot marry, or spend those lives together? Surely, Abigail, it is better to know fully what God has blessed us with here, so that we can thank him for it, than it would be to ignore it and never give voice to his amazing gift.”

A smile tugged at her lips, drying her eyes. “My friend, I know not whether you have just struck upon a profound truth or perhaps simply made the weaker argument the stronger with your rhetoric. Have you been reading Aristophanes?”

Titus laughed. “I have not.” Then he leaned over before she could anticipate his move and brushed his lips over hers lightly, tenderly. “Let us pray about this, Abigail. The Lord will guide us in the path we are meant to take. If you are right, and these feelings are best left forgotten, then he will help us forget them. But if I am right, and they are better explored, he will teach us how to strike the balance to make us both stronger and better for having felt them.”

She nodded, her lips burning from his gentle touch. “But until we hear his wisdom, it may be best if you do not kiss me again. It indicates that you already assume the answer and are hence not so open to the Lord’s will.”

His grin was teasing. “I am not assuming, Abigail. I am merely exercising faith.”

She shook her head at his logic, but still she had to smile. Cautiously, she reached out and let her fingertips rest against his cheek. “I do love you, Titus,” she said softly, knowing from the gleam in his eyes that he was glad to hear her say the words. “I am not sure what this love will do to me, but I will not deny it.”

Titus used the hand still buried in her hair to draw her closer, then rested his forehead on hers. “I will not hurt you. I give you my pledge to that, my love.” He closed his eyes. “Pray with me.”

She, too, closed her eyes. In the moment before he began to speak, she let the sensations register, the warmth from his close proximity, the scent of him, the feel of his skin under her fingers. In that heartbeat, she only wanted to draw closer, to put herself as close to him as was humanly possible. In that heartbeat, she was not so sure that keeping an emotional distance would be possible. She found her heart yearning with his that it be the Lord’s will that they feel this love.

“
Our hallowed Father,” Titus began in a low, warm voice whose quiet strains had no problem reaching her ear on their way to heaven, “guide us now as you have been doing for so long. You led us through darkness and pain, and now you have brought us to this new juncture. We praise you, Father, for your unfailing strength and wisdom. And now we ask you to hear this new plea and give us answer. You brought us together as your servants, my God, and you know these feelings that have arisen in our hearts. Help us to make the right decisions, to go through each day according to your will. Neither of us wants to hurt or be hurt, neither of us wants to do anything you would not have us do. Please give us your wisdom now, Father, and help us to handle ourselves righteously and blamelessly. We ask these things in the name of your Son.”

He fell silent without actually ending the prayer, as had become their habit. For the next minutes they sat still as they were, their hearts open to the movement of the Spirit, their minds sending unspoken thoughts to God. By the time Abigail opened her eyes, the familiar feeling of peace reigned inside, though she knew not what answer it was supposed to give. They shared a soft smile.

Titus eased away. “We shall keep praying. I imagine with something this important, our Lord may see fit to make us contemplate it a while without simply providing an answer.”

“
Perhaps.” She knew that she would be thinking about it, and that every thought would turn into prayer. But she also knew that the chill that crept in the moment he moved away was a rather strong answer in itself. A minute later she decided to retire instead of attempting another lesson, and Titus did not argue.

She made her way to her room with a heavy heart. And the question burdening it most was not just a query on the appropriateness of her feelings anymore. Now she was also wondering if God would let such strong emotions grow, only to forbid them expression.

~*~

Phillip stood in his usual position against the house, eyes flitting from where his mistress sat on a bench to where Samuel ran with a few servant boys in a game of chase. He surveyed every possible entrance to the gardens behind the house, listened to what may be coming from within.

Abigail turned her head to him with a smile. “What do you think of while you’re standing guard, Phillip?”

Never had he had a master who solicited his thoughts like she did daily. Learning how to answer had taken him a few days. “I keep my thoughts open, Mistress, so that I will notice all that is going on around us.”

Her smile turned almost sardonic. “I envy you the ability to do that. For as long as I can remember, my thoughts have run rampant whenever they may. I cannot seem to have a moment of rest without coming up with some new, often nagging contemplation.”

“
I have not the mind that you have. When you are teaching Samuel, I can see within you a deep wisdom, Mistress. But I was born to fight, not to think.”

Abigail reached to pick up the beads that Benjamin had just dropped, handing them back to the baby with a kiss on his downy head. “And I watch you as I am teaching Samuel, and I see a mind that grasps all I say. One can be an intelligent warrior, my friend, it is quite possible. My father, my husband were such men. Do not deny the capacity the Lord gave you just because you were taught to ignore it.”

Phillip felt a smile tugging on his mouth. She tended to have that effect on him, though he had practiced it rarely enough before meeting her. “Perhaps my lady simply finds gifts in those she meets that they themselves have never suspected.”

“
If so, then perhaps it is because those I meet have been trained not to give themselves credit where it is due.” She offered him a friendly grin. “Admit it, Phillip. You have followed my lessons well, even those I share with Titus.”

He had only had occasion to sit in on the latter once, but he could not deny her assertion. Everything she said, whether it be to the boy or the man, made perfect sense. He was still not certain if it was the material itself that was so reasonable or simply her way of putting it. He inclined his head in acquiescence.

“
And what do you think of the Law and the Prophets?” She turned slightly on her bench so that she could better look at him.

Phillip glanced at her again, then looked away to make sure that Samuel was not falling out of the tree he had begun to climb. Seeing that the child was doing well, he allowed himself to form a reply. “I think that this God of yours is thorough and just. I do not remember much of the gods of my people, but I know that those the Romans serve cannot boast the same authority. What I cannot reconcile is the mercy you speak of. How can the same being be both perfect justice and perfect mercy?”

She barely hesistated. “By providing the atonement. He will not deny the need for justice, but he will also recognize that those who are truly repentant should be granted another chance. By accepting sacrifice, be it in the traditional form of animals and grains or the ultimate one of his own son, the Lord fulfills his thirst for justice while still being merciful. In a way, by man recognizing his own sin, he can be free of it. It is the growth God is encouraging, the striving for excellence that comes of making a mistake, confessing and repenting of it, and going out to live more righteously. He wants his children to be with him, to commune with him. We cannot do that as sinners, though, so it is only through purifying our own hearts that we can achieve that union that both we and he yearn for.”

Phillip nodded but was saved from having to form an immediate opinion by the sound of footsteps inside. He recognized them immediately. “Titus is home.”

~*~

Titus strode outside, his eyes finding Abigail’s form. His burden felt solid and monumental in his hands.

“
Welcome home, my friend. How was your day?”

Titus grinned. “Fruitful. You will never believe it, Abigail, it is amazing. I was walking through the markets, and I came across a scribe I had bought manuscripts from before. He had somehow come across this.” He put the package into her arms. “He said he berated himself for buying it, for keeping it, because no one in Rome would ever buy it. It is as though our Lord led him to it just for our sakes.”

Expression intrigued, Abigail unwrapped the object, then stared at it a moment in absolute shock. “Is this–?”

“
The Holy Scriptures.” Titus had never had to battle the urge to dance as he did now. “It is in Hebrew, I cannot read it, but you can read it to us, Abigail. No more excuses for forgetting the details.”

Abigail laughed even as tears flooded her eyes. Setting the tome aside reverently, she leaped up and threw her arms around him, pressing her lips to his. “It is the best gift anyone has ever put in my hands, my love. We will learn it together. I know there is much I never committed to memory as I should have, much I have forgotten. I do not know how a copy of the texts ever made it into his hands, but we will cherish this unexpected blessing.”

“
Yes.” His heart galloped as she leaned up to kiss him again. Her lips lingered this time, and Titus felt all tension leaving his shoulders. His arms were loose around her, but she seemed perfectly content to stay within them. When she pulled her lips away, smiling, he smiled too. “I feel the need to point out that it was just
you
who kissed
me
, and that it was not therefore I that assumed any answers.”

Abigail laughed. “I feel at peace with it, too.”

“
As do I.” Titus released a contented sigh. “I know not how to explain it, but when I found the Scriptures, I felt it was my answer. I sought his word, and I found it. I pray I have not just read from this what I wished to.”

Abigail shook her head, eyes agleam. “I feel it too. I prayed for an answer I could not mistake. The Scriptures are the one thing in the world that I cannot deny.”

Titus was quite sure she had never been more beautiful than she was in that moment, as she gave him permission to love her. His heart, once a frozen block in his chest, was now so full and warm that he felt as though he might burst. “In that case.” He leaned down and captured her mouth again, kissing her deeply.

Phillip snagged his attention with a low warning. “Caius is coming.”

With reluctance, Titus pulled away. “I love you.” Abigail smiled a moment before his father appeared.

“
Titus. I need to speak with you.” With that he turned and strode away again.

Titus shook his head. The fact that he was amused instead of irritated was surely a testament to the humors of love. “The tyrant calls. I will see you in a few moments, dear one.”

Chapter Thirty-Six

Abigail got up to put the Scriptures back in a drawer for safe keeping. They had just put in two hours’ worth of study, as they had every evening for the past week. It was late, and they were both tired. But she knew they would not retire quite yet. First, they would spend a few minutes in each other’s arms, then say a prayer and go their own ways. When she turned back around, he held out an arm. She settled into his side on the chaise, and he kissed her temple tenderly.

“
You are so beautiful,” he whispered.

She smiled and turned her face up to his. “As are you.” His lips closed over hers. One of his hands moved to cup her face, the other rested lightly on her back. Her heart still pounded every time he kissed her, but at least she was in better control than the first time. Still, she soon pulled away and rested her head on his shoulder, relishing the feel of his arms around her. “It has been a good week.”

“
It has. Although sometimes it is hard to believe that until seven days ago I had never kissed you. I just feel so. . . at home with you, Abigail.”