A Wild Ride Through The Night (10 page)

‘This is a stone desert,’ the horse remarked. ‘You won’t find any cakes here.’

‘ To tell the truth,’ sighed Gustave, ‘I’d counted on spending the evening over a good dinner in the semi-civilised company of some lords and ladies. Roast goose and all the trimmings—something of that kind. Maybe a little background music for strings as well.’

‘I don’t go in for meat-eating, nor for decadent aristocrats, nor for the noises produced by horsehair scraping catgut,’ Pancho retorted. ‘Mind you, a nosebag of oats wouldn’t come amiss.’

They rode doggedly on, and Gustave noticed after they had gone a little way that the rocks were emitting a strange light. They glittered like certain crystals or metals, and the entire plain looked as if it had been dusted with silver. Before Gustave could broach the subject to Pancho, however, a rumbling sound filled the air. The huge boulders started to move and the hard ground trembled underfoot as it might have done in a moderate earthquake. Rolling around and piling up in defiance of every law of nature, the rocks formed themselves into sculptures resembling gigantic snowmen. Then they seemed to soften, liquefy like lava, and take on human form.

Faces appeared in the liquid rock; hands, legs and arms took shape; eyes protruded and teeth were bared; shaggy hair sprouted, thick and stiff as wire. Within moments, six huge figures were standing there. Uncouth, muscular giants, each of whom must have been three times the height of a man, they had wild, unkempt beards and were carrying axes and clubs in their mighty fists.

Gustave and Pancho froze. Of course! the barren plateau they were crossing could only be the Plain of the Terrible Titans!

‘I am Giant
Emashtimact
!’ boomed one of them, barring Pancho’s path.

‘I am Giant
Ogliboy
!’ called another.

‘I am Giant
Hyposhilop
!’

‘I am Giant
Somytrona
!’

‘I am Giant
Scisyhp
!’

‘And I am Giant
Elyogog
!’

The giants had surrounded Gustave and Pancho while introducing themselves.

It suddenly occurred to Gustave that he had to guess their names. ‘I’d completely forgotten,’ he thought. ‘Of course, it’s Task Number Three!’

The giants drew nearer, brandishing their weapons.

‘What do you want with us?’ Gustave asked, all innocent, while feverishly wondering how to get the better of these unmistakably stronger opponents.

‘You must guess our names!’ the giants called in unison.

‘That’s easy,’ Gustave replied. ‘Emashtimact, Ogliboy, Hyposhilop, Somytrona, Scisyhp, and Elyogog. You introduced yourselves just now.’

‘Damnation!’ swore Elyogog.

‘Hell!’ grumbled Emashtimact.

The six giants stood there for a moment, looking foolish and exchanging helpless glances. Then they put their heads together, muttering. At length they all shouted ‘Of course!’ and turned back to Gustave. Ogliboy elbowed his way to the fore.

‘Those, er, weren’t our real names,’ he announced. ‘They were, er, anagrams.’

‘Quite so, they were only anagrams,’ Emashtimact chimed in. ‘Not our
real
names.’

‘Our
real
names are quite different.’

All the giants nodded eagerly.

‘Anagrams?’ asked Gustave. He’d heard the word before, but he couldn’t immediately place it.

‘Anagrams are words in which the original letters have been rearranged,’ Pancho whispered. ‘These giants are intellectuals, I’m afraid.’

‘We certainly are,’ Ogliboy confirmed. ‘We’re scientists, in fact.’

Emashtimact kicked him hard on the shin.

‘You idiot!’ he hissed.

‘Aha!’ Pancho whispered. ‘Scientists! That was an unintentional tip. They aren’t just intellectuals, they’re
brainless
intellectuals.’

Gustave thought it over:
Rearranged letters … Scientists … Emashtimact, Ogliboy, Hyposhilop, Somytrona, Scisyhp, Elyogog. Hm …

‘May I ask questions?’ he enquired politely.

‘Yes, that’s part of the game,’ Hyposhilop replied.

‘Do you have to answer them truthfully?’

‘Yes, worse luck. But only with yes or no.’

‘Good,’ said Gustave. ‘First question: do you use instruments in your scientific work?’

‘Yes!’ Somytrona blurted out. ‘I, for example, use a huge telescope! I’ve been observing you through it for ages. We can see everything from our castle in the clouds,’ he added proudly, and levelled his huge forefinger at the fairy-tale building Gustave had spotted from the bottom of the valley. It had reappeared, curiously
enough,
complete with all its turrets and battlements, which were now only thinly wreathed in mist. But Gustave had no time to marvel.

‘Nothing escapes me!’ Somytrona boomed. ‘My telescope magnifies things a hundred billion times. I could even see an ant urinating on Saturn.’

‘
Are
there ants on Saturn?’

‘Of course,’ Somytrona replied, somewhat more affably now. ‘There are ants everywhere. Admittedly, the ones on Saturn have three heads and urinate mercury, but …’

A telescope. Scientists. Somytrona. Mostronya. Yanostrom. Somynator. Antymoros. Ramostony. Ostyomarn …

‘You own a telescope and observe the stars. Somytrona, your real name is
Astronomy
!’

‘Damnation!’ said Astronomy. The other giants shook their fists at him for being such a blabbermouth.

‘Now you,’ Gustave commanded sternly, pointing to Ogliboy.

Yolibog. Iblygoo. Loygibo …

‘You! Do you have a telescope too?’

‘No!’ Ogliboy said triumphantly. ‘I have a
microscope
!’

‘Shut up, you fool!’ bellowed the other giants. ‘You only need say yes or no.’

‘So you’ve got a microscope,’ Gustave reasoned. ‘Do you also use it to observe ants on Saturn?’

‘No! With my microscope I observe ants on the earth!’

‘Aha!’ said Gustave.
Possesses a microscope. Oiglybo. Boligoy. Ligoboy. Observes ants. Bygiloo. Loibygo. Ibogoyl …

‘Ogliboy, your name is
Biology
!’

‘Confound it!’ Biology exclaimed. He kicked the nearest rock so hard, it shattered into a thousand fragments.

‘You’re next!’ Gustave pointed to the strongest and dirtiest-looking giant.

‘Elyogog, you look the strongest—you’ve got the biggest calluses on your hands and the most dirt under your boots. Are your hands and feet your most important tools?’

‘Er, yes, as a matter of fact,’ Elyogog was compelled to admit.

‘Touché!’ Pancho said admiringly.

Oglygoe. Legoyog. Eglogoy …

‘Do you like grubbing around in the dirt?’

The giant blushed and bowed his head.

‘Yes,’ he said.

Likes grubbing around in the dirt. Yologeg. Oyglego. Golygoe …

‘And the dirt on your boots—you like walking. Do you get around a lot?’

‘Yes,’ muttered the giant.

Yogoleg. Gets around a lot. Goylego. Yelgogo. Olygoge …

‘Your name is
Geology
!’

‘Correct,’ growled Geology. The other giants booed him.

Gustave pointed to the next giant. He was beginning to like this game.

‘You, Emashtimact, what tools do you use?’

‘You’ll have to guess that yourself. I’m only answering yes or no.’

‘That’s right!’ cried the other giants. ‘You tell him!’

‘Aha,’ said Gustave. ‘You work in a logical way. Yours is a very exact science, am I right?’

‘Yes, correct.’

‘Good. Do you use a metronome?’

Emashtimact laughed. ‘Never!’

Metasmicath …

‘A sextant?’

‘Not that either.’

Mamethastic …

‘A Bunsen burner?’

‘Wrong again.’

Masthmacite …

‘How much is six hundred and twenty-four thousand five hundred and twenty-eight divided by two hundred and thirty-six?’

‘I’m not saying,’ Emashtimact retorted defiantly. ‘I only answer questions you can answer with a yes or a no.’

‘Hm,’ said Gustave. ‘Then answer me this:
Could
you tell me what six hundred and twenty-four thousand five hundred and twenty-eight divided by two hundred and thirty-six makes?’

‘Yes, of course,’ said Emashtimact.

‘Oh, no you couldn’t!’

‘Oh, yes I could!’

‘I don’t believe you,’ said Gustave. ‘No one could do a sum like that in their head.’

‘I don’t have to!’ cried the giant. ‘I’ve got my slide rule for that!’ Without thinking, he produced a wooden slide rule from his pocket and triumphantly brandished it aloft.

Stahimemtac. Ishmatectam. Tactamemish …

‘So you use a slide rule … Then your name is
Mathematics
.’

The giant hurled his instrument at the ground and stamped on it.

Gustave turned to the penultimate candidate.

‘Now for you, Hyposhilop.’

‘Take care, he’ll try to hoodwink you!’ chorused the other five giants.

‘Do you also use an instrument in your branch of learning?’ Gustave asked sharply.

‘No,’ Hyposhilop replied with a grin. ‘Mine doesn’t need any.’

‘Well said!’ cried the other giants. ‘That’s the spirit!’

A science that needs no instruments. Olyphoship. Hopyliposh. Polyshipho …

‘Why doesn’t it need any instruments?’

‘Because it deals with something no instrument can measure— whoops!’

Hyposhilop clapped a hand over his mouth as if the answer had already slipped out.

‘Careful, you fool!’ yelled the other giants.

A science dealing with something no instruments can measure. Hospophily. Shylopoiph. Phyloshoip. Sholopiphy …

‘Then your name is
Philosophy
,’ Gustave decided, ‘and you’re no smarter than the others.’

‘Hey, this is fun,’ Pancho whinnied. ‘Can I guess the last one?’

‘No!’ Gustave said sternly. ‘That’s my job.’

‘Hey, what about me?’ called Scisyhp. ‘You won’t catch
me
out with your trick questions! You’ll never guess
my
name!’

‘Oh, Scisyhp,’ Gustave said with a pitying smile. ‘I’d entirely forgotten about you. You’re far too easy, that’s why. I’ve no need to ask you any questions. Only seven letters, and you haven’t even taken the trouble to jumble them up properly, just turned them back to front. Your name is
Physics
, of course.’

‘ We told you so!’ growled the other giants. ‘You nitwit!’

Gustave was in the best of spirits. He had taken on six huge giants—scientists and intellectuals into the bargain—and defeated them in a battle of wits. Another of Death’s tasks had been completed. He tugged at the reins—Pancho reared up on his hind legs—and raised a hand in farewell.

‘Well, gentlemen, that’s it. I’ve guessed your names, so I’ll take my leave. Have a nice evening.’

He was about to steer Pancho between Mathematics and Biology when they closed up and barred his route.

‘One moment,’ said Mathematics.

‘What is it?’ Gustave said impatiently. ‘I’ve got other tasks to perform.’

‘Not so fast, my lad.’ There was a menacing undertone in Biology’s amiable voice. ‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’

‘Forgotten something?’ hissed Pancho. ‘Like what?’

‘What do you mean?’ Gustave demanded.

Astronomy cleared his throat.

‘We’ve been observing you all the time through my huge telescope, as I told you. To our dismay, we’ve discovered that you haven’t done your homework—in biology and astronomy, mathematics and physics, philosophy and geology.
That’s
what you’ve forgotten!’

The other giants grunted approvingly.

It was true: Gustave had recently got a little behindhand with his homework. He was normally a hard-working and ambitious pupil, however, so he felt no need to reproach himself on that score.

‘Well?’ he said.

‘Instead of doing your homework, you sit there and
scribble
,’ Mathematics said in accusing tones.

‘I don’t scribble,’ Gustave retorted defiantly, ‘I
draw
!’

‘Draw?’ exclaimed Biology. ‘You won’t get anywhere in life like that. Drum the rudiments of the monopodial ramifications of umbelliferous plants into your head, and you could go far.’

‘Precisely!’ said Mathematics. ‘The same goes for the binomial theorem. It’s an absolute must in everyday life, yet you waste your precious time on anatomical studies.’

‘I’m genuinely concerned,’ said Physics. ‘How can you possibly hope to lead a well-ordered life without knowing how to conduct an effective spectral analysis?’

‘I aim to earn my living as an artist,’ Gustave replied stoutly.

The giants pulled commiserating faces and nudged each other in the ribs.

‘The poor, deluded youth!’ Physics exclaimed.

Geology shook his head. ‘Just fancy, he proposes to go through life without knowing the difference between the Pleistocene, the Cretaceous and the Jurassic!’

‘He’d sooner
draw
!’ The giants roared with laughter until the ground shook. Gustave debated whether to spur Pancho into a gallop and make a dash for it, but he knew the giants would overhaul him within a few strides. Having recovered their breath, they looked down at him gravely and wagged their heads.