About the Boy (18 page)

The mayor frowned. “The Halloween carnival is a very popular activity, and folks from other towns usually patronize the carnival. It’s one of the biggest moneymakers of the year for the town, so we don’t want to scare people away, Katie, nor do we want to alarm anyone in town, but we do want folks to be sensible.”

“And careful,” Lucas added. He shuffled through his notes again. “My department is on top of this, and we’re investigating numerous leads, but until we catch whoever’s doing this, precautions are going to be necessary.”

“Lucas, do you want to write something up for the paper?” Katie asked, glancing up at him. “I can edit it and get it in when I turn the final blue lines in Saturday afternoon.”

“Actually, Katie, I was hoping you might be able to do it since you know so much more about writing and the town.” He smiled at her. “If I have to write it, the carnival might be over before I find the right words. That is,” he added softly, “if you don’t mind.”

She shook her head, refusing to let her gaze hold his. “No, of course not, that’s my job.” She grabbed her notepad and began making notes, not wanting to have to look directly at Lucas. It was too hard and too painful, and she didn’t want anyone else to know how deeply upset she really was. “I can get something together and have it put on the front page of the Halloween edition.” She glanced up. “Is that all right with everyone?” The group exchanged glances and nodded. “Fine, I’ll get right on it.”

“Now, I’m going to be gone for the weekend,” Lucas informed the group. “I was going to cancel, but the mayor insisted I go.”

“Senseless not to, Lucas,” the mayor said with a smile, giving him a pat on the shoulder. “You got an assistant chief and two full-time deputies on duty 24/7, so there’s no point in you canceling your plans. We can handle things here, can’t we, boys?” the mayor asked, looking directly at the assembled deputies, who all nodded. “So you go on and take those boys up to the cabin like you promised. I think if you canceled at this late date it would arouse suspicion and we don’t want to do that.”

“You’re right,” Lucas agreed with a nod. “But I’m only an hour and a phone call away,” he reminded everyone, glancing around the table. “So we’re agreed then that Katie will write up something for the newspaper—”

“Lucas, what about if I print extra copies of what I write up and ask the shops along Main Street to post them in their windows? That way, the notice can be out and up before the end of this weekend instead of waiting until next weekend when the Halloween issue comes out?”

The mayor and Lucas exchanged glances. “That’s a great idea, Katie,” Lucas said with a smile.

“I’ll get something written up before I go home tonight and drop it off with your assistant for your approval. Then I’ll have them printed and distributed before the weekend’s up. Is that acceptable to everyone?”

Lucas and the mayor nodded. “As long as you’re here, Katie, why don’t we just work on something now. That way I can give it to one of the boys to have printed up and distributed and it might save some time.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” the mayor agreed and Katie almost groaned. The last thing she wanted to do was sit in Lucas’s office and try to concentrate, especially with him hovering overhead.

The mayor pushed back from his chair, satisfied his portion of the meeting was finished. “So as long as everyone understands what they’re supposed to do and just what the situation is, I think I’ll let everyone else all go home to your dinner. Thanks for coming, especially on such short notice. And Katherine, thank you for your help.”

Dismissed, the mayor and Lucas’s deputies all but fled, leaving Katie and Lucas alone.

Nervous, and aware he was watching her, Katie absently flipped through her notebook looking for a blank page.

“Katie.”

Her hands froze and she looked up at him. “Yes?” she said in her best professional voice.

“How are you?” he asked quietly, aching to reach across the table to touch her. She looked so tired and weary, he wanted to just drag her into his arms and hold her.

“Busy,” she said coolly. “So I’d like to get this done as quickly as possible because I still have a lot of work to do today.”

He nodded. “Fine.” He glanced over at her notepad. “I noticed you started writing something while the mayor was still talking. Mind if I take a look?”

She pushed her notepad across the table from him. “Be my guest.”

He flipped a couple of pages and too late she realized the notes she’d been taking on his past, the information she’d been trying to assemble was all right there, in her notebook.

She knew the moment he found the information. He flipped a page over and saw his name at the top of a page.

Lucas’s hand stilled and his head came up slowly. “Have you been spying on me?” His voice was as cold as his eyes.

“No, Lucas, I wasn’t spying. It wasn’t like that.” Desperate, she dragged a hand through her hair as he began flipping through her notes on him. “Please, listen to me,” she demanded desperately. “I’ll admit I was trying to find out some information about your background, and your past, but not as a reporter, never as a reporter,” she assured him. “But as a woman. A woman who cares very much about you.” She hated the look in his eyes. It was as cold and sharp as an icicle and threatened to cut her to the quick.

Lucas slammed her notepad to the table. “Do you really expect me to believe that? Believe you?” His voice was so low and controlled it sent shivers racing through her. “You’re a reporter, Katie, remember? Everything is fodder for a hot story, isn’t it?” He pushed his chair back and stood up, stalking the office in a fury. “I trusted you, Katie, because you gave me your word. And you broke it. I should have known better. Once a reporter, always a reporter. You reporters think it’s perfectly acceptable to dig into people’s lives and pasts without regard for anyone else’s feelings or emotions. All you care about is your stories, your precious stories. I thought you were different, I thought I could trust you. Now I see how wrong I was.”

“No, Lucas, wait, it’s not like that.” She reached out to him, but he ignored her. “Please, listen to me.” Tears clogged her throat, her voice—the last thing she wanted to do was make the situation with him worse.

“Why? So you can tell me some more lies?” He turned to her, his face a frigid mask. “Drop off the information with my assistant when it’s finished,” he said. “I’m going to dinner. Shut the door on your way out.”

He stormed out of his office, leaving Katie stunned and staring after him.

Heartsick and not knowing what to do about it, Katie wrote up the short article reminding everyone to start locking their doors and windows, and dropped it off with Lucas’s assistant before finally going home.

She was both exhausted and heartsick, but she still had to make dinner, and help Rusty get packed for his trip.

Long after Rusty went to sleep she was still in her home office, working on edits, trying to concentrate.

Around eleven, unable to concentrate any longer, she pulled off her reading glasses, rubbed her eyes, then glanced out the window.

She jumped up the moment she spotted Lucas get out of his car. She didn’t know what he was doing here, but she was grateful. She wasn’t comfortable with the way things had ended in his office this afternoon. Not loving her or not wanting a relationship with her was one thing, but thinking she was unscrupulous was quite another. And she didn’t deserve it.

She hurried to the front door so the bell wouldn’t wake Rusty, and pulled it open just before Lucas reached for the bell.

“Hi,” she said quietly, drinking in the sight of him.

“Can we talk for a minute?” he asked and she nodded. His face was drawn and pale, and he looked awful. Her heart ached just looking at him and she simply wanted to pull him into her arms and comfort him.

“Would you like to come in?” she asked and he nodded, stepping through the door.

She pulled her robe tighter as she walked back to the family room, suddenly feeling self-conscious, which was ridiculous considering what had happened between them. But she wouldn’t think about that now, wouldn’t make any prejudgments about what he wanted to talk about. She’d simply listen.

“Can I get you anything?” she asked quietly, mindful that Rusty was sleeping just down the hall. He shook his head, but he didn’t sit, merely paced in front of her.

“I came to apologize for this afternoon. I was wrong, Katie, and I realize now that you had every right to know about the man who’s so involved in your son’s life. And in yours,” he added softly. “If the situation was reversed I’m sure I’d feel the same way. I don’t know how much you’ve discovered on your own—”

“Not much,” she said quietly. “All of your records have been sealed, Lucas. But I’m sure you’re aware of that.”

He nodded and continued pacing, slipping his trembling hands in his pockets. “That’s normal whenever there’s a murder involving a cop’s family.”

“Murder?” Shock had her all but gaping at him. Of all the things she’d imagined, this wasn’t one of them.

“Katie, I was a Chicago cop for seventeen years. I worked primarily undercover in the gang crimes unit. I was very close to bringing down a major gang leader who was responsible for bringing tons of drugs into the country, drugs that were flooding the streets of Chicago, hooking and killing our kids. I’d been working on this particular case for almost two years. I was married and had a son. His name was Todd and he was just a little bit older than Rusty is right now. My wife hated my work, hated that I was a cop. She wanted me to give it up and go into her father’s business. I refused.” He took a deep breath. “I won’t pretend my marriage was perfect. Far, far from it. And I don’t believe in divorce, especially when a child is involved, but my wife refused to have any more children as long as I was a cop. I refused to give up my career, so there you have it. A stalemate. Two people who were making each other seriously unhappy for no reason other than they both wanted their own way.”

Katie tucked her knees under her, suddenly cold as he continued to pace. She remembered the night he’d asked her about giving up her dreams. Now she understood what he meant. His wife had wanted him to give up his dream of being a cop.

“I’m sorry, Lucas,” she said quietly, not certain what else to say.

“A little over two years ago, unbeknownst to me, my cover was blown. The drug dealer I’d been after had a snitch, someone who also worked with the department and ratted me out. I didn’t know it until after…”

“After?” she prompted softly, seeing the pain and grief on his face.

“One morning, we all overslept. It was a bitterly cold Chicago day and my wife couldn’t get her car started to drive my son to school, so she took mine. The drug dealer had planted a bomb in my car, a bomb meant to kill me.” He couldn’t look at her. “It killed my wife and son instead.”

“Oh, God, Lucas.” She was on her feet, going to him, wrapping her arms around him, holding his stiff body. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Tears filled her eyes, spilled over. She couldn’t even begin to imagine the grief of losing both your spouse and your only child. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.”

He stepped back and away from her, holding up a shaky hand. “Katie, please let me finish or I might not be able to.”

She nodded and sat down again.

“The press had a field day. The murders of a cop’s family is big news. The entire police force was on the hunt for the killer, and of course each day every reporter in town was scratching for the latest tidbit or update of news. They hounded me and one day followed me and my partner to a stakeout and blew our cover. This reporter almost got my partner killed. I finally had to resign from the force just to get away from the reporters because I simply couldn’t be responsible for someone else’s life, not ever again. Can you understand, that?”

“Can I understand that you wanted, needed and deserved some peace to grieve for your family in private—of course. I understand that there would be a certain amount of guilt on your part, just like the guilt I had when Jed died. But, Lucas, you weren’t responsible. You didn’t plant that bomb.”

“The hell I wasn’t responsible. If I had given up the police force like my wife wanted she and my son would still be alive.”

“You don’t know that, Lucas. You can’t, not for sure. You can’t say what might have been. We can only live with what is, and I understand how you must have felt. Remember, I’ve been there. I lost my spouse, too. But Lucas, things happen that we have no control over. And we simply can’t take or accept responsibility for other people’s actions. We can only take and accept responsibility for our own.” Katie was quiet for a moment, her mind spinning to put the pieces together finally. “That’s why you hate reporters?” she said with a nod. “Now it makes sense. That’s why the first night we met you accused me of spying on you.”

“Yeah.” Lucas sighed and finally sank down into the recliner next to the fireplace. He didn’t trust himself to sit next to Katie, to be close to her, to smell her scent, her body heat, knowing he might not be able to control himself, and he had to hold onto his control. It was all he had left at this point.

“I’m sorry, Lucas, truly and deeply sorry. I can’t even imagine how you go on after losing a child.” She shook her head, blinked back tears, her own pain for him searing through her at the unimaginable loss.

His smile was raw, his face ravaged by grief. “You know, that’s the one question I got asked probably more than anything. How do you get up in the morning knowing you’ve lost a child?” He surged to his feet. “How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Do I tell people that losing your child is like having someone reach into your heart and rip it out? That the hole inside of you just seems to grow and fester until all you can feel is the pain and emptiness, each and every second of every day that you’re alive and your child isn’t. It’s a constant reminder that you’ve lost your child. That you’ll never see his face again. Or hear his laughter. Or throw a ball with him. Or hug him tight.” He had to swallow, the knot in his throat was the size of a baseball and almost choking him. “Do you know what’s it’s like to know your son will never see another birthday or Christmas or another first snow? How do you explain that to someone? How can you explain that you’ll never dance at your son’s wedding, or kiss your first grandchild? How can you explain the pain that comprises every second of your life, pain unlike anything anyone has ever experienced? Pain that there is no explanation for, and yet everyone expects you to just go on living, day by day as if you’re normal. Katie, I’ll never be normal again. Is that what I’m supposed to say? Hell, I just don’t know anymore. How the hell am I supposed to live with the guilt of knowing I’m responsible for my only son’s death? I’m alive and he’s not, and God, I’d trade places with him in an instant. If I could only have him back for just a few more moments.” His voice broke and he turned away from her trying to garner some control.