Absolute Mayhem (15 page)

So why do some of us girls feel the need to have
sex on camera with random guys – and it is a
need for some of us, beyond the money, beyond the
novelty, beyond the possible lack of alternatives? What's
wrong with this picture? Why would you need sex so
badly, or need to look good having on-camera sex
so badly, that you're willing to be branded as a porn star
for the rest of your life and have it colouring everything
you do whether you like it or not?

This relates to the 'lost girl' scenario that some writers
have noted, the theory that all porn stars are looking for
some kind of transcendence, in the same way that young
girls who go with older men are seeking out potential
father figures or the way nymphomaniacs crave sex as
a substitute for love or warmth or shelter. If you ask
me, being a porn star is a way of using sex to cauterise
our emotional wounds. It is sexual expression as a
form of self-actualisation, in order to elevate your own
self-worth.

I think that, for a lot of us girls, these sexual acts make
us feel worthy of something, in that our audience are
getting off on watching us have sex on camera, or even
that the guys we are fucking are getting off on fucking
us. And it's the knowledge that, somewhere out there,
someone is looking at us and admiring us for how beautiful
we appear to them and wishing they could have
us. It makes us feel wanted for a change, because most
of us, in our lives, have never felt wanted or admired
or adored. And I, most certainly, have never really
felt loved.

I still have issues relating to insecurity, self-esteem
and trust, all of which goes back to my messed-up
childhood. My enforced freedom at age 14 is very much
related to the way I've been drawn into a crazy vortex
that has defined my life to date. The freedom to live as
I please without catering to an abusive authority figure
is very much linked to the freedom to be a sexually
expressive person. I began thinking about this because,
when you become a famous person, there is such a
high price you have to pay, despite the many rewards
that come with public recognition, and it's even more
so when you're a celebrity in the world of adult
entertainment.

Being a porn star is the absolute furthest anyone
can go if you're wanting to be famous, that's for sure.
How could anyone challenge that? I'm always naked for
everyone to see. I do things for a living that most people
would consider extreme or outrageous. And it's easy
when you get used to it, believe it or not. People expect
you to be wild and crazy, which offers a built-in kind of
freedom. It's like you're being given permission to enact
your private wishes and secret fantasies, for the enjoyment
of people who all wish they could do the same
but can't. It also helps people like me who spent years
being relatively shy and straight-laced. When I got paid
to take off my clothes, it was like something in me was
finally set free.

Maybe porn is just an easy way for us to obtain those
feelings, even if we have to obtain them from strangers,
or even if it doesn't mean anything. That's why I appreciate
the fan mail I get, and I personally reply to as much
of it as I can. As long as it's not stalker mail or hate mail,
I'll generally always take the time to sit down and read
and reply. For us girls in porn, to even get so much as an
email saying how appreciated we are always puts a smile
on our faces.

And I do think about how the audience sees me,
believe it or not, even if I'm mostly performing for a
camera and never see the finished product for months
(if ever). This is mostly because I'm out dancing at
the clubs too, and I get to size up the crowd. In April
2008, I did a particularly memorable dance gig at a club
in Lancaster, California, out by the Mojave Desert. It
was actually a bikini bar but nobody told me, so I didn't
know there were restrictions on nudity. I promptly
took off my top in the first show and the crowd went
apeshit.

The management, predictably, were freaking out and
worrying they'd get busted by the cops. See, the cops
just love to 'randomly' show up at these places, especially
when a porn star is in the house (just to make sure
we're not doing anything we shouldn't be doing – and,
of course, they get to watch a hot performance at the
same time!). But nothing happened in the end, except
the Pavlovian reaction of the audience. There was definitely a sudden change in their mood, because they were
not expecting to see my titties at all. And when I showed
them, they all moved closer and started throwing more
money and screaming really loud.

In the clubs where I've danced fully nude, I've noticed
that the crowd tends to get closer to you and throw
down more money because they want to see you up
close and personal, fully naked. That's how most guys
want to see a porn star, after all. Especially if the girl
they've only desired from afar is suddenly right in front
of them. When they don't get to see everything, they are
somewhat disappointed – I can tell.

So how do we respond to this? By making ourselves
look the best we can. We may not want to fuck them
in person, but we're going to work at
looking
totally
fuckable. That's the whole idea!

On the most basic level, you invest in your body
as much as possible. Tanning, for instance, is a major
work issue for porn stars. Back in Manly, I had a natural
tan from being on the beach every morning (I have an
olive complexion and don't burn easily). This was great
for when I went clubbing in skimpy clothes, because it
made my body look good. Everywhere else, though, I've
used tanning beds a lot. When I see myself in pictures
with no tan, I think, 'God, I look sick!' But my dad told
me recently that I should stop tanning and, as much as
I hate to say it, he's right. I have a history of skin cancer
in my family and I should watch it. Some of the girls in
the industry really overdo it. I'll look at some of them
and I can't believe how dark they are for white girls. It
makes them look dirty.

I'm not a huge fan of tan lines on myself, but I had to
put up with them when I got my breasts done because
I couldn't tan my nipples. It was through my nipples
that the incisions for my enlargements were made, and
I was told that if I subsequently tanned them it would
cause deep scarring. My nipples were so sensitive afterwards
and it was really bad. For the first two months,
even putting a loose top over them would kill me. Their
sensitivity is back to normal now, but I still don't like
it when they are pinched or bitten. That kind of thing
doesn't fucking feel good to everybody, you know? I
don't mind my boobs being squeezed or slapped, just
not my nipples. I would never do it to a chick, unless
she asked me to. There are some guys, though, who like
it done to them – they totally get hard when you suck
on their nipples!

Aside from my breasts, I've had no other surgery
except for porcelain veneers on my teeth. I just wanted
a perfect smile. (No one even noticed. My dentist is
amazing!) Nose jobs, those I can understand. I hate one
side of my face when I'm being photographed, because
of a deviated septum from too much cocaine, but I'm
actually too scared to have that fixed. But some girls go
way too far with their Michael Jackson nose jobs (no
disrespect meant to the dead). I've seen lopsided boob
jobs, too many facial implants and overly puffed-up lips,
too much Botox and 50-kilogram girls getting liposuction.
By now, I have seen everything that porn has
done to the self-image of some girls.

Really, if you just exercise and eat right, and try not to
do the cocaine diet, your body will look fine. That's what
I tell myself, anyway.

If a new girl comes to me and says she wants boobs
like mine, I tell her to make sure she's doing it because
she feels inadequate without big boobs, not just for the
sake of making it in the business or for what she thinks
people want to see. You have to want bigger boobs
because you don't feel quite right without them, and
because you know it's going to help your self-esteem.
The really important thing, however, is to make sure
you pick the right surgeon and not just go to someone
cheap. As I always say to the new girls, 'Get recommendations
from girls with nice boob jobs and pay
the price!'

One thing I did think about was a certain phenomenon
that occurred not long after my arrival in Los
Angeles, when there was a lot of interest in a new medical
procedure called 'laser vaginal rejuvenation' in which
women were going to these plastic surgeons in Beverly
Hills to get their vaginas done. Some of them wanted
'porn-star vaginas' and were willing to pay thousands
of dollars to get their nether regions enhanced. We were
their role models!

In one sense, I don't think that's strange at all. If
women are looking at our pussies on-screen and think
that is normal and that is what guys want to see, then
why should they not want to be like that? However, what
they don't realise is that we are all completely different
down there, and guys all have different tastes in how they
like a pussy to look. So, really, there is no such thing as
a porn-star vagina. Women in general are not bloody
perfect, so I'm sorry, guys, but if you don't like how a
particular vagina looks then you may be gay! You don't
hear us talking about how guys should have surgery to
look a certain way, do you? Some girls don't like it when
a guy is not circumcised but, to me, as long as they keep
it clean and can stay hard, who really cares?

Saying that, my pussy is the part of my body that
makes me the most money, after all, and sometimes
I do get a little self-conscious about it. It isn't one of those
neat and petite ones. After all those years of on-camera
sex, I feel as if it's changed in appearance. My labia may
not be tiny, but at least I'm still tight down there, even
after all that sex. The only downside to that, as I've said,
is that big cocks really hurt me. It hurts inside too, and
that's why I try not to do too many scenes with hugely
hung guys. I'm in pain for days afterwards, especially
when I've been fucking for over an hour on some shoots.
I get so sore, and that really ruins it for me if I have to
shoot again in the next few days.

I do like to keep my pussy clean, and neat and tidy –
not because I want to hang it in an art gallery or
anything but because I know that some people will be
looking at it and analysing it. Beneath a video clip of
me for Babestv.com one time, one of the comments
said that my pussy was so ugly. That really hurt me. I
was devastated. I mean, how cruel, to write something
like that! But then I thought that the guy who wrote it
was probably so ugly himself that he had to put other
people down to make himself feel better. And he had
absolutely nothing better to do with his time, and he
probably never got laid. And that made me feel a little
better about it.

At any rate, when you're working in the adult-film
industry, your breasts and other body parts become your
lifeline. The sheer reality of this hits you in the face when
you're paid that most coveted of compliments – when
a company makes a deal with you to produce replicas
and you have to get moulds done of your body parts
(sometimes just your vaginal and anal regions) for your
sex doll. Yep, you get to enjoy getting all that stuff splattered
on you and then waiting for it to dry, so that your
fans can purchase these products in order to fuck you
by proxy. I've been moulded twice now, for my Monica
Mayhem love dolls, and it was quite fun, actually.

I have had two sex-toy contracts in my career, first
with Topco and then with Pipedream, and the latter were
responsible for generating some much-needed buzz for
me through their Monica Mayhem 'Saucy Aussie Collection'
of sex toys. What I got paid from Pipedream was ten
times more than what I got in five years from Topco.

The Pipedream deal was arranged by my manager,
Harry Weiss. I'd first connected with Harry around
2005 and was referred to him by Billy Glide, whom
I'd worked with many times. Harry got me some of
the bigger movies such as
Sacred Sin
and shoots with
Wicked Pictures. He's a big Jewish mensch with a good
heart, and was very easy to work with. He actually cared
about the performers, and he wouldn't get mad if you
didn't want to do something. You could talk to him
about anything. (As the years went by and more and
more agencies were popping up, however, Harry left the
business.)

At the time, thanks to Harry, all I had to do was
sign on the dotted line. I thought it was a pretty cool
idea to call it 'The Saucy Aussie Collection' and I was
very honoured to have my own line of toys as a way of
embracing the sexy Aussie in me.

When I got my mould done, it must have been a
turn-on for the guy that got to do it, since he had his
hands all over me. The guy had to do Sean Michaels, the
famous black stud, at the same time. I had to help keep
Sean hard with my hands while the guy was rubbing
plaster all over Sean's cock. Poor Sean couldn't switch off
the fact that some guy was rubbing his cock. Of course,
I liked it much better than Sean, although the hardest
part is where you have to sit still for a whole 20 minutes.
It's actually quite a nice, tingly, cold feeling, a bit of a
turn-on, and honestly I could have totally masturbated
if I didn't have to let the plaster dry!

When my line of toys came out in summer 2007,
I signed autographs for trade buyers at the Adult
Novelty Expo, which is all about sex toys. I also went to
Mexico to do promotional appearances for Pipedream,
and it was a real kick. Whereas mainstream models
have reached the pinnacle of their careers when they get
offered a perfume contract, we porn stars have achieved
the same when we get our toy contracts – your own
signature line of vibrators, dildos and other stuff.