Absolute Mayhem (19 page)

While it is true that some girls in this business will
fuck just about anyone, those are the very girls any
normal guy should avoid – for no other reason than
the fact that those girls are always the ones who end up
bringing sexually transmitted diseases into our circle,
because they're so reckless and don't use condoms.

Getting accosted is one of those things that becomes
an occupational hazard when you meet men at parties.
I've had to change my phone number numerous times
because of obsessed guys or because of people getting my
phone number from people I hardly know who then call
me up and try to ask me out. It's a pretty common practice
for girls in porn to change their mobile-phone numbers
every six months or so to avoid potential stalkers.

In general, the best thing to do if you're a porn star
is to use a separate email address from your regular
email and never give out your phone number unless
you want someone to call. There's no easy way to handle
these kinds of situations, and I find I just have to
compartmentalise my life. Yes, it will suck if, some day,
no guys will want to try hitting on me but right now I
just get creeped out when I see how desperate some guys
are. They'll see a porn star and drool like dogs on heat.

However, those guys usually make it easier for me to
spot the guys I do want to fuck – they're usually the quiet
ones who don't make it so obvious that they're looking
to get laid. Now that, to me, is way more of a turn-on
than some cocky bastard who thinks you're there for
the taking. Some guys do get nasty when you turn them
down, though, and they'll turn on you by saying things
like, 'You're just a fucking whore anyway!' They're just
hurt that I've rejected them, so I've learned to ignore
those kinds of insults.

The other problem that arises, particularly in my
case, is when I'm networking and talking business with
guys who may be able to help me in some way or other.
Sometimes, it's not easy to tell when they're serious
about working with me on something and when they're
just trying to date me. I've had crazy situations where
I've regretted giving my phone number to one of these
types, because they'll then keep calling or texting me
to go out with them. I end up not taking those calls
or screening my calls – because once you return their
call, there'll be no end to it. They'll keep bugging you to
'hang out' or 'meet for dinner'. This tends to happen quite
oft en to me because I'm trying to get a rock band together
and some music-business types can be so obnoxious.

My own love life hasn't been rosy. It's difficult maintaining
a normal personal life, even if you socialise
within your own work circle, like a lot of mainstream
Hollywood actors do. I've only actually dated one other
fully-fledged porn star and that didn't work too well at
all. I think it is partly to do with my own inability to
open up quickly. It usually takes me a good six months
to really give in and let go of my own emotions. Guys
also get very insecure with me, because I don't ever tell
them how I feel. I'm always afraid of falling in love and
then being left alone, which seems to be a recurring
pattern in my life. So I try to hold back.

Anyway, I don't like to date within the porn industry
any more because there's just too much drama – people
are always trying to hurt you by telling you things about
your man that you don't want to hear, especially right
before you're starting to shoot a scene, which really
messes up your mind.

Now, I keep things strictly on a professional level, so
that when I go to work I have no emotional attachments
to anyone I work with. You have to learn to separate love
and sex in this business (and the operative word there is
'learn') because a lot of people confuse the two. You can
fall in love so easily just by having sex with someone.
But they are two totally separate things. You can fall in
love with someone without having sex with them. I do
think, however, that good sex is key in a relationship. If
you don't have good sex, you're doomed to fail.

As for myself, I think I'm just scared of falling in love
and being hurt, and I get very depressed about this.
Again, it stems from my childhood issues of feeling
abandoned and neglected, so I put my guard up with
every guy I meet. I also know that my single biggest
problem is that I get bored easily. I've had so-called relationships
where I've dated guys and we didn't last three
days together.

I don't fully know why it seems so hard for me – I
see all these happy couples in the business and I think
I'm very sincere. Maybe I need to pick stronger men,
who are more emotionally secure. All the guys I meet
want to be famous too; they want to be the one in the
spotlight. I'm holding out for the right guy still, but as
of this writing he's nowhere in sight. (As a tip, if you've
got tattoos, piercings and a shaved head, that will tend
to boost your chances.)

As far as what I like in bed, well, I've had sex
with guys who can cum more than once or who can
hold it in, but, to me, when they hold it in too long
it seems to take them forever when I do want them
to cum. And that makes me feel inadequate. I like it
when the guy is so turned on that he wants to cum right
away. Feeling guys cumming is a huge turn-on for me,
as long as it's not within seconds of fucking me, or from
just getting a blow job. I'm really not a fan of 'marathon'
sex. I know a lot of guys think they're really good
for being able to have sex for long periods of time.
But, in reality, it gets old after a while, and girls get sore
down there.

Not only that, as I've mentioned earlier I have a hard
time cumming from just penetration, unless I'm in love
with the guy or he is just really good at staying hard
inside me while I grind on him long enough for me to
bring myself off . I do get pleasure from penetration; it's
just very hard for me to achieve orgasm this way. So,
realistically, long sessions of fucking do nothing for me.
I would rather a guy came quickly than have him trying
for hours to please me. But hey, if we were dating and still
getting to know each other, I'd say, 'Don't give up!' When
I am comfortable with a guy, the sex is different. It's just
those few awkward times in the beginning that go on too
long, where we're not connecting spiritually and sexually,
in which you might just become one of my 'once every
couple of months' type of guy. (Oh yes, I do have those.)

I don't tend to like it when guys get too attached to
me, though. I think I have some kind of attention-deficit
disorder, even when it involves sex! Poor guys – I have
to set them free. I think that makes me a really great
porn star, since having numerous partners is never a
problem for me – I like the freshness and the variety,
and I'm never one to complain when a hot new guy or
girl comes my way.

But if I am
seriously
dating someone, then the poor
guy just doesn't have a chance. Once I'm stuck on a guy, I
can't even look at someone else. That's the old-fashioned,
romantic side of me, I guess, which isn't always a good
thing. Maybe that's why I don't show that side of myself
very oft en, and why people tell me how cold I can be.

Often, I cringe when people show me genuine affection.
I never knew how to say those three deceptively
simple words, 'I love you', and I still don't. It's so hard
when you're not used to being loved or being hugged.

So, if you're a guy dating me, be prepared to be pushed
aside, especially at a red-carpet event or anywhere
where there are a lot of fans. You'll mostly have to stand
in the background and wait, because you're going to
have people grabbing me and pushing you aside, even if
it's just going out in clubs in Hollywood. That's how it's
been with every guy I've dated since becoming a porn
star. And that's another reason why it's been so difficult
for me to have a relationship, because most guys are so
insecure. They don't believe that I'm actually faithful
and loyal. They think I'm after every guy or something,
and they don't believe I can love them.

What usually happens is they either just leave me or
they cheat on me, thinking I'm doing it to them when
really that's just the way my career goes, since I'm always
having sex with other people.

Seriously, guys, try asking me out if you want to date
me and then remember this: every time I'm sucking on
some guy's cock and letting him spew his sperm all over
my face, I do it because that's what I do for work. Think
you can handle that? Yeah, right.

I've had my heart broken more than once this way, the
most recent case being over the rock star I was seeing on
and off for a few years. He lived in Montreal and was on
tour most of the time, but we had a very strong connection.
For so many reasons, he was the love of my life, my
soulmate, but so many things kept messing it up – and
a lot of that was to do with me being in porn. I'm not
one to give up that easily, but when things become too
painful it's easier just to walk away. I think now that our
relationship is, regrettably, finally over.

A graphologist who analysed my handwriting said
some interesting things about me that I thought were
quite accurate. She told me in her emailed analysis that
my handwriting belongs to a person who is

ambitious, strong, and energetic, but not grounded.
Someone who has plenty of drive, like a sense of mission,
and who also has a very clear sense of what money is
worth but somehow isn't grounded – meaning that
you tend to kind of space out a bit. You used to do that
a lot as a child, more than as a teenager, and you had a childhood
that was probably neglectful. From a young age, you
created a sort of bubble for yourself and lived in this private
space, like another universe. You used to live in a bubble and
you used to dream and kind of space out.

She also said that I am a very direct person who
doesn't hide behind mannerisms, and that I have good
observation skills and am good with small details,
though I sometimes lose track of the bigger picture.
I was stunned when I got that analysis, as it was all based
solely on my handwriting. I did live in a private bubble
when I was a kid, and, to some extent, I find myself still
doing that. The porn industry is a microcosm of really
unique and unusual proportions and we're all living out
little dreams through it.

And as for small details and the bigger picture?
Well, my memory for detail is quite astonishing. I can
remember obscure things about many movies I did and
even name the locations of certain shoots. There were
some still shoots that I did with Robbye Bentley in Simi
Valley, Southern California, back in 2001, for instance,
that I remember like it was yesterday. I can also look
at some of my old layouts and name the photographers
right away – Jay Allan, Hank Londoner and Scott St
James, in particular – and I can talk about strange or
funny things that happened there with blinding detail.

For example, there are some photos where the guy's
face isn't even in it but I know who he is – because I can
recognise his cock! There's one shot I really love, where
I'm on all fours looking lewdly at the camera while the
guy is spraying his sperm on my lower back, and only
his hand clutching his dripping cock can be seen. But
I recall not only who he was but also what else he did:
right after that, he leaned over and slurped up his own
cum off my back! That was pretty nasty. But then again,
at least it was his jizz and not some other guy's! (Although,
as I later found out, he likes to swing both ways.)

On the live internet show that I co-host every week
(
Smell My Finger
, on Rude TV), I recently played an
entire scene from one of my movies,
MILF-O-Maniacs 2
,
directed by Mark Stone for Wicked Pictures, shot in
November 2007, and I gave the audience an impromptu
running commentary, as if I was doing a voice-over
commentary for a DVD 'Bonus Features' section. The
scene featured me and Alex Sanders, and just watching
myself hold a certain position immediately brought back
what it was like when I was there. I could recall the pain
in my legs when Alex was fucking me doggie-style as
I kept one leg up on a narrow table that was more like
just a ledge. And when we did reverse-cowgirl, with me
standing over Alex but facing the camera, so you could
clearly see Alex's cock sliding in and out of my vagina
from a low angle, I spontaneously said, 'Now, that's really
good for cardio and it's a great leg workout too!' (Girls,
are you paying attention? That's what you can do the next
time you're too lazy to hit the gym!)

I also recall doing one of my favourite films,
Hysteria
,
and how I wanted to kill the director, Darren Kaye, for
making me masturbate throughout
every
scene in that
movie. I was so raw after half a day of shooting, and
I had to do it for two whole days. Masturbating was his
fetish, though, and we became good friends from that
movie and I forgave him. But I vowed never to do that
again. I do love to masturbate, but not to that extent –
I mean, that was over eight hours per day, which was
ridiculous. I love to do it in private, and during sex, and
on those live webcams – I like to watch guys jerk off
while I masturbate. If they've got their webcam trained
on their face, I ask them to move it down to their cock.
I especially love it in real life: if they can't make me cum,
then I make them watch while I make myself cum.

When it comes to moving beyond the details and
sizing up the big picture, I'm a different story. The
graphologist said that I tend to suffer from sudden
bouts of anxiety and I can be aggressive when I'm put
in charge of people – she says I shouldn't ever try to run
a company because I get too stressed out and I agonise
too much whenever I make a mistake. She added that
despite what I do for a living, I am actually a very private
person, which I think is true. I have a very strong sense
of my own privacy.