Acceptable Risk (34 page)

In the kitchen Kim busied herself with getting the rolls from the oven. From the parlor she heard continued laughter and loud, excited talk about building a science center with some of the billions they foresaw in their futures.

While she was transferring the rolls to a breadbasket, Kim sensed that someone had come into the kitchen behind her.

“I thought I’d offer to help,” François said.

Kim turned and glanced at the man, but then looked quickly away, surveying the kitchen. She made it seem as if she were thinking about what he could do. In reality the man disturbed her with his forwardness, and she was still uncomfortable from the episode in the parlor.

“I think everything is under control,” she said. “But thank you for asking.”

“May I fill my wineglass?” he asked. He already had his hand wrapped around the neck of the wine jug.

“Of course,” Kim said.

“I’d love to see some of the environs when the work calms down,” François said as he poured the wine. “Perhaps you could show me some of the sights. I hear Marblehead is charming.”

Kim hazarded another quick glance at François. As she expected, he was regarding her with his intense stare. When he caught her eye he smiled wryly, giving Kim the uncomfortable feeling that he was flirting with her. It also made her question what Edward had said to him about their relationship.

“Perhaps your family will be here by then,” Kim said. “Perhaps,” François answered.

After Kim finished her usual bedtime routine, she purposefully left her door completely ajar so that she could see into the half-bath the two bedrooms shared. Her intention was to stay awake to talk with Edward when he came back from the lab to sleep. Unfortunately she didn’t know what time that might be.

Sitting up comfortably against her pillows, Kim took Elizabeth’s diary off her night table and opened il to where she was currently reading. The diary hadn’t proven to be what she’d originally expected: except for the last entry it had been a disappointment. For the most part Elizabeth merely recorded the weather and what happened each day instead of expressing her thoughts, which Kim would have found much more interesting.

Despite her attempt to stay awake, Kim fell fast asleep around midnight with her bedside light still on. The next thing she was aware of was the sound of the toilet flushing. Opening her eyes, she could see Edward in the half-bath.

Kim rubbed her sleep-filled eyes and tried to concentrate on the clock. It was after one in the morning. With some effort she got herself out of bed and into her robe and slippers. Feeling a bit more awake, she padded into the half-bath. Edward was busy brushing his teeth.

Kim sat on the closed toilet seat and hugged her knees to her chest. Edward gave her a questioning look but didn’t say anything until he’d finished with his teeth.

“What on earth are you doing up at this hour?” Edward asked. He sounded concerned, not irritated.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Kim said. “I wanted to ask you if you really intend to take Ultra.”

“Sure do,” he said. “We’re all going to start in the morning. We set up a blind system so no one will know how much they are taking compared to the others. It was François’s idea.”

“Do you really think this is a wise move?”

“It’s probably the best idea I’ve had in ages,” Edward said. “It will undoubtedly speed up the whole drug-evaluation process and Stanton will be off my back.”

“But there must be a risk,” she said.

“Of course there is a risk,” Edward said. “There is always a risk, but I’m confident it is an acceptable risk. Ultra is not toxic, that we know for sure.”

“It makes me feel very nervous,” Kim said.

“Well, let me reassure you of one significant point,” Edward said. “I’m no martyr! In fact I’m basically a chicken. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t feel it was perfectly safe, nor would I allow the others. Besides, historically we’ll be in good company. Many of the greats in the history of medical research used themselves as the first experimental subjects.”

Kim raised her eyebrows questioningly. She wasn’t convinced.

“You’re just going to have to trust me,” Edward said. He vigorously washed his face, then began to towel it dry.

“I have another question,” Kim said. “What have you told people at the lab about me?”

Edward lowered the towel from his face and looked at Kim. “What are you talking about? Why would I be telling the people at the lab anything about you?”

“I mean about our relationship,” Kim said.

“I don’t recall specifically,” Edward said with a shrug. “I suppose I might have said you were my girlfriend.”

“Does that mean lover or does that mean friend?” Kim asked.

“What’s going on here?” Edward questioned with annoyance. “I haven’t divulged any personal secrets, if that’s what you are implying. I’ve never gone into intimate details with anyone about us. And why am I getting the third degree at one o’clock in the morning?”

“I’m sorry if you feel I’m interrogating you,” Kim said. “That wasn’t my intention. I was just curious what you’ve said, since we’re not married and I assume they’ve talked with you about their families.”

Kim had started to explain about François, but she’d thought better of it. At the moment Edward was too temperamental for such a conversation, with his fatigue and anxious preoccupation with Ultra. Besides, Kim was reluctant to cause any potential rift between him and François because she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure of what François’s intentions had been.

Kim stood up. “I hope I haven’t upset you,” she said. “I know how tired you must be. Good night.” She stepped from the bathroom and started toward her bed.

“Wait,” Edward called out. He emerged from the bathroom. “I’m overreacting again,” he said. “I’m sorry. Instead of making you feel badly I should be thanking you. I really appreciated your putting the dinner together. It was perfect and turned out to be a big hit with everyone. It was the kind of break we all needed.”

“I appreciate your saying something,” Kim said. “I have been trying to help. I think I know the pressure you’re under.”

“Well, it should get better with Stanton temporarily mollified,” Edward said. “Now I can concentrate on Ultra and Harvard.”

Edward’s recognition of Kim’s efforts at putting together the dinner on such short notice encouraged Kim to think that things would improve between herself and Edward. But it was not to be. During the week immediately after the Monday-night dinner, things seemed to get worse. In fact Kim did not see Edward at all. He’d come in late at night long after she’d gone to bed and would be up and out before she awoke. He made no effort to communicate with her at all even though she left numerous Post-It messages for him.

Even Buffer seemed to be nastier than usual. He appeared unexpectedly around dinnertime Wednesday night while Kim was preparing her food. He acted hungry, so Kim filled a dish with his food and extended it toward him, intending to put it on the floor. Buffer reacted by baring his teeth and snapping at her viciously. Kim put the food down the disposal.

With no contact whatsoever with anyone in the lab, Kim began to feel more estranged from what was happening in the compound than she had earlier in the month. She even began to feel lonely. To her surprise she started to look forward to returning to work the following week, a feeling she never expected to have. In fact, when she’d left work at the end of August, she’d thought returning to work would be difficult.

By Thursday, September 22, Kim was aware that she was feeling mildly depressed and the resulting anxiety scared her. She’d had a brush with depression in her sophomore year of college and the experience had left an enduring scar. Fearing that her symptoms might get worse, Kim called Alice McMurray, a therapist at MGH whom she’d seen a number of years previously. Alice graciously agreed to give up half her lunch hour the following day.

Friday morning Kim got up feeling a little better than she had on previous mornings. She guessed it was the excitement of having made plans to go into the city. Without her parking privileges at the MGH, she decided to take the train.

Kim arrived in Boston a little after eleven. With plenty of time to spare, she walked from North Station to the hospital. It was a pleasant fall day of intermittent clouds and sunshine. In contrast to Salem, the leaves on the city trees had yet to begin changing.

It felt good for Kim to be in the familiar hospital environment, especially when she ran into several colleagues who teased her about her tan. Alice’s office was in a professional building owned by the hospital corporation. Kim entered from the hall and found the reception desk deserted.

Almost immediately the inner door opened, and Alice appeared.

“Hi,” she said. “Come on in.” She motioned with her head toward the secretary’s desk. “Everyone is at lunch in case you were wondering.”

Alice’s office was simple but comfortable. There were four chairs and a coffee table grouped in the center of the room on an oriental rug. A small desk was against the wall. By the window stood a potted palm. On the walls were Impressionist prints and a few framed diplomas and licenses.

Alice was an ample-bodied woman whose compassionate manner radiated from her like a magnetic field. As Kim knew from Alice’s own admission, she had been fighting a weight problem all her life. Yet the struggle had added to Alice’s effectiveness by giving her extra sensitivity to other people’s problems.

“Well, what can I do for you?” Alice asked once they were seated.

Kim launched into an explanation of her current living situation. She tried to be honest and fully admitted her disappointment that things had not gone as she’d anticipated. As she spoke she began to hear herself assuming most of the blame. Alice heard it too.

“This is sounding like an old story,” Alice said in a nonjudgmental way. Alice then inquired about Edward’s personality and social skills.

Kim described Edward, and with the help of Alice’s presence, she immediately heard herself defending him.

“Do you think there is any resemblance between the relationship you had with your father and the relationship you have with Edward?” Alice asked.

Kim thought for a moment and then admitted her behavior in regard to the recent dinner party had suggested some analogy.

“It sounds to me that they are superficially quite similar,” Alice said. “I can remember your describing similar frustration about trying to please your father. Both of these men appear to have an overriding interest in their business agendas that supersedes their personal lives.”

“It’s temporary with Edward,” Kim said.

“Are you sure about that?” Alice questioned.

Kim thought for a moment before answering:’ ‘I guess you can never be sure about what another person is thinking."

“Precisely,” Alice said. “Who knows, Edward could be changing. Nevertheless, it sounds like Edward needs your social support and you are giving it. There’s nothing wrong with that except I sense that your needs aren’t currently being met.”

“That’s an understatement,” Kim admitted.

“You should be thinking about what is good for you and act accordingly,” Alice said. “I know that is easy to say and difficult to do. Your self-esteem is terrified to lose his love. At any rate at least give it serious thought.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t be living with Edward?” Kim asked.

“Absolutely not,” Alice said. “That’s not for me to say. Only you can say that. But as we discussed in the past, I think you should give thought to issues of codependency.”

“Do think there are codependent issues here?” Kim asked.

“I just would like it to enter into your thinking,” Alice said. “You know there is a tendency for people who were abused as children to re-create the circumstances of the abuse in their own domestic situations.”

“But you know I wasn’t abused,” Kim said.

“I know you weren’t abused in the general sense of the term,” Alice said. “But you didn’t have a good relationship with your father. Abuse can come in many different forms because of the vast difference in power between the parent and the child.”

“I see what you mean,” Kim said.

Alice leaned forward and put her hands on her knees. She smiled warmly. “It sounds to me like we have some things that we should talk about. Unfortunately our half hour is up. I wish I could give you more time, but on such short notice this is the best I can do. I hope I’ve at least got you thinking about your own needs.”

Kim got to her feet. Glancing at her watch, she was amazed at how quickly the time had gone. She thanked Alice profusely.

“How is your anxiety?” Alice asked. “I could give you a few Xanax if you think you might need it.”

Kim shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m okay,” she said. “Besides, I still have a couple of those you gave me years ago.”

“Call if you’d like to make a real appointment,” Alice said.

Kim assured her that she’d give her more notice in the future and then left. As she walked back to the train station, Kim thought about the short session she’d had. It had seemed she was just getting started when it was over. Yet Alice had given her a lot to think about, and that was precisely why Kim had wanted to see her.

As she rode back to Salem, Kim stared out the window and decided that she had to talk to Edward. She knew it would not be an easy task because such confrontations were extremely difficult for her. Besides, with the pressure Edward was under he was hardly in the mood for such emotionally laden issues like whether they should currently be living together. Yet she knew she had to have a conversation with him before things got worse.

Driving onto the compound, Kim glanced at the lab building and wished she had the assertiveness to go over there directly and demand to talk to Edward immediately. But she knew she couldn’t. In fact, she knew she couldn’t even talk to him even if he showed up at the cottage that afternoon unless he also did something to make her feel he was ready to talk. With a degree of resignation, Kim knew she’d have to wait for Edward.

But Kim did not see Edward Friday evening, nor all day Saturday. All she’d find was scant evidence that he came in sometime after midnight and left prior to sunrise. With the knowledge she had to talk to him hanging over her like a dark cloud, Kim’s anxiety gradually increased.