Actors Anonymous (18 page)

1
FART? How about SHIT on your face, you mealy-mouthed, sycophantic fucking pussy that kissed my ass every time I saw you? Were you one of the two fey blond dudes that sat in the corner while Manuel (the EIC as you like to call him) went off on his barely decipherable monologues about exactly NOTHING, revealing that all his loud talk is exactly that: a burst of ignorance and fury signifying that you all are full of shit.

Yeah, my ass would love to shit on you, especially because you begged me to have this fucking picture taken that wasn’t my idea in the first place. Here’s the goddamn email one of you sent when you thought that the shoot might not happen:

Hello,

I’m a bit confused by all this chaos. I think that Brad’s [the photographer] references were beautiful. Marina Abromavić is one of the world’s most beautiful artists, and I think that a piece that references that should be quite good. Brad is one of my favorite artists, and has been for quite some time. I think that Brad’s artwork is extremely, extremely successful from a critical and art historic standpoint. It is also very successful from a viewer’s standpoint. I would hate to see what began as a collaboration between
The Actor
and Brad (Brad was the artist that James was most excited to work with in the original meeting, and I felt it was an excellent choice) turn into something that is lessened in any way for any reason. I think Brad’s artwork is powerful, humorous, wonderful. I want this work in our fucking magazine.

If we can figure out a way to get Brad and
The Actor
together, I’m certain that we can work on it in a way that is befitting to
The Actor’s
idea of collaboration, and to make him comfortable in every way, and to allow him a piece of artwork that he can be extremely proud of, happy with, excited about—the ideas that arise, the open-endedness, the passion of the work, the thrill behind the piece, the celebration that it is, the artists that it evokes (Warhol, Abromavić, Mapplethorpe). It is
The Actor’s
piece as well as Brad’s and I think that that is a beautiful thing, because we all know that both of them can push each other beyond their comfort zones, and that’s where the best work comes from! I know Brad felt very strongly about the piece, as we spoke on the phone about it being a conduit and an announcement of bigger plans and collaborations between Brad and James.

I have worked on covers with Richard Prince, Dan Colen, Terence Koh. I have worked with Mike Kelley, John Baldessari, Aaron Young… and
this
is the piece I am most excited about in the history of my entire career, as it is an extremely unlikely and awesome collaboration. I can imagine a very gallery (museum?) worthy piece, and I’d love to make this happen, from the perspective of a deep lover of contemporary art.

Love,
S.

2
It’s not relevant because you’re a fucking pussy who for some reason wants to vent about me. But it’s fine, actually, it’s nice to be disliked by a gaudy, tasteless, and obnoxious magazine like
Sass;
in fact, I prefer it. We tried to walk away so many times, motherfucker, and you are the desperate fucks that hung on. Let’s read your side of the story and I’ll chime in, okay piggy wiggly?

3
USUAL? What does that mean? I’m a great collaborator, so I don’t know what you mean by USUAL? Have we ever worked together before? NO, and other people that work with me are very happy to work with me. Maybe you mean, it was
UN
USUAL, but necessary when I found out I was working with a bunch of tacky fucks that wanted nothing more than to get photos of me with my clothes off? And if anyone uses the word USUAL, it should be in this context, “as USUAL,
Sass
tried to get their male subject to take his clothes off for a bunch of boring and gratuitous photos.”

4
OFF THE BACKLOT? Hmm, I guess, we tried to give you what YOU asked for, a shoot with a beatnik flair, that was YOUR fucking idea. And if anything, the beatnik inspiration photos you showed me were rougher and more “off the backlot” feeling than anything I sent to you.

5
I didn’t ask for two covers! That was
Sass
’s fucking idea. It didn’t make any sense to me either. They wanted a regular cover and an ART cover. So don’t act like I’m some big egotist that demands more than one cover, it had nothing to do with me, shitbag. Why not make some comments that have validity, you anonymous fuck face?

6
WHAT’s your point here?

7
Um, no. That’s not where it started. It started two years before with Manuel begging me to do the magazine and asking me to do the magazine every time he saw me over those two years, and my publicist, Cammie Dent, denying him because she thought the magazine was cheesy and that the editors were bad people. I wasn’t sure why she thought this, but now I know. When Manuel called me while I was on a road trip he said, “Yesh, this vill be amazing, babee, amazing! We’ll uze ur art, and you can write, and ve can do vatever you vant. It vill be super cool. And it doesn’t need to be sexual, or anything, you already did that vif
SEXXX Magazine,
we can do something classy, you know?” I agreed to this, little did I know that it was mostly bullshit. I guess Cammie was right to steer me away from you fucks.

8
I wonder why you turned down Simon and asked for Tim? Maybe because you know he’d want to shoot me naked? NAKED, and go against what Manuel had said before. I have no problem with nudity, and in fact I did do another shoot with Simon A. Cramp that I was happy to go completely naked for, because he is classy and is a friend and not a fucking vampire pervert like the
Sass
editors.

And don’t act like you were excited about the Simon Cramp idea, you passed over him like soggy cereal, when actually Simon was the fresher idea. Sorry, Tim has shot tons of magazines, how fresh was that shoot going to be?

9
Yeah, I did say sure. Brad is a friend and I like Tim’s work. But the plan was that I would collaborate. That was the concept, BEFORE anyone else was hired. So, if Tim didn’t like that idea, he shouldn’t have accepted the job. Brad was fine with the idea.

10
MIGHT have been? Um, no,
definitely,
shitbag.

11
Sorry, this is false, you fucking slimeball. It was not a miscommunication,
what happened is that Manuel, the EIC, called me himself and said, “Tim said he wants to do you nude.”

“Why?”

“Because he said it’s the great next step for you.” (This is the supposedly brilliant idea that every photographer has about me now. As if this most glorious light bulb went off in their amazingly artistic brains alone, and they thought, “Yes, an actor NAKED, that would be so cutting edge and artistic.” Now I know how every actress feels when she has to deal with perverted producers and filmmakers who try to convince her a topless scene is essential to the artistry of the film).

“You said no nudity, Manuel.”

“Yes, but it’s Tim’s idea. He said that if he has to do your idea of collaboration, then you need to do his idea.”

[Yelling]
“Then fire his fucking ass. Collaboration was part of the fucking package, if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.”

“Wait, my friend, chill out, dude.”

Also, the representative you speak about tried to communicate with Manuel, who yelled like a baby and cursed him out. So, if there was any miscommunication, it was due to Manuel’s tantrums, not mine. At least when I yell, people can understand me.

12
I got rid of Tim because Manuel was using him as an excuse to get me nude. He then came to me with the Simon Cramp idea but he was too late, I shot with Simon for
W.
A GREAT shoot by the way. The
Craaazy Magazine
shoot was eight months old, but also great.

13
Barry told you fucks repeatedly that we wanted to pull out of the project and you wouldn’t let it go. If anything you painted yourself into a corner by not letting me walk while you still had time to get a new cover subject. I really wanted out.

14
Duh? Why would I want you or your photographers around when I realize you’re after one thing, and after I told you I didn’t want to do the magazine? If you weren’t okay with this situation why didn’t you just drop me? I was willing to work with other photographers, but you rejected them. You’re the ones that wanted me to use my collaborator, Brandy. She tried to give you your beatnik idea, and I think she did it well.

15
Bruce loved the show. He didn’t shut it down, not even close. What are your sources, dumbass? Bruce’s studio got flooded, that’s why we closed, bitch. And what do my films or
Soap Opera
have to do with this story anyway?

16
Yeah, it’s called ____ , motherfucker. And I’m in the PhD program, so I don’t pay, they pay me. But I happily donate the money back so other students can benefit. Are you trying to denigrate my schooling? Because I don’t see your point here. Yes, it does require weekly attendance. What do you do all week? Eat donuts and watch porn? Your writing shows it.

HERE’s the write-up YOU asked for:

The Actor
studied literature and creative writing at ____ with M___ S______ and C__ B______ , and has MFAs from _______ University, ___ ____ University, and ________ College, where he studied with A__ H_____. His stories have also appeared in
Esquire
, and his collection ________ was published by ________ in 20__. He is now working on his PhD in literature at ____ , a MFA in digital media at _____ , and recently wrote and directed a film about the poet _____________ called ________________.

17
This sentence and metaphor are fucking retarded.

18
Yeah, it was the way Bannerson put it, that he was putting himself out by collaborating with me so I needed to do something for him. As if I was getting the privilege of working with him. It wasn’t about the nudity, dumbass.

19
Cute.

20
Then shut up, you fucking idiot. I was happy to collaborate, but not with people whose ideas suck.

21
You weren’t played, Manuel, I tried to get out of this story so many times. You kept me in. I would be happy to have you at the shoot, where there was plenty of nudity, but not if you try to impose your perverted sensibilities on it.