Actors Anonymous (33 page)

“Oh, fuck.”

“It was just water in the syringe, just to make it look like heroin, but his dick got infected and had to get cut off. Now, the treatment center is suing the school.”

“That’s fucked, man, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever. Stupid fucking kids. And yesterday, I had to hear from about five of them that I look like Norman Bates. These morons haven’t seen a movie made before 1999, and then spring semester, Richard always shows them
Psycho,
so I have to hear it every year, like they’ve made some great fucking discovery. Okay, I look like Anthony Perkins, big whoop, blame my fucking dad.”

“Sorry, man,” said Marc. Ty was always complaining, and it was best to cut to the chase with him or he’d go on forever. “Listen, I have a job for you. I want you to hack into someone’s email.”

“Oh shit, illegal shit from the big producer. How about giving me a real job, like editing a studio movie?”

“I’m working on it, but do this thing for me, okay?” Marc told him the situation.

“Whoa,
The Actor
?” Ty said “That fucking guy went through the treatment center over here. Weird dude. Quiet. I’d always see him across the fence, standing alone in the courtyard like he was a junkie Jimmy Dean. I never heard him say anything, but I am almost positive he fucked a couple of the students. It was a pretty big deal when he was there. Everyone tried to keep it quiet, but all the students knew…”

“Okay, okay, what I’m interested in is any emails that are to or from his father, about his father, or the death of his father. Will you find me anything on that?”

The rest of the day passed without Marc hearing anything from Ty. That night, after work finished, Marc went to Cent’s trailer where she was changing out of her teenager character clothes into her teenager real clothes. Usually Marc wouldn’t be anywhere near her trailer if she were changing, but things were getting desperate. And then, before he could say anything, she told Marc that she was not feeling up to staying at his place again.

“Oh, what the fuck?” he said.

“What? What is your problem, Marc? I’m not your wife! Or your daughter! I just want to stay at home tonight, okay?”

“To what? Cuddle up with those sketches?”

“Are you serious? What is it with you guys? You can’t get over the fact that I like
The Actor’s
sketches?”

“They’re dangerous, Cent! They’re dangerous! You don’t know what you’re dealing with! And wait, what do you mean, ‘you
guys
’? Did you show them to someone else?”

“I showed them to Zack, and he got all weird about them too. He said they were terrible, but it was like he was jealous or something.”

“You showed them to Zack? Fucking great!”

“What?”

“Why are you showing that idiot anything? He’s an idiot!”

“Oh, God, I don’t want to get into another thing about Zack.”

“What do you mean, ‘another thing about Zack’?”

“Nothing, this is stupid. You just get all uptight when I talk about Zack, just like you’re doing with these drawings. I don’t know what your problem is. It’s like you think I’m cheating on you or something, and I’m not. This is stupid. I’m going home.”

“Cent, you don’t know what these drawings are.”

But Cent was already leaving.

Something came over Marc. He grabbed the sketchbook from her
hands and started ripping the pages. She screamed and tried to take it back. The sketches fell on the ground and Marc started stomping on them like they were roaches.

“Stop it! Stop it, Marc!”

Finally, she slapped him. He slapped her back, and the struggled ended. Cent was crying as she picked up the torn sketches and got into her car.

That night Marc called Cent five times, but she didn’t answer. He rented one of
The Actor’s
films. It was a weird movie, almost a comedy, about heroin.
The Actor
wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t good. Just a handsome sensitive guy without any backbone.

At 1 a.m., Ty sent him an email:

I did it. His password turned out to be “mock-me.” I figured he must be really insecure, so… Anyway, there was not much stuff on his father, but the following two letters were written last December. They were the last two in his box. After January it seems like he didn’t write anything. I don’t know if he’s dead or what? Here you go, I hope it helps,

Ty

12/31/xx—11:30 p.m.

Dad,

I am sorry for how my trip ended. I did not enjoy leaving like that, I was angry and I didn’t want to say anything that I would later regret.

I am sorry if I embarrassed you at the dinner. Of course it was not my intention to do so. I agree that the dinner was awkward,
and I apologize for my contribution to that awkwardness. But I am still unsure about what I did. You said I acted like a dope. I suppose that means that I was not engaging or talkative. If that is so, I agree; I was not talkative, because I was uncomfortable. I did not know those people, and I was immediately introduced to the director and producer of the play (I think they were the director and the producer, I still don’t know), which made me think that there had been some planning for the get-together of which I had not been made aware. Because they were show business people, it made me think that I was expected to talk about show business.

I like to go to Palo Alto because I can relax. I did not feel relaxed at that dinner. If you want to spend one of the few nights I have with the family out with your boss, that is fine, but please don’t expect me to be the life of the party. I am not that kind of person, and I usually don’t like to discuss my work, especially with a whole table of strangers.

And if it has to do with my level of enthusiasm rather than the amount that I spoke, you’re right, I was not very enthusiastic. One of the nice things about coming to Palo Alto is that I get to spend time with the family, and I don’t feel any pressure to be anything other than a family member. I am happy to spend time with your friends, and maybe it would be a good thing, but I can’t help but feel like there was a spotlight on me that night. It was
not
just a friendly dinner; there was pressure to “perform.” To tell stories about movies, or, if I was not expected to talk, I was expected to be interested in what the director and the producer had to say. I am interested in what they had to say. I think that the play was very good, and I was not lying when I said it was the best play I had seen in
the Bay Area. But, because I felt like there had been planning done without my being made aware, I shut down. I was just uncomfortable. I didn’t try to be rude, or show anyone that I was uncomfortable, I just tried to get through the dinner as best as I could. If there had been no expectations of me, I think my conduct would have been fine. The fact that we are talking about this and that I am being singled out shows me that there was some expectation put on me.

I was not excited about this dinner. The first I heard about it was the night before. I wish you had told me that it was an important dinner for you. I am still not sure if it was. At first you said that “you didn’t mind playing the fool,” but when the person you have to work with every day is there, it is embarrassing. That sounds to me like your business was involved. Of course I don’t want to hurt your business, and I would love to help in any way that I can, but I like to be informed when I am doing so. Like with the premiere. Those tickets were very valuable, not only because the movie had a lot of interest, but also because it was a charity. I think the tickets ran from $300 to $1,000. I had many friends that I could not invite. When I saw that you had put your partner and his wife on the list, without even asking me, I questioned it. I was told that it was important for your job that they come, so I allowed it. That is something that I am happy to do, but you didn’t even ask me, you just slipped them in. That is how this dinner felt, that something was being set up without asking me.

If I am completely off base, I am sorry. If your only complaints are the two that you mentioned—that I said “bad meat,” and that I didn’t sign an autograph—then I think this situation has been blown out of proportion. I absolutely meant
nothing about her cooking when I said “bad meat.” She said that she cooked the apples in honor of
Apple Train,
and then Ryan said, “Do you have any
Coffee
?” So I jumped in and said “bad meat,” for no other reason than it was a bad joke on the title of Ryan’s movie. I was just being a stupid older brother, I hadn’t even tried the meat. Maybe it was ill-timed, but I am sure that we are all guilty of a badly timed joke. And I absolutely meant nothing by it, I don’t know how you could think that I did, my manners are not so bad that I would insult anyone’s cooking. Or maybe, as you said, she was already feeling insecure, which gave the comment more significance than it should have had. Why she might be feeling insecure at that point, I don’t know, unless I was supposed to be behaving in some manner other than I had been. Up to that point I was fairly quiet, but I had not said anything that could even be considered rude. So I am not sure why she was insecure, unless she was expecting more enthusiasm from me for some reason. If the stupid joke, that had absolutely no significance as far as her cooking went (it was
good
meat), was ill-timed or unnecessary, I am sorry for that. But I don’t think it was so heinous as to ruin a whole meal, which makes me think that something else had already ruined the meal.

If the complaint against me is that I didn’t sign an autograph, then that is another gross misunderstanding. I sign autographs for anyone! I never refuse, unless I am being rushed into a premiere. I would have been happy to have signed
ten
for her. She never asked! She put a card with a bunch of celebrities’ signatures in front of me and asked me to identify them! If that was my cue to offer my own signature, then I didn’t catch it. Maybe I didn’t feel worthy to sign next to
Warren Beatty or Russell Crowe. I never presume that anyone wants my autograph. If that is what she wanted, and you saw that she was too scared to ask, then you could have easily spoken up. For the record, I am always willing to sign autographs for any friends. I think I even signed stuff for charity drives for their theater in the past!

You said that it was my responsibility to talk to you about the dinner if I was feeling uncomfortable about it. I am not sure about that. I think it was your plan, and you were the one that had expectations. I am an adult now; if you want me to behave like an adult at your partner’s house, then tell me what the situation is. Don’t just drag me along and expect me to behave in a certain way. And frankly, I
hate
dinners. I just don’t like having them, especially with strangers. Believe me, I get asked all the time, but I don’t like to go, even with people that I
am
interested in. But I would be willing to go for you, if you told me it was important. You said you tried to talk to me in the bookstore, but you didn’t ask me about the dinner, you asked me what I was reading lately. Regardless, I will go to you in the future and try to discuss anything that sounds uncomfortable to me.

As far as your work, I am happy to help you in any way that I can. I don’t know much about what you are doing, but I am very interested and would love to hear more about it. I am proud of you for winning that award, and the relief work you do sounds amazing. If I can help by being a good guest at your partner’s house, then I am happy to do so, but it would make me feel more comfortable to know that there were no expectations of me. I socialize better that way.

Another issue arose before I left. You said that we don’t talk. I am sorry for that. I would love to talk to you more. I said that I didn’t like to talk to you about books because you never liked the books I was reading back in high school. And now when I do, I still feel like I am a kid talking to an adult. It feels like I’m trying to communicate something that won’t be entirely understood, or would be looked down upon, so I don’t try. Maybe that is all due to my insecure projections. It probably is. Before we had our heated discussion, when I was driving to the house, I was thinking about how you and I didn’t talk enough, and how I would love to spend more time with you. I am willing to get over my childhood insecurities, because I really would like to talk to you more.

As far as you “willing to play the fool,” I don’t know what that meant. I never want you to feel like a fool. It sounds like you have felt that way in the past. If that has anything to do with how I treat you, or anything to do with my behavior, please tell me and I will amend the situation as best as I can. I never want to embarrass you.

—
The Actor

(I think this next one is from his girlfriend. -Ty)

1/1/xx—1:30 a.m.

hi big bear

I don’t know if anything i say is helpful, but i just wanted to say a couple things that i’m thinking about all this. i hope i can be helpful. I’m so sorry he said those things to you. i would have stormed out too, those are really hurtful comments he
made, and i think very immature. they were inappropriate. he shouldn’t be talking to you like you are a little boy.

but i also think that maybe this is a good thing. it seems like maybe this was less about this one event and more about your guys relationship, built up things between you and your dad. i think that you have said a number of times that you don’t have a lot of respect for him, and you have good reasons (i’m not criticizing those feelings of yours). i think on some level he probably feels that. so he has probably been harboring hurt feelings toward you. maybe this is what you guys needed to get through some of the stuff between you.

i think you can use this situation to your advantage and be the bigger person. you might in some ways have to be the father figure, you know? show him how you want things to be. the fact is, you did go into the evening angry because you felt (again, with good reason) manipulated and uninformed. he could and should have said to you up front that this was an important dinner for him, and could everyone be on their best behavior. i think there’s a lot of miscommunication on both ends. and now is a good opportunity to maybe be more open and honest with him about how this relationship is for you and how you want it to be different.