Admission (8 page)

“You left me,” Laila said.

“They kicked me out.”

“I promise I won’t.”

Jake didn’t realize he had fractured the bone below his pinkie. He got into Laila’s car and picked up where they had left off.

Eventually the high subsides … sometimes before a person can make an even bigger mistake.

In the parking lot of Jake’s apartment, Laila asked him to come home with her.

Perhaps it was her raw honesty or the fact that it was three in the morning or the fact that something in the music and in her forceful kiss made him reconsider. But as he looked at a snow-covered windshield and took a breath and considered, all he could think about was Alyssa.

Not again. Not now. Not here
.

Jake looked at the blonde across from him. In the glow and shadows of the bar, she had looked incredible. But now Laila just looked like a hardened young woman too eager to be with him.

I don’t want this
, he thought.

He wanted this, yes, sure, and he had once had this, yeah. But not again. Not this head case. If he kept this up she would never back off, and he didn’t need anything this heavy and serious the last few months of college.

Yet the biggest reason for stopping was the simple thought of Alyssa.

“I’m done here,” he said.

“Jake, come on—let’s just go back to my place—nobody has to know—”

But he was already outside and shutting the door and didn’t hear her finish her suggestion.

He walked toward his apartment. No good-bye. No nothing. He knew it was better this way.

As he grabbed the door handle to his apartment building with his right hand, he felt an ache that would only worsen by eleven the next morning, when he awoke and looked in the
mirror and then glanced at a hand that was half black-and-blue.

This is what you’ve become
.

“WHAT HAPPENED?”

Shane’s voice sounded far off and muffled.

“I’m—I don’t know.”

I sat on the couch, candlelight making the walls appear to be moving. Shane had grabbed a frozen steak, which I held against the back of my head where a large knot had appeared.

“I’m calling the cops,” Tracy said.

“No, it’s fine,” I said.

“What if someone—”

“They’re gone, whoever did this,” Shane said.

Tracy began, “Do you think someone—”

“I don’t know what to think,” he said, interrupting his wife, then quickly apologizing.

“Where’s Bruce?” I asked.

“He took off outside.”

“What do you mean?”

“He said he was going to hunt down whoever did this to you.”

“Great. My heroic, half-sloshed bodyguard.”

“You didn’t see or hear anything?”

“Just heard someone behind me and then got knocked out cold.”

“This is a theme in your life,” Shane said.

“What?” Tracy looked puzzled.

“I’ll tell you later,” he said to Tracy. “Jake—you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Seriously. I just wish that such a great night hadn’t ended up like this.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tracy said.

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “Better me than you.”

“Do you think—you think this has anything to do with Alec?”

I adjusted the mock ice pack and let out a sigh. “I don’t know … Bruce’s apartment got broken into last night.”

“Are you serious? What did Bruce say?”

“Not much, except that he needed to get out of town.”

“Is he in trouble?” Shane asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I haven’t spoken to him—to any of you—for years.”

“You need to get some rest,” Tracy said.

“You haven’t seen or heard from Alec?” I asked Shane.

Shane shook his head. “I told you over the phone—nothing. I didn’t even know he was living in Florida for a while. After graduation—I don’t know. It all sorta ended with that. With Carnie.”

“I know.”

“I just thought—we’ll all get past this. And still be friends. Still stay in touch. But every time I thought of all you guys, I couldn’t help thinking of Carnie.”

I nodded. “Me too.”

Ten hours later, after waking up and moving my throbbing head off the pillow and taking four more Advil, I sat next to Shane as he drove his speedboat over the smooth waters of Tampa Bay. The sun was bright, and I’d had to borrow a pair of sunglasses to actually be able to look out. It was just the two of us; Bruce still slept, or was just starting to come out of the stupor that I was beginning to think was a normal part of his life.

Shane talked about buying the speedboat and what he and Tracy wanted to do. Never once did I feel as though he was bragging. He could be sitting in a rowboat talking with the same energy and excitement. Shane was just one of those guys who was always up and high on life.

He paused. “How you feeling?”

“Groggy. Probably a lot like Bruce does. But one of us got socked in the back of his head.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

“You should be. I mean, I know you deliberately had someone outside ready to assault me.”

Shane laughed. “Still—”

“Maybe it was just some random stranger. But I doubt it.”

“You think it’s to do with Alec?”

“Probably.”

“Maybe it
was
Alec,” Shane said.

“That’d be ironic, huh?”

“Why wouldn’t he want you to find him?”

“I don’t know.” But I had some ideas. “Can I ask you a question? And ask you to be totally honest with me?”

“Sure.”

Shane slowed the boat down so we could hear each other, and eventually brought it to a stop. We floated gently in the middle of the bay, boats occasionally passing by. In the distance was a large and busy bridge that headed toward downtown Jacksonville.

“Do you know what really happened during spring break?” I asked.

Shane shook his head, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. “I was more wasted than you that night. We were all bombed out of our minds.”

“I think we were all nervous.”

“Because of what?” Shane asked.

“Because of what we were thinking about doing. Because of what we did.”

Shane stood up and leaned against the side of the boat. “I never knew exactly what happened. I always thought …”

“What?”

“I thought you knew but didn’t want to say.”

“The longer time goes by, the less I seem to know. Bruce acts like he doesn’t remember anything about it. I don’t know. Maybe I knew more back then. I always thought—I assumed Carnie knew everything.”

“Alec knew everything too. I think Alec was the one behind everything.”

“You think that’s why he disappeared?” I asked.

“What I
really
think is that I never really truly knew Alec. But who did? You know? You think you know the guys around you, but college is so different. You have these real intense friendships for a few years, and then they’re all gone. Like that. It’s weird.”

“Things would’ve been different if—if everything hadn’t happened.”

“If Brian hadn’t come along,” Shane added, saying what I couldn’t bring myself to say.

“Then Alec disappearing. And Carnie.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, Alec called me not long ago—actually last New Year’s Eve. He told me that Carnie never meant for any of this to happen. That Carnie was the guilty one. That he wanted me to know—but he was never able to tell me.”

“That’s coming from Alec,” Shane said.

“Yeah? So?”

“I never trusted Alec. I loved the guy and had a lot of fun with him. But I never trusted him.”

“I thought I did,” I said. “Once.”

The boat bobbed back and forth. For a moment I just sat in silence, looking at Shane.

“You want to stick around here for a while? Hang out in Jacksonville for a few days?”

“What about my traveling partner?”

“He can sleep in the boat,” Shane joked.

“It’s tempting. But no—I really need to see the other guys. They’ll say the same thing you’re saying. I’m sure they don’t know anything.”

Shane looked at me hesitantly.

“What?”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

I could have just said I needed the job and the money. It was true. But it was more than that, and I think he knew it.

“Maybe it’s because I never had that final conversation with Alec that I needed to have. We never had our good-bye.”

“But what would that accomplish?”

“I don’t know. But I think I’ve waited long enough—maybe too long—to ever try.”

“You can’t bring Carnie back, man. You can’t change anything.”

I stared off at the dark blue waters and the bridge in the background.

“Yeah. But I can finally learn why he killed himself.”

CHAPEL WAS EVERY THURSDAY
morning, and students were encouraged to go. Jake never did. He had only been in the building three times for large campus gatherings.

The renovation to Vermuelen Chapel was completed a year before he came to Providence. The gothic tower was once the main part of a church built in the early 1900s. A family close to the college had renovated it and added on a building with a modern-day theater inside, with stadium seating in three different sections and a balcony overhead.

This afternoon, he sat alone in a shadowed sea of chairs while play practice took place. Alyssa was a codirector; the play was something an English grad had written that didn’t make any sense. It was about waiting for God and featured a bunch of characters sitting around doing nothing but talking and theorizing.

Jake watched the back of Alyssa’s head. She’d asked him to meet her here. He was early, but he had nothing else to do.

After the small cast and crew broke, Alyssa found Jake in the auditorium. She walked over and sat down beside him, letting out a tired sigh.

“Sorry we went late.”

“That was—interesting?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, almost in agreement. “I wanted to do a different play. But they had to go with Chuck’s.”

“What’s it about?”

“Providence. Fate, chance, divine intervention. You know, because we
go
to Providence.”

“Ah. What’s it called? Let me guess. Uh,
Providence?”

Alyssa laughed and shook her head. “No. Actually, it’s called
Waiting For Tomorrow.”

“Interesting.”

“How’s the hand?”

Jake lifted his right hand, half wrapped in gauze and bandages that covered a splint.

“They had to re-break the bone to straighten it out.”

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

“I’m taking lots of medication.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Bud Light. Tequila. Jack Daniels. They’re really good, you should try them.”

“That’s why you broke your hand in the first place.”

Jake looked at the earnestness on her face. “I told you—I had a fight.”

“With whom?”

“With a big fat door. I think it was solid oak.”

“Smart.”

“Yeah, well—I lost,” Jake said.

“What’d your parents say?”

“I just made up some lame excuse. You know—part of me thinks that the less they know, the less they’ll care.”

“They’re paying your way through college.”

“Well—they don’t want their only son to be a bum, do they? My sister was the role model, and she stayed out of trouble in college, so they figure I’ll turn out like her. I’ve been making decent grades, and I haven’t been expelled yet, so that’s all that matters.”

Alyssa gave Jake a look that surprised him.

“Hey—don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” Alyssa said.

“I hate looks like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re staring at a kid who’s lost his parents in a department store.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You don’t have to pity me just because I broke my hand.”

“Pity is a strong word. And if I do—it’s not because of your broken hand.”

“Then what is it?”

“Jake, I’m worried about you.”

“Oh, no. Is this why you brought me in here? To the chapel? To have an intervention?”

“No,” Alyssa said, a smile coming on her lips.

“What then?”

“When is it going to stop?”

“What?”

“The partying. The craziness.”

Jake found her comments ironic. “Tell me something.”

“What?” the beautiful girl next to him asked.

“Why is it that you’re so interested in me straightening up, but you’re not interested in dating me?”

“The two go together.”

“Ah,” Jake said, doing his own acting for dramatic effect. “So if I suddenly stopped the partying and all that, you’d go out with me?”

“I don’t want you to stop because of me.”

“I don’t think I would.”

“Do you ever think about the big picture?”

“What? Life, the universe, the hereafter? Sure.”

“It doesn’t seem like you do.”

Jake couldn’t help thinking how much he wanted to kiss her. “College kids need to have fun. We have the rest of our lives to grow up.”

“Do you ever worry about the mistakes you’ve made?”

“Like breaking my hand?”

“No, like breaking the rules.”

“You’ve been working in that dean’s office too long,” he said.

“I’m not talking about the college’s rules.”

He let out a sigh and shook his head. “Alyssa, come on.

You’re not one of those holier-than-thou people.”

“I’m not trying to be,” she replied.

“I don’t see why God would care in the least about me having some beers with a few friends.”

“You make it sound so innocent.”

“It is,” Jake said, louder than he should have.

“Your right hand is in a cast. Because you
hit a door
. That’s not so innocent.”

“I hurt myself.”

“What happens when you hurt someone else?”

“Oh, man. What? When I get behind the wheel and crash into someone? Come on. I’m not an idiot.”

“Yes, you are.”

Jake laughed. “Thank you. I needed to hear that. Is that my affirmation of the day?”

“Don’t you think about tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

Alyssa looked disappointed and moved in her seat as if she was getting ready to leave.

“Look, Alyssa, I don’t know what you want.”

“It’s not about what
I
want.”

Jake just looked at her, wanting more.

“What I mean is—there are consequences for your actions, Jake. And I—well—you’re heading down a bad path. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Jake nodded. “I’m always fine.”

He smiled and tried to get a similar look from her, but all he saw was disappointment. He hated that look, especially on Alyssa’s face. But there was nothing he could do to change it. He was who he was, and she was right—he shouldn’t change just because of her.

Maybe Jake needed to grow up, but Alyssa needed to as well. She wanted to stay out of the world and in the little bubble known as Providence. But eventually she would get out. And she would discover that the world wasn’t idealistic or pretty, and that sooner or later everyone failed.