Adventure According to Humphrey (8 page)

“Looks like he’s a born sailor,” Mr. Brisbane observed. Now there’s a smart man!

“Don’t be ridiculous,” his wife said. “I wouldn’t let Humphrey get within sight of the water.”

What an unsqueakable thing to say!

“Why?” Mr. Brisbane asked.

“WHY-WHY-WHY?” I asked, too.

“Because hamsters must never get wet,” Mrs. Brisbane explained. “They catch chills easily and get sick or even die. Plus water removes the good oils in a hamster’s fur. You really should read up on hamsters the way I have, Bert.”

My heart sank to the bottom of my paws. This was worse news than anything Mrs. Wright ever said.

“Guess you’re not going to Potter’s Pond, my friend,” Mr. Brisbane told me.

I felt like I was spinning without my wheel. I felt sick with disappointment. I felt just about as bad as I did when Ms. Mac left and broke my hamster heart.

“No way,” Mrs. Brisbane agreed. “Besides, the poor thing would be terrified.”

A lot she knew! She had no idea of the fur-raising adventures I’d had. And I’d hardly ever been terrified, except by large and unfriendly animals, like Miranda’s dog, Clem.

Mr. Brisbane put me back in my cage.

“Sorry, Humphrey,” he said.

“You think you’re sorry,” I squeaked. “I’m about the sorriest creature in the world.”

They laughed at my squeaking, which hurt my feelings, but I forgave them.

They’re only humans, after all.

O
nce I was back in Room 26, I spent a lot of time in my sleeping hut, trying hard not to think about boats. Every once in a while, though, I couldn’t resist checking up on my friends’ progress.

With Mr. Brisbane’s advice and help, holes were drilled, keels were attached, boats were sanded and painted and sails were raised. He seemed especially pleased with the progress Kirk and Richie were making with their tall ship. “Just make sure that those sails don’t weigh the boat down,” he told them.

“I’m going to test it at home tonight,” Kirk said.

After Mr. Brisbane moved on, Richie turned to Kirk. “Maybe
I
could test it at home.”

“Have you ever sailed a model boat before?” asked Kirk.

Richie admitted that he hadn’t. “But I can tell if it sails or sinks.”

“Look, I’ve done this before with my dad,” Kirk explained. “He knows all about boats. He was in the navy!”

“But I haven’t done anything,” Richie complained.

“Great!” said Kirk. “You’ll get a prize and you don’t have to do the work. Trust me, we’ll win.”

I guess Richie couldn’t think of anything else to say, but he sure looked miserable. Kirk didn’t seem to notice.

“Hey, where do fish sleep?” he suddenly asked.

Richie just stared at Kirk.

“In a
water bed
!” Kirk chuckled. Richie didn’t.

Gail didn’t look any happier than Richie. Heidi was out sick with a bad cold, so Gail had to work alone. And her mother, who was so encouraging to the other students, continued to insist that she decorate the sail.

“Why can’t it be white?” Gail asked.

“That’s so unimaginative,” Mrs. Morgenstern replied. “Remember how you resisted changing your room? Now you love your golden walls, don’t you?”

“Yes, but that’s different,” Gail answered quietly.

So Gail continued to spend her time working on the hull of the boat. I think she was delaying the time when she had to decorate the sail (or upset her mom if she didn’t).

I felt sorry for Richie and Gail, but at least they’d have the chance to sail on Potter’s Pond and have a picnic with treasure, while I’d just sit in Room 26 with no one to talk to but a twangy old frog. I know, Og’s a nice guy and I wasn’t being fair to him, but I was feeling down in the dumps.

Even when Mrs. Brisbane read from
Jolly Roger’s Guide to Life,
I wasn’t very cheered up.

I thought I couldn’t feel any lower, until school was over and Mrs. Wright came in. She was carrying a clipboard and had her shiny whistle around her neck. It’s hard to relax around a woman who always wears a whistle!

“Mrs. Brisbane, here are a few more forms you’ll need for the field trip,” she announced abruptly.

I was surprised to see that Mrs. Brisbane just smiled and said, “Fine. I’ll make sure they’re taken care of.”

“By the deadline,” Mrs. Wright snapped back.

“Of course,” Mrs. Brisbane replied. “Now, Ruth, I have an idea. To make sure that our field trip is safe and orderly and everything goes smoothly, I was wondering if there was any chance you could come along and help supervise.”

I think if I’d been on my wheel, I would have fallen off.

Mrs. Wright looked about as startled as I felt. “Well, I don’t know,” she said. “I mean . . . yes, it would make sense. Perhaps I can rearrange my schedule that day.”

“You’d be a big help,” Mrs. Brisbane said (although I didn’t agree). “And you’d have a lot of fun.”

Mrs. Wright looked even more startled than before.

“Oh, well, of course, that wouldn’t be my purpose in being there,” she said.

Mrs. Brisbane flashed her a big smile. “Of course not. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some fun, would it?”

So that was Mrs. Brisbane’s idea! She wanted to help Mrs. Wright have some fun. I didn’t think that even a wise teacher could make that happen. The only fun Mrs. Wright had was when she blew her whistle, which wasn’t fun for small creatures with sensitive ears like mine.

“Good luck,” I muttered as Mrs. Brisbane left the room.

“Good night!” she answered cheerily.

 

That evening, I had to listen to the splishing and splashing coming from Og’s tank, which only reminded me that he could swim as much as he liked, while I was forbidden to be in water. Ever.

I guess Aldo didn’t know that I wouldn’t be joining the class at Potter’s Pond. He continued to whistle and dance the hornpipe and say things like, “Arrgh,” and, “Me hearty.”

When he called me a “salty dog,” I felt SAD-SAD-SAD, because if there’s one thing I’m
not,
it’s an unreasonable creature like a dog.

On Thursday night, Aldo said a very strange thing. “Maria has made me a pirate’s outfit. She says I look handsome in it!”

Maria was Aldo’s very nice wife, and I could hardly believe that she wanted him to be a pirate, too.

“I tell ye, me buckos, this pirate life agrees with me!” he added. Then he pushed his cleaning trolley out of Room 26, turned off the light and closed the door.

“Og?” I squeaked.

I could hear the faint splashing of water. “Og? Do you think Aldo is going to be a pirate and sail away and we’ll never see him again?”

“BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!” Og responded in a very alarming way.

“I hope not, either,” I answered, although I’m usually only guessing what Og is trying to say.

Aldo had left the blinds open, so that the streetlight outside lit up Room 26 and bathed it in a soft glow. The tables were pushed together so the boats were all in a row.

“I’m taking a little walk, Og,” I suddenly announced, flinging my cage door open.

I was able to drop down from the table where Og and I live directly onto the table with the boats. It was grand seeing them up close. There was the beautiful swan boat, with real feathers that Sayeh and Miranda brought in. The pirate flag looked wonderfully menacing on the boat Garth and A.J. built. I had nothing but admiration for the colorful Chinese junk that Tabitha and Seth designed. The Viking boat that Art and Mandy created tilted a bit too much to one side, but they still had time to fix it.

The tall ship was missing because Kirk had taken it home to test it.

Gail’s boat (and it was practically hers alone, since Heidi had been sick all week) was plain and simple, just like the poster of the classic sailboat on the wall.

My friends were doing a GREAT-GREAT-GREAT job, and in spite of my own disappointment, I was proud of them. But I suddenly remembered the boat I’d sketched in my notebook: the SS
Golden Hamster
with its impressive hamster flag. None of my friends had even thought of a flag (except the pirate flag on Garth and A.J.’s boat).

I looked around at the piles of art supplies in front of me and picked out a lovely triangle of aluminum foil and a toothpick. I carefully inserted the toothpick in the foil, and what do you know? It looked just like a silvery flag on a flagpole.

I planted it right in front of Gail’s boat, sticking it in a mound of modeling clay. It was a way to make my mark and congratulate my friends on their good work, even though they’d never know whose flag it was.

After all, it wasn’t their fault I’d be a landlubber forever.

 

There’s always plenty of time to think after Aldo leaves, and that night, I couldn’t help thinking about Kirk and how he was treating Richie. I’d never seen him act that way before. Everybody in Room 26 wanted to win the prize for the race, but my other friends weren’t acting like Kirk. What had gotten into him?

Then I started to think about the weekend I’d spent not long ago at Kirk’s house. It was a FUN-FUN-FUN place to stay because Kirk’s family is nice to visiting hamsters and they all like to laugh, like Kirk does. He has a mom, a dad, an older sister, Krissy, and an older brother, Kevin.

Kirk and Kevin shared a room. They had matching beds, matching lamps and matching desks. Over each desk was a shelf.

On Kirk’s shelf, there was a dictionary, a globe, five joke books and a red ribbon tacked to the edge.

On Kevin’s shelf, there were three silver trophies, four gold trophies, four plaques and a row of red, blue and gold ribbons. There must have been at least ten of them.

I didn’t pay much attention to the difference between the shelves until Kirk pointed it out that Saturday afternoon. He and I were alone in his room. Kevin was out running track, which according to Kirk is a lot like spinning my wheel except you run in a circle on the ground.

“See all those trophies and ribbons, Humphrey?” Kirk asked me. “Those are Kevin’s awards for sports. He’s great at all sports. Basketball, soccer, track, swimming. Look at them all,” he said. “Pretty amazing, aren’t they?”

“YES-YES-YES!” I squeaked. I must admit, I was impressed.

Kirk pointed to the lone ribbon on his shelf. “That’s the only award I ever got, for honorable mention in the talent show last year. I did a comic routine. I should have gotten a gold.”

Since I hadn’t been around for the talent show and wasn’t even sure what it was, I didn’t comment.

“You should see my sister’s room,” Kirk continued. “I’d show it to you, but she doesn’t let me in there. Anyway, she has
two
shelves of awards for good grades and the debating team—that’s where people get points for arguing—and drama competitions and speech contests and, I don’t know, every time Krissy opens her mouth, she gets an award.”

I was still thinking about debating. I don’t like arguments one bit, but humans get awards for them!

Kirk flopped down on the bed. “Dad always says I’d better get busy if I’m going to fill up my shelf. Then he says he’s just kidding, but I’m not sure. It’s just, well, I’m good at being funny, but they don’t give awards for that!”

I got an award once for my Halloween costume, but Kirk seemed so upset, I didn’t think it was a good time to mention it.

Suddenly, Kirk sat up. “Hey, Humphrey, did you hear about the scarecrow who got the big award . . . for being
outstanding in his field!
” He laughed loudly. “Get it—see, a scarecrow stands in a field. Outstanding in his field!”

“Unsqueakably funny,” I said, though I was exaggerating a little.

“I’ve got a million of them,” Kirk said. “Did you hear the story about the spaceship? It was out of this world!”

He chuckled again, and so did I.

Kirk jumped up and stood close to my cage. “Here’s one for you, Humphrey. What did the hamster say when he broke his leg? ‘Quick! Call a
hambulance
’!”

A hambulance! Now
that
was funny. I hopped on my wheel to show Kirk the joke made me happy.

If I’d had a gold ribbon, I would have given it to him. Like I said, it was quiet in Room 26. Og never squeaks up, much less tells a joke.

“Og, did you hear the one about the boy who wanted a prize so badly, he’d even hurt his best friend’s feelings to win it?” I asked my neighbor.

Og didn’t laugh, but that was okay. The situation wasn’t one bit funny. And I didn’t have any idea how to make things better between Kirk and Richie.

 

It didn’t take long for Gail to notice the flag the next morning. Heidi was back, too, and she asked who had made it. When the girls asked around, no one knew anything about it. (Except me, but nobody asked.)