Afire: Entire Blinded Series (3 page)

"Yeah.” Ryan laughed again, thoughts of Lee's mother coming to the fore. “Yeah."

Long moments passed, and Ryan contemplated what would happen next. Things just couldn't change. Not now. Not when they'd shared something like this and worked together so well. He replayed the past few minutes in his mind, needing to brand it there in case this was one of the only memories he'd have once he told Lee his reason for being here.

Despite his mind being crowded with images, sleep crept upon him, and his eyelids drooped.

"Reckon it's bedtime,” Lee said. “I didn't get a chance to ask. How did you get here? You passed your driving test without telling me?"

Ryan yawned and sat up, undoing the belt. “No. I got lifts then walked the last couple of miles."

"Shit, no wonder you're half asleep. Come on."

He trailed Lee upstairs, still naked, and climbed into bed beside him, the sheets smelling of Lee, the mattress a balm on his aching muscles. As though he'd always done it, he nestled against his lover, head on his chest, leg draped over the other's. He shut his eyes, and Lee whispered, “Need you here."

Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but sleep closed around him at the same time as Lee's arms.

[Back to Table of Contents]

Ryan woke, disconcerted for a moment at opening his eyes to a strange room. Faint sunlight tried to infiltrate the blackout blind, only succeeding in seeping around the edges, bleeding onto the wall like a square, dull aura. He rolled onto his side and studied Lee while he slept, his lover facing him. How had he ever spent so long away from him? He smiled wryly.
By knowing if you let someone go they come back to you, that's how. Or so the saying goes, anyway
.

He wanted to stroke Lee's face but feared waking him, so stuffed his hands between his legs. Taking in Lee's stubbled jaw line, he imagined how it would feel against his skin and squirmed with the twitching of his cock. His love for Lee blinded him with its intensity, always had, and nothing could change that. If things went wrong, well, he'd just have to deal with it, but no matter what, your first love always held a special place in your heart, didn't they? He thought about that for a moment and realised how naive he was. Didn't his mum marry her first love and hate him now?

I can't see Lee making me hate him, though what I've come to tell him might have him hating me for not telling him sooner. I'll do it today. Get it over with
.

His stomach churned at the prospect, and he shoved the thoughts way, filling his mind with memories of last night. Their frantic coupling had surprised him. He'd dreamed of it since they'd been parted, imagined it would be slow and tender, romantic, even. It wasn't, but it didn't matter. Hopefully there was plenty of time for ease and gentleness—if he didn't mess up what he'd come to do.

He sighed, his stomach knotting again, and tried to go back to sleep. Mind alive and in no mood to cooperate, he opened his eyes, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. How many times had he done this over the past four years, tormenting himself as to who shared Lee's life? He shook his head. Many wasted hours in the middle of the night spent worrying, only for his suspicions to be dashed by Lee's admittance that there had been no one since Ryan.
Wow
. That they'd both abstained from sex, from getting involved with someone else—that had to mean something, right?

Unable to lie still any longer, he got out of bed and padded downstairs, picking his clothes up from the living room floor and dressing quickly. He'd shower later and wash away the fatigue that lingered in his bones from all that walking yesterday. Besides, he didn't like to make too much noise and wake Lee.

In the kitchen, he familiarised himself with the layout and put the kettle on to boil, then stared out the window at miles of countryside. The view, all patchwork fields in greens and browns, was a comfort to look at and calmed him a little. The sun hung just above the horizon, and its bright light gave the illusion of a summer's day. The frost on the grass just outside told a different story, and he had the urge to go out there in the bracing cold to shock the tiredness from him.

Kettle boiled, he made a coffee and found some keys in a box on the wall. It took a few tries to find the right one, but he unlocked the door and stepped outside, the chilly patio numbing his bare feet. The air worked its magic, and he woke fully, body as alert as his mind. He sipped his coffee, steam from the mug thick due to the outside temperature, and his breaths puffed out in white clouds. Goose bumps popped up on his skin, and he went back inside to get his coat.

Lee stood in the kitchen doorway, tousle headed and sleepy eyed, a pair of grey jersey tracksuit bottoms on. “Thought I'd dreamed it when I woke up to find you gone."

"Couldn't sleep. Always the same when I sleep somewhere other than my own bed. You all right?"

"Yeah. Shut the door, will you? Bloody cold!” He winked and clicked on the kettle. “You all right?"

Ryan closed the door. “Yeah, thanks. Got anything planned for today?"

Lee yawned. “I was going into the next town over to do the weekly shop—nothing exciting—but I think I've got enough to last the weekend if you'd rather not go."

"I don't mind either way. Whatever you want."

Lee poured kettle water into a cup. “We could go to the pub for lunch. Give the villagers something to talk about.” He smiled and put the kettle down, then mimicked gossiping mouths with his hands.

Ryan smiled, leaned his elbows on the worktop beside Lee, and looked out the window again. “Could do.” He paused, then, “How long did it take you to get used to living up here?"

Stirring in coffee and sugar, Lee said, “About six months. Was too quiet at first, but then again, that's what I needed. Peace to think. Now, I don't think I could go back to a town to live. Too much going on. Too many people wanting to know your business. All right, there are a few here who are the same, but for the most part they avoid me. Phobic, see. That has its uses.” He smiled again then sipped his drink. “Come on. Living room. Bloody nippy in here."

Ryan followed him down the hall. In the living room, Lee flicked on a three-bar fire, put his coffee on the table, and moved to sit in his recliner then changed his mind. Flopping onto the sofa, he looked up at Ryan and frowned.

"You sure you're all right?"

Ryan nodded and sat at the other end. “Yeah, course I am."

"Any regrets?"

"No. Fuck no! It's just...”
I can't do it. Can't tell him
.

"Just what?” Lee sat upright, worry tightening his features. “Look, if you've got something to say, say it. Whatever's worrying you, we'll sort it out. You forget I
know
you. Know when something's bugging your arse. So come on. Out with it."

Shit
. Ryan's heart sped up, and his pulse throbbed, the sound so loud he couldn't hear anything else for a moment. He swallowed.
Just tell him. Get it over with
. “Your mum—"

Lee frowned. “What about her?"

Ryan stared at him. Deep gouges in Lee's brow indicated his annoyance at the mention of his mother. Hadn't he said he didn't want anything more to do with her? Didn't want to know anything about her? But this was different, wasn't it? No way could Ryan withhold that kind of information. Lee's downturned mouth spurred him on to get it over and done with.

"I don't know how to say this or how you'll take it, and I'm only bringing a message because I think you have a right to know. She's, uh, she's dead.”
Blunt and to the point, Ryan. Well done.

Lee's mouth opened and closed, and he reached for his coffee, taking a large gulp and staring at the doorway. “Right. And why did I need to know this? You know how I feel about her.” He glanced at Ryan then looked back at the hallway. “It wasn't just her reaction when we were younger. She's always tried to manipulate me, treated me like I had to do what she wanted or suffer the consequences. It was never simple, my life. She was slap happy; you saw the bruises enough times to know that. Best thing I ever did coming here."

"I'm sorry.” Ryan felt sick. He sensed Lee's barely suppressed anger and wished he'd got someone else to come here and do what the old lady asked, but wasn't it better that Ryan had come? “Look, I know how you feel, but it isn't like you think. She left two notes. One for whoever found her, and one for you."

Lee's wry, bitter-sounding laughter cut the air. “Ah, she was still on form right until the end, then. Manipulating people to do what she wanted. Come on then, what did the note say? And who found her? And how the fuck did you get to hear about it? May as well hear the whole sordid tale."

"Uh, she asked that the police not come and inform you that she'd gone—that one of your friends had to do it. Me, actually, though no one else offered anyway. Her next door neighbour heard the...noise and went to check on her. They apparently had each other's house keys. And she knew someone who knew me—knew me and you had been friends as kids. And, uh, she left you some money. It's in my bag."

"Don't want it.” Lee stood and walked over to the window, staring out at a village that had never accepted him. Much like his mother.

Christ, poor bastard
. “Didn't think you would, but I brought it anyway."

Lee sighed and sipped his coffee. “Suppose you're going to tell me she died in her sleep, all peaceful, no suffering. Not what I wished for her, I can tell you. And yeah, I sound a bastard, but you weren't brought up by her. You—"

"Hey!” Ryan got up and stood beside him, placing his hand on his arm. “I know all this, don't I? No need to explain it to me. I understand, all right? I only came because if I didn't tell you, you've got to admit you'd wonder why. It's one of those situations where I can't do right for doing wrong, but that's okay. I expected that."

Nodding, Lee said, “Sorry. Not your fault. It's just...when I think of her, all the bad comes back, know what I mean? Like it was all happening again, except I see it in my head. But I feel it inside. Still fucking feel it, as if it was fresh. God!” He sniffed and sipped again. “So how was it? How did she go?"

Ryan hiked in a deep breath.
Tell him. Just say it how it was
. “She shot herself."

Lee's head whipped round to face him, his widened eyes wild and bright. “
What
? My old dear
killed
herself?” He huffed out a laugh. “How the hell did she get hold of a gun? You've got to be kidding me, right?"

Lightly squeezing Lee's arm, Ryan shook his head, words failing him for a moment. He swallowed then said, “D'you want the money and the note?"

"No. Reckon she'll have written a load of bollocks about what a disappointment I was. I already know that, so what's the point in reminding myself? And as for the money... Give it to charity or something."

"But it's twenty grand, Lee. I shit myself bringing it all this way. It's in cash. Her neighbour got it and the notes out of the house before the police arrived."

"Doesn't matter how much it is. Don't you see? Anything from her is tainted. Even me. I can't even bring myself to forgive, can I?” He sighed and left the window, pacing up and down the room. “Look, I hate to do this to you, but uh, could you give me some space?"

Ryan's stomach plummeted, and his immediate thought was that if he left, Lee wouldn't want to see him again.
Christ, I'm a selfish bastard. Let him have his time alone. Last thing he'll be thinking of is me. Go. Leave him be
. “Sure. I'll, uh... Well, I'll go back home, all right? Give you a ring tomorrow or something."

Lee stopped pacing and turned to face him. “No. I don't mean... Not that far away. Don't go back yet."

"Oh. Right. Uh, okay. I'll go into the village for a bit then, yeah?"

Lee nodded, his knuckles white as he gripped his cup. “Yeah. Only for a bit, though. I'll ring you. Come and meet you after I've had a think."

"All right. I'll, um, go and freshen up, then."

Ryan left the room, guts churning, sick to his stomach that he'd hurt Lee with this news, dredged up the past, making Lee go right back to childhood all over again. But what else could he have done? In the kitchen, he rooted in his bag for clean clothes, fingers brushing the large envelope full of money and the smaller one containing the note. He took out some jeans and a black T-shirt, followed by boxers and socks. Heart heavy, he went upstairs to the bathroom, annoyed with himself for forgetting to bring up his wash bag. Making do, he put his clothes on the floor and brushed his teeth using his finger. Finished, he switched the shower on, as hot as he could stand it, and stepped into the cubicle. The image of Lee downstairs all alone hurt his heart, and he resisted the urge to get out and go down to give him comfort. He knew Lee too well, though. If he said he needed space, he needed it. It would only cause friction if Ryan ignored his request.

Once clean, he dried himself off and dressed, jeans sticking to his semi-damp skin as he pulled them up. He hung the towel on a door hook and collected his dirty clothes. Returning downstairs, he grimaced as anxiety rushed through him. Back in the living room, he expected Lee to be there and raised his eyebrows, fretting over where he'd gone.

For God's sake! He's a grown man. Stop worrying
.

Boots and coat on, he pulled his beanie over his head and walked to the kitchen. Lee stood staring out the window in the back door, dry eyed, jaw clenched. Ryan reached into his bag and took out the envelopes.

"I'll, uh, leave these here.” He placed them on the worktop. “Just in case you—"

"All right. Thanks.” Lee continued to stare.

"Um, I'll be off then. You, uh, you take care okay?"

Lee nodded. “Will do."

Ryan had the urge to go to him, to offer a hug, anything, but instead walked out and down the hall, checking his phone and wallet were in his coat pocket. Outside, he closed the front door and stood on the path, looking out over the village. He'd probably get a frosty reception if the old lady was anything to go by, and he inhaled a lungful of air before heading for the path that led downhill.