After Forever (23 page)

“I don’t know.”

“It was goodbye, wasn’t it?”

“I’m coming back, Eden. I swear on my soul.”

I was still inside her, our bodies tangled and joined. She rested her forehead against mine. “It’s still goodbye. Don’t act like you don’t feel it.”

“I do.” The admission dragged out of me. “I don’t understand it, but I feel it, too.”

She raised her head, placed a palm on my cheek. Her lower lip trembled, and then she pressed her mouth to mine, a sorrowful, quavering kiss. “’Bye, Caden.”
 

“Eden, I—”

“No. Don’t say anything else. Please.” She moved, and I slipped out of her as she rolled away from me, slid off the bed. Stood facing me, eyes on me. She looked as if she was about to speak, but then she shook her head, scrubbed her palm impatiently across her eyes, and vanished into my bathroom.

I wanted to follow her, but I didn’t dare. I wanted to lie in bed and think it through, but I didn’t dare. I forced myself out of bed, put my clothes back on. Sat on a kitchen chair and tied my shoes, watching the bedroom door, waiting for her to come out. I shouldered my bag and paused with my hand on the knob of the front door.

She came flying at me, still naked, hair loosed from the braid now and fluttering behind her. She slammed into me, arms around my neck. “I don’t
want
it to be goodbye. That was
love
, Caden. You and I both know it.”

“Y—yeah.” My voice cracked.

She peered up at me. “But it’s still not enough, is it? It’ll never be enough.
I’ll
never be enough.”

I choked. “It’s not that you’ll never be—that you’re not—not enough. It was never that.”

“Then
what
is it?” She lost her voice at the end, a hissing, screeching demand.

“You’re too much
like
her!” I shut my eyes and turned my face to the ceiling, truth shredding from my lips. “I’ll never be able to see you without seeing
her
!”

Eden backed away, barred an arm over her breasts, and crossed one thigh over her core. Her blonde hair, the black roots showing inch-long, cascaded over her shoulders and down her chest. Her eyes were tortured, bleeding pain. “You’ve…you’ve been trying to love
her
through
me.
”

She was right.
 

FUCK.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What could I say?
 

She saved me the need. “You can’t apologize. I don’t want you to. Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry. Don’t you dare.”

I stared at her, emptied of emotion. I was nothing but a breathing, walking husk.
 

She straightened her spine and lifted her chin. “Go.”
 

Still I hesitated.

“GO!”

I went. I slipped out the door and closed it behind me. My feet carried me away from my door, but not fast enough; I still heard her sobs.

~ ~ ~ ~
 

I called Grams’s cell phone on the way to the airport to get the address of the assisted living center they’d moved him into. “He’s back in the hospital, sweetie,” Grams said. “He’s fighting, but he’s sick.”

“Oh, god, Grams.”

“Seeing you will do him a world of good, though, I’m sure.” Her voice cracked. “Me, too, for that matter. We’ll see you soon, honey.”
 

There weren’t any nonstops from Detroit Metro to either Casper or Cheyenne, so I ended up laying over in Denver and flying from there to Cheyenne. I brooded the whole way about what Eden had said.
 
I knew, intellectually, that Eden was her own person. In terms of their personalities, and even their looks, they were completely different people. I mean, they were twins, even with Eden’s dyed hair. But…they were different. Ever was quieter, more even-tempered, more reflective and self-contained, in comparison to Eden’s voluble hot-temperedness.
 

I could list their differences one by one. But there was no point. Eden was right. I was trying to put a salve on the wound left by Ever’s coma, using Eden. And it wasn’t working. It was destroying me. It was slicing Eden’s heart into pieces. It would wreck Ever, if or when she woke up and regained some sense of self.

How had I let my life become this…ruin?
 

I’d barely hung on when Mom died. I’d run away from life when Dad died. Now, with Ever essentially dead, but not enough to let me mourn and grieve and find some way to heal, I was coming apart.
 

I paid the taxi driver and stepped out into the hot Wyoming sun, and then into the cool lobby of the Cheyenne Regional Medical Center. The receptionist directed me to room 559, and the closer I got to the room, the more my heart pounded. The smell of the hospital, the squeak of my boot soles on the tile, the indecipherable echo of the PA, nurses and orderlies in various colors of scrubs, preoccupied doctors in lab coats…it was all horribly, terribly familiar. Almost second nature now. Waiting rooms, vending machines. The beep of monitors. The whirring of mechanical doors closing behind me. The distant clinking scrape of curtains being drawn.
 

I’d spent a significant portion of my life in hospitals. With Mom; my own recovery; Ever. Memories inundated me, assaulted me, battering me one after another. Watching Mom waste away. Her weak smile when she said,
Quack
. Dad’s fist slamming into the door. Waking up in a bed, broken, alone. Hearing the news about Ever.
 

I nearly vomited from it all before I made it to Gramps’s room. I had to pause outside the door to room 559, catch my breath and focus on pushing away my own problems. Grams and Gramps didn’t need to see me struggling. I had to pretend to be strong for them.
 

When I finally went in, Gramps was awake, holding Grams’s hand. Neither of them were speaking. Just sitting together. Gramps…wasn’t Gramps. The left side of his face drooped, sagged. He was stick thin. His bones showed through his paper-like skin. His once mighty muscles were gone, just…gone. Evaporated. He heard my step; his eyes found me. His expression…I nearly sobbed…he showed no recognition. He turned his gaze back to Grams, slowly.
 

“That’s Cade. Your grandson. Aidan’s boy.”

I stood beside Grams, and she clutched at me for dear life. “He’ll remember you. Sometimes takes a bit. Didn’t recognize Gerry at first.” She rested her head against my elbow. “Just talk to him.”

Just talk. How many times had I heard that?

“Hey, Gramps. I just wanted you to know I’m…almost done with school. I missed some time with the accident, so I’m behind a bit. I’ll graduate in the spring. Bachelor of arts.” I blinked hard, swallowed. Took his hand. “You’ll be there, right? At the graduation? You wouldn’t miss that. After graduation, maybe I can spend a few months on the ranch. Help with foaling season. I don’t have any plans yet. Things have been difficult lately. Just lots going on, you know?”

Grams squeezed my arm. She knew I was bluffing.

“I’ve missed you, Gramps. I’ve wanted to come see you before now. In fact, some days, I just…some days I wish I’d stayed. Instead of going back for college.”

Gramps’s eyes focused on me, and I could tell he was listening intently. I could almost see him thinking, fighting to remember. He squeezed my hand. Took a couple of deep breaths. “Cade.” His voice was sandpaper, rough and thin.

“That’s me, Gramps.” I laughed, a thick, teary sound. God, I was about to cry like a baby. Again.

He clutched my hand, adjusting his grip so he was holding my hand as if about to arm-wrestle me. Pulled me close. He was Gramps again, lucid. “Time…to say. Goodbye.”

I cracked, my knees faltered. “No, Gramps. You’re gonna be fine.”

He shook his head. “Tired.” He glanced at Grams. “Have a moment. Alone. With…Cade?”

Grams let out a shaky breath. “Sure thing, Con. I’ll be just outside. Don’t you run away, now, you hear?”

He smiled at her, more with his eyes than anything else. When she was gone, he returned his gaze to mine. “Now. Talk.” It was an order, more like the old, strong, stern Gramps than ever.

“About what?”
 

“You. Hurt.” He bumped my chest with our joined hands. “Dyin’. Ain’t…blind.”

“You’re not dyin’, Gramps. You ain’t allowed to.” I smiled at him. “Besides, I’m fine.”

He blinked several times. Took several long breaths as if gathering strength. “Bullshit.”

I laughed. “All right, Gramps. Never could lie to you for shit.” I intended to give him a Cliff’s Notes version, heavily edited. “I got married. To that girl I was pen pals with. Ever. We eloped. It was…sudden. Just leave it at that. Only person there was her sister, her twin. Well, the night before Christmas, the one before last…we got in a car accident. Bad. Real bad. I broke my leg so bad I’ve got all sorts of rods and pins. Tore my arm up good. Concussion. But Ever, she…she’s in a coma. Been in a coma for—for—the entire time. A year and a half.”

“I remember. Just took me a minute.” Gramps blinked at me. “You got…shit luck.”

“No kidding,” I said, and then laughed bitterly. “Shittiest luck. Everyone…everyone fuckin’ dies. Except Ever? She’s not dead. Not alive. Not either.” This wasn’t what I’d meant to say. It just poured out. “And it’s…it’s tearing me up, Gramps. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

He let go of my hand, extended his index finger, and thumped my chest, hard. “Monroe.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m a Monroe. But what if that…what if that ain’t enough?” I always slipped into talking like Gramps whenever I was with him. “I—I fucked up, Gramps.”

“How?”

“I’ve been…so alone. And it’s making me crazy. I can’t stand it. I had no one…no one to talk to. No one to tell me what
 
was right or wrong. I’ve been so lost. And the only person around was…Ever’s sister. I messed up, Gramps. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if she’ll ever wake up. If I’ll ever get her back. If I do, how do I tell her what I did? How could she ever forgive me? I can’t even forgive myself.” I choked on a sob. “Fuck. Listen to me, dumping all this bullshit on you. What the hell is wrong with me? You don’t need to hear this. You need to get better.”

“You done—what you done. If you…love her, you’ll do what’s—what’s right. In the end. She loves you, she’ll forgive you. Won’t forget, but she’ll…forgive.”

“What if she doesn’t?” I bowed my head, unable to look at him. “You don’t know what I did.”

Gramps didn’t answer for a long time. He seemed to be thinking, and gathering his strength. “After Korea. Was Reserves. Got…called up. For training…maneuvers. Virginia.” He stared up at the ceiling. “Went out with buddies. Got…got drunk. Met a girl. Susie. Messed up. More than once before I…rotated home. Told your Grams. Six months…she went back to her…her folks. For six months. She came back. Forgave me. Ain’t forgot…even now. But forgave.”

“How?”

“Women are…stronger. Than men. Ask her how. I couldn’t’ve…done the same. I’m too…selfish.”

“Gramps, Jesus. I never knew. You and Grams, you love each other so much. Even back then, you said, when I was talking about staying on with Luisa, that you—you knew how much you loved Grams from the start.”

“Being apart. It…fucks with your…your head.” He gasped, struggled to get the words out, one by one. “Makes you do…stupid things.” He gripped my hand. “You’re…better. Than that. Own up. I…believe. In you.”

“I don’t know how to come back from this. How can I say I love her when I did what I did? It wasn’t just once, Gramps.”

“Sometimes…in life…the only thing you can do is hope…tomorrow will be…better. Than today. Eventually…it will be.”

“I’ve been hoping for almost two years. Fuck, I’ve been hoping since Mom died. When I found Ever, when we discovered love…I thought I’d come to a better tomorrow. Things were good. But…then it was taken away. Just like everyone has been taken away from me. Everyone.”

Gramps took my hand, put it on his heart. I felt the faint
thumpthump…thumpthump
under my palm. “Keep…believing. Hold on. Just hold on. One—one breath a time.”
 

“I’m trying.”

“‘Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.’”

 
I laughed, genuinely laughed. “Gramps. Did you just quote
Star Wars
at me?”

“That little green guy. Said a lot of true things.”

I rested my forehead on the back of the hand holding his. “I love you, Gramps.”

“I love you, too, son.” He put his other hand on the back of my head. “I want you to go. You’ve said goodbye…too many times.”

“No.
No.
”

He mussed my hair, his hand weak, barely moving now. “Obey me. One last time. Go. I love you. Always.”

“No. Fuck. No. I can’t…not you, too.”

“My time, son.” He patted my cheek, and I lifted my head to look at him. My face was wet. “She’ll forgive you. Just give her time.”

I leaned down onto Gramps, fists clenched against his now-frail chest. He patted my hair, my back. “I love you, Gramps. So much.”

“Love you, too, son. Now go. Send in Beth.”

I stood up, wiped my face. Straightened my back. Shuffled backward, eyes on Gramps. “’Bye, Gramps. I’ll see you later.”

He just nodded.
 

I turned and left. Grams was sagged against the wall, looking as old and frail as Gramps. She took one look at me, wrapped her arms around my middle, and held on. Minutes passed. I couldn’t make myself let go. When I did, she wiped at my cheek.
 

“Don’t cry, Cade.” She lifted up on her toes and kissed my cheek. “You’ll be okay.”

“How did you forgive Gramps? When he came back from Virginia?” The question emerged without warning.

She didn’t flinch, didn’t blink. Just sighed. “It was hard. Took some time. But I did. If you love someone enough, you give them as many chances as they need to get it right. Connor loved me. I knew he did. And I knew I loved him. We made it work, one day at a time. He never went anywhere without me after that, though. Even into Casper, we always went together. You just make it work. Forgiveness is hard, Cade. It doesn’t come easy. Feeling love is easy. Living love,
that’s
the hard part. She loves you, she’ll forgive you, no matter what you did.” She looked up at me. Her eyes were sharp and knowing. “But first, you have to forgive yourself.”