After Forever Ends (45 page)

“What can we do?” Ed asked seriously, “Oliver, you know him best. Tell us how to help our son.”

“Be here for him. Stand back and watch him and be ready to catch him when he falls. He‘s going to fall hard, too. It‘ll take all of us.”

So we did. We stood back and we watched him fall.

Melissa came and went in our daily lives. Eddie tried his best to stay friendly, but Ana was losing her patience. She had the instinct that all good mothers have, that urge to protect her babies no matter if they were children or grown men. I know Alexander kept much of what went on in his marriage to himself, and especially from her, but she was his mother and she could see the stress on his face and feel the pain in his heart whether he told her about it or not. And Oliver, bless his heart, couldn’t look his mother in the eye and tell her lies.

“He’s all right, Mum,” He reminded her one afternoon in the kitchen after Alex had left in a hurry, “He’s doing his best. He’s spread too thin, but he’s all right. Believe me, if he wasn’t I’d make sure to correct the situation.”

“I know you would, Oliver,” She clicked her tongue, “He’s just not himself. Where’s his fire? Where’s his spark? This isn’t like him. He’s not my Xander anymore,” She looked as if she were about to cry, but she didn’t, “I miss my son, Oliver. I miss your brother. I miss Alexander.”

“He hasn’t gone anywhere,” Ollie wrapped her in his arms, “He’s just trying too hard.”

Oliver was compensating, making excuses, and I knew it, but I said nothing. Oliver was hurting as well. He missed his brother, too. We all did.

Melissa had discovered she was pregnant again five months after Caro was born. Oliver came home one night after visiting their flat and told me he was certain she was going to fling herself out in front of a train.

“Oh, she’s not pleased,” He shook his head, “You’d think she found out she’s dying.”

“How’s Alexander?”

“He’s fine about it. He’s a bit surprised, but he’s taking it in stride. I don’t know about the two of them, Love. There’s real trouble over there.”

“Like that’s any kind of a shock,” I mumbled.

I saw Melissa a few days later and gave her my congratulations. She screwed her pretty face up into a smile and thanked me, but she said, “I really wasn’t ready for this,” As she pushed her blonde hair behind her ear, “I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“Not much of a choice now,” I returned her smile, “If you need anything, let me know, right?” I was trying to be cordial for Xander’s sake. He had pulled so far away from his support system that I didn’t want to give him any more of a reason to leave us than he had. I wasn’t going to create a problem and take the chance of him ultimately choosing her over us.

Melissa nodded and hurried off to work.

I couldn’t understand why she was so stressed out about her pregnancy. If I’d been pregnant again I’d have been doing cartwheels and dancing with joy, but I was becoming more and more aware that everything stressed her out. Melissa and I had an odd relationship. It was obvious that she despised me. She made comments to Ana and Edmond about me that were quite out of line, but there were other times when she was friendly and kind. She could really be very sweet at times, but the fact that she could be so nasty made me think that all of her good traits were nothing more than a manipulation to get what she wanted. I ignored her more than anything. I knew I had the upper hand because she was well aware that I was firmly entrenched in that family and any wrong move could land her square on her bum.

Having another baby seemed to be enough to change her attitude and she started coming around more, being friendlier with me, and allowing Alex more freedom with his brother. It was enough for me to back off just a bit. She toed the line just to where I didn’t see any need to carry out my threat of death upon her. Alex wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t exactly miserable either. For some inexplicable reason, he actually loved that girl. I’d never seen him so attentive, so affectionate and selfless with any woman. And, believe me, I’d seen Alexander with more than a few women. He adored her, even if everyone else would have helped her pack and taken her out to her car at any given second if it meant she was leaving. And sometimes when she was with him you could see that she adored him as well, that she trusted him much in the same way that I trusted Oliver. When they weren't fighting you could tell that they were friends. The problem was that they fought too frequently to see that very often.

Still, it was there, in their intimate moments when they thought no one was watching. When he'd take her hand and kiss her fingers, when he'd touch her belly and smile and when she'd stand on the tips of her toes to whisper in his ear and they'd laugh softly over a private joke. I saw it. I knew it was real. Whatever it was between them, whether anybody else understood it or not, it was real.

Melissa got on with Oliver all right, but she harboured a deep and obvious resentment for me, even if she did her best sometimes to hide it. I, of course, did nothing at all to better the situation. Truth be told, I egged her on much of the time. I might have backed off if she ever showed even the slightest interest in her husband or child, but she didn’t. She pawned both of them off as often as she could and then got catty and jealous about them. I felt like I was on the opposite end of a tug of war with Alex in the middle. He didn’t quite understand why we fought over him, but I did.

As far as I was concerned, I had more of a claim to Melissa’s husband than she did. Alexander and I had known each other for far too many years. We were close, the best of friends long before she washed in with the tide. It wasn’t that I had a problem sharing him. It wasn’t that I was jealous because he went home to be with her and their son at night now instead of coming to visit Oliver and me. It was none of the things that she might have thought it was. It was not an ownership issue at all. It was because Alexander was my family and she had no business coming along and trying to drive a wedge between us. The scars of my early childhood and the fear of losing somebody I loved still ran deep within me.

At the time I really didn't understand what her problem was. Her rapid mood swings, her uncanny ability to be the warmest, engaging person in the world one moment and the next to be a screaming lunatic who took swings at her husband for no valid reason at all. I didn't understand why she seems so unwilling to make a change for herself in an effort to improve her marriage or, especially, why she didn't apply more interest in being a mother to her son.

Alexander was the one who took the biggest role with the parenting. In fact, it was Alexander who took the biggest role with everything. After she was let go from her job, Melissa didn’t work again. Alex would call me sometimes during the day and ask me if I’d pop in and check on her. I never asked him why because I knew he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, but I knew as well it was because he was worried. Not about her, but about Nigel. Every time I’d walk through the door, pretending to be friendly, she’d greet me with absolutely no emotion and let me enter. She’d head straight back to the sofa and return to watching whatever programme was on the tele without almost no further word to me. The house was always a disaster. Toys and food and empty dishes littered the tables and floor. Dirty clothes were everywhere, as were scattered baby bottles and tins. Bags of rubbish sat beside overflowing bins. Alexander was many things, but a lazy slob was not one of them. He'd never been afforded the luxury, not by his mother and certainly not by his school. Didn’t she do a thing? Even a simple, single thing?

There would be Nigel wading through it all, always smiling at me when he’d see me, running to me with his little arms in the air. Half the time he’d be dirty and his nappy would be soiled. I’d take him to the bath and play with him in the tub with his little floating frogs and duckies, get him dressed properly and have him help me tidy the house a bit before his father came home. Melissa would sit on the sofa without a word and let me do it, too. Oh, how I wanted to take him home with me! And sometimes I would.

“Melissa,” I’d say on the days when I couldn’t stand it, after I’d pulled a clean nappy on to his bum, “Do you want me to take Nigel off your hands? I can give Xan a ring and have him pick him up on his way home. I‘m sure Ana would love to see him…”

“Sure,” She’d say with no interest, never looking away from the television screen, “Whatever.”

I wanted to bash her head. Here she had this lovely husband who’d do anything plus put up with her nonsense and a beautiful son, a roof over her head, and people who genuinely would have welcomed her into their family. With all of that, all she could do was sit and sulk and think of only herself.

So I’d take her son with me and bring him either to my house or to his grandmother’s where he’d be safe and paid proper attention to, at least for a couple of hours.

Whether it was due to boredom, narcissism, or to ease financial issues, Melissa eventually made a connection with the gentleman who owned an upscale pub on the edge of town. Even being pregnant, he hired her on the spot to work full time during the days. This seemed to bring her mood up a bit and she lunged at the opportunity. Her immediate inclination was to put Nigel into a nursery. I wasn’t happy about the idea, but I didn’t say anything. Alex, however, would have nothing to do with it.

He came to the cabin one evening alone with Nigel. He seemed upset, but was obviously doing his best to hide it. Finally, after we'd had dinner together and he'd loosened up a bit, he looked at me from across the table, “Sil,” He seemed almost hesitant; “I have to ask you something. I don't want to put you out. I know you have your own thing you do here and you have Caro and everything, but I don't want Nigel in a nursery. They're germy places and I don't think the children get enough one on one attention.”

“What about your mum?” I knew where he was going, “Don't you think she'd want to keep him?”

Alex blinked, “My mum's getting on, yeah? She might do all right with him a day or two a week, I reckon, but I don't think she could keep up with him full time.”

I broke into a huge smile, “I'll do it then! I'll be Nigel's Nanny!”

Alexander's shoulder slumped as if an enormous weight had just come off his back. He let out a long breath and grinned like I hadn't seen him grin in ages, “Will you really?”

“Don't be stupid,” I told him. “I'll do it for free.”

“No, I'll pay you.” He insisted.

“Whatever!” I was chuffed to buggery that he'd asked me, “I don't care!”

It was silly of him to think that I might have said no. I was as in love with Nigel as I was Carolena. The little man was so adorable, dark hair, dark eyes, dimpled smile. He’d take three steps, fall on his bum and laugh about it. He was a shrunken version of a drunk and happy Alex. I took him on immediately. It was a trick keeping him in line sometimes, but I learned quickly that the best thing to do with him was to make him a part of every little thing I did from changing Caro’s nappies to pulling weeds to making lunch. We got on with no problems.

Melissa didn’t work on Wednesdays, so on that day it was just me and Carolena. I'd take her shopping sometimes, but mostly we spent those days quietly, just her and I playing in the garden and waiting for her daddy to come home from work. That particular day we'd gone to the book shop in Newtown and I'd bought a book by Michio Kaku I was just dying to read. I was sitting with her in the glider, resting my chin against her cheek while she slept, turning pages with one hand when the phone rang. Thankfully, Caro was a heavy sleeper and didn’t stir as I lay her on the couch to answer.

“Hello?”

“Silvia!” It was Edmond. His voice was thick and hard, as if he'd swallowed a chunk of bread and was ignoring the pain it caused, “Do you have a key to Alexander’s flat?”

“Yes.”

“Get in your car and get over here right now!” It was command. There was no room for question or argument inside of it.

“Why? What’s wrong?” A horrible feeling spread through me. “Where are you?”

I could hear Ana in the background, her voice shrill with terror, “Does she have one? Oh! Thank God! Tell her to get here!”

“I'm standing in front of Alexander's flat. We just saw Melissa!” His voice was like ice, “She was in town without Nigel.”

“Where’s Nigel?” I remember staring at the screen saver on the computer. The words “Cymru Am Byth” danced about it, huge silver letters that had no meaning to me at that moment. The second I asked the question I knew the answer.

Somehow Eddie knew I knew it because he never answered me. Instead, he said, “I’d kick the door in, but I’m afraid I’ll hurt him! We can hear him! Ana’s talking to him through the window, but he’s going back and forth trying to let us in! He can’t unlatch the door! I’d call for a locksmith, but they might call the authorities and Alexander…”

“I’ll be right there! Keep him at the window!”

My heart pounded so hard I heard it in my ears. All the shit lying around that flat he might have gotten into flashed through my mind. Things he may have shoved into sockets, things he may have cut himself with or swallowed. He was alone in there! All alone!

“Oh, Nigel!” I sucked back my panic and my tears of stress and terror, “Nigel, be safe! I’m coming, Baby…be all right!”

I scooped up Carolena and tossed her into her car seat, more or less ignoring her as she protested. We were off in a blink. I didn't even bother putting on my shoes, but tossed them on to the front seat. I didn't even shoo Duncan from the car as he leapt in and made himself at home of top of them. I just got in and drove. I had never been so afraid in my entire life. I had never driven those paths so quickly. I literally caught air coming off some of the hills and refused to yield on the one way paths, instead laying on my horn and waving frantically for the other drivers to get out of my way. I'd never sped the way I did on the way into town. I watched the speedometer click over 140kph and still kept pressing down on the accelerator until I screamed to a stop at the garden gate.

Eddie met me at the road. “Thank God! Silvia! “