After Forever Ends (44 page)

“…and how to listen to the winds…”

“And the whispers…”

“We’re going to take such good care of you, Muffin, and give you so much love!”

“And we’re all going to have so much fun, Carolena.” Oliver yawned and leaned his head against mine, “We’re going to be the first ones to show you how to laugh until it aches…”

“And how to hold your sides so you can laugh more still.”

“Yes,” Oliver kissed the top of my head and rested his cheek against it, “We really are going to have loads and loads of fun.”

I was falling asleep. I could tell Oliver was, too. Caro was already long gone.

“Thank you, Just Silvia,” Oliver whispered into my hair as he slumped against me. “She’s perfect. She’s absolutely, unbelievably flawless.”

“You’re welcome,” I think I answered him before I was asleep, but I’m not sure.

It took a couple of weeks, but how beautiful she became! Carolena didn’t look like an ape at all once she got done being all squished. She looked like a right little lady, all chubby and full of toothless smiles.

When Carolena was born she had a head full of dark brown hair and we were sure she looked like her father. Within a week or so, however, it all fell out and was replaced with a coat of orange peach fuzz. That peachy fuzz soon became tiny auburn locks which grew quickly into great spiral curls almost the exact colour of shiny copper. Her eyes, however, were a deep cocoa brown that shined in the light, just like her daddy’s. She was our perfect combination, our little chocolate dipped cherry muffin. She was more wonderful than we’d ever hoped she’d be.

Carolena was a happy baby. She spent her time doing what all happy babies do…eating, sleeping, messing nappies, spitting up and laughing at her parents. She had a lot to laugh at, no doubt, because we had no idea of what we were doing and were always teasing each other about it. In particular, though, she found her grand mum to be extremely entertaining. Ana could not walk into a room without Caro bursting into a fit of giggles. It was obvious she stole her Nana's heart from the word go.

“She’s the best present ever!” Ana told me on her birthday when we’d stopped by to wish her well. She was holding the baby’s bottle as Caro stared intently into her eyes, “Four months old already, she is! I have a granddaughter! After years of nothing but stinky, naughty boys, finally a sweet baby girl! What a relief!” Caro giggled and spat milk everywhere. Ana’s smile widened, “And look! Everything’s a blasted joke to her! Bless her! She gets that from her dad!”

Oliver started taking Caro outside as soon as he felt it was warm enough for her to go. Most of the time she would look about in fascination at the sun sparkling through the leaves or she would sleep on her daddy’s shoulder as he walked her around. Sometimes we would take her out and lay her on a blanket with Duncan, who boldly protected her from the flies by snapping them before they landed, while Oliver and I sat and talked about our life and our thoughts. We made sure that we didn’t lose touch with each other as he became more and more busy at work and I became more and more focused on the baby. We’d stay up late at night and made love under that woollen blanket and then lie close together and watch the stars in the sky through the window in our room. That was our time, when it was quiet everyone else was asleep. That was when we were able to make the whole world disappear and have it be just the two of us, like we knew it was always meant to be.

“I love you, Just Silvia,” He’d whisper, “I’m so glad you’re mine.”

We were so young and so in love. Life was nearly perfect.

For us, at least it was. But not for Alexander. His life was unstable to say the least. He had gotten a position with a small architecture firm and was getting great experience, but wasn’t making much money. He, Melissa and Nigel were still living in their tiny flat and the stress of the small quarters combined with the constant financial strain and pressures of a baby seemed to be taking a toll on them.

Oliver thought that it might be good to have us all go out on a Saturday night. I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be in close proximity with Melissa, but at the same time I missed my brother and wanted to spend time with him any way I could. We made arrangements to meet with the two of them at a nice restaurant at seven and were still sitting at the table alone when eight rolled round.

Oliver checked his watch, “I guess it’s our date then,” He smiled at me over the candle, “Although it’s not like Alexander to be late to a good time.”

I nodded and glanced toward the door, “I suppose they’re not coming? I’m starving, Ollie. Can we order now?”

It was just after our food arrived that Alexander made his appearance. It was obvious that there was something wrong as he slipped into the chair opposite his brother. “Sorry I’m late,” He didn’t try to hide his obvious annoyance. I noticed his cheeks were flushed and the collar of his shirt was flipped up as if to hide his neck. He flicked a glance in my direction and didn’t smile. “Hi, Sil. You look nice.”

I wasn't sure he'd even really seen me.

“No worries,” Oliver assured him, not bothering to smile, either, “Where’s your wife?”

Alex hesitated for just a second as he lifted his menu, “I don’t know,” He motioned to the server, “Can I get a whiskey, please? No ice.”

Uh-oh. Whiskey no ice. Trouble in paradise, that was. I glanced at Oliver and noticed that he had not even touched his plate. I watched the two of them stare at each other, lost in one of those silent conversations they were so famous for leaving me out of. Their dark eyes darted against each other and I knew that there were things that I didn't know.

I despised it when they would do that to me. It frightened me. I hated when there was something wrong and I couldn’t fix it…or worse, I wasn’t given the opportunity to try.

“You don’t know where your wife is?” I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud, interrupting their dialogue, but it was not a laugh like anything was funny at all. It was quite the opposite. “Well, where’s your son then?”

Alexander broke away from his brother and looked directly at me. The waitress returned with his drink and he thanked her without moving his eyes from my face. “Yes, Silvia, I said I don’t know where she is. Our son is with my mother. Thank you for your concern.”

“What’s wrong with your neck?” Those two were not going to leave me out of whatever was happening. Plus, if Alexander was going to be snippy with me I was going to give it right back to him, “Got a gigantic love bite, do you?”

“Tell her,” Oliver said in a low voice, taking a bite of his asparagus, “Or I’m going to.”

“Well,” Alex leaned back in the chair with his whiskey held in the palm of his hand, “Since you make it a point to make everything your business, especially things that are not, I’ll tell you. Just to shut you up.” He paused, waiting for my reaction. I gave him none, so he continued, “Melissa and I had a fight. Melissa and I fight a lot, actually, and sometimes it’s worse than others. Tonight we had a fight about coming here with the two of you. She didn't want to come. I did. She told me to make a choice between the two of you and her. I chose the two of you. She chose to take my car and drive away with it, which is why I am so late. I walked from Mum‘s.”

“So what’s with your neck then?”

“Oh,” He looked toward the ceiling casually and took a sip of his drink before he turned back to me, “She scratched me.” He turned down his collar so I could see three long, red claw marks that ran from his clavicle almost to his jaw. The skin wasn't broken, but you could see clearly where the blood had risen beneath it to just below the surface.

I gasped. We were all silent for a moment, except for the clink of Alex setting his now empty whiskey glass on the table.

“She does this a lot then?” I couldn’t believe it, “She scratches you?”

Xander’s eyes narrowed, “Sometimes. But, listen,” He leaned forward, “I’m hungry and I’m looking to get drunk, so let’s not discuss the blackness that becomes my life. Tell me about your perfect world, you two.”

There was so much acid in his voice that I found myself looking down at my plate. I was suddenly not at all hungry.

What a horrible dinner. Alexander ate nothing and got drunk on whiskey. Oliver was unnaturally quiet and didn't drink at all and me, I just seethed.

I couldn't remember ever hating anybody as much as I hated Melissa. Alex was many things. He could be rude, snide, cold, and plain old scrupleless, but beneath it all he had a heart as big as the sea and a kindness that was unforgettable if he ever chose it to show you. But even more than that, when Xander loved somebody, he loved them deeply, endlessly, and there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for the object of that affection. Alexander loved his family. He loved his parents and he loved me as his sister, but he especially loved Oliver. The connection those two had was something that can't really be quantified. It was psychic, like they shared not only the same interests, but in many ways, the same mind. They were a permanent part of each other. Making him choose between her and Oliver went beyond cruel and unfair. It was sinful.

But she did. She made him choose and it went on like that. The times when he'd choose her, she didn't have an outburst. The times when he'd choose Oliver, she would. Seeing me was completely out of the question, even with Oliver, but it did happen from time to time. It hurt, knowing he was choosing her over me, knowing that I could be let go like that. I knew Xander didn't mean anything by it. I knew in his mind it was a temporary solution. I knew as well that he knew I knew it. He expected me to know it and be patient with him, so I was. But it didn't make it hurt any less. That old sense of shame, of abandonment, of not being good enough or worthy of love, bubbled up from deep within and took its familiar spot as a sickening brick sitting in my stomach.

I'd see Xander on occasion when he came by to collect his brother or on visits at their parent's house. He was usually alone. He seemed fine, but there was a tension about him that was different from the man we knew. Sometimes it was unavoidable not to have us all in the same place, Melissa included. She was both distant and pouting or appeared perfectly normal and engaged us all in conversation, but her mood could turn on a pin’s head and her anger was always aimed directly at Alexander. She made no secret when he displeased her. In fact, she seemed to find great pleasure in taking it out on him in public.

They had horrible fights. She'd hit him without hesitation. He never struck her back. Alex was constantly frustrated and on edge. It wasn't long before it took a physical toll. He had dark circles under his eyes and had lost weight. His mother was worried about him, his father was getting fed up with the fact that she was worried about him, and I was growing more and more upset with the situation. Oliver was the only one who kept his cool, exercising his unbelievable ability to trust that his brother would work everything out in the end.

But that didn't settle with me. He wasn’t the Xander I’d always known. He was quieter than usual, withdrawn, and I had the constant impression that he was keeping secrets. He’d show up with scratches on his arms and neck, sometimes his face, and once or twice a bruise. I knew Alex was a big, strong man and all of that, but, honestly, I worried about his physical safety. Melissa would fly into rages where she would not only hit, but she would throw things. I came to the flat once with Oliver to find a steak knife she had flung stuck into the wall above the stove in their kitchen. CD cases would be shattered, picture frames smashed. The rubbish bin was always full of broken items.

“This is mad!” I couldn't stand it. I could feel my face flushing red as I pointed to a broken mirror in the trash. “Are you waiting for her to kill you?”

“We haven’t got a gun,” He mumbled, “She’s not going to kill me.”

“Leave her.” I demanded

“Say that again,” His head snapped up. His deep brown eyes burned into mine, “And you’re the one who can leave, Silvia.”

“Fine!” I told him, snatching up my purse “You go ahead and keep her then! Let her ruin your life, but I’ll tell you one thing for nothing, Alexander Dickinson! If she hurts that baby I’ll kill her myself! Count on it!”

“Get out, Silvia,” He was looking straight at me, but his voice was a whisper, “I have more glass to clear.”

I stomped out and slammed the door while I was at it.

Oh, I hated that Melissa! I hated her for more reasons that I could count, but I hated her most for the affect she was having on the family.

“We need to do something!” Ana told us all one night while we were having supper at her house with her and Ed, “Some sort of intervention! Alex is in trouble!”

“He’s a grown man,” Eddie mumbled, but it was obvious he was upset as well. He rubbed his face with his palms and sighed.

“Oliver, tell us what’s really happening,” Ana looked at her son searchingly, “We all know you know! You always know! He’s keeping secrets! Keeping secrets from his mother!”

Oliver smiled an easy, natural smile, but I knew it was false, “Ah, Mum, Xander’s all right!” He coaxed, “Really! When hasn’t he had secrets?”

“Oliver, don’t try to make this less than it is!” She seemed near tears, “He's my son! He's my baby! Alexander might be a grown man, but he's still my baby!”

“Mum,” Ollie said gently, putting his hand over hers, “I’m not making it less than it is! I know he's your baby! He's my brother, too, yeah?” He patted her, “He's all right, really. It’s just that things aren’t good over there and he’s trying his best to make them better. He’s trying to focus on his family, on his own son. He’s not trying to leave you out. It’s nothing personal. Give him enough space to do what he has to do to sort it out.”

“It’ll never sort out,” I said quietly, “No matter what he does, it will never sort out.”

“He’s throwing himself away,” Ana was doing her best to keep her composure, “All for that girl!”

“He’s throwing his time away,” Ollie agreed, “But I don’t think he’ll throw away his life. He feels responsible for her. For her and Nigel. They’re his family whether we like her or not.”