After I Fall (15 page)

“I know. And I meant it really wasn’t a problem.”

I gave him a quizzical look. I couldn’t imagine a lot of other guys being totally cool with babysitting five year-old, sometimes high-maintenance twins.

He laughed at the look I gave him. “I don’t have any brothers or sisters. It was actually kind of fun.”

I glanced at the clock. “We should find a movie or something. It’ll probably be another hour or two until Mom and Phillip get home.”

“Yeah…huh,” Eric said. “So your mom? She kind of hates me?”

I cursed myself for forgetting and bringing my mother up.

“She doesn’t hate you. She doesn’t even know you.” I kept my tone light, hoping that I was reassuring.

“In this case,” he wondered, “is there really a difference?”

I avoided his question. “It doesn’t matter what she thinks. She’s wrong. She also thinks I secretly aspire to be just like her. But that, again, I’m too rebellious to admit it. I do not aspire to be like my mother. I want to be the opposite of my mother.”

The way he looked at me let me know that he wasn’t convinced.

“Look, Eric, can we not talk about my mom?”

“Sure.”

He was quiet for awhile.

“So can we talk about you?” he asked.

“What about me?” Judging by the way he was looking at me I decided it was nothing good.

“Is she right? Are you just with me because you’re being rebellious?”

“Do I look like the rebellious type?”

He didn’t smile at my lame attempt at a joke.

“No,” I said seriously, “there’s no truth to that at all. I like you.”

He bit his lip and looked as though he were thinking my words over.

“I like you too,” he quietly admitted. “I like you a lot.”

“A lot?” I pressed with a smile.

“Maybe even a whole lot,” he said as he leaned in. His breath felt warm against my cheek.

My eyes fluttered closed and I leaned forward, so sure he was going to kiss me. When he didn’t I leaned back to get a good look at him.

He took my hands in his.

“I meant what I said. But I don’t want to come between you and your mom. Does she not want us dating?”

I shrugged and I felt my irritation spike. “I thought we agreed not to talk about my mom. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t care what she thinks.”

“What if I care?” he asked earnestly.

What was I supposed to say to that? I couldn’t just tell him that he was right. Mom probably didn’t like him but it was through no fault of his. That was all on her.

“Phillip likes you,” I heard myself say.

I was surprised to hear him chuckle.

“And you care about what Phillip thinks?”

I was even more surprised by my answer to his question. “Yeah,” I said, “I guess I do.” For the last few weeks I’d felt more comfortable around my stepfather than I did my own mother. I decided it was like choosing the lesser of two evils.

Maybe evil was too strong of a word. But the lesser of the two problematic adults. Now, as I thought about it, really thought about it, I realized that Phillip had grown on me.

“Well, I care about what your family thinks of me. Both Phillip and your mom. I mean, they don’t have to love me. But it would be nice if—”

They respected him?
I wondered if that was what he was going to say.

“Eric, I’m sorry. I haven’t told you a lot about my mom, but she can be really difficult. Half the time I feel like she doesn’t even like
me
.”

He gave me a skeptical look.

“It’s true. She’s constantly trying to change my hair, buy me better make-up, find me new friends,” I explained.

He gave me a playful smirk but it looked forced. “Find you a new boyfriend…”

“That’s just how she is. I don’t want you to worry about her. Or care what she thinks. I just want you to care about what I think.” I gave him a nudge and a smile.

“And what do you think?” he asked.

“I think I like
you
a whole lot too.”

“What is this?” Mom asked with a scowl.

The blanket that comprised the fort was hanging askew. The items inside were strewn about, leaking onto the floor.

Eric had left before they returned. I’d fallen asleep on the couch. Now it was Mom’s face I was waking up to. I scrubbed at my eyes as I sat up.

“A fort,” Phillip said with a grin. “Man, I used to love making those things!”

Mom turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

He shrugged. “I did.”

“Well, it’s an eyesore,” Mom argued. “I’ll have the girls clean it up first thing in the morning.”

“They’ll be bummed,” I said. “Eric helped them build it and they loved it.”

Mom didn’t look particularly impressed.

“I think it’s great!” Phillip interjected. “I think we should keep it up.”

“What? Why?” Mom demanded.

“You heard EmLynn. The girls like it. It lets them use their imagination. I think we should keep it. At least for a little while,” he said.

Mom looked at the tent. It was filled with books, blankets, pillows and a few more of the girls’ favorite things. Some of them were, most of them, were creeping out from the tent and edging into the middle of the room.

“We’ll just keep the door to the den closed,” Phillip compromised. “What will it hurt? If they don’t play in it, we’ll have them pick it up then.”

Mom made a dismissive gesture with her hands. “Fine.”

“How did everything go?” Phillip asked.

“Great,” I said. “Madison wanted to know what ‘cadoodling’ meant.”

Phillip chuckled. “She did, did she? Where did she hear that?”

I turned to Mom who was looking at me with a frown.

I raised my eyebrows at her, silently asking if she’d figured it out. She remained silent so I decided to clue them both in. “It seems Mom was on the phone. She told whoever she was talking to that it was a disgrace that I was canoodling with the help.” I leveled my gaze on her. “You know little ears overhear everything. And you also know little mouths repeat everything. Did you say that in front of Madison on purpose? Were you hoping she’d repeat it in front of Eric? Did you want to make him feel bad?”

She scoffed at me and turned to Phillip. She clearly expected him to scoff as well.

He didn’t.

“Tori?”

“Oh please, you cannot be serious!” she said.

“If you were hoping she’d say it in front of Eric, you’ll be happy to know that she did.”

“Oh, EmLynn. I’m so sorry,” Phillip said. “I’ll have another talk with her. How did Eric react?”

I didn’t want to admit that his feelings were clearly hurt. Nor did I want to admit that if Mom had hoped to drive a wedge between us, she might have succeeded. It was a small wedge, but I felt it all the same. There was no way I was going to let her know that.

“I told him not to worry about it,” I evaded.

He turned to Mom. It was clear he had something to say. It was also clear that with me present, he was holding his tongue. Instead he simply shook his head. I’d never seen him look so disappointed in my mother.

“It was an accident! I didn’t know that Madison was there,” she insisted.

“I think the point,” Phillip said firmly, “is that it never should’ve been said at all.”

She hung her head contritely for a moment, as if she needed a few seconds to pull her thoughts together. “You’re right,” she finally said. “EmLynn, I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to Eric the next time I see him.”

“No. Don’t. I think it would just make it worse.” Somehow, an apology coming from my mother had a tendency to not feel like an apology at all.

“What would you like me to do then?”

“I would like you to back off.”

Phillip’s hand came up and he gently squeezed her shoulder. She glanced back at him and he smiled at the both of us. “Done,” he said. “Right, Victoria?”

She exhaled a pitiful sigh. “Of course.

I got to my feet. “I’m going to bed.”

“You’ll be in for breakfast?” Mom asked—commanded, really.

I waved my hand at her as I slipped into the hallway. “We’ll see.”

*   *   *

I didn’t make it into the house for breakfast. In fact, I left the house before lunchtime and managed to avoid my mom altogether. I met Eric at his house.

Lisa and Tim had a wedding to attend. They were gone by mid-afternoon. Eric and I had made good use of the lake. Before leaving, Lisa reminded us that the fridge was well stocked and we should just help ourselves.

So we did. It was the second time Eric had insisted on throwing together a meal for us. True, Lisa had most of it prepared. But Eric was a master sandwich maker.

Now it was evening and we were both dried off. Somehow we’d both managed to maneuver our way into the hammock that rested near the water’s edge. The sun was setting and it was beyond gorgeous.

Eric had one foot on the ground and we gently swayed as I snuggled into his chest.

“Where do you plan on going to college?” I asked. I cringed the moment the words were out. College was almost a year away. Was it obvious that I was asking, wondering where he would be a year from now? Was it obvious that I was wondering because I was hoping that I’d be there too?

He frowned and at first I thought it was because, yes, I was getting ahead of myself.

“College?” He said the word slowly, as if it were foreign to his tongue.

“
College
. You know, the place we go after high school?” I teased.

He remained silent and my teasing smile evaporated.

“Are you not planning on going?”

“Honest answer?” He shook his head. “I haven’t given it much thought.”

“You could go if you wanted to, right?”

He shrugged.

“Is it your grades?” I pressed. “If that’s the problem, you have a year to get them up. RHS actually has a tutoring center. Clara works there. Sweet girl, fantastic tutor, disgustingly smart.”

“My grades aren’t great,” he said. “But they’re not terrible either.”

I realized then what the problem was.

“Is it the cost?”

“You could say that.”

“Have you looked into financial aid? You could set up a meeting with a guidance counselor as soon as school starts.”

“Why are you pushing this? If I don’t go to college…I’m not good enough for you?”

It sounded like a sincere question. There was no edge to his tone, just curiosity.

“I didn’t say that,” I carefully answered. But after a moment’s thought I couldn’t just leave it at that. “Do you have something else in mind?”

He looked at me blankly.

“Because,” I continued, “not going to college is fine. As long as you have a backup plan. Or just…some kind of plan.”

He turned his head away from me and gazed out at the water.

Obviously he did not have a plan.

I decided to let the subject drop. We’d only been together a month. I didn’t want to pummel him with questions about the future.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean to be pushy. I was just curious. I get that it’s really none of my business.”

“No,” he said with a sigh. “It’s not that. I just really haven’t given it much thought. College has always just been something other people do. Kinda like it’s other people who live in nice houses, drive nice cars, and have real families.”

“You could have all of those things one day,” I carefully said. “You’ve got your whole life in front of you. Don’t box yourself into some preconceived notion of what the future is going to be. The future is wide open. For both of us.”

“Listen to you,” he teased. “Getting all philosophical.”

“Sorry.” I was smiling and I really wasn’t sorry at all.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Eric asked.

I smiled at the question. “Yes, please. I like your secrets.”

“You do realize,” he started with a laugh, “that I’m actually going to
tell
you something?”

He shifted around a bit. The hammock bounced under our weight. His arms tightened around me. For a few moments he didn’t say anything. The night air was filled with the sound of the water gently lapping against the shore. A symphony of frogs and crickets arose from nearby.

Now that the sun had dipped under, the sky would soon be dappled with stars.

I realized that learning about Eric might even be better—or at least as good as—kissing him.

“Tell me,” I softly commanded

“I was really nervous about coming here,” he finally said. “You always hear all of these horror stories about foster care. About how people are only in it for the money. You know? I figured I’d just accept my placement, go into wherever I was sent. I’d keep my head down, try to stay out of trouble and just count down the days until my eighteenth birthday.”

I reached over and took his free hand in mine. I looped my fingers around his. “That had to be really stressful. Not knowing anything about the family you were going to be living with. I can’t imagine.”

I realized then how lucky I was. With my dad’s death looming over me for so long, I had always known in the back of my mind I’d end up living with Mom and Phillip. I’d hated the idea. But really, I had been lucky. Despite how mixed up my emotions had been all these months, I realized how lucky I was to have family to go to. A family that loved me, no less, even if their methods of showing it were sometimes less than desirable. A sudden wave of guilt coursed through me. I realized how much I’d taken it all for granted.

“And now?” I asked. “How do you feel about everything?”

I was surprised when he laughed quietly.

“Honestly? That first day…,” I felt him shake his head. “I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what The System was like.” I smiled because I could hear in his tone that he thought of The System, as if it was its own entity. “But really, when my caseworker pulled up in front of the Zierden’s I felt like I’d stepped into the Twilight Zone. The house was nice, yeah. But it was them. Before her car was even parked the front door flew open. They both came out to greet me. They were both smiling like they were happy to have me.” He was quiet for a long time. Finally he said, “No one has ever been happy to have me. It was…weird. Like the Twilight Zone, I’m telling you.”

I was quiet for a moment. He’d never really spoken about his family much. I knew that his uncle had cut him off. But it sounded as if he must not have been close to his parents either.

“You should get used to that,” I said. “Knowing that people are happy to have you around. Because you know you can add me to that list.”

He pressed a kiss to my temple. He gave the hammock another gentle push with his foot. I took advantage of the motion and rolled into him, snuggling a little closer.

“What happened after that?” I asked. “After you got dropped off, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I don’t mind.”

But I thought maybe he did because he was quiet so long I thought maybe he’d decided not to tell me.

“It’s hard to explain,” he finally said. “I mean, without really knowing where I come from, I just don’t know if you’d get it.”

“Try me,” I urged. “I didn’t come from here, either. I didn’t grow up here.”

He laughed lightly but this time, it had a sarcastic edge to it. “I know that. That’s not really what I meant. You didn’t grow up
where
I did either. Or
how
I did.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word on that.”

“So I walk in,” he said as he quickly changed the subject, “and the whole house smells like chocolate chip cookies. Lisa gave me the tour. We walk through the kitchen and there’s cookies and homemade bread. She has a roast in the oven. I just kind of shook my head to myself because I thought only people on TV lived that way. Then she brings me to my room and the carpet is like, so thick my feet just sunk into it. My bed is this crazy, huge four poster bed with matching dressers. I felt like I’d just walked into some alternate universe.

“The next morning, she has this huge breakfast made. When we’re done eating she insists on taking me shopping. I mean, I couldn’t tell her no. She spent so much money, she had to have blown more than an entire month’s check from the state on me. She bought me clothes and had me pick out cologne. She gave me a cell phone. I mean, it’s not mine to keep. She just added me to her plan so I’d be able to get a hold of them whenever I needed. It was just crazy.”

“It sounds nice,” I said.

“It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people are just…
nice
. You know? And they’re nice because they want to be. Not because they get anything out of it. Does that make sense?”

I nodded. “It does.” My thoughts automatically went to Phillip. What he had done for me…and my dad. He had paid an exorbitant amount of money for me to keep my car. And he never wanted me to know.

“All they expect from me are the basics. Keep my room presentable. Show up for dinner on time. Let them know where I am. They did insist I get a job. That’s why Lisa had that job lined up for me at the country club. Both of them are big on responsibility,” he said.