After the Rain: My America 2 (4 page)

"Or she will smite all the love in you," she said.

I nodded and felt so afraid I could scarcely breathe. When I found my voice again, I asked about Pa, Jane Ellen, and Jed. Could Madame
Masha tell me what was going to happen to them?

She nodded slowly. "Great change is coming," she said, "great change is coming."

I was very relieved to hear this.

Then she said, "Now go home and take your bread back to your family."

Goodness! How did she know the bread was for my family?

I gave her ten cents. Then I ran all the way home. I ran as if my family's lives depended on the bread I was carrying.

As I ran, my heart felt as if it might burst. I had a horrible fear that my family might not be there when I got home. I feared I might have lost them all. The goddess Envy might have slain them already!

When I came through the door, relief flooded over me. Everyone seemed fine. Jane Ellen was reading the newspaper. Pa was writing
out some music. Jed was boiling water for coffee.

I broke into tears, and everyone looked at me with alarm.

"I'm sorry!" I cried out. "I've been terrible and mean, and I'm sorry! I love you all! Please forgive me! Please!"

I threw myself onto Pa and cried my heart out. He just held me tightly as I tried to explain how I had envied Mrs. Porter's grandchildren and how I had wanted to go to the theater and have fancy clothes and a beautiful house. I told them that I had been feeling mean and spiteful. And I was so sorry!

Pa gently helped me onto the sofa. He covered me with a blanket and told me he'd always love me no matter what I felt or did. He told me he never thought of me as mean and spiteful. He said I always seemed brave and kind to him.

Then Jed sat with me. He said he imagined that Abraham Lincoln himself must have felt great envy as a child. After all, his family had been very poor. His mother had died, and he'd lived in a humble log cabin. But look at him today, Jed said. He is the most powerful person in all the land. His envy did not harm him at all. "And it will not harm you," he said.

Later, Jane Ellen sat beside me and stroked my hair. She said that she understood quite well how I had been feeling. She said that she herself felt envy at times. She said we are only human and that God loves us even when we are full of discontent. She said God waits patiently for us to discover the wealth of love around us.

I clutched Jane Ellen's soft hand and held it to my cheek. And the greatest joy came over me. Not only was my family not harmed by my
meanness, they all understood it in their own way. And they all loved me no matter what.

I felt like the richest girl in the world.

February 17, 1865

Jed just got home and told us that the Union army has captured Columbia, South Carolina. The Confederate government in Richmond is starting to fall apart, too. The war may end soon.

This news has made me, Pa, Jed, and Jane Ellen happy. Tonight we all talked excitedly and looked at the map, and tried to figure out when the Confederates might surrender.

Hundreds of Confederates are deserting each day. They are flocking to Washington, eager to swear loyalty to the Union. On my way to and from work, I see them sleeping in the streets and alleyways. They look horribly worn and beaten down. It will be a great relief to everyone when we are one country again.

February 20, 1865

I feel as if I have just recovered from a bad illness. I work quickly in Mrs. Porter's house. I do not look at her grandchildren's photographs. I do not stare out the window and daydream about their lives. I race home each night to the ones I love.

I do not want Envy to attack me again and plant thorns in my heart.

Great news. Soon Jed will have a better job at the newspaper! Mr. Hoke has finally returned from Georgia. He was angry to learn that Jed had not been made a reporter right away. He said, "What a waste of great talent!"

Mr. Hoke promised that Jed will be writing news stories very soon.

We are all so happy about this change of events. Pa played his fiddle tonight, and we danced.

February 22, 1865

The last Confederate port in Wilmington, North Carolina, has fallen to Union forces.

The good news about Jed's job seems to have put a fire under Pa. He is planning to leave the house today for the first time in weeks. He says he will carry his violin around the city, looking for work again.

Evening

Pa just came home. He was in jolly spirits. He learned that Professor Withers, the orchestra conductor at Ford's New Theatre, will be holding auditions for a new violin player next week!

I pray to God and my mother in heaven to help Pa get the job.

We all had a cheerful discussion tonight about what to name our baby. If it's a girl, we thought it would be nice to name her after my mother, Elizabeth. If it's a boy, we thought perhaps Jonathan or Thomas. These two names are not for anyone in particular, just names that all four of us happen to like.

March 1, 1865

Hurrah! Pa got the job! He will be a violin player in Professor Withers's orchestra!

Our happiness had no bounds tonight. Pa played his violin, and Jed and I danced. Jane Ellen could only wave her arms, for she is quite big now.

Pa wants me to stop working at once.

I feel a pang of sorrow leaving Mrs. Porter.

But in truth, I have not seen her very much recently, as she has been spending a great deal of time in New York City.

I will give notice tomorrow. And I will go back to having school lessons with Jane Ellen. Pa says that by next year, I will be in a fine school.

Surprisingly, Jane Ellen feels better now. Though far along in her pregnancy, she no longer gets sick to her stomach. She laughs whenever she feels our baby kicking.

Great changes
have
come to all of us recently. Madame Masha is a genius!

March 2, 1865

Mrs. Porter was quite lovely about my leaving her employment. She wished me the best of luck and said I was a most admirable girl.

I'm glad she never knew how much I envied her grandchildren. She would have thought less of me, I fear.

March 3, 1865

Pa learned the most wonderful news of all today: He will be a substitute violin player with the Finley Hospital Band at the second inaugural ball! Their violin player is ill, so Pa will take his place just for the night.

The ball will be held at the Patent Office. Four thousand people are expected to attend!

And Jed will be reporting on the inauguration ceremony for the newspaper!

Great changes keep coming into our lives! Thank you, Madame Masha.

The town is crowded with people coming for the inauguration ceremony tomorrow.

Gloomy wet skies all day. But Pa and I went for a walk after dark. We heard bands playing lively music. Torches burned through the evening mist. On the roof of the Capitol a silver light shined on the American flag.

March 4, 1865

An early morning storm swept through the city, uprooting trees.

The dark clouds and wind did not stop us from going to see President Lincoln sworn in. Hundreds of people, including me and Pa, waded in the mud to the Capitol.

The steps of the Capitol were well guarded.

Only the press -- including Jed -- were allowed to stand on them.

Later, Jed told us that guards were also posted at roads and bridges, watching for sneaky-looking characters.

The President looked quite splendid in his plain black suit and white gloves.

By the time he spoke, the rain had stopped. The sun was shining. He called for a "just and lasting peace." He said we should "bind up the nation's wounds."

He kissed the Bible. Then he rode back to his mansion with Tad by his side.

I kept my own guards close by and would not allow that monster Envy to come near me. I was glad for Tad Lincoln. And for all of us. Abraham Lincoln is our father, too. He is the father of this whole nation.

Jed went to the White House last night to report on the reception for the President. He said hoards of people rushed in to shake hands with President Lincoln. As many as 6,000!

Now Jed's worrying about the President again. Jed said he looked feeble and thin.

March 6, 1865

Tonight, Pa plays at the inaugural ball. I begged him to let me go with him. He said I could not, but he'll wake me when he returns and will tell me all about it.

I told him to keep his eye out for Tad Lincoln.

Thousands of people went to the ball, Pa said. The band played waltzes and polkas. The ladies wore yellow and blue silk dresses. Their curls were powdered with silver dust.

Pa said everyone was especially cheerful. They all seem to believe the war will end very soon. "Imagine, the Patent Office was used for a hospital during the worst time of fighting," said Pa. "But tonight it was filled with music and lovely ladies."

When Pa spoke of the ladies, he sounded quite wistful. I think they reminded him of my mother. He met her long ago at a dance, when she wore a lovely gown and he was playing the violin.

Pa said everyone danced and danced. By the time the midnight supper was served, some guests had become too merry -- they behaved
in the wildest manner. They pounced on the food! They snatched whole chickens from the table! The floor became littered with cakes and broken dishes and glasses. There was even a big brawl in the kitchen, Pa said.

Pa never caught sight of Tad Lincoln, nor President and Mrs. Lincoln. But he said that it was a party he will never forget.

March 10, 1865

Every day more and more Rebs desert the Confederate army. They are all streaming into Washington. Pa and Jane Ellen think the war will end soon. The South has no more men to fight for it.

I must do all the cooking now. Jane Ellen is too tired to stand, and Pa and Jed are working long hours.

March 13, 1865

Jed saw President Lincoln today. He was riding in his carriage with Tad!

The President definitely needs a holiday, Jed said. He still looks very weary and thin.

March 20, 1865

I've not written in my journal for a week. I have been so busy. I must do all the housework and shopping now, as well as the cooking.

Our baby is due in less than six weeks. Jane Ellen is so big, she does not leave the house
at all. She moves very carefully and seems very thoughtful. This morning I overheard her talking in a soothing voice.

"Do not worry," she whispered. "The world will love you and embrace you when you come."

She is right. I don't think a little baby will ever be more welcomed. I pray every night for Jane Ellen to be safe, and our baby, too.

April 3, 1865

Today newsboys shouted, "Richmond has fallen! The capital of the Confederacy in ruins! Union troops have taken over the city!"

People cheered in the streets.

Pa is playing with the orchestra at Ford's New Theatre tonight. He said that the audience will be in a great mood.

Pa loves playing at the theater and being a part of the plays. He seems very merry now.

We hear the ringing of bells and band music playing. A steam fire engine barreled by a moment ago. It was blasting off steam in celebration of the fall of the capital of the Confederacy.

At dinner, Jed told us that people swarmed into the newspaper office today. They grabbed all the papers with the latest news.

Jed said President Lincoln and his son Tad have gone to Richmond. He heard that many Negroes knelt before the President to thank him for freeing them from slavery. But President Lincoln told them not to kneel before him. "You must kneel to God only and thank him for your freedom," he said.

The war is not over yet, Jed said. Many lives may still be lost.

When Jane Ellen told Jed to stop being so gloomy, he only shook his head sadly.

I wish Jed had a lighter heart. I fear the Battle of Gettysburg scarred him forever.

April 5, 1865

The city is filling up with thousands of deserters from the Confederate army. Jed says the South now has fewer than 100,000 soldiers, while the North has a million.

Everyone is trying to guess when General Robert E. Lee will surrender.