Ahead of the Darkness (23 page)

“It’s not my imagination. They are getting worse, are they not?”

“How do you know?”

Weren't men supposed to be oblivious? Georgia was always complaining that Ryan didn't notice anything. How did I get the only man who noticed everything?

“Sometimes ye talk in yer sleep. At first, I thought it was cute, wee bits here and there in French, but then I realised it was nae cute when some of the words started making sense, and ye’d shake uncontrollably. I couldnae wake ye up, either, I’d just have to watch ye ride it out. Ye know how hard that is, watching ye trapped, nae being able to help?”

“They’re just dreams. I can’t control them.”

I made a note to throw the sleeping pills out.

“Ye can keep telling yerself that.”

I looked at him and frowned. He got up and left me at the table. The shower started not two minutes later.

I finished breakfast, but didn’t really taste any of it, and started cleaning up the kitchen. It wasn't long before strong arms wrapped around my middle.

“I'm sorry, love, it's hard. I dinnae like feeling helpless, especially when it comes to ye.”

“I’ll get some sleeping pills.”

“Ye mean like the ones yer already taking?”
Damn it.

“Better ones.”

“No sleeping pills. They dinnae help, do they?”

“No, not really.”

He turned me around in his arms, and lifted my face up to his. “Let me in Mia. I’m nae going anywhere.”

I nodded feebly, and he looked at me sceptically.

“Soon?”

I smiled weakly and nodded again, somewhat mollified. He kissed me. The kiss intensified and he slowly released my lips to whisper in my ear, “Make-up sex? We can skip the gym, spend all day in bed.”

He nibbled my ear, and I was about to succumb when I remembered. “Gah, I can’t. I have a doctor’s appointment.”

Drew’s head snapped up, and he looked at me in concern.

“Why, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, unless you want little ones running around the place.”

“Ooh. Hmm. That dinnae sound so bad.”

“Ah, no.”

“But just imagine them, with my handsome physique, and yer ... yer ...”

“Hey! I’m pretty smart. I’d have smart babies.” I smacked him in the chest as he chuckled.

“Aye, and ye’d make beautiful wee bairns too.”

I shook my head at Drew’s over-eager face, and caught sight of the time on the digital clock on the microwave.

“Shit. I’m late.”

“That’s a good start.”

“Shut up.”

He laughed as I rolled my eyes at him.

“I’ll give ye a lift?”

“No, I’m good. I’ll see you later at work.”

I reached up on my tiptoes to peck him on the lips and ran out the door, grabbing my bag off the couch on the way. I tried to fight the images of Drew kissing my swollen belly, singing sweet lullabies to a newborn in his arms, the baby with his gorgeous eyes and my dark hair. I failed miserably, almost falling down the stairs, and had to sit down to catch my breath. I’d all of a sudden lost it.

I took a deep breath and got up. He was only horsing around. There was no way Drew would be seriously thinking ...
seriously
. I had to keep reminding myself that for the three-block walk to the doctor’s office. My stomach twisted and turned the whole time.

~~~~~~

H
ours later, I was still struggling to let it go, and the images were on a continual cycle, playing in my head. I groaned, unable to eat, and stared aimlessly into my bowl, pushing the berries around in the yogurt.

“Something on your mind, dear?”

I spun around on the chair as Anne walked into the kitchen.

“No ... just, feeling a little ... off.”

She looked at me intently for a moment, and I saw the thought flash across her eyes before she asked.

“You’re not ...”

“God, no. Not you too. I’m not ...” Her eyebrow raised ever so slightly, and I thought better of denying it. “We’re being ... careful.”

“Me too?”

I wrinkled my nose up at my slip.

“Drew? If you’re ...” She trailed off, one side of her mouth twitched. “He brought up children?”

I didn’t miss the way her eyes sparkled as if she’d been expecting as much. I pushed my bowl out of the way and buried my head in my arms on the table, groaning loudly, making Anne chuckle.

“It was just a passing joke,” I mumbled through my arms, but raised my head to look at Anne’s amused face. “At least, I hope it was. I’m ...”
Too broken
. “... too young, and it’s much too soon.”
And too late
.

“It is rather soon. What has it been, three or four months?”

“Months? No, weeks ...” I trailed off as I thought that through.

“It’s been almost four months since you moved in, dear.”

I’d been here that long? Already ...

“And you might feel too young, but Drew is a few years older, is he not?”

“You think he was serious?”
Oh God.

“Well, could you blame him? You would make wonderful children together, but when you’re ready. No need to panic just yet, dear, but if it’s bothering you, maybe you should go talk with him.”

I gave Anne a slight nod as I got up from the breakfast bar and headed to the bathroom.

“Good luck,” she called out after me.

I showered again to try and drown out my thoughts for a few minutes at least, then dressed ready for work and dragged my feet the whole way to Cascade’s. I’d be an hour or so early, but I needed to know he wasn’t serious,
we
weren’t serious, but as soon as the thought crossed my mind I instantly thought of the first night I’d stayed. How ... normal, it had felt but then I’d ruined it. Breaking down in the shower in front of Drew was not one of my finest moments, yet somehow, he made it okay, and just held me all night. I’d never felt so ... the image of Drew kissing my swollen belly stopped me in my tracks.

I wasn’t having children. I couldn’t have children. The thought was ridiculous. I couldn’t be a mother. Jesus, I barely remembered the one I’d had. She was just a distant memory of beauty, tarnished by the last image I had of her. Running was the only thing I learned from her, and that was no way to raise a child, on the run, and Drew wouldn’t ...

I stopped again.

I’d just rounded the corner to Cascade’s when I saw Drew standing outside the club with Mac. His hands were on her face, tilting her head skyward. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My heart beat too fast, and my chest felt ridiculously tight.

Drew ...

And Mac ...

I couldn’t breathe.

I gasped for breath, and wanted to run in the other direction but my feet were glued to the spot. All I could do was watch as what looked like some heated exchange went down.

Drew yanked her face higher up.

Oh God
,
he’s going to kiss her

But looked like he was yelling at her instead. She pushed at his chest and stormed into the club.

I
willed
my legs to move, but it was too late. Drew’s head turned to where I was standing, stock-still on the corner, and I struggled to stand upright at seeing his face light up and fall in the next instant. The floor felt like it was going to give way any minute.

“Mia?”

I took a short, sharp breath, my lungs desperate for air, and finally managed to release my feet, turning around. I heard a muffled
ah fuck
, and heavy footfalls, but I couldn’t move any faster. My whole body felt like lead.

“Mia, stop.”

His hand grasped mine, and I flinched. The familiar warmth I always felt was still present, threating to consume me, and I sharply pulled my hand free, crushing it to my chest, to the ache residing there.

“Mia, that was nae what it looked like. Ye dinnae understand.”

“And what did it look like?”

“I ... I dinnae know what ye think ye saw.”

“I saw you with Mac. I think that’s exactly how I think it was.”

“Aye, but nae like that. She’s just fucked, like.”

Poor choice of words. I wanted to scream and punch him in the face, but I felt like stone.

“By who, you?”
This wasn’t me ... what am I doing?

“Don’t be daft. I’ve never touched her.”

“I saw you, with my own two eyes. Your hands were all over her, Drew.”

“Ah, for fuck’s sake, Mia. She was high as a fucking kite, and I grabbed her face to prove it.”

“I ...”

He tried to reach for me again, but I would have shattered into a million pieces if he touched me. I pulled back, the hurt evident on his face. I knew what he was saying was true. I could feel it, and somewhere deep down, it made so much sense, but I couldn’t process anything. The images just kept swirling around and around in my head.

Drew’s hands on her face ...

His lips on my belly ...

Singing to our chi ...

“GOD! I can’t, I can’t do this.”

I can’t breathe.

“Mia, ye know I’m telling the truth. I can see it in yer eyes.”

“I don’t want
this
anymore. It’s not what I signed up for. I wasn’t supposed to stay.”

I wanted to take the words back as soon as they left my mouth. I wanted to touch him so badly. I could see I was hurting him but I couldn’t stop, I just kept going.

“You weren’t supposed to happen. I can’t be this.”

“Why are ye so determined to push me away? Ye finally got me. That’s what ye wanted, right?”

“What?”

“I knew, I knew as soon as ye walked in the club.”
That’s why he was so mad ...
“And I knew I couldnae handle it. Ye broke my rules too, ye know. I dinnae wanna let ye in, or get attached to someone, someone who runs when things get too hard. Ye not the only one with walls, Mia. I dinnae sign up for this, us either, but I’m here.”

“You want ... what I can’t give you.”

“I just want ye, Mia, all of ye.”

“And I can’t give you that.”

“Ye won’t give me that.”

“I ... can’t.”
I’m a ticking
fucking
time bomb. “
I don’t have anything to give. I’m nothing but damaged goods, defected. I was broken a long time ago.”

“Ye may have been broken, but ye not defective.”

“This,” I indicated to down my body, “is a lie. None of it’s real. I can’t give you what doesn’t exist.

“You don’t know the real me because there isn’t one. You deserve more than nothing. I can’t give you a life, Drew. I don’t even own mine and there’s no future in that.”

“Is that what this is about? This morning?”

“No.”

“Mia ...”

“I’m out, Drew. I never wanted in.”

And I walked.

But what got to me the most was that Drew just let me. He didn’t call out, didn’t run after me. He just stood there, watching me walk away. But then, I asked for that, didn’t I? I could feel his eyes burning into me until I turned the corner, and I felt their loss immeasurably.

I walked in Anne’s front door less than an hour after I’d left. Anne rushed to greet me as the door closed behind me. I ignored her concerned look and kept walking. I didn’t hear a word she said.

I closed the bathroom door, locking it before she could open it and accost me. I didn’t want to answer any of her questions. All I could register was Drew’s name being said, one too many times, and I didn’t want to know if he’d called her. Those two were thick as fucking thieves.

I turned the shower on, slowly got out of my clothes, and stood under the stinging-hot spray. Eventually I heard Anne walkaway, and I crumpled to the floor, my legs finally giving out. I sat, with my knees to my chest, until the water ran cold and my body shook. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out and quietly exited the bathroom.

I didn’t bother to dress, just locked my bedroom door before I collapsed on the bed, still wrapped in the towel, but the words circling in my head wouldn’t leave me alone.

I rolled to the other side and reached for my MP3 player on the nightstand. I put the buds in and turned it up to full, desperate to drown out the bitter words on repeat, and the rest of the shitty world. But there would be no escape, not even in sleep.

I just want ye ...

I covered my head with the pillow.

I’m nothing but damaged goods ...

I squeezed the pillow tighter.

You deserve more than nothing ...

“You’re nothing, nothing like your whore of a mother. She doesn’t even love you. You’re worth nothing, and no one wants you ...”

Nothing.

––––––––

I
jolted awake for the fifth or possibly the sixth morning in a row, but I was too tired to really care which. They all just blurred into each other anyway. And, like every other morning, I covered my head with the pillow, refusing to acknowledge the day. At least, I tried to.

“Mia!”

I bolted upright at Anne’s uncharacteristically gruff voice, but groaned and covered my head with the pillow again. Maybe she’d take the hint.

She wasn’t buying whatever I was selling. Instead, she took the pillow and whacked me over the head with it.

“What was that for?”

“Oh, that got your attention now, did it, dear? Get out of bed.”

“Whatever for? I don’t have a job, I don’t have a ... a ... I don’t have anything to get out of bed for.”

“Nonsense. You need to get out of bed because it’s not healthy moping about all day.”

“I’m not moping. I’m just tired and want to sleep all day, like normal juveniles.”

“I know damn well you don’t sleep all day. Eat this.”
How did she know?

She threw an apple at the bed, and I looked at it like it was poison.

“And put these on.”

She’d washed the gym clothes I’d left in the bathroom. It really was as if I was being a sullen, useless teen and I wanted to throttle myself. I just couldn’t, didn’t, want to get out of bed. It all hurt too much.

“You’re going to the gym if I have to drag you there.”

“I’m sick.”

I sighed as Anne continued to stare me down, waiting for me to cave. I swear, I used to have a better backbone but then, I never remembered it ever being tested that much. It was always just me and I wanted that back, it was easier.