Ain't Gonna Be the Same Fool Twice (10 page)

My mind was a blur. I hoped I wasn't on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I needed to think. So, maybe I couldn't just walk away like nothing had happened. But I couldn't tell Sharlinda and Today about my feelings toward women without risking our friendship. When Traci suggested that I hang out here, what did she mean? Where did she expect me to sleep? I decided to ask her.

“Let's say I were to take you up on your offer. Where would I sleep?” I asked nervously.

“You can stay in Kate's room. The rent is paid through the month. And we haven't found anyone to sublet it yet.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. At least Traci wasn't pushing herself on me.

“You picked one of the best times to be in San Francisco. This is Gay Pride week, coming up.”

“Oh,” I swallowed. Maybe it was fate.

“There's a big women's dance next Saturday night, not to mention the parade on Sunday,” Traci continued. “If you want to find out if you're really a lesbian, this is a golden opportunity.”

Sharlinda and Today would probably be understanding if I told them I'd met a man and wanted to spend the week with him. It's not like they wouldn't go off with some dude if either of them had half the chance, I thought. The hardest part would be dealing with their curiosity rather than their disappointment.

How could I afford to pass up an opportunity like this? Especially one that had fallen into my lap. Tell me it just happened to be Gay Pride week. Tell me that wasn't a sign. But the question was, a sign from who? The forces of good or the forces of evil? Well, didn't I owe it to myself to find out?

“OK, I admit, I'm curious. I'd be lying if I said hanging out with you doesn't appeal to my sense of adventure. Especially when I consider the alternative. But how much difference can a week really make?”

“Haven't you heard that song, ‘What a Difference a Day Makes?'”

I nodded. “I've also heard that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. I just hope I'm not opening a Pandora's box. I'd hate to end up more confused than ever.”

“Free your mind and your behind will follow. Personally, I think you should consider subletting Kate's room and staying out here and finding yourself. I mean, Chicago is a nice place to be
from
.”

“Wait a minute, I have a plane to catch tomorrow. I can't just drop out like some white hippie. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I just spent four years in college so I could get a decent job.”

“What's that got to do with anything? A decent job don't mean jack shit if you ain't happy!”

Artemis hopped onto my lap.

“It's hard to be happy if you can't make a living,” I pointed out as I stroked the cat's soft fur.

“Stevie, you're coming from a survival place.”

“Hey, sounds reasonable to me.”

“Fuck reasonable! Stevie, you're not here to survive,” Traci shouted, standing up.

“I'm not
where
to survive?”

“You're not on this planet to survive. That is not your purpose. Do you understand?”

“What is my purpose? This should be interesting, especially since you've only known me for a few hours,” I said, rocking harder. Artemis jumped off my lap.

“I could've told you after ten minutes that your purpose wasn't to survive.”

“Fine, so what is my purpose then?”

Traci hesitated, “Your purpose is to learn,” she said.

“To learn what?”

“Just to learn what you're supposed to learn. That's what you have to find out.”

“Can't I learn what I'm supposed to find out in Chicago? Can't Chicago be my learning tree?”

Traci shook her head. “Chicago would be a step backward for you. If you get on that plane tomorrow, you're destined to go through life with the emergency brake on.”

“Sounds tragic, but like I said I can't afford just to hang out. I'm on a pretty tight budget.”

“Look, you got a place to crash, rent free, until the first of July. And if you take the sublet, the rent on Kate's room is only sixty dollars a month.”

That's not too bad, I thought. It wasn't like I didn't have savings. I could probably find a job out here in a month. Then I told myself, I must be crazy. This woman is almost a complete stranger. Maybe she put a stupid pill in my drink.

“Like I said, my money is funny and my change is strange. Even if I could swing the rent, I can't eat the paint off of the side of a building.”

“We've got enough tofu burgers in the freezer to last till we put a black woman in the White House.”

“What are tofu burgers?” I asked as Artemis stretched and yawned on the windowsill.

“Bean curd.”

“What the hell is bean curd?”

“The curd of the bean,” Traci answered matter-of-factly.

“Traci, I'm from Chicago, city of broad shoulders, hog butcher to the world. Do you expect me to survive on bean burgers?”

Traci smiled. “Your purpose is not to survive, remember?”

“That's right, I forgot.” Artemis suddenly flopped down and walked over toward Traci. Traci reached out and petted her with her long fingers.

“So, Artemis, you finally decided to give me the time of day. I guess you remembered who feeds you when Jawea's gone.”

“I must say you've certainly given
me
some food for thought.”

Traci stood up, scooping Artemis into her arms. “Stevie, the chances of us meeting were one in a million. And therefore; we crossed paths for a reason. Who knows, I may be your spiritual guide.”

“Really?” I asked, tempted to laugh in Traci's face.

Traci nodded as Artemis jumped out of her arms and headed for the door.

“Yeah, only time will tell,” Traci answered mysteriously. “Like I said before, you'd be a fool to go back to Chicago tomorrow.”

I remembered my cramped, non-air-conditioned bedroom in ninety-degree heat. Summer in San Francisco was awfully tempting. And I did want to find myself. I was twenty-one years old. If not now, when? It was exciting to think that I could turn my world upside down, just like that. But I knew that I wouldn't actually follow through with it in a million years. Sure, it would make sense to sleep here tonight in Kate's room, and yeah, I'd have brunch in the Castro in the morning. But my butt would be getting on that plane tomorrow as scheduled and returning to Chicago. Next week I might see snatches of the Gay Pride parade on the TV news or read about it later in the newspaper. But that would be the end of it. Soon I'd find a job in the media and get an apartment in Hyde Park and date men and learn to count my blessings.

“Traci, I'll stay here just for the night and go to brunch with you in the Castro tomorrow. I'll call the hotel and leave a message for my friends.”

Traci patted my shoulder when I hung up the phone. “Come on, let's get us some shut-eye.”

Get us some shut-eye
. I hoped Traci didn't think that we were shutting our eyes together in the same bed or even in the same room, for that matter. She'd said I could sleep in Kate's room, hadn't she?

I hoped Traci wouldn't come into Kate's room in the night and try to seduce me. I wondered if I should sleep with one eye open.

I bit my bottom lip. “Traci, you're not going to try anything tonight, are you?”

Traci rolled her eyes. “Try anything? Stevie, what do you take me for?”

I felt embarrassed. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you.”

“Do you think that I can only deal on one level?” Traci asked, raising her arms. “Is that what you think?”

“To tell you the truth, I don't know what to think.”

“Well, I can operate on many levels. I can tune into your energy. I don't just want a piece of ass.”

It wasn't like Traci had met me in the church choir. It wouldn't be so shocking if all she wanted was sex, now, would it? “Well, what
do
you want?”

“I want to participate in your personal growth. I want to be a catalyst for change. That's what I want.”

I couldn't help but be impressed. If a man were saying this stuff, he would probably be full of shit. No “probably” to it; he
would
be full of shit. But it sounded beautiful coming from a woman. I had to admit that I was attracted to Traci's mystical style.

“I've never met anyone who wanted to do all that before.”

Traci smiled and reached her hands out and grasped my cold fingers. Our faces moved closer to each other as if by osmosis. My knees buckled as I sank my mouth into Traci's soft lips. I felt my heart swell; I was scared by the intensity.

“That was nice,” Traci breathed after our lips parted.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Well, I'd better turn in now,” I said, afraid that Traci might get ideas. The kiss was nice, but it was enough for one night.

“I'll get you some sheets for the bed.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Stevie, just wait until you see how the morning light shines on the stained glass hanging in Kate's window.”

5

I was still half-asleep when I felt something heavy against my thigh. I stiffened. Traci had promised that she wouldn't try anything.

I opened my eyes and stared into the face of Artemis, sitting on top of me.

“How did you get in here?” I yawned.

I sat up on Kate's firm mattress and opened my arms to the cat. I could hear loud music with a strong beat. I glanced around the room in the sunlight. The floor was covered with a straw mat. There were a lot of books, big pillows on the floor, candles, and a poster of a yogi with his legs crossed, wearing swimming trunks. I got a good laugh out of the poster of Prime Minister Indira Gandhi that asked, “But Can She Type?”

I was sitting up in the bed petting Artemis when Traci stuck her fuzzy head in the door. “You up?”

I nodded, pulling down on the big T-shirt she'd given me to sleep in.

Traci walked in the room wearing a faded blue terry cloth bathrobe. I'd always been a sucker for terry cloth.

“You could wake the dead with that loud music,” I said smiling.

“Don't you like reggae music, mon?” Traci asked, dancing and popping her fingers.

“I s'pose, but I'm not that familiar with it.”

“That's Jimmy Cliff, mon. Did you catch the flick
The Harder They Come
? Well, this is the sound track.”

I shook my head. “I've been in the boonies for the last four years. We had to drive to Peoria just to see
The Exorcist
.”

“Well, you'll just have to make up for lost time.”

“Can I take a shower first?”

“Sure, I'll get you a towel.”

“Thanks, mon.”

Traci had been right, I thought, staring at the stained glass image of a lotus with the sun shining through it. It gave me a warm feeling. And so did she. I decided to stay the week.

The airlines had let me change my flight, and Today and Sharlinda had bought my story, lock, stock, and barrel about staying an extra week to be with Mr. Goodbar. It had been easy getting my brother Kevin to tell my parents that I was extending my vacation to check out graduate schools. All he was interested in was an autographed Oakland A's baseball cap for his eighteenth birthday.

The Castro had really been a trip. I'd never seen so many good-looking men who didn't want women before. Traci informed me that the slim, alligator-shirt and jean-clad replicas were called Castro Street clones. A T-shirt in a store window had said it best: “San Francisco, my favorite city, where the women are strong and the men are pretty.”

After a brunch of quiche and fruit in the Castro, Traci dropped me off near the hotel. She would return in an hour, after my homies were gone.

Today and Sharlinda sat on the beds with their mouths open. I slumped down across from them in the boxy chair.

“Some people just have all the luck. I hate you.” Today pretended to be angry, but her striking features made her look pretty, no matter what. Today and Sharlinda said their dates had been all right, but neither of them had heard bells or anything.

“You two are going to freeze in those halter tops,” I teased.

“Yeah, this is no town for a tan.” Sharlinda sighed.

“Don't worry, it's burning up back home. In another week, Sharlinda, you'll look like the rest of us,” Today said, laughing.

“Hey, maybe if we show some skin, one of the only two straight men in San Francisco will finally notice us,” Sharlinda joked.

I was about to share my impressions of the Castro with Sharlinda and Today, but then decided against it. No point in drawing unnecessary attention to the subject of homosexuality.

“Come on you all, it's not that bad,” I said, leaning back in the chair and resting my arms on the sides.

“It's not that bad? Easy for you to say, you've got yourself a man.”

“Yeah,” Today agreed. “What's his name, Stevie?”

“Mr. Goodbar, honey.”

“Stevie, what
is
the brotha's name?” Sharlinda demanded.

“Traci,” I mumbled.

“And where is he, with his fine self?”

“He just dropped me off. He had to go pick his mother up from church,” I lied.

“Tracy?” Sharlinda asked, a little puzzled.

“Yeah, Spencer Tracy.”

“Spencer Tracy?” she repeated.

“Yeah, Spencer Tracy Washington,” I rattled off.

“Go 'head, check her out, Miss Thing knows all three of his names. Doesn't sound like a one-night stand to me,” Today chuckled.

“Well, what happened with you and Mr. Spencer Tracy Washington Goodbar last night?” Sharlinda wanted to know.

“Did y'all go straight to the groove?” Today asked.

“No, we did not go straight to the groove. We're getting to know each other gradually. And it's nice.”

“Did you hear that, Today? A quality brotha.”