Ain't Gonna Be the Same Fool Twice (34 page)

“Who cares what other people expect of you? Do you want to live your life based on other people's expectations?”

I didn't answer.

“I'll tell you an AA story.”

“What does Alchoholics Anonymous have to do with skiing?”

Joe ignored my question. “This guy asks God, ‘Can you grant me the courage to change the things that I can change?' And God says, ‘I can do that.' Then the guy asks God, ‘Can you grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change?' And God says, ‘I can do that.' Then the guy asks God, ‘Can you grant me the wisdom to tell the difference?'”

“What did God say?” I asked with curiosity.

“‘Keep coming back.

I turned sideways and struggled to stand up on my poles. I almost slipped, but I managed to stand up.

“OK, I'm ready.”

I followed Joe, slanting my skis as I trudged uphill.

I took a big breath. “Look, I'm at the top of the mountain.”

“You're at the top of the beginner's slope. Soon, you'll laugh at what you called a mountain.”

I gazed down at the powdery, white snow. “Well, I'm not laughing today.”

“Stevie, bend your knees and drag your poles. Do your wedge to slow yourself down, if you need to. And just sit down if you get scared.”

I took another breath and headed downhill.

I bent my knees. I dragged my poles. I did my wedge. It was thrilling. There was no denying it. It reminded me of riding a roller coaster.

Grandma had always said, “You can't keep a good woman down.”

I wished she could see me now, sailing through the snow, maneuvering through this cold, white world.

When I reached the bottom, I looked back with wonder.

I'd already prayed and called the airlines when I saw Cynthia. I could get a red-eye flight out tonight.

Cynthia hugged me. “I'm sorry about your Grandma. That's a real bummer.”

“Yeah, I just hope she pulls through. If we leave after we finish eating, I'll have plenty of time. I'm already pretty much packed for cold weather. I can just take what I have here. Besides, I've still got clothes back in Chicago.”

“Wait, a minute. You're not expecting me to give up this weekend and drive you back to San Francisco today, are you?”

“Cynthia, time is of the essence.”

“There's no guarantee that you can get there in time, no matter when you leave.”

“I know, but I have to find out. It's a chance that I have to take. Otherwise, I might never see her alive again.”

“Is your grandmother even able to communicate?”

“Yeah, she's not in a coma.”

“OK, let's say she pulls through. I mean pneumonia isn't always fatal, even in old people.”

“I have faith. She's a fighter.”

“If she does pull through, then you would have gone through a lot of changes for nothing. I mean can you really afford to go back there now? What about your rent next month? Didn't you put down a fifty-dollar deposit?”

“Yeah, but I just might have to lose my deposit. I can't afford not to go. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and take your chances.”

Cynthia sighed. “Is that being fair to Sterling?”

“I might be able to borrow the rent from my parents. Besides, that's between me and Sterling.”

“Well, leaving today is between me and you.”

“Look, I need you to be there for me right now.”

“Sorry, but I'm not available to be there for anyone in the first six months.”

“That's cold. I mean, what about emergencies?”

“I don't consider this an emergency.”

“You don't?” I bristled.

“No, and for me to drop everything to rescue you wouldn't be fair to me. You're not the only one with needs, Stevie.”

“You've already skied. It's not like you haven't skied at all. And even if you went back out there for a while and we left in a few hours, I could still make my flight.”

“You are sure manipulative.”

“I'm just trying to compromise.”

“Look, I just can't be this emotionally involved this soon. You're requiring too much energy.”

I couldn't believe that Cynthia was being so unfeeling. I thought she had more heart. “Is it my fault that my grandmother might be on her deathbed?”

“No, but is it my responsibility? I came up here to ski. I work hard and I need to play hard. And Stevie, playing with you turns me on. But rescuing you doesn't.”

“I feel like you're kicking me when I'm down. I'm sorry that something ‘real' intruded upon your playground.”

“Skiing is a passion of mine.”

“Look, I can understand why you love skiing. But skiing will always be here. My grandmother may not. Believe me, it's hard to feel at somebody's else's mercy. If it weren't someone I loved, I wouldn't put myself in this position. I wouldn't swallow my pride.”

“I feel like I'm being mind-fucked.”

“Just forget it then. I'm not gonna kiss your ass. I'll get back to the Bay Area some other way. Explaining myself to you is just like throwing pearls to swine!”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Let's face it, the quality just ain't there.”

“You know what I think? I think you're too self-absorbed to see anybody else's needs but Stevie's. Maybe you'd be better off alone.”

“I think you're right. I would be better off being alone than being with someone and feeling alone,” I answered quietly and headed for the phone.

“I'm having trouble with my car. I think it's just the starter. I'm gonna run it over to Grand Auto. Maybe I can borrow Derrick's ride.”

“Whatever you can do, Sterling, I'd appreciate it. The bus won't get me back in time to make my flight.”

“Don't worry, I'll get you down here by hook or by crook.”

“I hate to ask this of you. You've already done so much.”

“Look, baby girl, don't trip. Sometimes it's actually easier to give than to receive. I might need you before it's all said and done. People need people. Cynthia must not be part of the women's community. They're usually known for being there for folks.”

“She's into looking out for number one.”

“And let's not forget, she's bisexual,” Sterling added.

I lay on my bunk reading in our cubicle, in an effort to distract my mind from my worries while I waited to hear from Sterling. I presumed Cynthia was out on the snow. We hadn't crossed paths since our big argument.

I'd spoken to Mama again on the phone. She said that Grandma was hanging tough, but she still wasn't out of the woods yet. I'd succeeded in getting so absorbed in Toni Morrison's
The Bluest Eye
that at first I hadn't heard the knock at the door.

I tensed up; maybe it was Cynthia. But I wasn't sure she'd knock. Maybe she wanted to apologize. I hoped it was Sterling coming to pick me up. Maybe it was a staffer telling me I had a phone call. What if Grandma had died?

I held my breath. “Come in.”

Traci, Jawea, and another woman stepped inside the door.

“What are you doing here?” I asked with astonishment.

Traci gave me an exaggerated scared look. “Sterling told me about your grandmother,” she said.

Jawea hugged me. “I've missed you, woman. Sorry about your grandma.”

“Thanks.”

Traci cleared her throat, “Stevie, this is Kate. Kate, this is Stevie.”

I nodded at the small, hippie-looking woman with long, straight, dark hair. She smiled hesitantly.

“I called to invite you to our Annual Bah Humbug Party. And to tell you that Brenda sent us a flier about a Black Women's Support Group she's starting. I work on Saturdays.”

“Brenda from the Berkeley Women's Center?” I asked, remembering the sistah with dreadlocks.

Traci nodded and handed me a rolled-up piece of paper.

“What happened to Sterling?” I asked, confused.

“He couldn't make it,” Traci explained. “We're here to take you to the airport.”

“You are? You came all the way up here to give me a ride?”

They nodded.

“Sterling said he'd been trying to get his car started when he ran in to answer the phone. He wasn't sure if he could even get it to Grand Auto. Hey, that's when I said, I owe her one.”

“We remembered how close you were to your grandma,” Jawea added.

“Thanks,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes.

“Can I get a hug now?” Traci asked. I held my arms out to her, and when we connected I felt like I'd finally let go of the past. Kate even put her hand on my shoulder.

“Sweetie, I brought you a rescue remedy.” Jawea produced a small bottle.

“Thanks, I really feel supported.”

“That's what community is all about.” Jawea smiled.

“Kate, it's strange meeting you under these circumstances.”

She shrugged. “When Traci asked to borrow my van, I just wanted to be a part of the effort.”

“The bug needs a tune-up. I didn't want to chance it through these mountains,” Traci explained.

“I really appreciate your help. I mean, it's not like you even know me,” I said to Kate.

“I know your energy,” she replied. “You lived in my room last summer. And you were lovers with Traci. We've shared some important karma.”

“Look,” I blushed, “I didn't know you all were still together when Traci and I got involved.”

“Is that book good?” Traci pointed.

“It's great.”

“Whatever happened was meant to happen,” Kate insisted. “We learn the lessons we need to learn.”

“Open your mouth,” Jawea demanded.

I did, and she squeezed a dropper full of her herbal remedy under my tongue.

“Don't swallow for thirty seconds.”

I made my getaway without seeing Cynthia. Kate drove, and Traci rode up in front with her.

“Jawea, I don't know if your rescue remedy will keep me from worrying about money. I just found the cutest cottage and now I've gotta take rent money and give it to the airlines.”

“Don't come from scarcity,” Jawea answered. “You have to believe in abundance. You have to believe that the universe will provide.”

“I'll buy your airline ticket,” Kate piped up.

“No way, you've already bent over backward. I was just voicing my problem, that's all.”

“And I was just voicing my solution.”

“I couldn't take your money.”

“Do you have an issue around receiving?” Jawea asked.

“I don't know.”

“I think you have a poverty mentality,” Traci suggested.

“Look, Stevie, I have a trust fund. Money is easy for me to give. In fact, it's one of the easiest things. This is a situation that can let me use my money in a way that makes me feel good, and helps me resolve some of my issues.”

“You don't want to deny Kate the opportunity to resolve her issues, do you?” Jawea asked.

“No, but how about if I pay you back?”

“Fine, if that's what you have a need to do.”

“I do. Thanks a lot. And don't worry, I'll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“I'm not worried about getting the money back. Besides, I know your credit is good. I got Traci back, didn't I?”

Kate put her arm around Traci's shoulder as she drove. I wasn't even jealous.

We munched on bean burritos as we approached the Bay Area.

“By the way, how's Artemis?”

“I think she misses you,” Jawea said between chews.

“I miss her too, especially when I'm on the phone.”

“She's been in a weird space lately, wouldn't you say?”

“I think she's just been separating her energy from everyone else's. I think she's just been processing,” Traci replied.

“That reminds me,” she continued. “Kate told me a while back that she would be content just to bump into me.”

I licked refried beans off my lips. “Bump into you?”

“Yeah, can you believe that?” Traci groaned.

“Weren't you all living together at the time?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Kate answered with food in her mouth. “But, I was thinking about moving into the ashram over in Oakland.”

“Anyway, I freaked out and told Jawea. And Jawea said that I just wasn't fucked-up enough for Kate.”

“Kate has been with some fucked-up people,” Jawea explained.”

“They weren't fucked-up, they were just unevolved.”

Jawea raised her eyebrows. “A woman whose idea of music is the theme song from
The Brady Bunch
is just unevolved?”

“Anyway, so I say, ‘Kate, Jawea says you don't want to be with me because I'm not fucked-up enough for you.'”

“And Kate says, ‘Traci, you're plenty fucked-up enough for me. You're just not fucked-up in a way that interests me anymore.'”

“Oh,” I gulped, surprised they'd be so candid in front of me.

“Hey, but check this out. I didn't get defensive. I just took the shit in. And then I said, ‘Kate, I need time to process what you just said, before I respond.'”

“Then, I said to myself,” Kate cut in, “Traci might not be perfect, but at least she's willing to process. And then I saw her aura. And it was so beautiful.”

“Stevie, did you want to be talking about your grandma?” Jawea asked politely.

“No, it's been good to be distracted. I'll have plenty of time to worry on the plane. I just wish I could see people's auras.”

19

Mama and Daddy picked me up at the airport. David was I on a basketball road trip with Iowa State, and Kevin was stationed in Georgia. Mama looked tired. Her body felt stiff when I hugged her.

“How was the flight?” Daddy asked as I kissed him on the cheek. What difference did it make how the flight had been? Obviously I'd gotten here in one piece, I thought.