[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (22 page)

‘‘Leah, I can handle this.’’ He saw the look of anger that crossed his sister’s face. She wasn’t one who liked to be reprimanded, much less in front of someone like Helaina. He held up his hands. ‘‘Ladies, we’re wasting time. Leah, you need to finish loading up John’s sled and get yourself settled in the basket. He can drive now. Helaina, you need to get settled here.’’

‘‘Fine,’’ Leah declared, stalking off toward John’s sled.

He thought the matter settled and turned to go, but Helaina had taken hold of him. ‘‘You can’t just leave me stranded like this. I need your help to get south. I need more men to go north on the search with me.’’

Jacob felt a deep sorrow. ‘‘Helaina, what you need and what you want are two entirely different matters.’’

She looked at him oddly. ‘‘I don’t know what you mean.’’

He gave a sigh. ‘‘I know you don’t, and that’s your biggest problem.’’

Chapter Nineteen

T
hat night Jacob found himself actually contemplating Helaina’s request to go across the interior. Adrik had suggested Jacob come to Seward and join him working for the railroad. If he took Helaina, she could catch a ship out of Seward and head south. The harbor never closed and would be the perfect place to get transportation to either Seattle or San Francisco, given the large volume of goods that were being shipped back and forth in association with the railroad.

He went as far as to take out pencil and paper and try to figure the cost of such an expedition. It would be harsh and difficult to deal with the weather and unpredictable land. There were mail trails that could be followed, but even these would present dangers.

‘‘What are you doing?’’ Leah asked as she joined Jacob at the fire. Most of the others had retired to their tents and sleds.

‘‘I was just thinking about getting Helaina to Seward.’’

‘‘What? Are you crazy?’’

He rubbed his bearded chin. ‘‘Not the last time I checked.’’

‘‘Jacob, you can’t do this. It’s much too dangerous. It’s not like this is any real emergency.’’

‘‘But maybe it would be better for everyone concerned to get Helaina on her way. You want her away from me, after all.’’ He watched her frown. How could she argue such a point—she was, after all, the one who had made such a big issue of it earlier.

‘‘I want her away from you, not isolated with you for a month or more.’’ Leah sat down and tried to reason with him. ‘‘Jacob, it would be costly and dangerous. You know it would. The dogs would be pressed to their very limits, as would you. The winter has come early and the weather has been unpredictable. You could find yourself in trouble within days.’’

‘‘Again, thank you for the vote of confidence.’’

Leah slapped her palms against her sealskin pants. ‘‘You know this isn’t about you and your ability. It’s about it being November— nearly December in Alaska. You wouldn’t suggest anyone else take such a risk, so why take one yourself?’’

‘‘I didn’t say that I would. I’m just trying to think of what would be best for everyone concerned. Helaina won’t give us any peace so long as she’s determined to get to the States.’’

Leah’s jaw clenched. ‘‘Helaina needs to learn some manners.’’

‘‘Be that as it may, you should remember your Christian charity. You were the one who gave me such a difficult time of it when I wanted nothing to do with Helaina. Now you’re angry because I’m being kind.’’

Leah blew out a heavy breath. ‘‘I’m not trying to be difficult, Jacob. I’m just worried.’’

‘‘You needn’t worry about me. I’ve been through much worse than Helaina Beecham.’’ He grinned and added, ‘‘If she’s the most difficult thing I have to contend with, then my life will be rather simple.’’

‘‘I seriously doubt that.’’

‘‘I was just thinking that I could take her by sled to Seward. It would be a long and arduous trip, but Adrik would like to have me join him there anyway. We talked about the potential of it when we were in Sitka.’’

‘‘But you also have the Arctic exploration to consider. Have you given up on that idea? Captain Latimore will return in June and expect you to be a part of his team.’’

‘‘I know. I haven’t given up on such plans. I want to pray and seek what God wants me to do in regard to both options. I feel that God has a purpose in presenting both possibilities. I need to consider which might be best for all parties concerned. Including Helaina’s desire to get to a ship.’’

‘‘Helaina desires a great many things. Too many, if you ask me. She wants Chase captured. She wants to show the Pinkertons how capable she is. She wants you to make all of her obstacles go away.’’

Jacob actually laughed at this. ‘‘I wish I could. I wish I could set her free from the shackles that bind her, but only God can do that. She thinks she needs so many other things, when what she really needs is Jesus. She has no peace of mind—no hope for anything past the performance she can give.’’

Leah frowned. ‘‘I suppose I haven’t been too concerned with her spiritually, though I did seek her forgiveness for my mean spirit.’’

‘‘Then you should understand,’’ Jacob replied. ‘‘I want to help her see the truth. It isn’t a matter of allowing her to manipulate and have her own way. I want her to see that Chase and the original job she was given to do are no longer the reasons she’s still here. She focuses on this because it’s all she has. She doesn’t know how to be fulfilled any other way.’’

Leah put another piece of driftwood on the fire and stretched out her hands to the flames. ‘‘I can see the truth in that. I’ve suggested as much myself. I told her I believed she was seeking revenge for the past.’’

‘‘As have I.’’ Jacob leaned forward. ‘‘I don’t know what the Lord would have for me regarding Helaina. I do care about her . . . deeply. I never thought I would, given our initial introduction.’’

‘‘But she’s—’’ ‘‘Just hear me out.’’ Jacob looked at her hard. ‘‘I care about her. I can’t help it. I won’t pursue it because she doesn’t love God. She sees God as some sort of adversary. I couldn’t pretend that doesn’t matter. You know me well enough to realize that.’’

Leah nodded but remained silent. Jacob gazed into the flames and tried to figure out how to say what was on his heart. ‘‘When we were in Nome, you helped me to understand that often I allow my ability to discern people and their motives to keep me from caring about them—about their souls. I know that isn’t why God would give me such a gift. Helaina is hurting. She’s still trying to figure out why she was left behind when all that she loved, short of Stanley, was taken from her. She needs to understand that God isn’t the enemy here, and that terrible things will often happen to the children He loves, but it doesn’t alter His love for those children.

’’ Leah still said nothing, and Jacob looked up to find her crying. ‘‘Leah?’’

She looked to the ground. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’

‘‘Don’t be.’’ He scooted closer and hesitantly put his arm around her. She didn’t push him away and Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. ‘‘Talk to me.’’

‘‘I don’t think I can.’’

‘‘Of course you can. I love you. You’re my little sister. We made promises to each other a long time ago. Remember? We promised to be honest with each other and to take care of each other. Of course, Jayce has the job of caring for you now, but I will always love you.’’

Leah sank against him and he tightened his hold on her. ‘‘I used to think God would keep me from bad things. I remember asking Mama why God didn’t protect us from evil men and evil things. I asked her if God wasn’t strong enough. She told me that God was always able but that sometimes things happened as a means to bring Him honor and glory. Like remember when we were at that revival meeting and the minister talked about the missionaries who had been killed by the natives when they went to Africa?’’

‘‘I remember. He said the missionaries hoped that their story would bring people to God.’’

‘‘Yes, and even as they were being tortured to death, they praised God. That did inspire me, Jacob. I thought how wondrous it would be to have that kind of faith. To be put in the flames— to die for the cause of taking the Word of God to people who had never heard it. But at the same time, I couldn’t understand it. I still don’t. Those people were serving God. They were living for God, trusting Him for direction. They were being good to other people, and . . .’’ Her voice broke. ‘‘They were trying to do the right thing.’’

‘‘But still they died. Died in God’s service,’’ Jacob whispered. ‘‘And you were trying to do the right thing. You were living for God and trusting Him, and yet Chase came and took you away.’’

‘‘Yes.’’ She grew very quiet. For several minutes she said nothing, so Jacob merely waited. Finally, she looked up. ‘‘He forced himself on me, Jacob.’’

The words were delivered matter-of-factly. Jacob had no doubt they were true. ‘‘I’m so sorry, Leah. I wish I could have kept you from that.’’

Leah bit her lower lip and drew several ragged breaths. ‘‘He . . . well . . . I . . .’’ She shook her head and leaned back against her brother.

Jacob simply held her for several minutes, waiting until she felt able to speak again. He knew it would be important for her to talk.

‘‘I didn’t tell Jayce,’’ she finally said. ‘‘I couldn’t.’’

‘‘You’ll find the strength when the time is right. Jayce will understand.’’

‘‘How can he? I don’t.’’ Leah sat up. ‘‘I don’t understand why God would allow that to happen. I even tried to help Chase know more about God—about salvation. I tried to be helpful to Helaina even though I blamed her for our even being in that situation. I tried to have a good heart. Do you think my anger at Helaina caused God to punish me?’’

Jayce shook his head. ‘‘I don’t think God works that way, Leah.

I think what happened was the result of Chase’s evil ways. This is a corrupt world. There is evil that lurks and waits to cause harm in the lives of the innocent.’’

‘‘But we pray for God’s protection. The Bible is full of examples of people who were protected in times of trouble. Why not me, Jacob? Why not? What did I do that was so terrible that God wouldn’t hear my prayers?’’

Jacob felt a lump form in his throat as he looked at Leah. She pleaded with him for answers that he didn’t have. ‘‘I believe God heard, Leah. I don’t believe He rejected your prayers. Remember that even while there were times when people were protected in the Bible, there were other times when they were not. Paul went through many trials. He was stoned and thrown in jail. He was shipwrecked and beaten, yet Paul loved God and God loved Paul. And what about Job? Job was a righteous man and God allowed him to be stripped of everything but his life. And Job wished that had been taken, as well, because of his physical infirmities.’’

‘‘He promised that though God had slain him, Job would still trust Him. I remember that verse,’’ Leah said. ‘‘And I do want to trust God. I didn’t at first; I felt angry. I felt that God couldn’t possibly care about me anymore—that He didn’t love me. I know that’s not true, and I still love Him, but I don’t understand any of this.’’

‘‘And God has never promised us that we would understand. He has His plans, and ultimately they will deliver us into a peaceful and perfect place. But, Leah, that place isn’t here on earth.’’

She nodded. ‘‘I know. I guess that’s why I would just as soon have died.’’

Her words pierced Jacob’s heart, but he didn’t reprimand her for them. Her pain was already so great. ‘‘I don’t know if I could bear that loss,’’ he said simply.

‘‘You know, Chase was actually sorry afterward. I couldn’t believe it, but he was. He kept trying to find a way to get me to let go of my anger and absolve him of his guilt. It was almost like nothing else in his life had ever made him feel the need to make a thing right. But I couldn’t deal with him.’’

‘‘I can understand that.’’

‘‘I honestly wanted to kill him, Jacob. That really scared me. I’ve never wanted to end anyone’s life. Never. How can I be such an awful person? I left him out there to die.’’

‘‘He is already a dead man, Leah. One way or another, he will pay the price for the things he’s done.’’

‘‘Jacob, what am I going to do? When I look at Jayce, I see Chase. How will I ever be able to . . . be a wife to Jayce again? I just keep thinking of that and I can’t reconcile it. Chase didn’t just steal a part of me; he’s taken what’s most important to me. He’s taken my happiness with Jayce.’’

‘‘They might look alike, Leah, but they aren’t the same man. You know that better than anyone. Jayce has a heart that is full of love for you. You should have seen him when he realized that Chase had kidnapped you. He was a driven man. He wouldn’t rest or even consider turning back, no matter how hard things got. He loves you.’’

‘‘But once he knows the truth,’’ Leah countered, ‘‘that love may fade.’’

‘‘Then it isn’t love at all, because the Bible says that love endures all things.’’

‘‘Maybe, but I think it’s asking a lot of Jayce.’’

Jacob laughed, surprising them both. ‘‘Sorry, but I think Jayce would say that loving you is easy. I know he’ll be angered by this, but his anger won’t be directed at you.’’

‘‘I realize that. I figure his anger with Chase will be greater than ever.’’

‘‘Maybe to a point, but his real rage will be directed at himself.’’

‘‘Himself?’’ Leah shook her head. ‘‘But why? This wasn’t his fault.’’

‘‘But he will feel like it is. He’ll second-guess his decisions and choices. I know I would. He’ll think that if he’d only gone back to Last Chance with you instead of going after Chase, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. He’ll think that if he would have just told someone sooner about Chase being in Alaska, then Helaina might actually have caught him early on. He’ll have a million questions that have no answers, and all of them will point to his failing you. You have to be ready for that.’’

‘‘But he didn’t fail me.’’

‘‘You don’t need to convince me, Leah. You’ll need to convince Jayce.’’

The next morning Jacob found a moment to be alone with Helaina. ‘‘I want to talk to you.’’

‘‘Good. Have you thought about getting me to Seward?’’ Her expression was hopeful and her tone excited.

‘‘I have considered it,’’ Jacob began, ‘‘but the answer is no. It would be a very dangerous and expensive trip to make.’’