Alexander Outland: Space Pirate (17 page)

Randolph and his pack were still happily snoozing. I had Tanner wake him up while I got the Governor. I figured, if anyone was going to get bitten, better anyone other than me.

The dogs barking helped me rouse the Governor, and then the four of us followed the dogs to the house. Jabbob was already up, feeding chickens and other fowls. I didn’t look too closely. We were invited in for breakfast and found Slinkie and Audrey already up. Slinkie looked like she hadn’t slept well and Audrey looked shiny and reflective. There were some advantages to her no-skin look.

“He asked me to make breakfast,” Slinkie hissed at me as we came in.

This was bad news. Slinkie couldn’t cook. And she didn’t like to have it suggested that she should know how to cook, either.

“I’ll do it,” Tanner said. “He won’t mind. I’ll tell him I wanted to.” She looked at him suspiciously. “Why are you willing to do that?” “I’m hungry.” He grinned at her. “No other reason. Other than that I know you aren’t lying about the cooking thing.” He busied himself with getting food made and seemed to ignore the icy glare Slinkie shot at him.

I chose to take advantage of the lull and get washed up. Slinkie was worried about Tanner, I could see that in her eyes. So, whatever he had on her was big. But not life-threatening, because he was still alive and she hadn’t asked me to kill him. She hadn’t even fought about him coming along all that much.

Breakfast was ample and filling and, I had to admit, delicious.
“You’re a good cook,” I said, mouth full of wheat cake.

“Yeah, I like it, too. I’d wanted to be a chef when I was little.” Tanner slid an omelet onto my plate. It was perfect to behold. I checked everyone else’s plates—all food perfectly made and arranged.

Audrey even had a plate and was eating. She gave me a gleaming smile. “Randolph ensured I could do all things humans can.” Randolph turned bright red and busied himself with his perfectly browned fried potatoes. Slinkie and the Governor both coughed.

I didn’t want to take the conversation where I knew it was headed, particularly since Jabbob looked confused. “So, Jabbob, is there anything we can help you with before we leave? By way of thanking you for your hospitality?”

He beamed at me. “Thank you for offering. I knew Tan only associated with nice people.” I steeled myself for the rest of his reply. I hadn’t discussed this with the crew, or even Tanner. Great-Aunt Clara had drilled certain things into me, and thanking your host and offering to help out was one of those things. It usually paid off.

Jabbob turned back to his breakfast, munching happily.

Everyone else looked at me. I looked back. “Ah, Jabbob? I missed what we could help with. Sorry.”

He looked up from his food, surprise printed on his face. “Nothing. It’s just polite of you to offer. But my farm’s set up for just me, and I don’t really like others trying to help—takes more time to teach you how to do things right than to do it myself.” Back to his breakfast.

The rest of us went back to ours, too. I had to chalk another one up to Great-Aunt Clara. This now put her at twenty-one helpful things against about three thousand unhelpful ones. At this rate, if I lived to be a million years old, she might even out on my balance sheet.

We finished up, helped Jabbob clean up, then left. None of us wanted to push our luck. Tanner, in particular, seemed ready for us to leave, and since he’d originally suggested we hide out at the farm until evening, I decided not to question. I’d had my fill of simple country living. Jabbob loaded us up with snacks for the road and waved to us as we lumbered off in our tankfloater, dogs
and donkeys milling about.

“He’s honestly a nice, simple person, isn’t he? I didn’t think there were any of those in existence.”

Tanner let out his breath. “Yeah. Thank you for asking what you could do to help, though.”

“Just common courtesy.”

“Yeah. But I’d forgotten to warn you.”

“Warn me about what?”

Tanner coughed. “Um, if you hadn’t offered?”

“Yeah?” I got a bad feeling about what he was going to say.

“Well, let’s just say that his dogs would have removed any evidence of our being there and let it go at that.”

I pondered this. “The only nice, decent guy we can trust on this whole damned planet is a simpleminded nut job, that about right?”

“Yeah. Welcome to what my life’s been like.”

“Kid, maybe you’re right. You might like it better on the
Sixty-Nine
, pirate armada or no pirate armada.”

“It couldn’t be worse, believe me.” He shifted in his seat. “So, um, what job are you going to give me? Janitorial?”

Apparently the rest of the crew were sitting close enough to hear us, because we all answered as one. “Chief Galley Chef.”

Tanner looked shocked, pleased and like he didn’t believe us. “Really?”

“Really. Everyone gets to be a chief on the
Sixty-Nine
, isn’t that nice and democratic?”

He snorted. “Yeah. A lot of chiefs. One captain.”

“Well, yeah. Democracy only goes so far, after all.” No farther than my seat, but then, I wasn’t considered the best pilot in the galaxy because I asked for input.

“No complaints. That’s how it is in a kitchen, too.”

Amazing. I’d managed to find the only telepathic spy in the galaxy who really wanted to manifest his destiny with a saucepan. I could find a stray misfit any time, anywhere. It was a skill, really. I tried to congratulate myself on it while we bumped back towards Spaceport City. Didn’t succeed all that well.

“S
o, Alexander, what is our plan? You do
have
a plan, don’t you?” The Governor was in full-on quaver mode.

“Somewhat. Look, how is it you’re all clustered around the back of my head? The back of this tank isn’t set up for this level of chumminess.”

“Audrey moved the firearms and explosives so I could sit more comfortably.” The Governor got a lot of smug into that sentence. I considered avoiding the huge pothole in the road. Decided against it. The muttering and grumbling from the rear made me happy with my choice.

“How nice. Did Audrey move them to ensure we wouldn’t all blow up? Since, you know, they were set up to prevent our dying in a dramatic and yet stupid fashion.”

“The explosives are really touchy,” Tanner added. He didn’t sound like he was kidding. “Try to avoid the potholes. I mean it.”

“I have taken all due precautions, Captain. You can drive through the potholes securely. The others grew tired of my repeating your conversation.”

I let that one sit for a few moments. “Ah, Audrey? Am I right in thinking that you repeated everything Tanner and I talked about yesterday on our way out to Jabbob’s?”

“Yes, Captain. Security Chief Slinkie was worried that you might be bambooz—”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Slinkie hissed.

“Don’t speak to Audrey that way!” Randolph hissed right back.

“Tell her to shut up!”

“You don’t speak to her like that!”

“Children, this scene is making me tired.”

“Randolph, you’re tiring the Governor. You and Weapons Chief Slinkie should relax. I understand she didn’t want me to share that she thinks New Chief Galley Chef Tanner is a jerk.”

“Shut up, Audrey! Really! I mean it!”

“He’d probably rather just be called Tanner, Audrey, honey.”

“Miss Slinkie, I must remind you that he’s been useful. And, adding someone who can cook will be a relief in more ways than one.”

“Are you saying that you don’t like my cooking?”

“No, the Governor’s saying that you can’t cook. There’s nothing to like, your cooking is that bad. Now, apologize to Audrey.”

“Over my cold talons! Let’s see you cook something edible.”

“I think that’s why Nap hired Tanner on. He’s more pleasant than you, even if he is a telepath. At least he doesn’t insult Audrey.”

“Great Feathered Lord, I didn’t insult Audrey! Look at her! She’s not insulted.”

“I cannot actually show displeasure. Randolph didn’t program that in. Yet.”

“Oh. Ah. Gee. I didn’t think of that. I can do that, right away.”

“Add in the ability to change my vocal expressions. I know my constant cheerfulness bothers the Captain, and, honestly, it’s starting to bother me, too.”

“On that, I think we all agree.” Slinkie was at a new level in sarcastic tonality. I was almost impressed, only I figured I’d have that tone sent towards me in the near future.

“Yes, I must admit that while Miss Audrey’s voice is lovely, a change in its demeanor, from time to time, would be pleasant.”

“That’s the Governor’s way of saying fix her voice or we all
smother you in your sleep, Randolph.”

“Got it. You’re just jealous because Audrey’s perfect.”

“I’m perfect, too!”

Tanner and I exchanged a glance. “Not too late to change your mind.”

He shook his head. “It’s still better than Herion Military. Trust me.”

“Wow.” I leaned my head back a bit. “Slink? You’re perfect to me. Everyone else? Could we stop sounding like us for a few minutes so that we can impress the new guy with what a swell time we all have together and how, despite our differences, we function as a well-oiled machine?”

“Oh, Nap, shut up!” Slinkie and Randolph got that one out in unison.

“See? Well-oiled machine.”

“Alexander, the plan? What is it?”

I sighed. “We’re going to cruise around Spaceport City, see what’s going on, try not to get captured or arrested, then Slinkie and I are going to keep our appointments at the Crazy Bear, backed by the entire team. Then we’re going to take our money and fly off to be captured by Lucky Pierre and his French Ticklers. I, personally, can’t wait.”

“Excuse me?” Tanner sounded incredulous. “
Who
are we going to be captured by?” We brought him up to speed on the pirate armada. When we were done, he sat there, doing a good impression of someone trying to decide whether to look stunned or horrified. “Lucky Pierre? And the French Tickler Armada? And we’re all supposed to be afraid of them?”

“You were afraid of them when you spotted them in space.” I could see Spaceport City in the near distance. At least the roads would be better. And we had a full charge on the tankfloater, thanks to Jabbob. So, we could always fly away and crash into something else if need be.

“Good point.” Tanner shook his head. “Who names the people
around here?”

“It’s like you read my mind.” He shot me a hurt look. “You know, kid, you’re going to have to get a sense of humor about your telepathy. At least, if you want to survive with us for even the shortest length of time.”

“I suppose.” He stiffened. “Don’t go in via the main road!”

I
didn’t question or argue. We were at the main intersection leading into Spaceport City and I turned calmly to the right, meaning we were going to take the scenic, perimeter drive. “What’s going on?”

“They’re looking for us. Well, for you.” Tanner concentrated. “Oh, droppings. They think you’ve kidnapped me, or worse.”

“Because you’re missing?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me.”

“Kid, the little details? When do you actually pay attention to them?”

He looked at his hands. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It happens. We’ll work on it. So, is all of Herion Military out after us?”

“Yeah, pretty much. They don’t know we’re in this vehicle, though.”

I pondered while we drove in a very law-abiding manner. “Who are you reading?”

“Grunts I don’t really know. The ones at the main entry point.”

Pondered some more. “Okay, we can use this to our advantage.” “How?” This was chorused by all the vehicle’s occupants, Audrey included. She was coming along fast, I had to give her that. Add
in expression and some skin, and she’d be a real woman without a challenge. Couldn’t wait. Two of them, nagging, demanding, causing interpersonal issues. Oh, yes, the next flight would be a joy in more ways than one.

“We’re going to continue to let Herion Military think we’ve kidnapped Tanner. What’s the name you’re using for them, by the way?” He did his mumble thing. “Tanner? We all agree—Herion names are stupid. But since it’s not your real name, and is, most likely, Jabbob’s real name, just tell us.”

He heaved a sigh. “Percy Almondinger.”

The silence was amazing. I wondered if this name would cause them all to shut up any other time. Like, if I actually wanted to hear myself think, could I shout out “Percy Almondinger!” and have them all go silent? Possibly worth a shot.

I looked at his uniform. “And, your rank would mean they call you… Captain Almondinger?”

“Or other things.” Tanner rubbed his head.

“I think I understand why Jabbob is a simmering psychopath.”

“Yeah. Then again, on this planet, who knows?” Tanner looked around. “I really hate it here.”

“It’s not that much different from Aviatus.”

Both Tanner and Slinkie snorted. “Right, Nap,” she said, derision clear.

“You left for a reason, Slink.”

She didn’t answer. I watched Tanner out of the corner of my eyes. He looked like he was trying not to laugh.

“Shut up,” Slinkie muttered. I got the impression she was speaking to Tanner.

“Where are we headed?” I asked, as much to change the subject as to have a destination. One that hopefully wouldn’t result in our immediate capture.

“No idea. Just not into Herion Military hands. Keep on going on the perimeter. They think we’re still inside the city itself.”

We drove on for a bit when another thought occurred. “What’s
the Land League’s game?”

“What do you mean? They’re crazed maniacs. They don’t want anyone going into space because of the armada.” Tanner shook his head. “They tried to blow up your ship, remember?”