Alexander Outland: Space Pirate (3 page)

“Nap, stop shouting at Randolph,” Slinkie said urgently. “They’re really coming after us. At top speed.”

“Think we can make Herion now?” Randolph asked, still sounding upset.

“No idea. How far?”

“Suggest evasive actions, Captain,” the auto-helper said calmly. “Would you like rear-view?”

“Ya THINK?”

“Stop yelling at Audrey!”

Rear visual superimposed over front. It was freaky and caused migraines until you got used to it. “All the ships are following us. Why? We have nothing, and we look like we have less.”

“They want the ship,” the Governor said. It didn’t sound like he was suggesting so—he was stating it.

“So, while we run, dodge and, please Lord Avian’s Handmaiden, we shoot the damned cannon, why don’t you tell us what you think we’re up against, Governor?”

“Laser cannon firing in five….”

“I really don’t want you yelling at Audrey,” Randolph said truculently. “And I think you should call her Audrey, too.”

“It’s a long story, Alexander.”

“Estimate time to destruction in fifteen seconds, Captain.”

“Three….”

“Everyone shut up! What was that again?” Silence. “Sorry, what was that again… Audrey?”

“Estimate time to destruction in, now, ten seconds, Captain.”

“Why? In one second.”

“Engines are overstrained.”

“Don’t fire the cannon! Ultrasight off! Rearview off!” I counted. “Audrey, we’re past ten seconds. Do we get to live?”

“Yes, Captain. Until we are shot by the ships in pursuit, who are both gaining and firing.”

“So, if I’ve got this straight, we can’t see them, shoot at them, or run away from them?”

“We can continue to run, Captain. Estimate pursuing ships will overtake us in one minute and closing.”

“Herion’s at least ten minutes away, going balls to the wall.” Randolph sounded resigned. “You know, Ziggy still owes me fifty creds.”

“For what?” When you’re about to die, sometimes the inane and innocuous seems like a good thing to focus on.

“That shipment of chickens from Aviatus. He bet me that the roosters would kill each other. They didn’t. Instead, they ran at each other and then ran away.”

“Because you’d drugged them.”

“Whatever works, Nap. Isn’t that what you always say?”

I thought about this. “Chickens.” I felt an idea hit so strong it was like an electric shock. “Slinkie, get ready with the cannon.”

“Why?” She sounded like she was just this side of crying.

“Because we’re going to attack.”

I
spun the
Sixty-Nine
around and headed right back, towards whatever we were headed back towards. I couldn’t see them now. Just looked like empty space.

“Audrey, are you able to help Slinkie to target the main ships?”

“Yes, Captain. Thank you for acknowledging me as a separate but equal part of the ship.”

Great, I had the Emancipated Program on my hands. “Yes, fine, good. Trying to stay alive here, Audrey. Think you can help accommodate that desire?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Slink, calibrate the cannon for short, spraying shots. I want a machine gun, if you can do it.”

“If it’s a gun, I can do it, Nap.”

“Great. Fire when ready. Oh, and Audrey? Please feel free to let us know when we’re overstraining the engines again. Preferably before we’re less than a minute away from exploding.”

“Noted, Captain.” Well, at least the auto-helper still called me Captain. It hadn’t always been this uppity or demanding. Or capricious. At least, I considered sharing imminent destruction as late as possible to be capricious. Maybe Randolph found it sexy.

“Firing now, Nap.” The ship shook, but I could tell Slinkie had
gotten the gun set up like I’d wanted. There was a steady stream of white bursts flying out towards nothing. The same nothing we were heading for at top speed.

“Nap, are you just planning on us going out in a blaze of glory?” Randolph sounded against the blaze of glory idea.

The laser shots hit. Explosions lit up in front of us. “Nope. I’m planning on playing chicken.”

“Isn’t that a sort of archaic choice?” Slinkie sounded just this side of freaked, even while firing. She must have estimated our chances at less than nil.

“Yep. Old and yet still effective. Right, Governor?”

“I don’t care for your insinuation, Alexander.”

“I’ll worry about it if we’re still alive in five minutes.” It’s hard to fly evasively while programming the hyper-drive at the same time, but the desire to survive and potentially have sex with Slinkie was a strong motivator.

Our laser shots were hitting and where they weren’t they were identifying escape options. There seemed to be a narrow space between two of the ships—if there was a net there, Slinkie had ripped it to shreds. But from the way the laser shots were sailing, it looked like empty space. And our only option.

I kept the
Sixty-Nine
at full speed, heading towards what I was hoping was one of the main ships. They weren’t firing at us much, more warning shots than shots intended to destroy. The Governor appeared to be right—they wanted the ship. My ship. No one was going to take my ship until they pried my cold, dead body out of the captain’s chair. Which was probably the idea, only the attackers might have been open to a warm, dead body. I was open to neither.

“Nap, what are you doing?” Randolph’s voice was moving up into the register where it seemed like he was trying to hit the high notes to cover the female singer’s part of the opera.

“Nap, I’m with Randolph. We’re going to hit the ship in a second.” Slinkie sounded stressed again.

“Slink, keep shooting. Randolph, shut up.”

“Ships are veering off to avoid head-on collision, Captain.” The auto-helper sounded calm. As always. Sadly, it didn’t make me relax. Then again, I was better under pressure.

At what I took to be the last possible second, based on laser hits, I jerked the
Sixty-Nine
to the left, spun sideways, and headed into what I was now actively praying was really a path through.

“Audrey, as soon as we’re through these other ships, I want you to let me know.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Nap, what are you doing?” Randolph’s voice was back to semi-masculine.

“A little trick I like to call ‘staying alive’.”

“We’re through the ships, Captain.”

“Hang on, gang.” I hit the hyper-drive button and we jumped.

T
he jump lasted less than a minute. I hoped it was going to be all we needed. And that I’d coordinated right, because if I hadn’t, we were going to go splat in a really spectacular way.

We came out in Herion’s atmosphere. “Oh, I’m good.” Time to talk to the folks on the ground. “Herion Mission Control, this is vessel Three-three-six-nine, requesting immediate landing. Have been attacked by pirate armada and wish to get the hell out of the air.”

“Roger that, Three-three-six-niner.” Male voice. Very official. “Coordinates uploaded to your ship’s computer. Welcome to Herion.”

Landed smoothly. I didn’t like Herion much, but there were advantages to a planet under martial rule—things tended to run on extra-crispy.

“Audrey, please search for any outstanding warrants for any crew personnel, past or present, for Herion or their surrounding planets.”

“Running, Captain. All crew cleared of last several warrants. Only outstanding warrant is for Jack Rock.”

“Ah. Audrey, please advise the Herion Master Computer that Jack is serving time on Omnimus. Herion can add onto his sentence with them.”

“Done, Captain. The Master Computer asked me to share Herion’s appreciation of your adherence to their laws.”

“I live to stay within Herion’s laws.” I did. Because living outside of them was dangerous, especially while in their vicinity. Their military tended to run to the same type as had warned Slinkie about our invisible attackers—big, strong and mean.

Slinkie and the Governor met me and Randolph at the hatch. The Governor looked none the worse for our little escapade. Not that he looked good. I’d known him for what seemed like forever but was really only about five years, and even five years earlier he’d looked like he wasn’t dead only because someone had forgotten to bury him. But for a frail old man, he still had it. I wasn’t sure what it was, exactly, but he had it.

He also knew how to play up being ancient. Slinkie normally found the Governor annoying, but she was the one who always helped him in and out of the
Sixty-Nine
. The Governor used these opportunities to cop the cheap feels. I envied him like no other man alive.

“Ready to be the best-behaved crew in the galaxy?” The three of them nodded. “Then let’s go, make our report, recharge the
Sixty-Nine
and ourselves, and figure out how to get back into space, pronto.”

I hit the hatch release and the door lowered to the ground. As captain, I went first. This was always fun, since those on the ground could see me well before I could ever see them. I’d never had someone shoot my legs out from under me yet, but in a couple of cases, it wasn’t from their lack of trying.

Got down without lasers firing. So far, so good. Complement of Herion Military waiting there for us, standard procedure, especially since I’d radioed about an attack. The others joined me.

“Nap, I think I recognize the major,” Slink whispered to me. I knew without looking she wasn’t moving her lips. We’d all learned that trick ages ago.

I took a closer gander. “Oh, it’s your boyfriend,” I whispered back in kind. “You know, the one who’s probably married. Or likes men. Or even animals. Maybe all three. You never can tell with
that type.”

Sure enough, he recognized Slinkie. Sadly, he beamed a smile at her, said something to the others with him, and strode over. He strode impressively. I really hated him. I watched Slinkie out of the corner of my eye—she was standing up very straight, chest out, casually flipping her hair around. I decided to loathe him.

He reached us, clicked his heels together, and gave us—well, Slinkie—a short bow. “How good to see you again.”

Slinkie extracted herself from the Governor and stepped a bit closer to the military stuffed shirt. “Bryant, how wonderful to see you here.” Her voice was a purr. I wondered how many years I’d get for killing Bryant right here. Probably so many that sex with Slinkie would never again enter the realm of possibility. Better to let him live and just catch him in some compromising position, preferably with a holocam on hand.

“Did we hear right? You were attacked?” He sounded concerned and ready to go off and slay space dragons for her.

“Yes. Captain Outland was able to get us to safety.” Slinkie turned to me and gave me a smile I knew meant play along or die. “Captain, I’d like to introduce you to Major Bryant Lionside. Bryant, Captain Alexander Napoleon Outland.”

Lionside offered his hand. I took it. His grip was painful, to the point where I wanted to cry like a little girl. I didn’t, but I sure as hell wanted to. “Interesting middle name, Captain.”

“It’s traditional in my family. For some reason.” I happened to love my middle name, though Great-Aunt Clara had never shared why every Outland had to be named either Napoleon or Alexander, or both, even the girls. Alexandria’s a great name. I felt for whoever got stuck being named Napoliana, though. Not that I actually knew any of my family other than Great-Aunt Clara. She was more than enough. “Lionside. That’s an interesting name.”

“Name of kings. In Herion’s older times. I wouldn’t expect an off-worlder to understand.” I managed not to share that I was named for not one but two kings, though it took serious effort on my part.
He looked at Slinkie. “I thought he was the ship’s cabin boy.” He sounded serious.

Slinkie didn’t miss a beat. “Oh, Bryant, you’re so funny.” She trilled a laugh. I considered barfing. “Captain Outland is quite experienced.”

“He looks like he’s maybe sixteen.” Bryant clearly didn’t like young boys. Dammit. One potential compromising position out.

“I’m thirty. Almost thirty-one.” I got this out through gritted teeth. He still had my hand in his rock-crushing grip.

“Captain Outland, why is that man holding your hand?” The Governor’s voice was both quavering and very, very loud. It carried to the other men in Lionside’s unit. They all looked a tad concerned. Lionside dropped my hand. I remembered why I kept the Governor around.

“Just saying hello the Herion Military way, Governor.” I put both hands behind my back so I could massage feeling into my right without looking pathetically obvious.

“Huh. Interesting ways they have here.” The Governor sounded unimpressed and a little grossed out. Extra brew for the Governor, that was today’s motto as far as I was concerned.

Lionside did his best to recover. “We’d like to get a debrief from all of you. You’re the only ones who have survived the attacks, at least as far as we know.”

“Happy to help. We want to be able to leave and live longer than five minutes.”

“You don’t need all of us for the debrief, do you, Captain Outland?” Randolph knew how to sound official when he needed to. And on Herion, you always needed to.

“I don’t see why, Mister Billur. He’s our Chief Mechanic, Major. Not involved in any of the, ah, excitement. Same with former Governor Murgat here.” I wanted to suggest that Slinkie wasn’t necessary either, but since she was Security Chief and Weapons Controller, I knew that idea wouldn’t fly.

Lionside nodded. “Agreed. Gentlemen, please be sure to follow
Herion’s visitor’s policies. To the letter.”

“Yes, sir, Major.” Randolph pulled off a decent salute. I was almost impressed. He took the Governor and they moved off, slowly, because the Governor didn’t move quickly as a rule. I wondered if they’d get to a bar before we were done and ready to leave. Decided that was a no bet, could go either way.