All About Love: Anatomy of an Unruly Emotion (57 page)

the abyss
Gustave Flaubert,
Madame Bovary
, trans. Alan Russell (Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1972), p. 113

imposes on us
Ibid., p. 157

indulgent
Tolstoy,
Anna Karenina
, p. 3

enchaining him
De Beauvoir,
Second Sex
, p. 666

even today
See, for example, Daniel Bergner, ‘What Do Women Want?’,
New York Times Magazine
, 22 Jan. 2009 on the work of contemporary sexologists investigating female desire

with envy
Saint Augustine,
The Confessions
, trans. R.S. Pine-Coffin (London: Penguin Books, 1961), p. 28

destroy it
Melanie Klein, ‘Envy and Gratitude’, in
Envy and Gratitude and Other Works
(London: Vintage, 1997), pp. 180–1

In one such
See Ayala Malach Pines,
Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures
(London: Routledge, 1998), pp. 23ff.

but indifference
See Sigmund Freud, ‘Instincts and Their Vicissitudes’,
SE
, vol. 14, pp. 109–40

goodnight to me
Proust,
Remembrance of Things Past
, vol. 2, trans. C.K. Scott Moncrieff and Terence Kilmartin (London: Penguin Books, 1987), p. 1158

coloration
Malcolm Bowie,
Proust among the Stars
(London: HarperCollins, 1998), p. 230 and passim

goddesses
Proust,
Remembrance of Things Past
, vol. 2, pp. 1164–5

happening
Alexander Linklater, ‘Dangerous Liaisons’,
Guardian
, 22 June 2001

permeable
Catherine Millet,
Jealousy: The Other Life of Catherine M
(London: Serpent’s Tail, 2009), p. 42

loves him
Sigmund Freud, ‘Some Neurotic Mechanisms in Jealousy, Paranoia and Homosexuality’,
SE
, vol. 18, pp. 223–5

is love
Erica Jong,
Fear of Flying
(St Albans: Panther, 1974)

marriage
Geoffrey Gorer,
Exploring English Character
, p. 145

over-forties
See Deirdre Fernand, ‘Mr and Mrs: The Marriage Report’,
Sunday Times
, 14 Jan. 2007, from YouGov report,
Marriage and Divorce

cheating
‘Most Americans Not Willing to Forgive Unfaithful Spouse’, Gallup, 25 Mar. 2008, available at
http://www.gallup.com/poll/105682/most-americans-willing-forgive-unfaithful-spouse.aspx
, 14–16 Mar. 2008, cited in
USA Today
and elsewhere

all wrong
For data, see ‘Infidelity: Cross-cultural Perspectives’,
Marriage and Family Encyclopedia
, available at
http://family.jrank.org/pages/883/Infidelity-Cross-Cultural-Perspectives.html

incidences of it
Claire Langhamer, ‘Adultery in Post-war England’,
History Workshop Journal
62 (2006), p. 105

ten women
See ‘High Infidelity: BBC Three’s UK Love Map’, BBC Press Office, 13 Feb. 2006, available at
http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/
stories/2006/02_february/13/map.shtml
. See also accompanying website, bbc.co.uk/relationships

anonymously
For one set of figures, see ‘Facts and Statistics About Infidelity’,
Truth about Deception
, available at
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelit/stats-about-infidelity.html
. See also ‘Infidelity Statistics’, Menstuff, available at
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelity/stats.html
; and Melanie Berliet, ‘The Cheaters’ Club’,
Vanity Fair
, 28 Aug. 2009

relationships today
Berliet, ‘Cheaters’ Club’

infidelities
Delphine Peras, ‘La tentation de l’infidélité dans le couple’,
L’Express
, 19 May 2009

on-line affairs
‘Infidelity Statistics’, Menstuff, available at
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

concealment
Quoted in Langhamer, ‘Love and Courtship in Mid-twentieth-century England’, p. 103

Guidance Council
Ibid., pp. 103–5

one to the other
Letter from Sigmund Freud to Sándor Ferenczi, 10 Jan. 1910, in E. Brabant, E. Falzeder and P. Giampieri-Deutsch,
The Correspondence of Sigmund Freud and Sándor Ferenczi
, vol. 1,
1908–1914
, (Cambridge, Mass/London: Harvard University Press, 1993), p. 123

mark of respect
Perel,
Mating in Captivity
, p. 186

a lot worse
Zadie Smith,
Changing My Mind
(London: Hamish Hamilton, 2009), p. 196

to his wife
Quoted in Rachel Johnson, ‘Pity the poor (other) woman’,
Sunday Times
, 30 Nov. 2008

PART FIVE: LOVE IN FAMILIES

of my life
Margaret Drabble,
The Millstone
(London: Weidenfeld & Nicolson, 1965), p. 102

cannot speak
Tolstoy,
Anna Karenina
, pp. 215–16

baby alive
Sue Gerhardt,
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain
(East Sussex: Brunner-Routledge, 2004), p. 22

chronic diseases
Marla Sokolowski and Thomas Boyce, ‘Why Is Destiny Not in Our Genes?’, Canadian Institute of Advanced Research, available at
http://www.cifarnbq.ca/questions/why-is-destiny-not-in-our-genes/

literature
Alison Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love and the Meaning of Life
(London: Bodley Head, 2009), p. 15 and passim

Word of God
Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, ‘Good Childhood Report: Afterword’, 2 Feb. 2009, available at
http://www.arch bishopofcanterbury.org/2159

and eyes
Jean-Jacques Rousseau,
Émile
, available at
http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext 04/emile10.txt

frustrations
Sigmund Freud,
New Introductory Lectures
(1933),
SE
, vol. 22, pp. 122–3

present one
Freud, letter to Wilhelm Fliess, 15 Oct. 1897, in
The Complete Letters of Sigmund Freud to Wilhelm Fliess: 1887–1904
, trans. Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson (Cambridge, Mass.: Belknap Press, 1985), pp. 270–3

cynicism
De Beauvoir,
Second Sex
, p. 528

around them
Charles Darwin,
The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex
, 2nd edn, 1897 (New York: Barnes & Noble, 2004), p. 506

of the period
See, for example, Carol Gilligan,
In a Different Voice: Psychological
Theory and Women’s Development
(Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1982); and Nel Noddings,
Caring: A Feminine Approach to Ethics and Moral Education
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 1984), pp. 3–4

systems
Simon Baron-Cohen,
The Essential Difference: Men, Women and the Extreme Male Brain
(London: Allen Lane, 2003), p. 1

children
For an exhilarating critique of neuroscientific work on gender, see Cordelia Fine,
Delusions of Gender
(New York: W.W. Norton, 2010)

four, attests
Lucy Cavendish, ‘The War at Home’,
Observer
magazine, 28 Mar. 2010

to the home
Élisabeth Badinter,
Le Conflit: La Femme et la Mère
(Paris: Flammarion, 2010)

message
Ibid., pp. 108–9, for a round-up.

breast-feeding
Geoff Der, G. David Batty, Ian J. Deary, ‘Effect of breast-feeding on intelligence in children: prospective study, sibling pairs analysis and meta-analysis’,
British Medical Journal
333.7575 (2006), pp. 945–50

teaching it maths
Ian McEwan,
The Child in Time
(London: Jonathan Cape, 1987), pp. 80–1

has life in it
Quoted in Madeleine Davis, ‘The Writing of D.W. Winnicott’,
International Review of Psychoanalysis
14 (1987), pp. 491–502 (p. 492)

needs of them
D.W. Winnicott,
The Child, the Family and the Outside World
(London: Penguin Books, 1964), pp. 128–9 and passim

for time
D.W. Winnicott, ‘Primary Maternal Preoccupation’ (1956),
Through Pediatrics to Psychoanalysis
(London: Hogarth, 1958), pp. 304–5

extirpated
John Locke (1693),
Some Thoughts concerning Education
, in
The Works of John Locke
, vol. 8 (London: 1824), paras 35 (and 38 below), p. 28–available on www.gutenberg.org

obsessive love
Philippe Ariès,
Centuries of Childhood
(Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1962), p. 397

responsibility
See Hugh Cunningham,
Children and Childhood in Western Society since 1500
(Harlow: Longman, 2005) and
The Invention of Childhood
(London: BBC Books, 2006)

even cruelty
Ulrich Beck and Elisabeth Beck-Gernsheim,
The Normal Chaos of Love
, trans. Mark Ritter and Jane Wiebel (Cambridge: Polity Press, 1995), pp. 107–9, 122–3, 137–9 and passim

underpin life
See Paul Verhaeghe,
New Studies of Old Villains: A Radical Reconsideration of the Oedipus Complex
(New York: Other Press, 2009)

emotion
Perel,
Mating in Captivity
, p. 132

this relation
Helene Deutsch,
The Psychology of Women
, vol. 1 (London: Research Books, 1946), p. 196

so horrible
Quoted in Franz Kafka,
The Sons
(New York: Schocken Books, 1989) ‘Introduction’, by Mark Harman

human nature
Franz Kafka, ‘Letter to His Father’, in
The Sons
, ibid., p. 117

this theme
Carl Gustav Jung, letter to Sigmund Freud, 19 Jan. 1909, in William McGuire (ed.),
The Freud/Jung Letters: The Correspondence between Sigmund Freud and C.G. Jung
(Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1994), p. 198

no sharing
Sigmund Freud,
New Introductory Lectures
,
SE
, vol. 22, p. 122