All About Me (5 page)

The last night India came to see me, and we both dropped all pretences. We had been circling around each other for a long time. Mum had been running like crazy and Dad wasn
’
t planning to show at all. As usual, he was in one of those meetings. Christian had been walking around the house, pointing at the decorations. I was planning to go for a walk, just to avoid seeing him until later. I sort of got used to the fact that he always got what he wanted and most of the time I moved out of his way, but from tomorrow on this was going to be over.

“
Olie, make yourself useful and grab me some plastic glasses from the garage,
”
Mum ordered when I walked to the kitchen. Christian was using his iPhone, not doing much at all. I used to go through anger phases, but I quickly learnt that this wasn
’
t getting me anywhere, so instead of fighting with her, I obeyed. I wasn
’
t ready for a full-blown argument.

For the rest of the afternoon I kept running around the house while Christian chilled in the living room, laughing at some reality TV show. Close to six, I was planning to sneak upstairs and change, but Christian caught me by the stairs. All the girls were crushing on him and he didn
’
t discourage them. He was a good-looking bloke after all, but I wanted him to have more respect for India.

“
Hey, bro,
”
he began, smirking, while I tried to pass him on the stairs.
“
It
’
s going to be an epic party.
”

I didn
’
t respond, measuring him up and down, wondering if I should tell him then. It pissed me off that he had that arrogant smile on his face, like he didn
’
t have to obey any rules.

“
You should pick up some birds tonight, before all the good ones are taken.
”

“
I
’
m fine, but I
’
m kind of busy,
”
I said. He put his hand on my shoulder, narrowing his eyes on me with an irritated frown.

“
Listen, I need a massive favour. Bryan and a few others are picking up some buzz, and I need you to give them a hand.
”

We both were the same height, but he was built like a typical rugby player.
 

“
I
’
m busy. Why don
’
t you get it yourself?
”
I asked,
my muscles tensing
. I wanted to drag his hand away from my shoulder, but he leaned over.

“
Mum is going to pull some other shit for you to do if you keep hiding upstairs and I need to meet someone to sort some weed for later. Come on man, we should stick together. I
’
ll owe you one?
”

People normally did what Christian wanted them to do and I had to keep him on a leash until this evening because of India. He didn
’
t have to sort anything out. He could have weed delivered to the house later. I wasn
’
t planning to go anywhere, but I knew that he would make me do it either way.

“
Where are they?
”

“
Here is the address. Bryan
’
s mate is getting quite a lot of stuff and I need someone to help them out,
”
Christian muttered, passing me a note with the address.

I knew the area. Mum was leaving town until tomorrow. She hated when any of us got high, so he had to be careful around her, and that was the only thing that Christian couldn
’
t get away with.

“
Okay, fine, but don
’
t expect me to cover for you if Mum catches me. You know that she will go mental,
”
I said, annoyed with myself
for agreeing
. It was his party and in a few hours I was planning to tell him that India was breaking up with him for me. I wanted to see his face and enjoy the misery and the fact that he was going away to University without her.

He patted me on the back, smiling.

“
She won
’
t. Don
’
t worry, I
’
ll make sure of that.
”

 
He let me use his car, which he never normally did, but I just wanted to get it over with. There were a few places in Gargle where I didn
’
t like to hang around, and the address that Christian gave me was one of those places. Christian knew people that could get him a lot of buzz and drugs. It was his party and he wanted to get people high. He was going to do anything to play a cool guy.

My seventeenth birthday was coming up, but I wasn
’
t expecting much. My father was probably going to be away. I had no idea why my father kept frowning every time he laid his eyes on me. Clearly I wasn
’
t supposed to have been born.

The drive to the outskirts of Gargle wasn
’
t long. It was warm and Christian didn
’
t even give me a chance to change. Sweat was running down my back when I parked his BMW outside some wrecked, one-story abandoned building. He was probably planning to keep all the alcohol and weed in the car until Mum left.

Bryan showed fifteen minutes later with Roger and Colin. They were all Christian
’
s best mates.

 
“
What
’
s up, Olie? Finally going to fuck someone tonight?
”
Bryan was laughing over his pathetic joke.

“
Spare me, Crocke. Show me the buzz and I
’
m out of here,
”
I snapped, shoving my hands in my pockets. Bryan spit on the ground while Roger and Colin laughed.

“
All right, all right, princess. We have plenty of time. Can
’
t fucking wait to get smashed? Now, that your bro is leaving and all the girls will be rolling under my feet,
”
added Bryan licking his lips.
“
Maybe I
’
ll even fuck the forbidden fruit.
”

I clenched my fists, walking inside the building. Bryan was just a horny asshole. India would never have set her eyes on a scumbag like him. I desperately wanted to remove that smile from his face. Four of us went inside the old abandoned building. Some guys that Christian paid were probably going to show up with the buzz and something much stronger. He wouldn
’
t have sent me here just to get alcohol.

Roger shut the door behind him, while I started thinking about last night, having India in my bed. It was bliss and my dick hadn
’
t stopped twitching since. She was perfect and she was going to be mine this evening.

“
How long do we have to hang around here?
”
I asked.

Bryan was smoking, inhaling smoke deep into his lungs, before he threw the cigarette on the ground.
“
Tell me something, princess. You like Gretel, don
’
t ya? You think she
’
s hot?
”
he asked.

I looked at him for several seconds, not responding.
“
Yeah, she
’
s all right. What
’
s that have to do with the buzz?
”

“
Everything, princess, and for your information, the party is off-limits for you.
”

I didn
’
t see Roger, who came from behind me, and I didn
’
t see
him throwing the punch.
Before I could process what was going on I was on the floor, disoriented. Bryan kicked me in the stomach. I lost my breath for a long moment, pain shooting right through me.

“
As I told ya, princess, you
’
re going to stay here until you forget about that bitch. Remember, Christian is the God, you
’
re just the loser.
”

They locked the door, leaving me on the floor, gasping for breath, moaning while I tried to get back on my feet. I started picturing my brother laughing about the incident later on, letting me know that he knew all along what I
’
d been up to. My mind started racing. Christian planned all this. Finally everything slowly began to make sense. In some ways, he suspected that India was drifting away.

I heard their laughter outside when I got up. My stomach ached, but I managed to get to the door. They had locked me in from the outside and I slowly began to realise that there wasn
’
t any other way out of here. I had to give it to him; he wanted to get rid of me so he could change India
’
s mind.

I slammed my fists on the metal door.
Aware that I
’
ve been played with.

“
Don
’
t worry, princess, someone will let you out in the morning,
”
Bryan snarled.
“
When the party is over.
”

“
Tell him that he can go and fuck himself. India is mine, she always was and she always will be!
”

I had no idea if they heard me because a few moments later I heard the engine running and they were driving away. Breathing hard, I started searching for a way out, moving around the old building, knowing that he was winning again. He knew what I was up to all along and he made sure that I would never go ahead with my master plan.

At that point I wanted him dead, truly and utterly dead. It turned out that I got what I wanted in the end, but it was all too late.

Chapter Four

Ugly fucking love.

Present

When I think about the past, I know that someone finally had let me out in the morning, and when I got home my mother was crying. The news about Christian came to me unexpectedly. At first, my brain wasn
’
t processing what was happening. I didn
’
t believe that he was dead. Mum was sobbing and trying to get through to my father, who was away abroad.

I wanted to get to India, knowing that she was probably in shock, but then the police arrived, and my grandparents. No one was paying much attention to me then. Mum
’
s perfect son was dead. The house was trashed. From what I heard, Christian didn
’
t drink at all and he took the car in the early hours of the morning without reason, leaving everyone still partying. The police said that he was driving in the middle of the road, like he didn
’
t see the oncoming truck. He crashed straight into it and died instantly. This was wrong because I was supposed to be fucking sad and grieving, but not after the night in the abandoned building. I was glad that I no longer had to compete with him, that I finally had India all to myself. I was happy that he wasn
’
t in my life anymore.

I didn
’
t see India until the funeral, and even after that she was constantly around other people. Later on when everyone left, she was alone, staring blankly at the coffin. It killed me that she pushed me away that day. It was like she became a different person. From that moment on the abuse started. At first, I couldn
’
t get my head around it. I tried to talk to her a few times, but she kept shutting me down, distancing herself like our past didn
’
t matter anymore. A few weeks after my brother
’
s death, she turned into a bully, and I took it all. I was rotting in the image of a loser, the one that people always made fun of. All her actions were confusing. The more she hurt me, the more withdrawn I became. Back in those days, I kept to myself, avoided parties and avoided my mother, who only got worse. When the first opportunity came, I left Gargle and never looked back.

My breathing is now long and deep. I lie on my bed for a really long time, thinking about India and her pain. She chose to hurt me because of what happened to her at that fucking party. If she could have told me the truth all those years ago, then everything would have been so different.

Nothing comes to my mind. I can
’
t seem to deal with the new emotions that are crushing me, so I pick up my phone from the dresser and call Jacob. I fucked up with him today, but he should understand that I made a mistake. After all, he is madly in love with Dora. He doesn
’
t pick up, and when I glance at my watch, I realise that practice is starting in an hour or so. My brain feels like someone just ran it through the mixer, but I drag myself to the bathroom.
 

My heart beats faster than it should and I can
’
t stop thinking about what I did. She was probably expecting me to love her back. How could I not realise that I was in love with her? If only I had waited just a little longer, gotten rid of my overbearing ego, and just listened to what she had to say.

I pack my bag and run towards the sports centre, knowing that Jacob is going to be the only person that can help me fix this. By the time I get to the changing room I don
’
t feel like playing, but I need him. From the moment I saw her outside the class back home, she had always known that one day we would be together. But now I
’
ve sparked her hatred for me, so deep and thick that she won
’
t even look at me anymore.

The coach gives me an angry glare when I join the team. A couple of guys pat me on the back with congratulations, like I have something to celebrate about. I want to punch them, but I have to act better, more mature if I want to get India back. Jacob isn
’
t even looking at me. That prick Evans looks too happy for my liking, stretching on the other side of the field. After the warm-up we start playing and within a few minutes into the game I know that my head isn
’
t in the right place to enjoy rugby. My reflexes, pace, and passing are off. The coach drags me to the side asking what the fuck is wrong with me, and tells me to pull my shit together. After an hour and a half and panting like a dog, I grab Jacob before he gets off the field.

“
Listen, man, I need to talk to you,
”
I say, trying to stay calm. He stops reluctantly and that
’
s a small progress. We are both covered with mud and it
’
s going to start raining soon.
 

“
Oliver, we got history together, but don
’
t make me break your neck, man. I can
’
t keep cleaning up your mess.
”

He is pissed with me and I get it. That video ruined all my chances and if I had all the money in this world to change the past, I wouldn
’
t even hesitate.

“
Jacob, I fucked up, made her hate me, but I was blinded by revenge. I
’
m in love with her, man. You have to help me get her back.
”

This is my desperate side talking, and I don
’
t care that I come across weak in front of my best mate. Jacob runs his hand through his hair, exhaling sharply. His eyebrows start twitching, which means that he is on the edge of punching me.

“
So you want to me to break your neck? Dora gave me hell for earlier on. She wants to protect India, which means that she
’
s going to break up with me if I don
’
t keep you away.
”

I turn around and pace for some time. This is India
’
s secret and I can
’
t tell him anything. Then I think, fuck it. I have to have Jacob on my side, and if he doesn
’
t know the truth, he is never going to help me.

Somehow I manage to talk him into going back home. His hot date with Dora has to wait and in some ways I make him feel guilty, so he follows. It starts raining halfway through, and by the time we get home we are both soaked. Jacob already made up his mind about my cruelty and I get it. After the incident on Saturday, all the girls are avoiding me. It takes me a while to fill him in with the terrible story. India went through a lot and I trust Jacob to keep this to himself. He needs to understand we are both guilty; I more than her.

I go through my past, talk about my dead brother, the party, his funeral and finally my big master plan. When the bullshit is over I show him the letters that she wrote to me, the proof that I need to see a shrink, because no one hates me as much as India right now. This story is personal and sad. Jacob stops reading halfway through and stares at me with terror in his eyes. I explain the rest, feeling like I
’
m violating India again. Jacob
’
s shock only confirms that I
’
m stuck in the real world. I can
’
t act irresponsible and immature anymore. India has grown and it
’
s time for me to do the same. Jacob shakes his head a few times, scanning India
’
s handwriting and breathing too fast.

I realised that I loved her as soon as I pulled that prank, and my anger faded. I get it, I didn
’
t protect her, but how was I supposed to?

“
She might have ruined your life, but you broke her, Olie. You can
’
t change what you
’
ve done. I get it, I really do, but India isn
’
t the same anymore.
”

Do I have to tell him that she is the love of my life? If that
’
s what it takes for him to help me, I will. She won
’
t accept an apology. Now, after the letter, this isn
’
t simple anymore. My pulse races when I think about her and these past moments together that never seemed real.
 

“
I
’
m going to do anything in my power to fix this, but I need people on my side. This whole thing is completely fucked up. It might take me months to make her trust me again, but I
’
m willing to wait. She
’
s the one that I have to fight for, even if she
’
s burning with hate for me.
”

“
And you didn
’
t know?
”
he asks, pausing like he needs to take a few deep breaths.
“
That she was raped? You had no idea what happened at that party?
”

I slam my fists into the wall, losing my mind again. Jacob doesn
’
t move, watching me with a shocked expression on his face.

“
She never told me, and then she just started hurting me. Fuck! I should have suspected something. All these years holding that huge grudge.
”

“
Dora must know. When we were in Gargle I knew that something was up. India looked uncomfortable all the time.
”

“
It doesn
’
t matter. I won
’
t bother her, but I need to come up with something, Jacob. She has to trust me again.
”

He doesn
’
t respond for a very long time, breathing heavily and rubbing his hands over his jeans. I hate the silence. She apologised to me, so why won
’
t I just let her go?

“
Listen, Oliver, I know that this is bad timing, but I
’
ve got to tell you something. Russell kept asking her out before she started sorting out things with you, and yesterday she agreed to. date him. It
’
s over, man. She is off the market because you fucked up. They are officially dating.
”

I stare at him for ages, digesting his words slowly and carefully. I must look like a complete moron right now. India has chosen Evans over me. I tangle
my hands in
my hair, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to breathe. This is how she is paying me back. I hurt her and she starts dating the guy I can
’
t stand. It takes me a moment to regain my control and Jacob is watching me all the time. India is much stronger than I thought. She is already fighting back, showing me that my pranks can only go so far.