All or Nothing (17 page)

“What finally happened, with the girl?” I pressed him. We hadn’t covered that last time.

He shrugged. “She’s still not over me. I told you I have a restraining order against her. She sends long handwritten letters to my agency since she doesn’t know my address anymore. And she somehow showed up at a photo shoot of mine a few months ago and I had security remove her.”

Oh my god. That was where I’d met Katrina.

“She’s a stalker, basically.”

“What’s her name?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“Kat.”

Holy mother. “I-I know her. I mean, I-I met her . . .”

His brows pinched together. “Where? How?”

“At that photo shoot. The day I came, I met a girl there—she said she was a fan of your work, but later she admitted that you two dated. She said her name was Katrina.”

“Shit,” he cursed and rose to his feet and began pacing in front of the sofa. “You spoke to her?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“You didn’t tell her anything about yourself or me—did you?”

I swallowed a hard lump in my throat. “Well, um, sort of, but I had no idea that . . .”

“Fuck!” he swore loudly and pushed his hands into his hair. “Ellie, this is important. Tell me what you told her.”

“We met for a drink. We’ve texted . . . but it was all innocent, I swear.”

“How could you do that, Ellie?”

He continued pacing. “You know how private I am. Didn’t you think that maybe, just maybe, I had good reason for being so guarded?”

I rose to my feet, standing directly in front of him. This wasn’t my fault. And I truly believed I hadn’t done anything wrong. “It’s not like I told her much—I didn’t even know where you lived until today. It was harmless girl talk, commiserating together over broken hearts. Not that I would ex
pect you to understand that—your heart’s never been in this game.”

The pulse in his neck was racing, and his eyes were blazing with anger, but Braydon remained silent.

“You know what. Never mind. It was stupid to think coming here meant something.” I grabbed my purse and stuffed my feet into my shoes. “Good-bye Braydon.” I was out the door and in the elevator without a backward glance.

19

A few days later, I couldn’t ignore Braydon’s constant phone calls and texts any longer. I agreed to meet him for coffee at a central location.

When I arrived, Braydon was already seated at a table by the front window with a mug in front of him and another that was for me, I presumed. Coffee had been too rough on my postflu stomach and I’d been avoiding it for several weeks now.

I approached the table and Braydon rose to his feet. He looked tired. Still handsome as always, but dark circles ringed his eyes and the usual mischief sparkling in them was missing. “Thank you for meeting me.”

I nodded. He wasn’t getting jack squat out of me. I was here. That was all.

“I wanted to apologize, and explain everything to you.”

“I’m listening.”

He nodded, and fiddled with his coffee mug. “First and
foremost, I’m sorry how I behaved. I overreacted. You did nothing wrong, and I see that now. I just . . . get a little tense thinking that Katrina is still, after all this time, trying to infiltrate my life, and used you to gain information.”

I listened while he spoke, but something wasn’t sitting right with me. I thought of the girl I’d met and the sadness I’d seen in her eyes. “Did you ever consider that maybe she just needs closure from you?”

He blinked at me several times. “What do you mean?”

God, men
 . . .
they could be so dense.
“Like to hear from you why it ended, what went wrong, so she can accept it and move on from that time in her life . . .”

He shook his head. “It’s not that simple.”

“I think it might be.” I was probably taking a gamble, but something told me a little closure coming from Braydon himself could be exactly the thing to solve this. Only I had no idea if he’d be open to that. “Would you be willing to talk with her?”

“Break my restraining order by voluntarily meeting with her?”

I nodded.

“Shit, Ellie. If you think it will work, why the hell not. But you’re going to be there for the conversation. I can’t be alone with her.”

“Of course I am.” Something told me I’d likely be moderating the conversation between them. “Shall I text her? See if she’s free?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Why the hell not?” He smirked.

I dug out my phone and sent the text through. I debated whether or not to tell her she’d be facing Braydon, and in the end, decided to be honest, hoping she’d still agree to come.

Me: Hey, are you free to meet now for coffee? I’m with Braydon. It’s important.

Kat: Okay . . . I’ll come.

“She’s on her way.”

“Lovely,” Braydon murmured.

I could tell he wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of facing his crazy ex-girlfriend right now, but I believed this could solve things once and for all between Braydon and his past. Which was really all I ever wanted.

Soon Kat arrived, and the gleeful expression on her face when she spotted Braydon was slightly disconcerting.

“Hey, Kat,” I greeted her with a one-armed hug and Braydon’s eyes widened. I didn’t think he was expecting that we were quite so close.

“Um, hi. Hi, Braydon.”

“Hello,” he returned coolly.

“Would you like to grab some coffee?” Might as well be a good hostess since I’d arranged this awkward encounter.

“I’m fine.” She sat down, joining us at the table so that she was seated directly across from me and Braydon.

Somehow I found the right words to explain to them both, carefully, that a last meeting seemed to be in order and my goal was to help them move past the tension that still existed between them. Katrina looked hopeful . . . while Braydon looked slightly annoyed.

Once I’d given my little speech, Katrina folded her hands on the table and stared up at Bray. “How have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you.”

Braydon’s eyes locked with mine as if to say
I told you so
and he released a heavy sigh. “This has to stop, Kat. Why are you still doing this? Trying to contact me through my agency and now getting close to Ellie. It’s been two years.”

Katrina swallowed and looked down, her poise faltering. “All I’ve ever wanted was to understand why.”

“Why what?” Braydon asked.

“Why things ended between us. I thought you loved me, but you started to become distant over time, going away on jobs and forgetting to call me when you landed, and eventually you just . . .” She stopped herself and took a deep, fortifying breath. “I want to know why I lost you.”

Wow. Okay, now we were getting somewhere.

“Fuck.” Braydon rubbed his hands across his face. “Because I was twenty-three years old at the time. Because I was immature. An asshole. Not at all ready to commit to one girl. And you wanted things from me I couldn’t give you.”

Katrina continued to watch him and listen in silent fascination.

“And there reached a point where I knew you were more serious about the relationship than I was. Once I broke things off, quite honestly your behavior worried me. Calling my parents’ house, questioning my dad about where I was. Breaking into my old apartment and staying there while I was traveling.”

A cold chill zipped down my spine. I hadn’t realized how far Katrina’s odd behavior went.

Braydon continued, “It wasn’t healthy. I thought cutting things off with you cold turkey and not stringing you along was for the best. But when you didn’t relent after a few months, my manager at the agency suggested the restraining order. He said he’d seen these types of things escalate before.”

“Oh.” Katrina looked down at her hands. “I loved you. I just needed to understand what I’d done wrong. I needed closure. And to know you were okay.”

My heart broke for her.

“You didn’t do anything wrong when we were together,” Braydon’s tone softened. “I liked you a lot. I wouldn’t have dated you for eight months if I didn’t.”

“It was nine months,” Katrina interjected.

I watched the back-and-forth between them like a game of Ping-Pong. An extremely awkward and tense game of Ping-Pong.

“Right. Nine months. But, you were ready for more, and I didn’t want to be tied down. We were at an impasse. So I figured it was best to move on.”

“I see,” she said, her voice growing shaky. She looked like she might break down in tears, so I carefully placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

She blinked back tears and nodded. “Yes. This helps. A lot, actually.”

I looked at Braydon
. See, dumbass.

“I spent the last two years wondering what I did wrong and wishing I knew what I could have changed,” Katrina said, braving a glance at Braydon once again.

“Don’t change. I hate to be cliché and say it wasn’t you, it was me. But it’s true. You will find a man who loves you and wants all the things you do. I just wasn’t him.”

She smiled weakly and nodded. “Wow, you sound like my mother. And you’re both right. It’s time to move on and open myself up to new possibilities.”

I wrapped an arm around Katrina and gave her a hug. “Good luck.”

“You guys, too.”

Katrina left a few moments later, and I could see in her eyes that she needed to be alone, probably have herself a good cry. I hoped this experience had been cathartic for her. I could already feel the growth they’d both experienced, even if it hadn’t all sunk in yet.

The mood between me and Braydon was somber as we left the coffee shop. Something between us had shifted and I wasn’t entirely sure what. I’d seen his past and been part of helping him work through some skeletons in his closet. I should have felt lighter, freer, but instead I just felt sad. Sad for Katrina that she’d wasted two years, sad for Braydon that he’d lived as a recluse after his last relationship went so wrong.

I wondered why it took two years for them to have this conversation. But maybe the time was necessary. It provided
time for emotions to cool and them both to be a little wiser and more mature to face the consequences of their actions. I was happy to help them solve it. It just still felt so senseless.

“Thank you for that,” he said.

“You’re welcome.” I was just glad it went so well.

“I’m sorry my baggage got in the way of us. I feel like an ass.”

“Guys are asses sometimes. You were young.”

Those pretty baby blues of his latched on to mine. “It’s no excuse.”

I nodded. It was refreshing to hear him take responsibility for his actions. And actually I agreed. He should have had that conversation with her a long time ago. That restraining order may have never been needed. Katrina could have moved on with her life much sooner, and Braydon would never have instituted his rules for relationship-free arrangements. And I might have had an actual shot at dating the one guy I’d fallen for. It all just felt pointless. Then again, maybe the Katrina of two years ago wouldn’t have listened and would have fought hard to win him back no matter what he’d said.

I sensed that the three of us would all be moving on bettered from our conversation today—only I didn’t know which direction Braydon and I would be going.

“You want to go home, and order in?” he asked as we stood facing each other on the sidewalk.

“No thanks. I’m tired and a bubble bath sounds nice.” I just needed some alone time to sort through my feelings, and
I thought it might do Braydon some good to do the same. Today had been a lot to take in.

He nodded in understanding. Truthfully, the heaviness of the past hour had affected us both. I could tell he wouldn’t mind being alone with his thoughts for the night.

“I’ll see ya.” I gave him one last hug and left.

I made it only a few steps, though, before the coffee was coming back up into a nearby trash can.
Lovely
. After I’d gotten sick, I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and ventured a glance over my shoulder. Braydon had seen the entire thing.
Shit.

He was at my side, supporting me with an arm around my waist in a matter of seconds. “What’s wrong? Are you still sick?”

I let out a groan and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry. I think it was the coffee. It was too much for my stomach.”

“Don’t be sorry, I’m just worried about you.”

I leaned into his side, thankful for the support. I just wanted to lie down in my bed, safe and warm.

“How long have you been sick? Be honest with me.”

“A month,” I croaked.

“Fuck, sweetheart. I’m taking you to the doctor. No arguments. Come on.”

Taking my hand firmly, he pulled me to his side and led me into a nearby cab. I leaned on him for support, much too weak to argue, and Braydon silently held me as the cab sped away for the hospital.

20

After a battery of questions and tests from the doctor and nurses, Braydon and I waited in the cold, sterile hospital room still no closer to an answer. They wheeled a machine into the space and dimmed the lights to perform an internal ultrasound to see what was going on inside my stomach. The technician probed me with a little wand and stared intently at the image on the screen.

Our relationship changed in an instant with three little words.

“Congratulations. You’re pregnant.”

The floor of my stomach dropped away. I wanted to pull the bitchy ultrasound tech by her ponytail and demand someone else repeat the scan. Someone who could make sense of this alternate universe I must have entered. Braydon wasn’t even my boyfriend. He’d never be okay with a baby. Then why was he looking at the screen like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen?

“Can you do that again? That heartbeat thingy?” he asked. He laced his fingers between mine and squeezed.

The ultrasound tech used the uncomfortable wand once again. The little black-and-white blob on the screen danced.

“We made that, kitten. You and me,” he whispered, his voice full of awe.

She adjusted a knob on the machine and the thumpity-thump sound kicked up again, insistent and sure. There was no doubting there was a baby in there. Either that or a horse was galloping in the next room. “Based on your last menstrual cycle and the measurements I’ve taken, you’re seven weeks and four days along. Congratulations again.” She removed the wand and handed me a box of tissues. “Go ahead and get cleaned up, and I’ll print some of the pictures for you to take home.”

Once she left the room, my head fell back to the table; I closed my eyes and tried to focus on what I knew I needed to do. I took a deep breath and began. “Braydon, I know you’re probably scared—I am too. But it’ll be okay. I don’t expect anything from you. I have a good job, health insurance, I can support us.” Me and my baby. How I could feel protective over something I’d known about for three minutes, I had no idea. “And there’s day care, and my mom lives nearby in New Jersey. I’ll make it work.” I had to.

His silence dragged on and I finally forced my eyes open and looked at him.

His brows drew together. “No.”

No? I was not giving up my baby no matter what he said.
That was out of the question. I’d do fine raising my baby alone, thank you very much. I could already see us—I’d be the cool mom in Central Park with skinny jeans and a chic diaper bag and the world’s most adorable baby on my hip. My mood lifted at the thought.

“This is my baby—our baby—and I will take care of all three of us. I’m not going anywhere. No fucking way.” He pressed a hand over my stomach as if to shield the baby from his curse. “Earmuffs, buddy.” With his hand still resting over my belly, he continued, “My sperm is fucking amazing.” His proud smile confused me. He was happy about this pregnancy?

Braydon helped me off the table and I redressed, then we sat in the chairs and waited for the doctor to return with the photos. I was still too much in shock to do anything more than sit there quietly. But Braydon couldn’t seem to stop touching me, lightly rubbing my knee, holding my hand, or touching my belly. My mind flashed to our unexpected romp in Los Angeles. We’d been too caught up in the moment to use a condom.

“Move in with me,” he said suddenly.

Wow.
I laughed.

“What’s funny?”

“I’ve only been to your apartment once—and now I’m being invited to move in?”

“Yes.” He turned to fully face me, gazing deeply into my eyes. “I was too cautious, scared to jump in with you like I really wanted. I could tell you weren’t the type I could have a casual fling with and not fall for. That fucked up all my plans.”
He covered my belly with his hands once again, cringing at his curse word. “But I was being a coward. Love is messy, it’s scary and overwhelming at times, but it’s everything. What my parents had, I know my dad wouldn’t have traded for the world, despite how it all ended. And I’m sick of denying how I feel about you.”

After a soft knock, the door opened and the doctor entered. I was thankful I didn’t have to respond to Bray just yet. I had no clue what to say. He was being totally irrational. The doctor sat across from us and handed me the printed black-and-white photos of my little kidney bean, and then began to cover all the prenatal dos and don’ts and what to expect during the next eight months. Basically all of life’s pleasures were being stripped away from me—coffee, alcohol, soft cheeses—but exercise was still encouraged.
Ugh
. God was definitely a man.

Braydon hung on the doctor’s every word and occasionally interjected with questions of his own. I felt numb and sat there bouncing my knee in silent anxiousness while I stared down at the photos in my shaking hands. While the doctor spoke, Braydon’s offer hung heavily on my mind. Could we really do this? Go from a faux-couple to moving in together and raising a baby? Something told me if anyone could do this and do it with humor and ease, it’d be us. We just worked. And it seemed he was finally seeing that.

We were quiet as we left the doctor’s office. The first stop was the drugstore, where we picked up gingerroot for my nausea and a bottle of prenatal vitamins, along with a tub of
rocky road ice cream, which I was suddenly craving. Badly. It took every bit of willpower I had not to peel the lid off the carton on the cab ride to Braydon’s and dig in with my bare fingers.

Though I hadn’t agreed to anything else, I did agree to a sleepover at his place.

“You sure you don’t need anything? I can lend you something to sleep in, a toothbrush, whatever you want.”

“Thank you, that’ll be perfect.”

He smiled at me, flashing that dimpled grin and those gorgeous blue eyes and I felt calmed, like maybe everything really would be okay somehow. “So . . . dinner, yes? What are you in the mood for?” he asked.

I held up my carton of ice cream. “I’m good.”

He chuckled. “Got it.” Returning a moment later from the kitchen with two spoons, we settled in the living room with the tub of ice cream between us.

I almost made him suffer by refusing to share, but then decided he’d been too sweet today. I couldn’t say no to him.

Over spoonfuls of ice cream, Braydon brought up the topic of me moving in again. “I know there’s not a ton of extra space here, but the baby would sleep in our room for the first few months anyhow, right?”

I let him talk, nodding occasionally, but not coming right out and agreeing to anything. This was a huge step for him. He should at least sleep on it at the very least, make sure it was what he really wanted.

“Why are you being so quiet?” he finally asked.

I shrugged. “It’s just a lot of change, Bray. I don’t expect you to rearrange your whole life just because I got knocked up.”

He released a heavy sigh and took my hands. “I need to say some things.”

I nodded, meeting his eyes. I would listen to anything he had to say. Maybe he was finally coming to his senses about how much work raising a baby would be.

“It was never just sex between us, we both know that. I looked forward to seeing you, bringing you dinner, listening to stories about your day. The truth is, I’m miserable when you’re not with me. You’re the one I want to see every day and I can’t sleep at night until you’ve texted me that you’re in bed. I know I sound like a pussy right now, but I don’t care. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you all this for a while now, but I was worried about your reaction. I didn’t want you thinking I just wanted to start having sex again. And I do, believe me, but I want all of you. No more holding back.” He brought a warm palm to my cheek and stroked my bottom lip with his thumb. “God, Ellie, I’m fucking crazy about you. Your smart mouth, your intelligence, beauty . . . the way you fuck. I think I fell a little bit in love that first night with you. Which was why I fought so hard to enforce the parameters of our arrangement.”

I chewed on my lip. I wanted to believe him, but I was terrified his declaration had more to do with the baby than with me. “Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean we have to . . .”

“Stop. You think I’m just realizing this? Bringing you to
my apartment, knocking down all my walls—it was stupid—I should have just told you, but bringing you here was my way of showing you I wanted more with you. I just didn’t want to push you for more when I’d already pushed you away so many times.”

He sat back against the sofa, breaking our connection and looking serious. “And I won’t push you now, either. If you want me—all of me—you have me. If you just want to be friends, you can have that too, as long as you know I’m going to be as involved in this baby’s life as I can possibly be. And it would be a lot easier if you moved in with me. The three of us could be together like a real family, travel to photo shoots together even.”

I stayed silent, tears building in my eyes. It was everything I ever wanted. I was still scared to be a mom, but excited too. “What do you think they’d say if we brought a baby on set?”

“They’d freak at how gorgeous our kid is, obviously.”

“I’m sorry, this is just a lot to process.” I pressed my fingers to my temples, abandoning my spoon in the tub of melting ice cream.

He nodded. “I know. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Let’s go get ready for bed. It’s been a big day.”

That was the understatement of the year. My day had begun with meeting Braydon to see if we were going to rekindle our friendship, then I’d helped him and Katrina put their pasts behind them, and then came the biggest bombshell of all—finding out I didn’t have the flu after all, and instead was
expecting a baby. But the biggest news of all was that Braydon wanted more with me—much more. Asking me to move in was a total shock.

As we got ready for bed, me dressing in an oversized T-shirt of Bray’s, I crawled in between his sheets. I was experiencing his soft linen sheets for the first time. It felt new and completely comfortable at the same time. Like I was meant to be here. Despite my fears that he was only being so open with me because I was pregnant, I found myself thankful that he’d invited me into his space before we knew I was expecting. It made his feelings and his declaration earlier tonight more real. It wasn’t just because of the baby. It was because he’d finally realized that he and I were great together. At least I hoped so. I curled into the fluffy pillow and felt Bray crawl in beside me. His arms snaked around my middle and pulled me to him until my back was nested in against his chest. I smiled into the darkness.

“How are you feeling?” he whispered against my hair.

“Better,” I whispered back. “How are you feeling?”

“Happy.” He kissed the tender spot behind my ear and I felt his smile against my skin. “Goodnight, kitten.”

“Night, Bray.”

I drifted off to sleep, overwhelmed by all the changes of the day but feeling like with Braydon by my side, all was right.