All She Wants for Christmas (4 page)

Fortunately, they were alone.

“Have a seat. Want something to drink?”

“No, thanks. Really, you don’t have to—”

“It was leukemia, and it was bad. She didn’t make it a year after the diagnosis. We tried everything. Chemo, radiation, alternative treatments, but it was aggressive. There was nothing we could do.”

Riley stared up at him. “That’s too young. She was, what? Twenty-four or so?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m…not in touch with people here. I didn’t know.”

He shrugged and leaned against the desk. “No reason for you to know.”

She inhaled and shuddered out a sigh. “So many people I knew. My whole life was here and I just walked away from it. From everyone.” She lifted her gaze to his. “It’s not like I didn’t care. I did.”

“I know.” And he did. He understood why. He was the reason. He and Amanda.

“I never hated you. I never hated her.”

He gave her a faint smile. “Yes you did.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She let them slide down her cheeks. He hated being the cause of her pain again.

“Dammit, Ethan. She’s dead. I never wanted that. I was angry and hurt, but I never wished harm to Amanda.”

He pushed off the desk and came to her, kneeled in front of her. “Don’t cry. I know you didn’t. Amanda dying isn’t on you. It was a circumstance.”

She sniffed, shoved the heel of one hand under her chin. “I’m just so sorry for you and for Zoey. It’s a horrible thing.”

“Zoey’s resilient. She misses her mom, but she has me, her uncles, and my parents.”

“What about Amanda’s parents?”

Ethan shook his head. “They took her death hard. Really hard. They withdrew and couldn’t cope, not even with Zoey.”

Her eyes widened. “Good God. How could they miss connecting with Zoey?”

Ethan stood, shrugged. “Don’t ask me. I tried to reach out to them, but they wanted no part of me or Zoey after Amanda died. They left town a year later, said they couldn’t handle the memories.”

Riley shook her head. “That makes no sense, Ethan. Zoey was their connection to her.”

“Don’t ask me to explain them. I can’t.”

“I’m sorry for them, but not surprised. They were always so wrapped up in Amanda. She
was
their life.”

“Losing her broke them. They were so angry, bitter, blamed me for it.”

“How could they blame you for a disease? You didn’t give her leukemia.”

“I shouldered it because they needed to blame someone for the senseless loss of their little girl. How else do you explain why a twenty-four-year-old healthy woman dies?”

Riley bent her head to her chest for a few minutes and Ethan let her grieve. When she lifted her head, she wiped her eyes and straightened her shoulders. But the pain in her eyes—that shredded him. It brought back the loss as if it had just happened yesterday.

If she hadn’t left, she would have been here when Amanda died.

That was on him. He had to bear some of the responsibility for that.

“It’s good that you’ve been there for Zoey. She needs you.”

He relaxed, thought about Zoey. “She’s everything to me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. She’s the only thing I’ve ever done right.”

Riley wanted to ask him what his mistakes were, but she saw the raw hurt in his eyes, and the pride when he talked about his daughter. She wouldn’t push any further, not after what he’d told her about Amanda.

Amanda had been her best friend once. There’d been a lot of water under the bridge since she’d left, a lot of betrayal and hurt, but for a very long time Amanda had been the closest thing to a sister Riley would ever have.

If she’d stayed in touch with the town, with Amanda, if she’d learned forgiveness sooner, she’d have known. She could have been here for her best friend during the last year of her life.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for her.”

“You didn’t need to be, but if it’s any comfort to you, Amanda felt awful about what happened. She said if I ever saw you again I was supposed to tell you that.”

Riley’s eyes widened. “I don’t want to hear that.”

Ethan frowned. “Why not?”

“Because now I can’t tell her that I’m sorry, too. I said some terrible things to her before I left. I hurt her.”

She’d hurt them both, but she couldn’t make it right with Amanda now. She’d called Amanda a slut and Ethan a cheating bastard, and then left them both in the dust and never looked back.

Ethan hooked his thumbs in his jeans, the action so familiar to her it caused an ache in her throat.

“From what I remember she did the same to you.”

“And now you tell me she said she was sorry. I’ll never get the chance to tell her.”

“You did.”

“What?”

“You did already. In your music. She listened to every song. She knew, Riley. She heard your apology.”

“You know my music. What Zoey said yesterday…”

“Yeah, I listen. I heard it all.”

The condemnation, the hurt, the raw agony of those first years. She’d always written her own music. Her first album had been her catharsis, pouring her heart out over losing Ethan to Amanda. It had been the grief of young love lost, about betrayal and anger. She’d sung about what it was like to open your eyes to what was around you so you’d never feel stupid again. The album had gone triple platinum, and she felt like she’d grown up and walked away from all of this, determined to never look back.

But she had looked back, because later on she had written about forgiveness, about becoming wise and learning from your mistakes. She had written about people doing what they thought was right, and everything not revolving around you and what you wanted, and she’d sung about letting go. After time and distance her anger had dissipated, and she had said she was sorry in her music, because she had bared her soul in her lyrics, and so much of her hurt had been directed at Ethan and Amanda. She’d made sure the whole world knew it.

She’d gotten famous off her pain, but she’d finally realized that she had caused other people pain, too. Maybe no one else knew who she’d been writing about, but Deer Lake had known.

“I’m sorry, Ethan. For the lyrics, for the hurt I must have caused you and Amanda.”

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong. I did. Amanda did. I said it that night all those years ago, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough. But you? You don’t ever have to be sorry, Riley. You did what you knew how to do. You made music and you wrote your heart out. Don’t apologize for that.”

She shuddered out a sigh. They’d needed to have this talk, but there was so much more she wanted to say, and so many things that should probably be left unsaid. For so many years she’d wanted to undo the past.

But the past was etched in stone and there was no going back and changing it now.

Yet no matter how many years went by, she’d always want to know why.

Why he’d told her he loved her, then chose Amanda over her.

She doubted she’d ever have the nerve to ask the question. The answer didn’t matter anymore anyway.

“I should let you get back to work.” She stood, grabbed her coat and put it on. She reached for the door handle, then turned. “You and Zoey coming to the concert tonight?”

He gave her a puzzled look. “Yeah. You had your agent gives us backstage passes, remember?”

Damn that Suzie. “Oh. Right. Of course. Won’t that be great? See you then.”

As she headed back toward her car, she felt empty inside.

And everything hurt more now than it ever had before.

Chapter Four

Zoey was on a high no sugar could match. Backstage in the gym, the sounds and lights and traffic of people buzzed past them as Riley’s concert team readied the stage, transforming the gym into something unrecognizable with lights and speakers and screens befitting Riley’s status. Zoey bounced up and down on her light-up tennis shoes, unable to stand still as the roadies prepped for the event and Ethan tried to keep his daughter from climbing right out of her hair.

The concert wasn’t going to start until nine o’clock, which was his daughter’s bedtime. She hadn’t napped today, either, despite his mother’s attempt to get her to rest.

His kid was going to be toast by the time the concert was over. Or she’d be on excitement overload and up all night.

Ethan prayed for toast.

“Is it time yet, Daddy? Have you seen Riley Jensen yet? I haven’t seen her. Can we go to her dressing room now?”

Zoey tugged on his hand for the millionth time. “I’m sure Riley’s busy getting ready for her concert. How about we just try to stay out of the way and be patient.”

Patient
. A word not in a seven-year-old’s vocabulary.

“But why can’t we go see her? I bet she won’t mind. She likes me.”

“How about we wait until after the concert when she isn’t so busy?”

“But, Daddy, I want to see her nowwww.”

Whining. Sure sign of a tired kid. Ethan kneeled down and looked his beautiful daughter in the eyes. “Zoey, we’re not going to Riley’s dressing room. The concert people were nice enough to give us backstage passes, which means you need to be on your best behavior. I know you’re excited, but you still have to be good. And that means doing what I tell you to do, okay?”

Her bottom lip trembled. Man, was this kid good or what? He should get her an agent. He was usually a sucker for the quivering lip, but not tonight. He didn’t want to be here. He’d already seen way more of Riley than he’d intended to during her visit, so his daughter was just going to have to suck it up.

As soon as Zoey saw that her drama routine wasn’t working, she lifted her shoulders practically to her earlobes, then dropped them, accompanied by a loud, dramatic sigh. “Okay, Daddy. I’ll be good.”

And now he had guilt. Of course, when
didn’t
he have guilt?

Fortunately, Riley came out of her dressing room, zeroed in on Zoey and Zoey sure zeroed in on Riley.

“Riley Jensen! I’ve been waiting alllll night for you!”

Riley grinned and scooped Zoey up in her arms. “You have? Why didn’t you come to my dressing room?”

Zoey shot Ethan a scathing look. “Daddy said we couldn’t.”

Riley put her down and Zoey slipped her hand in Riley’s.

“Oh. Well you could have come in. I just relax a little before I go on.”

“Believe me, if Zoey would have been in there with you, there would have been no relaxing.”

She laughed. “It’s no big deal.” She looked down at Riley. “From now on you’re welcome to be wherever I am.”

“See, Daddy? I told you she liked me.”

“You’ll be sorry you said that. You won’t even be able to go to the bathroom alone.”

Riley arched a brow. “She’s a kid, Ethan.”

“She’s seven. And demanding. Trust me on this.”

Riley looked down at Zoey. “You ready for the concert?”

“Yup.”

Suzie came over. “I have a spot all picked out for you two side stage with a great view. Why don’t you come with me so Riley can get set up?”

Ethan took Zoey’s hand. “Let’s go, Zoey.”

“See you two later,” Riley said, and moved off, a few people following after her.

Suzie set them in a chair at the side curtain where they had a perfect view of the stage. Ethan hoisted Zoey in his lap and waited while Riley set up with her band.

She looked beautiful in tight jeans and cowboy boots, a flowing turquoise top, her hair spilling in soft waves over her shoulders and long earrings that sparkled in the light. She wore bangles on both wrists that shimmered in the overhead lights, too. She looked magical. She looked like a star. Hell, she
was
a star.

The announcer came out and the packed-to-capacity crowd went crazy. Ethan had never seen so many people in the high school gym. Once word had gotten out that Riley had come home, people from the surrounding cities came in droves. The gym was at capacity, given that it was a free concert. Ethan heard Riley’s crew had set up a big screen and speakers outside for the overflow of people who couldn’t get inside, especially since the fire marshal was keeping a close count on the number of people in the gym.

After the announcer left, the crowd started clapping, their raucous cries and stomping feet commanding her to come out, demanding the curtains to part. But when the lights went out and the stage went black, a hush fell over the crowd. The curtains opened to a darkened stage and the spotlight fell on Riley sitting on a stool with her guitar.

Riley began to play, the song so familiar Ethan could hum it in his sleep. One of the songs from her first album, a song of loss and pain so deep it brought a stab of pain to him as she sang the words that had torn him apart the first time he’d heard them.

“Turns out forever meant different things to us after all.

Loving you was gonna hurt me after all

After it all, after it all, all the tears and all the pain

I still loved you, after all.”

Her voice struck him deep in his heart. When she was younger, he’d loved to listen to her whenever she picked up her guitar. But then it had just been her and her guitar in his basement or in his room or his parents’ living room or wherever they were gathered with their friends. And later, when he’d bought her CD, he’d been struck by the sheer magic of how incredible she sounded.

But the maturity of her voice and listening to her live was so much better than what he remembered from ten years ago, and light years from plugging in his iPod. This was the voice of an angel, and she sang only to him, about him, and even when she damned him for the sins he’d committed it was pure heaven.

Even Zoey was enraptured, her blue eyes wide, her normally chirpy voice silent as she leaned against his chest and stared at Riley as she went through the strains of song after song. Whether fast and upbeat and singing about cutting loose and dancing, or the slow and haunting strains as she sang of love gone wrong, she wrapped her music around Ethan and his daughter, further reminding him of what he’d given up all those years ago.

Every note further sealed for him that he’d made the right choice in letting her go, in not trying harder to find her after she’d left. This is what Riley had been meant to do, and if he’d had to fall into Amanda’s trap and lose Riley for this to happen for her, then it had been all worth it.