All Who Dream (Letting Go) (19 page)

We walked
through the house, ceilings as high as a mini-skyscraper, dark hardwoods throughout.
Everything was in true cape-cod fashion, but above all, the house was inviting
and homey.

“Yes,
this is perfect,” I said, staring into the room. “I hope our stay won’t
interfere with the party-”

“Oh, no, not at all.
It will just be some good friends and
some great food. We have a lot to celebrate. Glad you can be
apart
of it.” She squeezed my arm as Jackson walked past me
to set our duffle bags on the edge of one of the beds.

 
“I’m afraid I only packed casual clothing,” I
said to Jessica, staring at Jackson.

“That’s
perfect. We are very casual around here,” she laughed.

I sighed as
Jackson chuckled near my ear.
“Told
ya
so.”

While
Jackson and Cody changed into their swim trunks to go paddle boating, I found a
private spot on the back porch that overlooked Candlewood Lake—which was also
their backyard. I punched in the voicemail number on my phone and held it away
from my ear. The connection was awful, but I heard Rosie loud and clear. A stream
of high-pitched Spanish sentiments flowed from the speaker.

Though I could
only catch every third or fourth word, I agreed with Rosie.

Wholeheartedly.

I sat,
staring out at the sun setting over the lake while Cody prepared dinner with
Jessie. The scene in front of me looked like postcard art.

“Want to
talk about it?”

I turned
my head toward Jackson, but didn’t respond. He tugged gently on my arm, pulling
me to sit next to him on the patio sofa. Sitting beside him, I was painfully
aware of the six-inch gap between us. Everything about this man was a mystery;
I hardly knew him, yet my heart was already more invested than what was safe.
Safe
had gone out the window the first
time Jackson had smiled at me.

“I’m
scared, Jackson…”

He tensed
briefly as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his triceps
cording as he clasped his hands together. His voice was thick and husky when he
spoke, “I can’t even imagine all you’ve been through.”

Somewhere
deep inside me, a boldness I had neglected for years forced its way to the
surface. “To be honest, right now my past doesn’t scare me nearly as much as my
present. I don’t do
this
, Jackson,” I
paused. “I don’t get close to men, but you…” I let my eyes drift over his profile
as he continued to stare ahead. “I don’t know.”

He closed
his eyes and exhaled. “You’re my weakness, Angie. I don’t know how else to
explain it.”

But before
I could question him, he continued. “I’m just not sure you should let me be
yours…”

Too late.

“Dinnertime,”
Jessica said from the doorway.

Jackson
and I walked into the house together, the cliffhanger of the century weighing
heavy on my heart.

Jacob
Ross was a tall, thin man who had a smile that stretched from ear to ear. His
fingers were bony as they gripped mine, but the handshake was meaningful.

“Can’t
tell you how thrilled we are to have you and Cody here for a visit. Our kids
talk about the two of you every time they call from the city,” Jacob said as we
sat down to eat. Lasagna, salad, bread and a fruit dish were spread out on the
family-sized table.

“
Pippy
has been a great friend to me, and Cody has loved
hanging out with Peter,” I said.

Jacob
took his wife’s hand and then reached for Cody as he bowed his head to say the
blessing. Jackson’s hand covered mine a second later when he lowered his head
in the same manner. My heart thudded hard within my chest.

After the
prayer Jacob picked at his food, seemingly more eager to ask us questions than
eat. I wondered absently if his interest in people and lack of interest in food
was the reason he was so thin.

“We have
enjoyed your blog, Angela,” Jacob said, smiling. Do you see yourself writing
other types of books in the future? You definitely have a gift.”

“Thank
you. I’m not really sure. I haven’t thought too much about what could be next…”
My words trailed off as a feeling of dread took over.

“Well, I’m
sure Jackson will help you explore the possibilities. He’s a very talented-”

“I will,
Jacob.” Jackson’s voice wasn’t harsh, but his words were rushed, curt. The tone
took me by surprise and seemed to take Jacob by surprise as well. But instead
of questioning him, Jacob simply laughed.

“Good.”

I helped
Jackson with the dishes as Cody cleared the plates off the table. Jessica was
mortified that I had requested to help, but Jacob pulled her into the other
room with him, ignoring her protests.

As the
last plate was rinsed and put into the dishwasher I placed my hand on Jackson’s
arm. “I need to talk with Cody—tonight.”

He stared
at me. “Can I do something to help?”

I
swallowed. As much as his presence calmed and comforted me, I needed this
moment to be about Cody.

“I don’t
think so.”

He nodded.
“I’ll make sure you have some privacy then. The dock might be a good place to
go. It’s nice out there this time of night.”

“Thank
you, Jackson…for everything.”

I called
for Cody to join me outside. His sweet smile sent a pang through my chest as he
reached the door where I stood. I didn’t want to rob him of blissful innocence.
I didn’t want to alter his childhood. But my hand had been forced.

As we
walked down to the dock, tiny solar lights on the ground lit our path. Cody
reached for a small handful of pebbles before sitting down beside me. We took
off our shoes and submerged our feet in the water. He threw one pebble at a
time into the lake, making tiny splashes.

I took a
deep breath, praying silently for the right words to say.

“Cody—we
need to talk. I’m not sure what you heard during my interview, but I need you
to hear it from me,” I started.

“Okay,
Mom.”

“Do you
remember when we lived with Uncle Briggs, before we moved for my job at the
florist shop a couple years ago?”

“Yeah.
I miss watching cartoons with him and kicking his
punching bag in the garage.”

I giggled
at the memory. “Yes, I know you loved participating in his workouts, but I’m quite
happy not to have a gym in our garage anymore.” My face sobered as I watched
him throw a few rocks into the lake.

“Cody,
there was a reason why we lived with your Uncle Briggs—one I never told you
about.” I took a deep breath. “Before you were born, I’d been scared for a very
long time.”

He
stopped throwing rocks and stared at me in the moonlight. “What were you scared
of, Mom?”

I picked
up his hand, and traced an invisible pattern onto his palm the way I had done since
he was a baby.
“Your father.”

He
scrunched his face, concern crinkling around the edges of his eyes. My gut
twisted.

“He had a
lot of problems, made a lot of bad choices…and because of those
decisions,
he became a very hateful man. He hurt me Cody…”

“What do
you mean, mom?” Cody’s voice quivered.

“When you
were two, after I left with your Uncle to make a safer life for you and me…he
found us. He tried to take you, and I wouldn’t let him. Uncle Briggs showed up
just in time…and I had to stay in the hospital for several weeks.”

His mouth
hung open slightly as his teary-eyes searched mine. “Like…you could have died?”

The salt
from my tears remained on my lips as I spoke. “Yes, baby. I didn’t want to
leave you…I fought so hard to stay, to be your mom.”

“But…you
told me my dad died when you were pregnant with me. That he was in a car
accident. Was…was that lady right mom? Is my dad in prison?”

I
swallowed down the guilt that threatened to choke-out my next words, and closed
my eyes.
Don’t let him hate me, God.
I opened my eyes and gazed into my son’s upturned face.

“Yes,
Cody. Your father is in prison.”

For a
second he didn’t move, didn’t even blink, and then before I knew it…he was on
his feet and running away.

“
Cody
!” I cried and he halted, standing
stiff with his hands fisted.

His body
was turned away from me, facing the house as I approached him from behind. Sobs
broke from his throat as he tucked his chin to his chest. “You lied.”

Two words.

The two words
I’d done everything in my
power to avoid.

“Yes. I
lied.”

I moved
in front of him, my heart ripping in half at the sight of his hurt. Lifting his
chin with my fingers, I stared into his beautiful blue eyes. “I love you, Cody.
It’s my job to protect you. I thought I could protect you from my past if you
didn’t know that truth. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But
you…you always tell me lying is wrong.”

“It is,
Cody. And I spent a lot of time lying for your father, covering up the truth
that I should have exposed…”

“So why
did you lie for him again?”

The
question exploded in my chest like a bomb—the shrapnel cutting off my air
supply.

“Mom?”

I knelt
in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“I never
saw it like that, Code. I’m so sorry. Please,
please
, forgive me.”

Cody
sobbed and knelt down beside me, pressing his head to my chest. I rubbed small,
comforting circles onto his back.

“I
forgive you.” He lifted his head and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Is that why you help the women at
The
Refuge
?
Because they’ve been hurt, too?”

“Yes,
baby.
Because for some women it’s very hard to leave a man
like that.
They need help, support, comfort, advice.”

Cody
clung to me, quiet for several seconds more as the cicadas sang in the
distance.

Finally
he nodded. “I know who kept you safe, Mom.”

He lifted
his head and touched my necklace, the one I never took off, the one that had
seen me through every hurt and every hope.

“Your guardian angel.”

I kissed
his forehead. “That’s right, baby.
My guardian angel from God.”

Though my
nap had recharged me a little, by the time Cody headed to bed at nine, I was
right in tow with him. I don’t even remember falling asleep, my body and mind
were obviously calling out for a reprieve from the day.

I reached
for my phone, confirming it was just before sunrise. I grabbed my black journal
and slipped on my sweatshirt and shoes. After making pit stop in the restroom
and brushing my teeth, I headed out onto the deck and down the steps toward the
dock.

There was
no better depiction of hope than a sunrise.

The
darkness around me lay thick, yet there was a dim light in the distance, blanketing
the earth with a dusky gray. I brought my legs to my chin, and wrapped my arms
around them as I sat on the grass several feet back from the plants of the dock
itself. I stared out into the horizon—thinking.

“You’re my weakness, Angie…I’m just not sure
you should let me be yours.”

So much
had gone on yesterday—so much drama and frustration, yet his words ran deep. My
mind refused to let go of them without further investigation. I shook my head.

Two weeks.

That’s
what time I had left
here,
and now even that much
might be challenged. I didn’t know what the fallout would be from
Divina’s
interview, but somehow the dream of a future with
Pinkerton Press paled miserably in comparison to my dream of Jackson Ross. I
reminded myself again that I hardly knew him.

Yet there
were times I felt more in tune with him than anyone else.

How was
that possible?

As the
first brilliant bolt of orange peaked out behind the trees in the distance, I
heard footsteps behind me. I jumped.

“Believe
it or not, I was trying
not
to
startle you. I just didn’t want to miss the show,” Jackson said, his voice deep
and sleepy.

I smiled up
at him—hair disheveled, wearing track pants and a t-shirt. I’d never seen him
like that. I loved the look.

“Glad you
could join me.”

He sat
down next to me, and for a few minutes we said nothing to each other as we
watched the most brilliant colors paint the sky, bringing light to everything
around us. The moment was magical, beautiful.

“I love
to watch the sunrise when I come here,” Jackson
said,
eyes straight ahead.

“I would,
too. It’s amazing to see it like this, over the water.”

He
nodded, smoothing out his hair with one of his hands. I felt disappointed at
the return to decorum.

“What?”
he said, looking at my
face.
“Why are you frowning at
me?”

I
laughed, caught red-handed. “Oh…I uh, was just thinking that your bed-head
isn’t so bad.”

“You were
thinking about me in bed?” He grinned so wide his eyes seemed lost inside it.

I pushed
him—hard. “No! It’s just rare to see you so casual.”

“It’s
rare I get to have a reason to be casual.” His face lost all traces of humor as
he said the
words,
like that fact alone was cause for
heartache. I wanted to touch his hair then, to feel the strands run through my
fingers as I pulled his face to mine. But I didn’t move. Instead I sat frozen
in place, too afraid of the strength of the emotions raging inside me.