All Who Dream (Letting Go) (22 page)

“But once
I arrived back in New York, things got even crazier. As year two hit, my fourth
book was leaked onto the Internet, and I was forced to reveal my true identity
to my publishers—who were also my family members. We took legal action and
stopped the leak, and amazingly, we also managed to keep my name concealed. But
all the while, I was too busy for anything or anyone. I was focused only on
getting my last book out.
Livie
was patient, God
knows she was so patient, but I just wasn’t ready to settle down, not even for
her. I spent days in my office, typing. She would ask to go places, do things,
and I would always arrange for her to go with someone else. That was how I
eased my guilt.

“I was in
the middle of writing the last book when a big group of family and friends took
a winter vacation to Stowe, Vermont. We all stayed in separate cabins, using
snowmobiles to travel between the lodge and ski areas.
Livie
was so excited; she was turning twenty-five during that trip and wanted to
learn how to ski.”

He
stopped then and scrubbed a hand over his face. I didn’t move, afraid he would
shut down if I did. He took a deep breath and continued, as if fighting an
inner battle.

“It was
two days after
Livie’s
birthday when she came into my
cabin and asked me to go with her to her lesson. But I was under so much
pressure to get my first draft to my editor that I told her she needed to find
someone else to go with her. We fought—probably the worst fight we’d ever had.
I told her she was needy and high-maintenance, that she had to stop relying on
me so much…and she told me that I was the most selfish man she knew.” He
paused. “That was the last time I saw her alive.”

I gasped,
“No. Jackson…”

“She took
the snowmobile out to the mountain, but never made it to her lesson. She was
with Jacob and his friend when she fell through a shallow spot in the ice on
the lake.”

I sat up,
staring down at him. Looking at his face caused me physical pain.

“And you
blame yourself?”

He turned
his eyes to me then and blinked.

“At first
I blamed Jacob and his friend, thinking they could have done more for her…I
pulled away from everyone. Jacob called, emailed, texted…but I refused to
answer him. Though he didn’t give up on me for that entire year I avoided him,
I had convinced myself I didn’t care about any of them. It was my mom who
finally told me Jacob had been diagnosed with cancer. That was two weeks before
I took the company over to relieve him—to start being the brother I should have
been the year prior when he was dealing with all of that on his own. Once
again, I proved
Livie’s
words true. I am a very
selfish man.”

“Oh, Jackson.”

I had no
other statement. I felt his pain, his hurt, his sorrow…but most of all I felt
his guilt.

He sat
up, kicking his foot hard in the water, creating a splash.

“I’m so
sorry-”

“Stop.
Stop being sorry.
I don’t
want you to be sorry, Angie. I want you to hear what I did—
who I really am
.”

I shook
my head, processing what he wasn’t saying. “So you working for the company,
giving up your future as a writer,
is
what? Paying some
sort of penance for fighting with
Livie
before she
died and staying angry with Jacob even though you didn’t realize he was sick?”

He stared
into the lake, silent. My heart ached for him, for the guilt he carried and the
shame he refused to release. I picked up his palm and traced an invisible
message onto it, the same way I did with Cody.

I pulled
on his arm, forcing him to see me. “Do you know what we say at
The Refuge
? That the only way to let go
of our shame is to stop
acting
ashamed.”

“I’m only
trying to protect you, Angie. I don’t have a good track record when it comes to
relationships. I was a horrible fiancé and an even worse brother.”

I leaned
closer to him so that my forehead rested against his.

“I’m not
afraid of getting close to you,” I whispered.

“That
might be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Then I’m
far past stupid.”

He
shifted his face and cupped my cheeks with his hands.
“Me
too.”

And then
he kissed me in the moonlight.

There was
no hope for undoing what he’d begun inside me. I could no sooner undo the
reflection of the moon on the lake, or the way the dew weighted the grass in
the morning. My heart knew only this: it was made to love Jackson Ross.

We heard
a loud whistle from the porch, followed by an announcement for cake and more
rounds of toasting. Jackson chuckled lightly.

“You want
to go back inside?” I asked softly.

“Sure.” He
pulled me up and laced my fingers through his again as we made our way across
the yard.

Just
outside the patio door I pulled him to a stop. “Wait…what’s your pen name,
Jackson?” My heart started beating a thousand miles a minute as I waited for
his answer. He smiled mischievously, his eyes revealing the secret his mouth
wouldn’t speak.

“Oh,
my gosh
!”

“
Shhh
…” Jackson laughed.

I stood,
jaw open wide. “Rosie will seriously die…she will
die
! Oh. My. Gosh!”

“Well, I
don’t want to be liable for that. I have enough legal trouble as it is.”

I punched
Jackson in the arm. “You’re famous—like really, really famous.”

“No,
Everett Jr. is famous,” he said, kissing my temple before he opened the door.
“I’m just Jackson.”

I smiled
wide. “There’s no such thing as
just
Jackson.”

With
that, we slipped quietly into the back of the party crowd, watching Jacob as he
made his way to the front of the living room near the cake. Jessie, Peter and
Pippy
stood by his side.

They were
a beautiful family…one I would never forget.

The party
went well into the evening—toasting, pictures, hugs and laughter. The Ross
family knew how to celebrate, and I suspected Jacob’s zest for socializing had
more to do with his remission from cancer than his need for a party. Several
guests stayed over in the rooms upstairs, including Dee and Marcus. I was glad
I’d have an opportunity to speak with her at breakfast in the morning.

Jackson
had walked me to my room around midnight, shortly after Cody had fallen asleep.
We agreed to keep our interactions under the radar since Cody was leaving in
two days. There was still so much left to discuss—our honest conversations this
weekend were only the beginning. In addition, I hadn’t the foggiest idea of how
to talk to Cody about dating Jackson, but at least there was time for that. I
had two weeks to figure that part out.

I padded down the hallway to use the restroom around seven
in the morning when I was immediately put on alert. Something was wrong. Loud
voices, raised in anger came from the library—one of which I knew very well.

I had
done more eavesdropping in this house than I had in my entire existence on
earth, yet I couldn’t stop myself. Standing several feet away from the closed
door, I listened intently. I could identify three of the voices: Dee, Jacob and
Jackson.

“…never
expected you to sign your life over, Jackson. We at least need to discuss it.”

“No. The
company is not your problem to worry about anymore, Jacob. That was the whole
point of you moving out here to the country. Let it be,” Jackson said.

“Let it
be? You stepping in
was
only supposed to be temporary.
You and I both know that Stew is more than capable of taking over. He may not
be a Ross, but he worked with Dad and me for ten years. He knows the company
better than anyone else. Please just think about it. I only want you to enjoy
your life again…to write, to dream,
to
fall in love.
Dad wouldn’t want this for
you,
and either do I.”

“You’re
one to talk,” Jackson said.

“Jackson!”
Dee’s voice was high, angry.

“It’s
true! Where was
our
vote when you
decided to stop treatments?”

There was
silence for several seconds, and then I heard Jacob again, his voice soft, tender.

“That is
not how I want to finish out my life. All of our days are numbered, mine are
just shorter than most. I want to be
me
for as long I’m able to be, to know my kids’ voices and faces, to see sunsets
and rainstorms, to kiss my wife and take her dancing…those are the things I
want to fight for—not extra days pumped full of drugs, too sick to get out of
bed. I’ve accepted it, brother. I hope you will, too.”

I didn’t
hear Jackson’s response; I couldn’t. I put my hand over my mouth and ran to the
bathroom, my throat tight as tears pricked my eyes. This weekend had been
filled with emotional roller coasters, but this was biggest one of them all.
Jackson’s gathering last night hadn’t been a birthday bash or a remission
celebration. I understood the purpose clearly now.

He was
making memories with the people he loved.

He wasn’t
going to get better.

He was
dying.

Breakfast was difficult.

I could
hardly look at Jacob without wanting to cry. Everyone else seemed to function
normally. I didn’t understand that.
Pippy
had never
let on that her dad was…that he was still sick. I pushed my plate away, no
appetite present.

“Good
morning,” Dee said, sipping on coffee.

“Good
morning,” I said, trying to clear the thoughts of cancer and death from my
mind.

“I hope
you slept well last night,” she said. “It looked like your evening improved
after I left the patio?”

I flushed.
“Yeah, about last night, Dee—”

She waved
her hand in the air, “No need,
darlin
’
. I’m just glad you two had a chance to…talk.” She smiled.

I
wondered what she saw—or what she knew. I couldn’t imagine Jackson being open
with his mom about the current status of our relationship, but she was a smart
woman. Dee wouldn’t need the full scoop to know something had changed.

I smiled,
touching the pendant at my neck.

“I
arranged with
Pippy
to meet with you and Jackson on
Tuesday afternoon.”

My eyes
snapped back to hers, panic fueling my veins.

“To talk about our next steps of actions, regarding your book and
fans.”

I
exhaled. “Yes, we need to talk about that.”

“She told
me your son was about to go back to Texas, so I figured we could wait another
day. I’ll be in town all week. I have some meetings at the company I need to
attend.”

“Well,
thank you. My brother and his wife should be in New York tomorrow afternoon. They
are going to stay for a couple nights and then fly back with Cody so he can go
to soccer camp. It will be the longest I’ve ever been without him—almost two
weeks.”

Dee
looked at me with compassion, “I remember those days well. I’m glad you have
family you can trust.”

Yes, so am I.

We
chatted for a while longer, drinking coffee as several others joined us. Two
aunts, a few cousins, and a couple from Chicago were present by the time
Jackson sat down at the table beside me. He looked like he always did—capable
and in control, but still my heart ached for him. I hated knowing what I knew.
I hated that I had heard it the way I did.

It was
not information I could forget, no matter how hard I tried.

I
replayed my conversation with Jackson on the dock last night many times, trying
to get a handle on his fierce loyalty to the company—one he has no passion to
work for. I knew he felt indebted to it for reasons beyond my limited
understanding, but this morning had shed new light on the topic.

Jackson
wasn’t only trying to right his past wrongs, to relieve his guilty conscious…he
was trying to barter with God.
His life for Jacob’s.

The only
problem was: God doesn’t barter.
 

“What’s
the problem?”

I jumped
a little at his voice in my ear.

“Just
tired,” I said. “Spacing-out, I guess.”

“You’ve
been staring at that same spot on the wall for several minutes.”

I laughed,
weakly. “What time do we need to leave?”

“I need
to finish up some things here with Jacob. Is two or three okay with you? I know
you need to get back to pack for Cody.”

“Yeah,
that will be fine.” I smiled at him, wishing I could take his hand…or kiss his
face…but we were in a house full of eyes. “I was thinking I might try and read
some more. I’m dying to know what Detective Quinton is up to.”

Jackson shook
his head, turning so his face was pointed in the opposite direction as the
group seated at the table. “I knew I should have kept that a secret from you
for a while longer.”

“No way,
I’m going to soak up every word.” I smirked as he turned toward me and groaned
as if in pain.

“Maybe I
can boot out the president of your current fan-club. I’m on the PTA,
ya
know. I’ve got skills.”

His eyes
dipped to my lips.

“Hmm…I
think I’ll go out and read right now, actually, since Cody and Peter are headed
out to the lake.”

As I
started to scoot my chair back, Jackson put his hand on my leg under the table,
stopping me. The sensation sent my body into a tailspin.

“If you
become one of those swooning, young moms who wear t-shirts with
Team Quinton
written on the front, I
will be forced to retaliate.”