Almost Like Being in Love (19 page)

“If I kick your ass in court,” she challenged her ex, “you have to buy me lunch.” Jody leaned across the conference table with make-believe fire in his eyes.

“But you leave the tip,” he growled. “I’m not the one who married three billion dollars.” Annette grimaced in mock pain.

“Below the belt, but it’s a deal.” Halfway through the conference, Charleen excused herself to take a phone call, and Jody was immediately on his feet, helping her out of her chair. None of this got by Annette, who turned to me quizzically. I shrugged. Then she grinned. So I grinned back. It’s tough playing hardball when you like the other team.

Later that evening, Jody took Charleen to dinner alone. (The Pergola was out of his price range, so he chose a Sizzler with dim lighting.) He was under the impression that it was a date; she, however, brought along a legal pad, two felt-tipped pens, and a hand-held voice recorder. Duh.

Give Charleen a deadbeat who’s emotionally unstable, marginally psychopathic, or generically unemployable, and she lights up like a five-dollar slot machine with four jackpots across the center line. Deal her a hunky and chivalrous first baseman who’s absolutely crazy about her, and her cursor freezes. But Jody didn’t get to be Rookie of the Year by tossing in the towel whenever he went 0-for-4. The next morning he had two dozen daisies delivered to the office.
And Charleen couldn’t figure out
why!

“Are you sure they’re for me?” she asked dubiously.

“No,” retorted Kevin. “Actually they’re for me. Didn’t I tell you about our interludes in the men’s room? It was splashed all over the Enquirer.”

Superior Court of the State of New York in and for the County of Saratoga

In the Matter of: Kessler vs. Kessler

Case No.: Fam. 81699

The Hon. John J. Costanzo, Judge Presiding

It is the opinion of this Court that the minor child’s interests would be best served were he to remain in the custody of his mother, Annette Kessler Mueller.

PETITION DENIED.

That was a year ago. Jody made it to first base with Utica but not with Charleen, I continue to walk a very thin line with Judge Costanzo, and Noah’s Martian pajamas wound up in my den. Oh, yeah. The Red Sox landed in fourth place. When life decides to suck, it really bites the big one.

But none of it was Bill Buckner’s fault.

CLAYTON’S HARDWARE

serving Saratoga Springs since 1988

Hey, Sleepyhead.

In case you were wondering, I turned off the alarm clock on purpose.

When I kissed your ear, you didn’t even wiggle—which is a sure tip-off that you need at least two more hours of sack time. I already called the office and told them you’d be late. Charleen and Kevin can cover for you. Honey, you can’t keep working yourself like this. Noah’s an unhappy little boy who ought to be with his father, but you’re not going to score any points with Costanzo if you’re walking into walls.

Remember what you promised me at Harvard? No more saving the world single-handedly.

I’ll take care of dinner tonight. Then we’re going to bed early. We may even get some sleep.

I love you.

The Boyfriend

P.S. Forget Denmark. They’ll let us get married, sure. But then we have to live there! Is Denmark where they have the tulips, or is that Anne Frank? I always forget.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: May 20, 1998

SUBJECT
: Kessler vs. Kessler

1. (a) Jody’s Annual Income

Blue Sox

9,500

Shell Station

41,000

(b) Jody’s Liabilities

Mortgage

10,250

Insurance

2,200

Legal Fees

300

(c) Jody’s Asset

A hot butt. (Did he always have one or is this a new development?) 2. We’re going to hit Costanzo with a petition for split custody—six months apiece. How can he argue with that? “Beard the lion in his lair, none but the brave deserve the fair.” 'Gilbert and Sullivan,
Iolanthe
.)

3. Jody’s invited us to Utica next weekend. Especially you. But don’t take it the wrong way just because he said “Charleen” nineteen times. He probably needs somebody there who knows how to fold laundry.

4. Clayton and I can only get married in Denmark if we learn how to speak Flemish or Dutch or whatever the hell they talk over there, so we’re looking into Sweden. Question: how close is Vermont to making us legal? And what about other liberal states like West Virginia? Think it over and tell me at lunch. Sweet Shop, 12:30.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Craig

FROM
: Charleen

DATE
: May 20, 1998

SUBJECT
: Kessler vs. Kessler

1. I’m unavailable to spend two nights in the same house where Jody Kessler takes showers naked. Furthermore, I’ve already booked a previous anxiety attack for next weekend, so perhaps you’d better invite Iolanthe instead.

2. Of course Costanzo can argue with split custody! “Jesus H.

Christ, Craig! You expect me to bounce that kid from school to school twice a year like a goddamned tennis ball? Beat it.” We need to talk Jody into moving back to Saratoga Springs. And whatever you’re thinking, don’t go there. I assure you I have no personal stake in this whatsoever.

3. No need to deliberate—West Virginia would never allow same-sex marriage. It prevents inbreeding.

4. Kindly keep Jody’s ass out of this. He’s one of the only three straight men left in New York.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: May 20, 1998

SUBJECT
: Jody’s Ass

Wouldn’t it be funny if Anita Bryant was right and we really
could
recruit them?

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Craig

FROM
: Charleen

DATE
: May 20, 1998

SUBJECT
: Jody’s Ass

Yes, Craig. That would be a riot.

LOUISE MCKENNA, M.D.

OBSTETRICS/GYNECOLOGY

Jefferson Medical Plaza, Suite 100

903 Saint Charles Street

St. Louis, Missouri 63101

May 22, 1998

Darling:

I’m enclosing another snapshot of Douglas Colson, M.D. Isn’t he something? By the way, those muscles are real.

Sweetheart, I have nothing against Clayton, per se, but you owe it to yourself to marry into the medical profession. It’s in our blood. And we’ve always had good luck with doctors. Face it—if you hadn’t been born, I wouldn’t have had an affair with your pediatrician and your father wouldn’t have found out about it and God forbid I’d still be stuck with him.

I got your pictures from Cape Vincent. Lovely. But please don’t send any more with Clayton in them. The temptation to cut off his head is far too great.

Call if you need anything.

Love,

Mom

Craig McKenna

Attorney notes

Anatomy of a Fight

Craig McKenna vs. Clayton Bergman

(Available on Pay-Per-View in Some Areas)

LOCATION
: A kitchen on Loughberry Lake, dinnertime.

CHARACTERS
: You and your sig oth.

SETUP
: He’s stirring the hollandaise sauce, you’re checking up on the lamb chops, and for some reason—probably a metaphoric one—you wait until the asparagus begins to boil before you bring up the Freedom to Marry March on Washington.

“That’s the weekend we’re going to Rehobeth Beach,” he says brusquely, turning off the burner. “Here, taste this.” Then he sticks a hollandaise-covered finger in your mouth, hoping it makes you (a) hungry or (b) horny—anything to shut you up. It doesn’t work.

“Not enough butter,” you tell him. “Clay, Delaware’s going to be around for a while, and—”

“So’s Washington,” he cuts in. “Hand me a bowl, would you?” At that moment, the potato timer rings.

ROUND ONE

The Dinner Table

You’re both eating very slowly. It’s difficult to chew through a couple of clenched jaws.

Who

What’s Said

What Isn’t Said

You

Could I have the

Don’t you have a political

pepper?

conscience?

Him

Here.

Don’t you have a life?! What comes

next—Buffalo Springfield and your

usual police action?

You

Thank you.

I hate your hollandaise.

Him

How are your lamb

Know what you need? You need to

chops?

be spanked and sent to your room.

You

Good. They’re good.

I have nothing more to say to you.

Ever.

Him

Want some wine?

Pout at your own risk. You’re only

going to make me pop my cork.

And you really don’t want to see

that happen.

You

No.

How’s your blood pressure, asshole?

ROUND TWO

The Den

The dishes are done and you’re watching a movie—but from opposite couches.

Who

What’s Said

What Isn’t Said

Him

What did you rent? Nice meal. It was like eating granite.

Can’t we fight during the day instead?

You

I Wanna Hold Your Don’t even think about calling a Hand.

truce. You have at least three more

hours of suffering left.

Him

Never heard of it.

You’re not gonna budge an inch, are

you?

You

Trust me.

(Smirk.)

Him

Don’t I always?

Honey, work with me on this.

Rehobeth was supposed to be about

you and me and a beach and a bed,

and four days that belonged to just

You

the two of us.

I guess.

Clayton, I know that—and I’m not

trying to change the world. I just

Him

want to clean up our corner of it.

Who’s that?

You

Am I actually scoring points here?

Bobby Di Cicco. I

met him once.

Okay. Maybe only two hours of

Him

suffering.

Yeah?

You’re gonna lose this one.

ROUND THREE

The Bathroom

According to the Geneva Convention, you’re still required to take a shower together, even if you aren’t speaking. However, you’re not allowed to soap each other up without written consent first.

Who

What’s Said

What Isn’t Said

Him

You missed a spot on

I could do that for you.

your back.

You

Ooops.

All right—only twenty minutes of

suffering. But that’s as low as I go!

Him

Shit. Shampoo in my

Honey, help me understand you.

eyes.

Please?

You

Hold still, I’ll get it off.

Clay, I need you to rewrite the rules

with me. Don’t you see? Why are we

running halfway around the world to

get married when we ought to be

able to do it right here? We wouldn’t

even need carry-on luggage.

Him

Thanks.

I love you.

You

Dope.

I’m going to lose this one.

ROUND FOUR

The Sink

You’re taking turns brushing your teeth and trying not to look at each other in the mirror.

Who

What’s Said

What Isn’t Said

Him

Okay. What if I trade you

I’ll make a deal with you. If

Rehobeth Beach for a whole week we both give in at the same to be named later?
Just us
.

time, everybody wins.

You

Sure. We can make it Miami in

You mean I got away with a

November. There’s this

pout?!

referendum on the ballot that I

want—

Him

Hey!

I’m saying yes.

You

I’m kidding
!

I love you too.

ROUND FIVE

The Double Bed (from Ikea)

You’re lying against his chest and doing something nonsexual with one of his nipples. He doesn’t like Chin-in-the-Neck or Falling-Asleep-

Kissing, but he’s invented the Playing-with-Your-Hair thing, which works almost as well. Both of you are a little worn-out—it’s been a long night.

What’s Said/What Isn’t Said

‚Honey?‛ he murmurs gently.

‚Mmmmm?‛

‚Didn’t two guys go to Bolivia once to tie the knot?‛

‚That was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.‛

‚In your dreams.‛

Then he kisses the top of your head and you fall asleep.

FINAL SCORE: DOUBLE TKO

Would it have killed them to make being in love a little easier?

6

Travis

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

T:

1. Here’s what I found on the Internet: there’s 118 McKennas in St. Louis, but no Craig. There’s 74 Craig McKennas in the U.S.