Almost Like Being in Love (42 page)

Click here for Jessica’s first poem 'about Elmer the Patchwork Elephant)

Click here for pictures of me in my Speedos (edited by my wife for home viewing)

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Click here to post a message on my bulletin board (Keep it clean. The kids can work a Web browser.)

Dear A.J.,

1. Dinner was a disaster. Jessica ate her broccoli and chicken, but Katie ate crayons. A blue one and a red one. Now her diaper looks weird.

2. Jessie wanted to stick the
Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
singalong tape into the VCR herself, so I let her. Do head cleaners work on grape jelly? Because Uncle Remus is glued on Pause.

3. Before I could catch her and plunk her in the tub, Katie ran out into the front yard and began shrieking “I’m naked! I’m naked!” to most of Santa Monica. We can probably expect a visit from Social Services any minute.

4. We survived a major crisis when Jessie dropped Dipsy and Po into the toilet to see if they’d flush. The plumbers left twenty minutes ago, but while they were down there they also found Elmo and $18 in change.

5. What does “Daddy no chockit” mean? Katie started chanting it right after Travis called and the kids were fighting over who got to talk to Uncle T next.

My dad’s preempting them on Saturday and your mother’s taking them to the zoo on Sunday to see the raffes and the effants. Would I be considered a lousy father if I moved while they were gone?

Incidentally, had I known four years ago that “dusting off” your journalism degree meant losing you to Canada for ten days, I’d have set fire to it first—so in case you’ve forgotten how to take a hint, the Toronto Film Festival doesn’t need you nearly as much as your children do (not to mention your other half ).

I love you. I miss you. I’m lost without you.

G

Dear Mr. Mom:

This morning they screened your Richard Gere movie. To quote the man I married, “Yikes!” Wait until you see my review in the Times.

'Don’t worry—you’re the only one who doesn’t get the blame. “Despite a taut script by Gordon Duboise….”(

Loosely translated, “Daddy no chockit” means “Uncle T gives me Hershey Kisses and toys and pony rides and anything else I want, but Daddy is a cranky old doodyhead who says things like ‘No’ and ‘Stop it’.”

Don’t take it personally—I get the same routine after they’ve spent an afternoon with Grandy: “Mommy no ice pops.”

I’ll be home in three days. Lock up the Crayolas until then.

(Especially the green ones. That’s her favorite flavor.) I love you back. So do Dipsy and Po.

Mrs. Mom

P.S. I’ve thrown up three times since breakfast, and not because of Richard Gere. This one’s going to be a boy—he’s already too much of a pain in the ass to be anything but. All things considered, I’ve pretty much settled on naming him Travis Craig Duboise, but you get a vote too. We can always call him T.C. or Beav.

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Are you still there?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Who wants to know?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

I’ve got to write my bio for Who’s Who. Would it be fair to say that I look like Tom Cruise?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Yes. Except for your eyes, your nose, your mouth, and your hair.

Besides, he’s a lot younger than you are.

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Did anybody ever tell you that you’re heartless?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Only Heathcliff, Catherine, and the Pioneer Scouts. But they didn’t mean it.

Superior Court of the State of new York in and for the County of Saratoga

CITY OF SARATOGA,

) CASE NO. CIV. 100455

SPRINGS,

)

Plaintiff,

)

)

vs.

)

)

THE PIONEER SCOUTS,

)

a nonprofit corporation,

)

Defendant.

)

____________________________ )

HEARING ON DEFENDANT’S MOTION TO DISMISS

The Honorable John J. Costanzo, Judge Presiding

TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS

Attorneys for Plaintiff, City of Saratoga Springs: Charleen W. Kessler, Esq. Attorney for Defendant, The Pioneer Scouts: Derek Hershman, Esq.

1 THE COURT:

Are all counsel present?

2 MS. KESSLER:

Plaintiff, Your Honor.

3 MR. HERSHMAN:

Defense, Your Honor. Requesting

dismissal on behalf of the Pioneer Scouts.

4

5 THE COURT:

Again?
Now
what did they do?

6 MS. KESSLER:

It seems they removed a troop leader for

having a boyfriend—

7

8 MR. HERSHMAN:

Objection, Your Honor. Counsel attempts

to cite the New Jersey appellate decision

in
Aronson vs. Boy Scouts
, which has no

jurisdiction in this Court.

9

10

1 MS. KESSLER:

It does now, Your Honor. House Bill No.

7972. Enacted into law at midnight. “No

organization qualifying for nonprofit

status shall promote any type of

discrimination based upon sexual

orientation.”

2

3

4

5 THE COURT:

Who pushed that one through?

6 MS. KESSLER:

Craig McKenna.

7 THE COURT:

Why did I ask? Did he really tell Trent

Lott to—

8 MS. KESSLER:

Yes, Your Honor. And may I remind the

Court that he’s still admitted to the bar

of this state? So if, for some unlikely

reason, defendant’s motion is sustained,

I’ll have to ask the Congressman to try

this case himself.

9

10

11

12

13 THE COURT:

Just what I need. Motion denied. The

complaint stands.

14

15 MS. KESSLER:

Thank you, Your Honor.

16 MR. HERSHMAN:

Objection!

17 THE COURT:

Next case.

LOUISE MCKENNA, M.D.

OBSTETRICS/GYNECOLOGY

Jefferson Medical Plaza, Suite 100

903 Saint Charles Street

St. Louis, Missouri 63101

Darling:

You made all the papers here. “St. Louis Boy Kicks Trent Lott’s Butt.”

Alma Colson is livid. The only thing her son did last week was remove a kidney stone.

Clayton has a birthday coming up. He never did accept gifts graciously. This year he’s attempting to put me off by claiming he wants a boa constrictor. I may just send him one.

Call me.

Love,

Mom

CLAYTON’S HARDWARE

serving Saratoga Springs since 1988

Craig—

We finally fixed the living room tilt at the house in Cape Vincent, but then Brian went and left a pile of varnish rags on the floor. While we were at dinner, they spontaneously combusted, so now we need a new wall too. Since you’re the one who hired Kevin, and since Kevin’s the one who set up the blind date with Bri, this is all your fault. So if I end up on the losing end of a spousal abuse suit, I expect you to represent me.

I’m enclosing an article that was in the
Courant
. They bleeped out what you said, but they kept the photo of Trent Lott with his mouth hanging open. According to page 3, your approval rating just went up another six points. Can’t you just imagine what would have happened if you’d pulled a stunt like that when we were still living together? You’d have been sleeping on the couch through basketball season. Without sheets.

This isn’t for publication, but they’re angling to bring a Double-A franchise to Flatbush, and Jody and I may have a shot at the contract for the ballpark. (Travis is going to break my neck if we don’t make it look like a little Ebbets Field, so what choice do we have?( I’ll be down in the city from the 14th to the 18th—save me two lunches, a dinner, and a Mets game to be named later.

I love you.

C

Noah Kessler

1255 Carriage House Lane

Saratoga Springs, New York 10266

Dear Craig,

Okay. Maybe we need to redefine our terms. When I said you should tell Trent Lott to kiss your ass, I was being facetious. Mocking. Comical.

Without significant purpose. I didn’t mean you should actually do it—and definitely not in front of CNN.

You once told me that the only thing I needed to know about being a man was that one less sock always comes out of the dryer. You were full of shit. This is just a random sampling of the minefield I live in—

and I’m not even 18 yet!

1. There’s this girl. Her name is Soupy. 'Not really, but we have three Susans in our class so we identify them by their last initials. Sue B., Sue L. and Sue P. Soupy’s got sort of amalgamated.) She ignored me for most of two semesters and then she cornered me in a coat room and asked me if I wanted to kiss her. So I told her yes and proved it. Now she says she’ll go to the junior prom with me but it doesn’t mean anything serious because kissing her before I found out about stuff like her favorite bands and movie stars, etc., means that I’m not emotionally available yet. What’s that all about?

2. They had Mother’s Night at school. Mom and Charleen both came. I tried to keep them away from Mr. Landey and his Comp Lit classroom, but they found it anyway. So he showed them my last book report. '“
Canterbury Tales
. There was a cook and he had a venereal disease and he got it in the food. Do I really need to know this?”( The other kids only have one mother to kick their ass. I get yelled at in Dolby.

3. Dad thinks that because I’m 17 he needs to walk me through The Talk again. Get this: “You’re okay with masturbation, right?” Okay with it? Craig, I
invented
it. Five years ago!

Remember when we all went to the Hall of Fame for my birthday weekend? And remember at dinner when we had that really pretty waitress with the big you-know-whats and all of a sudden I got sick in the middle of the salad and asked if I could go up to my room and lie down? Hello? Did I
look
sick?

4. My best bud Glen is having boyfriend troubles, so in between prepping for my SATs and practicing my emotional availability, it’s part of my job to help him plot strategies for running into Doogie by accident—which is supposed to remind them about how much they love each other. (Doogie, incidentally, would be a major league asshole if he tried a little harder, but he’s not motivated enough to move past minor league dipshit.( Meanwhile, there’s this terrific kid named Ricky who plays football and sits two rows in front of us in Trig, and he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off Glen all semester. Everybody knows it except Glen. Is it a guy thing, or are men just morons?

5. Since I already know that I’m going to major in either politics or television, there’s only two colleges I want to apply to: Syracuse and Columbia. But Syracuse means that Mom and Dad and Charleen and Clayton and Brian and whoever else feels like it can sneak over there to check up on me when I’m not looking, and Columbia means that you’ll do the same thing and don’t try to tell me you won’t. I need Travis to help me write a Declaration of Independence so the adults in my life can get a hint that I’m not a kid anymore.

But you were right about the socks.

I love you.

Noah

P.S. Can Soupy and I come and stay with you this summer? Maybe you can convince her that I have sensitivity.

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

You’re working too hard. Want to play hooky and go to a movie with me?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

You have too much time on your hands. Why don’t you write another book?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

About what?

TO: [email protected]