Almost Lost (13 page)

“How am I doing in that area?”

“Would you like to take home a little quiz to evaluate where you are?”

“Homework from a shrink?”

“From this one, yes! To me homework is imperative to change! At mental health seminars and conferences I sometimes hear about people who have gone to therapists for five, ten, or more years. They feel better when they are at the therapist's and may feel better for a while after they've left, but if they aren't
doing
some things themselves to make changes in their lives, change is not going to happen!”

“You're soooo right. Remember when I first came into your office? I didn't want to listen to or look at anything you had to offer. It was like you were spreading a fantastic emotional feast before me and I was
totally mentally anorexic
. No way would I have anything to do with it!”

“And there was no way in the world, at that time, that I could have forced you to!”

“Sorry about that.”

“What has changed since then?”

“First of all MY 'TUDE! I now not only want to talk
and
listen, I want to pick your brains.”

“You're saying you've seen the
positive
always-looking-for-the-good
Light of Life
that can shine within you even during the darkest storm on the darkest night.”

“Yep. I think this time for sure I've conquered the darkness demons through my own kind of positive bright-white-light therapy. I'm making it a permanent part of myself, and I'm prepared to face a minor depression here and there because
my special light
will always
be turned on
in my heart or head or somewhere.”

“That's deeply wonderful and mature, Sammy.
NOW
you understand one of the greatest principles of life.”

“What?”

“That darkness
cannot
be taken into a lighted room or a lighted mind!”

“Are you telling me I'm finally getting my screwed-up self unscrewed?”

“I am! And you're getting there
fast!
”

“Wow! I'm solidly stoked!”

“You should be! That's why I'm giving you the SELF-EVALUATION ROAD MAP QUIZ to take home and work on.”

“Road map?”

“You want to know if you're on the road to good mental health or mental illness, don't you?”

“It sounds scary.”

“No way! Not for you! Answer the questions truthfully and thoughtfully in the first box. Every week answer them again in the second box, then the third box. When the boxes are full, erase all but the first answer and start over. You'll be delightfully surprised at how fast you'll grow and change once you become aware of what you are doing, or not doing, that can be detrimental to your mental health.”

“I think I'm beginning to learn that in the future I will be mainly responsible for
making
both my good luck and my bad luck.”

“And that it's not as much ‘luck' in life as it is
ATTITUDE!
Have you ever heard the saying, ‘IT'S YOUR
ATTITUDE
THAT DETERMINES YOUR
ALTITUDE
'?”

I handed him the quiz.

“That makes sense to me. See you.”

SELF-EVALUATION
ROAD MAP TO MENTAL ILLNESS

Where do you
want
to go?
Where
are
you going?

 

Answer questions with a number from 0 to 10: 10 being often, 0 being never.

DESTINATION: WEEKS

MENTAL ILLNESS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

• 1. I have low self-esteem
  
• 2. I am hostile
  
• 3. I am melancholy (sad)
  
• 4. I seem detached from myself, others, life
  
• 5. I am negative
  
• 6. I am pessimistic
  
• 7. I can't trust people or things
  
• 8. I am fearful
  
• 9. I am irritable
  
• 10. I am not motivated
  
• 11. I am critical
  
• 12. I am unappreciative
  
• 13. I am indecisive
  
• 14. I often feel inferior
  
• 15. I feel guilty
  
• 16. I feel unlovable
  
• 17. I do not respect myself
  
• 18. I feel hopeless
  
• 19. I feel helpless
  
• 20. I feel I am a burden
  
• 21. I am impulsive (I want what I
  want now!
  )
  
• 22. I am obsessive (I give my control to whatever)
  
• 23. I am loud, crude, and rude
  
• 24. I worry about my health
  
• 25. I blame others
  
• 26. I have suicidal impulses
  
• 27. I hate—I'm angry
  

Check your answers and YOU DECIDE if you are on the MENTAL ILLNESS ROAD. Do
you want
to change roads?
Can anyone else
change roads for you?
Should
you change roads?
Would
you be happier and mentally and physically healthier if you did? Are
you going
to change roads? If so,
when?
Is there a better time than
now?

Retake the test in a week. You'll be surprised how much you'll have changed for the better.

However, only you
can make the change!

SELF-EVALUATION
ROAD MAP TO MENTAL WELLNESS

Answer questions with a number from 0 to 10: 10 being often, 0 being never.

DESTINATION: WEEKS

MENTAL ILLNESS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

• 1. I love and respect myself
  
• 2. I love and respect others
  
• 3. I feel happy and peaceful
  
• 4. I enjoy being with others
  
• 5. I enjoy being by myself
  
• 6. I am positive
  
• 7. I am optimistic
  
• 8. I trust myself
  
• 9. I trust others
  
• 10. I know the difference between real and fanciful fears
  
• 11. I am not easily irritated
  
• 12. I am motivated
  
• 13. I enjoy my job, school, or whatever I am doing
  
• 14. I am not critical
  
• 15. I am appreciative
  
• 16. I can make good decisions
  
• 17. I do not feel inferior
  
• 18. I do not feel hopeless
  
• 19. I do not feel helpless
  
• 20. I am not impulsive
  
• 21. I am not obsessive
  
• 22. I am not hostile
  
• 23. “Down times” do not last more than two or three days
  
• 24. Life is exciting, challenging, and fun
  
• 25. I look forward to a happy, successful future
  

Check your answers and YOU DECIDE if you are on the MENTAL WELLNESS ROAD.

Do
you want
to change some of your habits and thinking patterns? Do
you think
you should? Are
you going
to make the changes? If so,
when?
Is there a better time than
now?

Check your answers once a week and if you are willing to
WORK
for change and positive growth there
will
be change and positive, happy, fulfilling, growth!

SUMMARY OF SESSION

Before Sammy's school started, he called two boys he grew up with and asked them to help him back. Dr. Davidson, the new principal, was once a gang member. He has sent all gang members to an alternative school. Sammy was given SELF-EVALUATION ROAD MAP QUIZ exercise papers so he could evaluate his own state.

Samuel Gordon Chart

Friday, September 9, 3:30
P.M.

Eighth Visit
SAMUEL (SAMMY) GORDON, 15 years old

 

NOTE: A message was left on the answering service voice mail. Sammy, sounding like he had been flattened by a steamroller, said he
had
to see me
right away!
I returned his call and suggested he come over as soon as possible. I never take lightly anyone's cries for help, particularly someone who is, or has been, suicidal.

“Who emptied your emotional tank?” I asked gently.

“It's a long, cold, black story.”

“I can see and hear that you are hurting deeply. Let's tend to your wounds without wasting time.”

Sammy crumpled into my La-Z-Boy chair and sobbed like a small child, his body contorted with suffering. For a long time I rubbed his head, neck, and shoulders. His muscles were taut, as tense as metal springs. Softly I started whispering to him. “Relax…let go…unwind…release the pressure. You're safe and protected…relax, relax.” I began putting finger pressure on his shiatsu nerve centers.

“It's okay to cry, Sammy. It's even good to cry. It's pressure relieving and a natural response for relinquishing pain. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Be grateful that
you
have someone you trust enough to completely open your soul to and that you can cry around. You know I understand and care, don't you?”

Through his lessening sobs he sniffled, “Yeah.”

It was some time before Sammy could talk. When he did the words tumbled out in such a jumble that they hardly made sense. Little by little the words began to string together into a semblance of sentences—agonizing, excruciating utterances that can only be completely understood by those who have suffered through truly deep depression.

“I wanted out,” he said. “I wanted to do it! I felt I had to! I just didn't know how. My life isn't worth shit, nothing is. I'm certainly not worth shit to anybody, including myself.”

“Whoa, boy. Relax and back up a bit. I know something has happened to
distort your thinking
, and that's all right.
Massively distorted thinking
has happened to many people long before you and will happen to many people long after you. Let's explore
what
got your thinking so out of whack. But first let me congratulate you.”

“Why would you want to congratulate me?”

“Because no matter how depressed you were or how distorted your thinking was, you
didn't
lose your control completely.”

“You just think I didn't.”

“No. You didn't do
it
. You might have thought about suicide, but you didn't try it—or did you?”

“No…”

“And you came to me to sort of…”

“Get my brains unscrambled?”

“You
could have
tried to run away from your new problem, whatever it is, couldn't you?”

“Yeah, but I am smart enough to know
now
that even if I did, no matter where I went, I'd take the problem with me.”

“See why I'm proud of you? You don't keep your brains in your pocket.”

“It seems I do most of the time.”

“Stop it! You are talking about a kid I admire and respect much more than he ever suspects! He's neat and he's cool and he's bright and he's good. So, he does goof up once in a while; we all do! It's part of being a member of the human race.”

“I'm dropping out of the race.”

“It's not that easy, friend. In the race of life you've got to expect some mountains and some alligator- and poisonous snake-filled swamps.”

“I'm too tired and mixed up for all that goody-goody, look-for-the-good crap.”

“Then I don't know what you're doing here. I'm the queen of goody-goody, and if you're happy, or at least content, to stay where you are, I can't stop you. Nobody can.”

A single big tear sneaked out of Sammy's right eye. “Please stop me! Please help me escape from the deep black, no-way-out pit I've dug myself into again. I don't know how I got from where I was to here. It happened sooo fast. Last time I did it, I let the black pain whop me. Then I tended it and nourished it and babied it until it grew bigger than I was. After a while, it literally became my dictator and slave master. This time the black pain came all at once like an avalanche, completely burying me, body and soul.”

“Something must have triggered it, dear Sammy. Don't you honestly know what caused this self-destructive relapse?”

“I know,” he said sadly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

His head fell down on his chest, and his body tightened.

“Do you think you
should
talk about it?”

Silence.

“Is it possible you
must
talk about it before you can relieve the pain and stress and find the secret passage out of the darkness?”

He sighed so deeply that it seemed to come from his toes. “I can't! Well, maybe I can. I'll do whatever
you want
.”

“It doesn't work that way, Sammy. Remember, I can't take responsibility for your life.
You
must
want to do
whatever it is you
should do!
”

“There isn't any other way?”

“There is no other way! All of us have to accept the consequences for each of our actions:
Positive rewards for positive actions and negative penalties for negative actions
. Does that compute?”

“Yeah.”

“So? What was the action or thought, or whatever, that caused you to again dredge up your old rotting garbage and willfully wallow in it?”

“How did you know I'd done that?”

“It was easy. You were emotionally reeking with the stench of all your old fetid sewage.”

“Looks like the first time I had to face up to a consequence, I dived right back into the old black septic tank I'd just managed to climb out of, doesn't it?”

“And was it wise?”

“No. But I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to escape from the humiliation, the embarrassment…the pain.”

“Did you?”

“Hardly! Instead of escaping from all of it I compounded it a hundred million, zillion times.”

“Smart move?”

“Dumb move! One of my dumbest! Of all the stupid things I've ever done…the super stupidest!”

“Want to vent exactly what happened?”