Almost Lost (2 page)

“None of the above is as important as, ‘Do you love him?' That's Number 1.”

“I love him with a kind of love I didn't even know was possible until I became pregnant. I loved him when he was just a microscopic fertilized egg. Lance and I talked to him and called him Eggbert. Even before we were married we planned on having him. We both came from broken homes and we wanted our baby to have a perfect existence.”

“Do you think anyone has a
perfect
existence?”

“Maybe not, but I knew then, and I know now, so little about mothering. If I'd just known more, maybe I could have done better.”

“Do you have other children?”

“Two daughters, ten and thirteen.”

“How are they doing?”

“Great. Sometimes it's like they are a different species than Sammy.”

“How?”

“I don't know. I certainly didn't mean it the way it came out.”

“What is one of the differences?”

“Well…on rare occasions I have to work longer hours if the hospital is short-handed or I pull an extra shift or two if there are emergencies. I'm not home enough. It seems I'm never there when Sammy wants me or needs to talk.”

“Does he talk to you and tell you his needs when you are there?”

“Well, no. It's more and more like he shuts himself up inside himself and I can't get through. Besides, when we do talk, I always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, in the wrong way.”

“Can you talk with your daughters agreeably, at least most of the time?”

“Yes, most of the time we pretty much understand each other.”

“Are you a good nurse?”

“Of course I am. Why do you ask?”

“Because you said you were a bad mother. Are you really a bad mother?”

“I honestly don't know. Dana and Dorie say I'm not, but sometimes I get mad and let it show…or close up to keep from cracking up…or go in the bathroom, turn the water on and cry my heart out. Most of the time now I feel
so
frustrated…and helpless and hopeless and ineffective and unnurturing. I can't seem to get through to Sammy and…sadly I've found that even love is not enough…and money is not enough. I went through a stage where I tried to buy him everything and it didn't work. And I've prayed and I've prayed and I've prayed…and I've failed and I've failed and I've failed. I want so much for him to be happy and fulfilled and outgoing and all the wonderful things he
used to be but…I can't seem to make him do any of the things that would bring him joy.”

“That is a sad truism.”

“What?”

“That you can't
make
him do anything. All human beings are born with free agency, and it seems very easy for some to
choose negative paths which can only lead to negative destinations!
”

“But I can't just give up on him. I won't!”

“You're right! You must
never
give up on him, but you can stop beating up on yourself for not being perfect. No one is perfect.
Try loving yourself as much as you love him
.”

“But I want, I need,
him
to love
me!
He doesn't think I love him or that I care, or understand, or empathize, or want him to be
him
. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, he doesn't…well…like me. Often I think he can't stand me! He has no respect for me.” (Her anguish was almost physical.)

“Shhh. Relax and think about what I'm going to say seriously and calmly for a moment.
How do you think Sammy can possibly like or respect you, when at this point he doesn't like or respect himself? People who are going through a depressed or angry time in their lives see everything and everyone in direct ratio to how they see themselves
. Does that make sense to you?”

“A little. I know he's suffering deeply, and I know it doesn't help him or me, but I'm suffering along with him.”

“You're a good woman! And a great mom!”

“No, no, no.”

“Yes, yes, yes. And Sammy does love you. You are his anchor, his foundation.”

“I know your sessions with people are confidential, but did he say that? Did he actually say that?”

“Yes, he said it. Not verbally but nonverbally in many, many ways.”

“That makes me feel a little better. I guess as long as he knows I love him, and I know he loves me, maybe we will survive through this stage of his growth process. It
is
just a stage isn't it?”

“In most cases, lost kids do find themselves.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you
for telling me that!
I've been so scared, and I've tried so hard to be a good mother, but obviously I haven't made it.” She hunched in her chair. “I did try though, to do my best.”

“I believe you, and if you've done the best you know how, be comforted. Let peace rest in your heart and mind. YOUR BEST
IS
GOOD ENOUGH.”

“Actually, I'm not honestly sure I've ever really, truly done my…very best.”

“Don't waste energy on that. In all my years as a therapist I've never met one single woman who felt she had done an adequate job as a mother—had felt totally satisfied with her every attitude and action—and that certainly includes me. We've all read about Abraham Lincoln and others who talked about their ‘angel mothers' who never raised their voices, or got short-tempered, or felt ‘put upon,' etc. I suspect most of those memories
were much more nostalgic than accurate
. So don't worry about getting impatient or frustrated, or even raising your voice and ragging once in a while. Those things often show how
much
you care.”

“I
do
care.”

“Then raise your mind-set to a level where it's positive and optimistic, for
pessimism and negativism are
both literally powerful toxins
. They can poison your mind and body as surely as any lethal chemical. Pessimism and negativism are both
forms of self-abuse!
”

“I'd never thought about that before, but it makes sense. I'm going to start working on putting more positive, optimistic concepts into my life.”

“When?”

“Right away.”

“What about
right now?
”

“Okay,
right now!
”

“If you'd like, I'll give you a positive relaxation exercise. It's an autogenic type of training that can help you lessen your anxiety, stress, and tension—a form of self-hypnosis which can help you to help yourself both physically and mentally.”

“I can use that.”

My voice slowed down and became softer: (The following is a condensed version of a twenty-minute introduction to hypnotherapy.)

“See that tiny little dark spot on the ceiling. You might want to stare at it. Relax…stare at it…concentrate only on that one small spot. Your eyes may be getting heavy and hard to hold open. If you wish, close them and nestle down snugly into your chair, your head resting comfortably on the back. Invite your unconscious mind to pass soothing messages to your relaxing body.”

My voice slowed even more until
each word
seemed fluidly elongated. I repeated each phrase three times.

“I feel quite quiet…quite quiet…quite quiet…

“I am relaxing easily…relaxing easily…relaxing easily…

“Breathing slowly and deeply…slowly and deeply…slowly and deeply…

“My right arm feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…

“My left arm feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…

“My neck and shoulder muscles feel unstrained and relaxed…unstrained and relaxed…unstrained and relaxed…

“My right leg feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…

“My left leg feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…

“I am feeling quietly relaxed…quietly relaxed…all over…

“I feel my self-control levels slowly, warmly, and comfortingly, increasing in every molecule of my body and mind…I feel my self-control levels slowly, warmly, and comfortingly, increasing in every molecule of my body and mind.

“You may want to take a few seconds to move the muscles in your shoulders and neck and hands and feet slowly before you open your eyes.”

“Ohhhh, that was soooo nice. I wish you could relax me like that many times a day.”

“I can't, but
you
can! I am going to give you, as you leave, a complete copy of the SET NUMBER 1 concept that you've just experienced. You'll probably want to silently in your subconscious repeat and comply with each phrase at least twice a day, in a quiet, thoughtful way. You'll find that the more often you return your body to a state of restful quiet, the higher your energy and self-control will be when you start working again.

“Oops! I almost forgot to ask you to tell me something about Sammy's father.”

“There's not much to tell. I helped Lance through
school till he became a computer programmer in Silicon Valley, then he decided we were not ‘with it' enough and unceremoniously dumped us. It's okay though. He regularly sends money for the kids, and I bought our nice home with the divorce settlement money. I don't really think there's much stress in our lives connected with him anymore.”

“What about his relationship with Sammy?”

“Since the divorce he hasn't been a great part of the girls' lives, but Sammy has visited him on Christmas holidays and school breaks.”

“You didn't sense anything different in Sammy's behavior after his last visit?”

“I don't think so, but while Sammy was gone, Lance's aunt, who was visiting us, fell and fractured her femur. I guess I was pretty busy with her. Should I have noticed something?”

“Not necessarily. For now just quit worrying so much about your kids and
start taking a little more interest in the hurting little child within yourself
. She needs love and attention, too, you know.”

“It seems like there's not much energy left for
me
these days. I'm so concerned about Sammy. He's on my mind day and night, morning and afternoon.”

“Does that interfere with your work or your relationship with your daughters, do you think?”

“Possibly…probably! But I don't seem able to control the sometimes stabbing, almost-suffocating fears I have regarding my
boy
, who has become almost a stranger to me. I guess what I'm really trying to say is I feel constantly guilty because…” She shrugged.

“Are you saying that you're allowing your fears and negative positionings to take over and
control
your life in a sense?”

“I'm afraid so.”

“Are there physical ways in which your stressors are manifesting themselves?”

“Oh, yes. I, who seldom had headaches, now not only have them in my head but also in my neck. If one can have headaches in her neck. Anyway, it's the same indescribable black-iron pulsing pressure. I'm ashamed to admit that one day I hurt so much I actually found myself crouched in a fetal position in a corner of my closet, rocking back and forth. It was frightening. In fact, I think that was the incident that convinced me to come see you.”

“You truly need relief from your troubling emotions and pain, don't you?”

“Yes, but I'm desperately afraid of becoming dependent on meds. You wouldn't believe the number of women I see and know who are hooked on prescription stuff.”

“Yes I would but let's not worry about that. For the moment we're only interested in
you
. Would you like to try a simple but effective mind-over-matter exercise? I think you will respond very well to the procedure.”

“At this point I'm ready to do anything to alleviate the stress and the pain.”

“At this moment, what rating would you give your discomforting feelings?”

“Rating, like in numbers?”

“Yes.”

“You mean 1 to 10?”

“I mean 1 to whatever number you feel good with.”

“Well, I guess
all together
today, it's about a thirty.”

“Close your eyes, loosen your tight, tense mus
cles. Let peace flow over you in a soft white film. See your number thirty in big red neon figures.”

“I can see it.”

“Can you see it clearly?”

“Yes.”

“Then slowly and carefully will it away from you. Watch it drift farther and farther away for about ten seconds to a minute. I'll talk you through the exercise this time and when you get home you can allow your unconscious to repeat the process if, or as, needed.”

My voice slowed down and became softer.

“First relax. Quietly, soothingly, peacefully relax. Start with the hair follicles on the top of your head…slowly…slowly…relax them. Relax down the sides of your face, which is becoming smoother and smoother…past your ears…your eyes…your nose.”

As I talked I occasionally reached out and softly touched a part of her body as I referred to it.

“Your face is now totally unlined and relaxed. Your head and neck pains are noticeably lessening. They are fading…bleaching…softening from metal-hard black, tight and taut, to a soft, more pliable, light grey color. You have rated your discomfort at 30—the number is drifting away from you…from a squeezing, metallic tense 30 to a softer, less imprisoning 29…28…27. Watch the discomfort ball being pulled farther and farther away by some unseen force. Relax your hands…relax your arms…relax your shoulders. Your tension is drifting out…26…25…24. As your upper and lower torso relax, your breathing slows down, your head and neck feelings become, not painful but interesting…23…22…21…19. Negative feelings are detaching from your body as you relax your lower back
and hips…18…17…16. As you relax your thighs and legs the numbers drift still farther away…15…14…13. When you completely relax your ankles and feet, your whole body detaches from discomfort and negativeness…12…11…10…9…all badness is floating far away from your body. Your toes and the soles of your feet feel warm and comfortable…8…7…6…5. All the muscles, nerves, fibers in your body are relaxed, soft, white, pliable…4…3…2…1.