Almost Lost (6 page)

He snickered. “Purged? You mean something like a mental enema?”

“I wouldn't have put it quite that way, but it is an all right simile.”

“Maybe if I think of dumping all my past roadkill as a mental enema, it will help me do it better and quicker and cleaner.”

“Anything that works for you, use.”

“It's a pretty picturesque and gruesome thought, though, isn't it?”

“Not one I think you'd soon forget.”

“I can't wait to get the maggot-infested yuck and stink of it out of my being forever.”

“So you want to go on?”

“I guess it's the only way. Well…I was talking about the flashback action and power and respect feelings. I'm sure they're all bogus now. It's like there are two sides to life. The good and happy and healthy bright light side and the dark, dreary, depressed, drag-you-down-into-the-depths-of-hell side.” Sammy sat silently for a long time, contemplating what he had said, then he started speaking in a strange, almost-frightening, little boy voice. “Do you suppose that could possibly be true, all that good and bad stuff they used to teach me about in Sunday school? All that stuff about being on God's side or Satan's side? Are there any studies or proof of that?”

“I'm not sure about tangible proof, but there are billions of people in the world who believe in both good and bad powers. The Supreme Good Power is called by many different names in many different languages: God, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, etcetera, just as the evil power is given different names in different cultures. It is also interesting that most major religions of the world have some form of the ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' Golden Rule concept.”

“People don't seem to be doing very well at living that concept, though, do they?”

“No, but maybe that's because so many of us haven't had the ‘Let It Begin with Me' mind-set.”

“I sure haven't.”

“But can any of us change our mind-set if we want to?”

“Yeah, I guess so. But like you've said, only
I can change me
and my attitude and actions.”

“You're really coming along, smart Sammy. I'm very proud of you and very happy for your positive, progressive thinking.”

“I'm proud of…and happy for myself! Do you think maybe it would help me to get my life back in order and under control if I started going back to my old church?”

“That is a serious and deep decision that you must make for yourself.”

“I wonder if God would
want
me in His church if he knew what an unbelievable person I've been…what unforgivable things I've done.”

“What does the God you believe in say about forgiveness?”

“I think the Bible has lots of stuff in it about forgiveness.”

“The Talmud, the Koran, and most other scriptures do also. We've talked about this before. Maybe it's time for you to do some deep reflective thinking about your relationship to God as well as to all humanity. You know there is an old, old, old song that goes, ‘I want to be happy, but I can't be happy till I make you happy too'
that
is a lot truer than most people want to believe.”

“I think I believe that's true. In fact I know it is. I guess that most of us are just so busy trying to make ourselves feel good that we don't actually give a damn about how anyone else thinks or feels. That's sad isn't it, and selfish?”

“Again you're right on the button, Super Sam. You know, some people take years to gain the understanding you have. In fact, many people never gain it.”

“I'm just sorry I've blown so much of my life and have hurt so many people.”

Tears started rolling down Sammy's face and onto the front of his T-shirt. He seemed completely unaware of them for a long time.

“Sam, did you know that your tears, at different times, contain different chemicals? When you're crying for joy, for instance, like you probably did when you first came home and your mom and little sisters met you with hugs and kisses, your tears were vastly different chemically than they are now, when you're crying from remorse, or when you're crying from pain or whatever. Isn't that amazing?”

“Yeah, it really is.”

“Have you heard of chemical depression?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, interesting studies are being conducted
to see if chemical changes in the body cause depression or if depression causes the chemical changes, or both
.”

“You mean people can actually
make
themselves depressed to the can't-stand-it stage where I was when I wanted to…to…”

“Blow out your candle?”

“I can't believe the
real me
was in that tortured, defeated place. A place so dark and every molecule of my mind and body being eaten away that…that, thank God no one who hasn't been there could ever conceive it! NOW you've started me thinking about something else weird. Are you trying to tell me that I took what could have been a medium sized depression and trauma and made it into something overwhelming with my self pity and negative thinking?”

“Do
you
think that's possible?”

“I'd never thought of it before but it kind of feels
true somewhere inside my head.
That's
even more disgusting than anything!”

“What is?”

“That
my
hateful, both mental and physical, abuse of myself and others, even before I got into the gang, was at least partially responsible for my downhill slide into…the only way I can describe it is…hell. I wish I'd known then…”

“It's okay. Relax. You're never never going back there, dear kind friend Sammy, you're just going forward for forever from here! Now. Want to know more about the intricacies of the brain?”

Sammy nodded contemplatively.

“There are numerous studies going on regarding what causes what or what feeds what in depression. Great strides are being made relative to how the chemical balance in our bodies changes with feelings of fear, anger, pain, love, joy, etcetera.”

“Wow! Tell me more.”

“All right. The respected neurophysiologist Ralph Gerald said, ‘Behind every crooked thought there lies a crooked molecule.' When asked if there is a chemical for every sadness, he replied, ‘Every sadness
is
chemical!'”

“I'm not sure I get that.”

“Then let me tell you a true fish story. Dr. Ray Fuller, one of the three scientists who worked on the drug Prozac project, tells of an experiment with damselfish. A number of them were kept in a fish tank with a barrier of transparent glass between them and some predator fish. The damselfish naturally thought they would soon be eaten. After a time, the serotonin levels in their brains showed marked changes. That simple experiment illustrates how anxiety, repeated rejection, and other things we experi
ence or think we experience cause neurochemical changes in the brain. A similar experiment with mice and rats on one side of a transparent barrier and cats on the other produced the same neurochemical results, as did one with dogs and cats. Do you understand a little more about how
you
control the chemical changes in your body and mind now?”

“It sounds awesome, stratospheric, science fiction.”

“Science fiction it's not! What happens to
you
when you allow yourself to get angry or afraid or frustrated almost to the point of being out of control?”

“Ummmm, my muscles and nerves and stuff tighten up until…until they feel almost brittle.”

“What happens to your stomach?”

“It knots up and my heart pounds.”

“And adrenaline pumps into your body until the chemicals in every organ and molecule of your body are out of balance. Right?”

“I guess. If that's what makes me have muscle cramps and headaches and stuff.”

“What about when someone hurts you or humiliates you or rejects you?”

“I guess
they
capture me in their sticky black net,
or I think they do
, sort of like the damselfish, or the mice, or the cats.”

“Are the neurochemical changes in your body as real with imagined experiences as with real ones?”

“Probably.”

“What are some of the situations which might change the chemical balance in your body?”

“Hostility, fear, anxiety, feeling unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, jealous, insecure.”

“Do you think that other things which may seem
less significant might cause chemical imbalance also, things like low self-esteem, negativism, pessimism, hateful thoughts and so on?”

“Yeah.”

“What about when a person beats up on himself, or tears himself down, perhaps thinking he is not as good as others, as smart, as nice, as beautiful, as charismatic, as adept in sports, music, art, originality, creativity, or whatever?”

“Man, most of us must have our poor chemical balance popping and flopping up and down all the time.”

“And you and I must never cease being grateful
that our
chemicals flop back into the normal range, for some people have a chemical imbalance that they cannot control.”

“What happens then?”

“Medications have to be prescribed, some temporarily, some permanently.”

“Wow! I never realized
I
had such power over the chemicals in my body.”

“
Only you!

“I wonder if my mom knows how much she lets me affect her chemical balance or imbalance.”

“You could talk to her about it.”

“I think a lot of nice things about her, but I don't often say them. I'm going to start doing that.”

“Kudos to you, kid. And what are you going to do about yourself, about your newfound chemical balance knowledge?”

“I don't know.”

“You know! I know you know!
You
follow the old-as-dirt and healing-as-sunshine AS IF theory.
You
act and think AS IF your positive, optimistic, loving, forgiving, patient, tolerant, helpful, compassionate
acts and words produce healing, balancing chemicals in both yourself and others.”

Sammy became very serious. “I know they do.”

“Then you're well on your way to all the good places you want to go and the good things you want to be.”

“I wish everyone had as much confidence in me as you do.”

“They will soon. Actually as soon as you have confidence in yourself
and to the degree that you have confidence in yourself!
”

“I know it's not going to be as easy as it sounds.”

“Things rarely are.”

“I guess that means we ought to get on with the slop.”

“Maybe not. It's nice to end a session on a good note where possible. You've got a number of positive things to ponder until next time, right?”

“Yeah. Chemical balance, self-confidence, God, and not allowing myself to get turned on by negative past experiences, to name a few.”

“Excellent! You get not only an A-plus, but also a good star on the forehead. You'd make a good therapist. Maybe next time we should trade places.”

“That would be a bummer.”

I tenderly patted his shoulder. “I'm not so sure about that. You've got a lot of really good common sense for a kid your age, but then, most kids have a lot more sense than adults give them credit for.”

Sammy grinned playfully. “Just so you see the superior
wonders
and goodness in
me!
'”

“Yeah, Smart Stuff. Each time I see you from now on, I'll
wonder
when you're going to take over my practice.”

He stood up and hugged me, then pulled back. “I guess it's not okay to hug your shrink…not cool.”

“It's about the coolest thing you could ever do when you're sincere. Smart people can always tell the difference between one emotion and another. And did I tell you about the Listening Room? You can go in anytime you want and listen over and over to your tapes. You may pick up some concepts you missed or just reinforce the positive things we've talked about. You'll probably learn as much or more from what
you've
said as from what I've said.”

Sammy's forehead crinkled. “Don't laugh…but I'm beginning to think
maybe
I can be the same old nice person I used to be.”

“Do you see me laughing?”

SUMMARY OF SESSION

Sammy has amazing perception and a sincere desire to change.

Material Covered: Getting into a gang because he wanted to “belong;” questions about God, depression, chemical imbalance, frightening feelings about himself, listening to his taped sessions.

Samuel Gordon Chart

Wednesday, August 3, 4:00
P.M.

Fourth Visit
SAMUEL (SAMMY) GORDON, 15 years old

 

“Hi, how are you doing today, Sammy?”

“Much better, thanks to you.”

“Little thanks to me, mostly thanks to you. As I've told you before…”

“I know. No one else can change
me
, only
me!
”

“Right on, Dude.”

“Right on yourself, Dudette.”

A series of high fives.

“Guess we better rev up the old garbage dump truck again, huh?”

“Think we're ever going to get the thing completely unloaded?”

“Yep. I do now. I didn't at first, though.”

“That's okay. The past doesn't count, only the present and the future. No black points for your past negs, only shiny gold stars for your pos present. You were telling me about how you were doing the ‘Mom thing' when you were with her and the ‘gang thing' when you were with them, but if you want to talk about something else—anything—it's as all right as all right can be with me.”