Always and Forever (13 page)

Lisa heard him, loud and clear, but it was one thing to be positive and another entirely to simply stick your head in the sand, which was what Matt had been doing. He was trying hard, but . . . she needed to get a grip, refocus.

“Are we still going to get some lunch?” she asked, wishing her emotions weren’t so all over the place and wanting to change the subject. It wasn’t like her to be that way, but she’d been on a roller coaster of a ride over the past nine months. She was almost ready to admit that she needed professional help.
Almost.
But then it would mean actually admitting what she’d done, that she’d terminated her one and only pregnancy, and she wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

“Lunch, then afternoon sex in our dodgy motel room, then dinner,” Matt suggested, giving her one of his too-cute winks. Only she wasn’t quite ready to play along yet.

“How about we start with lunch?” she said.

“Honey D Café?” Matt asked.

She saw his frown. “It looks good.”

“You obviously can’t read the sign. They have a tofu lunch special and a roasted milk tea, sea salt latte. I don’t even know what that is!”

“Come on Mr. Macho Builder, it’s time you tried some tofu.”

“No chance,” he protested.

Lisa raised an eyebrow, holding on to him tightly as she reached for his hand. She was trying, he was trying . . . she just wished they didn’t flip from happy to sad to almost there so often in one day.

“Oh no, not that look,” Matt groaned.

“
Please
,” Lisa begged. “I want to eat tofu together. And crazy sea salt latte concoctions.”

Matt dropped his head. “Okay, fine.” He dragged her closer. “Let’s get this over with.”

12.

TEN YEARS EARLIER

I
can’t believe we just did that,” Lisa whispered against Matt’s skin. His chest was slick, damp with sweat, but she didn’t seem to care.

“If your dad wasn’t going to kill me before, he is now.” Matt groaned but slid his arm protectively around her at the same time. Lisa snuggled in tight to him. “Man, is he going to kill me.”

“I can’t believe you’re talking about my dad when we’ve just . . .” She smiled and he cracked up at the look on her face. “Done it.”

Matt laughed. “Yeah, sorry.”

Lisa kissed him. “I forgive you. Just don’t do it again!”

“I love you,” Matt said, brushing his lips across her head.

She pushed up on one elbow, hair falling over her shoulder and down onto Matt’s face. Lisa stared at him, and he pushed up slowly to press his mouth to hers again, loving the taste of her. He could kiss her all day and never stop.

“You don’t have to say that to me,” she whispered when she pulled back.

“I know,” Matt said, his eyes lazy, half shut as he stared at her lips. Always at her lips. “I only ever say things I mean.”

Lisa kissed him again and giggled when he pulled her arm and made her collapse on top of him. He felt like they were the only two people in the world when they were together.

“Can we . . .” she started, sucking her bottom lip in beneath her top teeth.

“All night long, over and over,” he muttered, arms enclosing her as he rolled them so he ended up above her, staring down at her, blowing a strand of hair off her face before closing his lips over hers.

Matt skimmed a hand down her body, caressed even more softly down the inside of her thigh with his fingertips. Lisa had told her parents she was going camping with friends, a group of girls they’d never have expected her to lie about. He felt bad that she was lying for him,
for them
, but having a whole night with Lisa in the middle of nowhere? It was perfect.

Lisa moaned when Matt’s mouth left hers and he trailed his lips down her neck, kissing her so slow and sweet, his lips damp as he brushed against her skin, teasing her when he went lower, circling his tongue, chuckling when she moaned again.

“I could do this all night,” she whispered, circling her arms more tightly around him and locking her legs around his back, anchoring him against her.

“We’re perfect for each other,” he muttered against her lips as he started to kiss her again. “Because I was just thinking that
exact
same thought.”

Lisa squealed when he rolled them again, putting her back on top, but he wanted to let her take the lead, let her slow things down if she wanted to.

Lisa was his happy place, and he didn’t want to do anything to mess that up.

“Hey, beautiful.”

Matt slung his arms around Lisa’s waist from behind as he spoke low into her ear. He pressed a kiss to her neck and rocked his body into hers.

“Hey,” she whispered back, setting down the knife she was holding and spinning in his arms.

He’d expected her mouth on his, but instead she laid her cheek to his chest and hugged him tight. Matt stroked her back and rested his chin against the top of her head.

“You okay?”

“Uh-huh,” she muttered.

He wasn’t convinced, but he guessed she’d talk when she was good and ready. Because there’d been a lot of action and not much talking since they’d arrived.

“You didn’t have to cook anything,” he said. He’d jumped in the shower and by the time he came out he could smell something on the stove. Not exactly what he expected from an eighteen-year-old.

“It’s just pasta and a tomato sauce. Nothing amazing.”

“So let me help, then,” he said.

Lisa looked over her shoulder at him and he stole a quick kiss. “I’m kinda done, but you could be my taste tester.”

“Aye-aye, Captain! That’s just the type of job I like.”

Lisa leaned back into him as she stirred. They’d rented the little cabin for the night, and they’d stopped off on the way to grab a few supplies. Matt grinned as he thought about the car ride up—they’d hardly been able to keep their hands off each other, and after hours lying in bed and doing everything they’d been waiting,
wanting
to do for so long, he could still feel himself stirring with her body so hard up against his. Once they ate, he was definitely going to be dragging her back to bed again.

“Try this,” she said, turning in his arms and holding out the wooden spoon. He locked eyes with her as she blew on the hot sauce, lips igniting into a fresh smile as she waited for him to taste it.

“I guess I didn’t expect you to know how to cook,” he said, laughing to himself. She managed to surprise him constantly; she might be young, but there was something about her that made him feel like the young one.

“Hey, I’m surprised that you haven’t run out already, so I guess we’re even.”

“It’s good,” he said.

“Yeah?” she asked, looking unsure.

“Hand on my heart,” he said, licking his lips. “Damn good!”

Matt waited for her to put the spoon back and turn again. He tilted her face up with his fingers locked beneath her chin. “You’re gorgeous.”

Her smile was softer now, less sure. “I wasn’t sure you’d still want me, you know, after . . .”

“After sex? You thought I only wanted you for that and once I had it I’d let you go?”

“Well, you don’t exactly have the best track record,” she said, confusing him with the serious look on her face. She dragged her fingers down his chest. “And you can kind of get any girl you want.”

“I’ve been a fricking monk since I met you!” He protested. “And not
any
girl: it’s taken me forever to convince you.”

Lisa laughed, head tilted back, making it obvious the joke was on him. “Poor baby. I know.”

Matt shook his head, a smile playing across his lips even as he tried hard to keep a straight face.

“You have no damn idea, do you? What you’ve done to me?”

She blinked up at him, her doe-eyed stare making her look so damn innocent. But the way she’d keep resisting him, pushing him, making him wait before whispering in his ear one night that she was ready and wanted him . . . Christ! She drove him crazy. Completely fucking crazy!

“Have you looked in a mirror lately?” he demanded.

Matt grinned when her saw her blush, realized he’d managed to embarrass her. She might be young, but she usually called the shots, and he liked catching her out like that.

“You’re so damn beautiful and you don’t even know it.”

He kissed her back when she rose up onto her toes and pressed a soft, barely there kiss to his lips . . . It made him so damn desperate to shove her back against the kitchen cabinets and kiss her roughly, strip her naked again.

“I can’t believe I’m here with you. That I’ve run away with a man.”

“You’d better believe it,” he joked.

“There’s so much I want to know about you.” She snuggled into him again. “You know, you’ve never told me about your mom. It must have been so hard losing her.”

He didn’t want to talk about his mom. Lisa had changed the course of his life, taken the anger out of him and made him happy again just by being her, but it didn’t mean he wanted to talk to her about losing his mother.

“You’re just saying that because you feel guilty lying to your own mom,” he said, trying to change the subject.

“Maybe,” she said. “But I still wonder sometimes what it was like for you. How you got through it.”

“I just did,” he said. “It’s in the past now. And hey, if you keep going on about it, I’m going to have to run out after all. Let’s just have a nice time, just us.”

He laughed, pulling a silly face to make her smile when she didn’t say anything. “So you really thought I wouldn’t want you after this, huh?” he asked, trying harder this time, needing to throw her off topic.

“It’s the only reason I cooked for you,” she joked, making him crack up. “Thought I’d wow you with my culinary skills to make you stay.”

“Very funny,” he said, holding her tight against him again. “I ain’t letting you go. Ever. Culinary skills or not.”

He inhaled the sweet scent of her shampoo, or maybe it was perfume, shutting his eyes as he turned his cheek into her soft hair. He might be crappy at expressing himself, but he wanted Lisa more than anything. When his mom had died, he’d known then he could never go through anything like it again, couldn’t deal with losing someone else he loved. He’d made it clear to every girl he’d been with that it was just casual, and then Lisa had come along with her big blue eyes and her soft, long blonde hair. And then he’d started talking to her, had realized that there was a whole lot more to her than how damn cute she was. Lisa was pretty and sweet, strong and capable. He wanted to tuck her close and beat the hell out of anyone who even thought of hurting her. And just like that he’d fallen, done exactly what he’d earned such a bad reputation for not doing in the past.

“We’re going to have to tell my parents about us,” she said. “I mean, that it’s not just us going on some dates.”

Matt laughed. “Wait, you want to tell your dad that when he thinks you’re tucked up safe in bed at night you’re actually sneaking out your window to jump in my car?” Matt shook his head. “Or more importantly now, my bed? With me doing wicked,
wicked
things to you?”

“Well . . .” Lisa looked up at him, eyes bright and full of something so damn intoxicating he couldn’t get enough of her. “Maybe not the sneaking out part. But we do need to tell them. I’m old enough for them to have to deal with it.”

“Kelly knows,” Matt said, watching her face to see how she reacted.

“You told my sister!”

He hadn’t had to watch her face after all. Her shriek was enough. “Lisa, until we hooked up, she was one of my best friends. She kind of still is. I can’t lie to her; you know that.”

“Does she know we’re here?” Lisa asked.

“Um, no. I didn’t tell her that I was sneaking her little sister away for a dirty night in a cabin with me. But she knows we’re together, that I’m not hooking up with anyone else.”

Lisa looked relieved. “You still shouldn’t have told her about us, not yet.”

“Yeah, I should. Because she told me that she’s seen the way I look at you, watched me pull my shit together since I met you. She knows you’re good for me, and I wanted her to know.”

“But?”

He liked how easily she seemed to be able to read him, knew that there was a
but
, that he wasn’t telling her everything.

“
But
she’s scared I’m going to hurt you. Her beautiful little sister who’s never had her heart broken before.”

“I’m scared of that too, sometimes,” she whispered as he cupped her face, palms to her cheeks as he stared into her eyes.

“I’ve never loved a girl before, but I love you. Real bad,” Matt told her honestly, voice cracking. “You have my word that I’ll never hurt you. Promise.”

Lisa’s lips parted the second before he kissed her, her arms circled around him, warm body pressed to his. He’d fallen for a girl and it felt all kinds of right. Lisa made him forget, Lisa was his new beginning, and he wasn’t going to do anything to mess that up.

13.

PRESENT DAY

W
e are going to be so fat by the end of this trip.”

Matt grabbed her hand as they walked into Scott’s Seafood. Lisa had half-expected her husband to take her to some grungy little seafood place—he was never one to choose somewhere fancy. But she could see out to the river as soon as they stepped inside, and it was perfect.

“We might be fat, but as long as we’re happy, yeah?” he said, winking at her before turning to face the waitress approaching them.

“Are you here for Happy Hour?” she asked.

“We sure are,” Matt replied. “Can we sit at the bar for an hour, then grab a table for dinner?”

The waitress smiled and took their names before telling them to head over to the bar.

“Cocktail?” Matt asked as he reached for the menu.

Lisa shook her head. Matt’s enthusiasm was always infectious, and today was no different, only lately she’d felt guilty every time she was happy. And no matter how hard she tried to stop herself from thinking like that, she couldn’t. “Get me a Bud. I’ll have a beer with you.” She’d never ordered beer before, usually just had a few sips of Matt’s, but she’d been craving it all day. Maybe it was all the sunshine and fresh air she’d been getting, and the fact that she was trying hard to be a fun wife.

She watched as Matt ordered, smiling when he slid a bottle of beer her way.

“I never thought my wife would be swilling beer with me,” Matt said with a grin.

“I know. It’s a bit of a waste only ordering beer at happy hour, isn’t it?”

“It’s not a waste if it makes you happy.”

His words were sweet, so kind, but Lisa found it hard to meet his gaze. She didn’t know what made her happy these days.

“
Are
you
happy?” he asked.

Lisa forced a smile, tried to be brave . . . But all she wanted to do was run back to their room and bury her face in a pillow. How did she tell her husband that every day there was a pain in her so deep she didn’t even know if she’d be able to walk, talk,
think
? That the bursts of happiness she’d had over the last twenty-four hours were only that—sudden bursts that felt great, but only made the crash back to reality that much harder.

Matt pulled his bar stool closer, legs parted so her knees could tuck inside his thighs. They’d always been like that, always touching, and nothing had ever changed between them, until now. Now there was an invisible divide a lot of the time, an awkwardness that meant she had to think about every movement, every touch, instead of being instinctual. She’d often wondered if things would have been different when kids had come along, that this change between them would have happened sooner, but she was one of those women who’d always adored her husband, couldn’t imagine loving her children as much as her man. Until she’d fallen pregnant and had sixteen weeks to think about and fall in love with the little person she was carrying. Then she’d realized that there just had to be enough room in her heart for both.

“I’m happy that I’m alive,” she said honestly, because even though she felt guilty, she
was
happy that she was still walking this planet; that she could breathe and be, and not be six feet under or suffering through chemo.

“Good.” He sipped his beer and she did the same. “Me too.”

“Are you?” she asked. “Happy, I mean?”

“Well, I’m pissed off at the universe for a whole lot of things right now, but yeah, I’m happy enough.”

Lisa leaned in to him, made herself connect with him, and Matt pressed a warm, soft kiss to her forehead. When she tipped her head back to look up at him, she watched his lips, parted hers as he moved closer. Matt kissed her once, then twice, and she sighed into his mouth when he finally pulled back.

“I could do that all night,” she murmured, a weight lifting, reminding her of how good things had been. Once they touched, it always took her back in time, made her feel amazing. Her problem was initiating it.

“Me too,” he whispered back, lips to her ear now, tickling her and making her laugh. “But I’m kinda hanging out for the steak and prawn combo.”

Lisa stifled her laughter. “You’re turning down sex because you want shrimp?” They hadn’t talked about sex, or lack of it, but she was starting to feel like she wanted it again, was craving that connection. She’d bet that no matter what he joked, he was desperate for it, too. But Matt was going easy on her—joking about their sex life made her feel a whole lot
less
bad about the drought they’d been going through.

“I’m a simple man,” Matt said, shrugging as he took a pull of beer. “I need some sustenance before I can be expected to satisfy my wife.” He grabbed the menu and waggled his eyebrows at her over it. “Talking about food, want to grab some of their calamari?”

“When have I ever said no to sharing calamari?”

Lisa leaned over the bar and ordered, then sat back to slowly sip her beer. It was a weird feeling, being in limbo, feeling like she was having to try when her marriage had always been so easy.

When they’d been on vacation before, it was always for a short time, maybe a week, and she’d always known how busy life would be when they returned home, with so many things to do after taking a break. And then, she’d had no regrets, no all-consuming pangs of guilt.

“So you’ve definitely chosen what you’re having?” Lisa asked, taking a deep breath.

He reached for her hand, tucked his fingers tight over hers and pulled a menu closer. “Yeah. Fillet steak with grilled prawns is my pick. Sounds like my idea of heaven on a plate.”

“That’s you and me both, then.”

Lisa took another sip of beer, liking the weight of his hand over hers, wishing she hadn’t pushed him away so much lately. “I know things have been rough, but I love you, Matt.”

Matt gave her a slow, sexy wink. “I know. I love you, too.”

She leaned in and kissed him, focused only on her lips brushing against his.

“Want to go to our table instead of propping up the bar?” he asked.

Lisa nodded. “Sounds like a good idea.”

Matt checked with their waitress as she finished her beer and leaned over the counter to reach for the wine list they’d discarded earlier. More than two drinks and she’d be drunk, but she did like the idea of nursing a glass of chilled wine over dinner.

“Hey, you’re drinking more than me. I’d better catch up,” Matt murmured, pushing up behind her, his groin to her lower back. “And our table’s ready.”

Lisa tipped back, let him trail warm kisses down her neck. “Have you been thinking about Blue?”

He chuckled against her skin. “Right now, Blue is the last thing on my mind.”

Lisa pushed him away when the bartender came over to take her order. She ordered a chardonnay and then turned back to Matt, twisting in his arms, happy to be there.

“I’m worried about him.”

He sighed. “Will you promise not to mention the dog again when I’m kissing you, if I tell you to ring your damn sister and check up on him now?”

She smiled up at him. “Deal.”

Lisa pulled out her phone, grinning when she saw the text she’d missed. “Check this out,” she said as they walked outside.

Matt leaned in, bumping shoulders with her. “Ha, cute.”

The girls were snuggled up to Blue, arms around him, and he had his tongue lolling out, smile on his face like he was the happiest pup in the world.

“I guess I won’t bother calling. He looks pretty happy to me.”

Matt held Lisa’s chair for her, then sat down across from her.

“Sorry to interrupt. Here’s your chardonnay.”

Lisa gave the waitress who’d brought out her drink a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

“I’ll take another Bud.”

“Tonight feels like a good night,” Lisa said, closing her eyes, loving the feel of the coolish wind against her bare skin, the way the beer had taken the edge off whatever she’d been feeling.

“You know, I’ve been praying,” Matt said, chuckling like he’d said something funny.

She laughed even though she knew she shouldn’t. But this was Matt: he wasn’t exactly the church-going type! “You’re kidding, right?” she asked.

“You know, they say that even non-believers pray when they think they’re going to die, or basically just whenever things turn to shit.”

Lisa gulped. “Have we turned to shit?” She stared into his eyes. “I just feel so lost, like most of the time I can’t even catch a breath. But this feels good—
we
feel good right now.”

Matt took a long pull of his beer as she watched. “Hey, there’s a fifty-fifty chance the big man upstairs was listening, because we’re sitting here together now. I might get into this whole praying business.”

“You’re so cute sometimes,” she said, smiling back at him. And he was trying damn hard, she knew that.

“Ditto.”

Lisa laughed, and laughed some more. It wasn’t even that funny; it had just been a long time since she’d actually felt like laughing for the hell of it.

Matt grinned back at her, liking how relaxed things suddenly felt between them.

“Come here,” Lisa whispered, pulling him in close. She kissed him, her lips soft and warm and making him wish they were alone.

“Ah, excuse me, are you ready to order?” the waitress asked.

Matt kept hold of her, holding her hand still. “Ah, two of the filet mignon with grilled prawns,” Matt ordered, “and I think . . .”—he glanced at Lisa—“we’ll start with the fried calamari. It sounds good.”

“Great choice,” Lisa said. “My favorite.”

“Damn right,” he replied. “May as well start here and try it at every restaurant we head to, for old times’ sake. What do you say?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Lisa held up her glass and he held up his beer bottle, clinking his to hers.

“To us and the road trip of a lifetime,” he declared.

“To us and our little trip,” she agreed, taking a sip of wine.

He watched as she settled back in the chair, her eyes leaving his and turning toward the river. It was almost dark but still light enough to see the water, the sun slowly disappearing low in the distance. And still light enough to see the pensive look on her face, the way she disappeared into her thoughts and never seemed to be all there, not all the time anyway.

“So tell me about this market we’re going to in the morning. Are you looking for fabric or just scouting for ideas?” Matt asked. “It’s great you’re enjoying work so much.”

He’d been worried when she’d launched back into running the store, still designing everything herself without any help, but it seemed to be the only thing that made her happy and that meant he wasn’t going to say anything about the long hours she was pulling. Especially not when it was usually him needing to be scolded and told to get his ass back home.

“I’m thinking super-pretty fabric, soft pinks with gold, short little skirts with stretchy waistbands to make them super-comfy and luxurious, and t-shirts. Like what I did this summer but a bit more whimsical.”

Lisa had that wistful look on her face as she looked at him but through him; the look she’d always had when she’d been dreaming up a new collection or new design. It suited her. And he liked that she was passionate about her work.

“Have you ever actually used not-pretty fabric?” he asked.

Lisa loved anything that was pretty, colorful, sparkly or luxurious. He’d never seen her not looking feminine and gorgeous in her clothes, whether she was wearing low-slung pajama bottoms with cute tanks she’d designed or a dress to wear around the house.

She sighed. “I want to design the opposite of how I’m feeling. Clothes that can make women feel fabulous every day, whether they’re picking kids up from school or going to work.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve always designed?” He smiled. “It’s why all those women are addicted to seeing what you were wearing each day on Facebook when you posted pics.”

Her smile turned to a frown, lips hovering down from the happy upturn he’d been watching. “I don’t want to let them down,” she said quietly. “I never explained why I disappeared for a bit, what I’ve been through.”

“Lisa, you wouldn’t have let them down,” Matt said firmly. “And anyone who doesn’t give you a break after what happened? Tell them to fuck off.” Anger pulsed through his body. Was that what she was worried about? What people thought? He hated to think she was feeling any more guilt than she already had to shoulder.

After she’d lost the baby, been given her cancer diagnosis, she’d shut her Facebook and Instagram pages down. And then when she’d finally left the house, she’d started to post again—he knew because Kelly had told him and he’d checked it out for himself. She’d started to pull away from him at the same time she started reconnecting with everyone else.

“Those women were real; they were friends to me. They shared so much and then I just shut it down,” Lisa confessed. “I didn’t feel right just letting that go, and it started to make me feel better, at least while I was plugged in.”

“It’s good,” Matt said, sitting back as the waitress approached and put the fried calamari between them. “You want to work and do everything that you used to do—why the hell not? It’s you.”

“Because I feel like a fraud, like I’m pretending to be someone I used to be when I post pics of me smiling and wearing a cute dress.”

Matt had no idea what to say to that, how to respond. “Lisa, you’re still the same person. We just have such damn big battle wounds. I don’t get why you have to feel guilty about smiling or dressing up nice.”

“We?” she asked, as if she hadn’t heard anything else he’d said.

Matt took a big breath, looked down at his food. He didn’t want to start an argument. All he’d wanted was to be helpful, to say the right thing. He didn’t want to engage; he decided to change the subject.

“So tell me what you’ve been posting lately,” he said.

The waitress returned and he nodded when she offered them fresh cracked pepper, only taking his eyes off Lisa for a moment.

“Everything. Nothing,” Lisa said absently holding her fork as she glanced between him and the food on the table. “I want to share our road trip, make it look fun.”

He heard what she wasn’t saying. “Let’s hope we can make it fun. Then you won’t have to pretend.”