Always and Forever (10 page)

Lisa leaned back in her seat as her husband stroked her leg. She knew how lucky she was to have a partner who had been her best friend for so long—they loved each other’s company and nothing had changed that over the years. Cracks had shown in so many of their friends’ marriages, but maybe having kids had added stress to their lives. Perhaps it was time to feel fortunate that she’d been able to enjoy every second with Matt, that they’d been able to spend so much time together, just the two of them. What they’d been through had tested them, hurt them both, but she was ready to fight, to start over as best she could.

“It feels good to have nothing to do. Nowhere to be,” Lisa admitted.

Matt stayed silent a while before answering. “You’re not already missing the shop?”

Lisa shrugged and stared out the window some more. “Yeah, I am. But I can’t hide away there forever, can I?”

Her store had been her focus for the last six years, something she’d built up from a tiny shop selling her own designs, to a little fashion powerhouse for her creations and more. And then she’d added her online store, which had seen her workload double, but she loved it.

“I’m so pleased you never sold the shop, once we found out you were pregnant,” Matt said, glancing over at her.

“Me too, but the break will be good. It’ll let me focus on refilling the creative well and working on some new designs.” Her design book was packed in the bag at her feet, and she planned on doing lots of sketching and keeping her designs fresh and fun. Even if it was just a few dresses, a pretty skirt and some fun necklaces, it would be good to add to her next collection.

“You do realize that I expect to trawl through vintage markets and look for beautiful fabrics, right?” she asked Matt. “I want to be inspired, to think about what I could design next. I don’t want to be a victim; I just want to be the old me again. To feel everything and love life.”

“Lis, I’ve been your husband for a while now. I fully anticipate being tortured at markets on this trip.” Matt’s words were soft, gentler than usual. “And I want the old you back again, too.”

“Me too,” she whispered, reaching for his hand again, holding it tight. “I really, really want that, too.”

They rode in silence awhile, the scenery whizzing past. Matt felt relaxed, enjoyed just staring out the window and listening to whatever country music the radio station was playing.

“You haven’t told me where we’re going yet,” Lisa said.

He glanced over at her, one hand on the wheel as he settled back into the seat. The Caddy wasn’t as comfy as the Chevy, but he wasn’t about to complain. Driving it with the top down on a picture-perfect day was good enough for him, and the way they were just chatting was making him feel like he could actually get the old Lisa back. Kelly had been right when she’d told him to make more of an effort.

“Sacramento,” he told her. She’d been so busy getting ready to leave that he’d figured it all out himself.

“So you need me to find that on here?”

Matt laughed when Lisa turned the map around, squinting as she stared at it.

“You do realize we’d never have won
The Amazing Race
.” He grinned when she dropped the map, clearly exasperated. “You’d have let us down. But Sacramento isn’t far and I don’t think you need to navigate.”

“Me?
I’d
have let you down?” She made a
humph
kind of noise. “I could have been the driver.”

He chuckled as she picked up the map again, looking like she was about to kick its butt for pissing her off. “Hey, we’d have come out of it smiling. I just don’t think we would have had a shot at actually getting to any of the destinations ahead of the other contestants. And I’d never have let you drive.”

Lisa let out a big sigh. “Okay, I admit it. I’m a bad sidekick. Maps just don’t make sense to me. I mean,
ugh
.”

Matt reached for her hand, linked their fingers together so their connected hands were resting on her thigh. “I didn’t marry you for your map-reading skills.”

She started to stroke his hand, tickling gently across his skin, and it felt good.

“How long will it take?”

“Just a few hours. I thought we’d head to Sacramento, stay the night there before going on to Napa Valley in the morning. Sound okay?”

He took his eyes off the road for a second again, caught her eye. He knew just the mention of Napa would make her smile. Or at least he hoped it would, because deciding to take her back there was about as romantic as he’d ever been.

“It sounds perfect.”

They’d always talked about taking a trip back to Napa. It was where he’d proposed, amongst the vines on a balmy summer’s evening after way too much wine, and where they’d gotten married since it had been their special place. He’d checked them into the same room again, and he couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when they pulled up outside. He was desperate to tell her, but the surprise factor was too good to miss out on. And he had her gift too, the design book he’d thought about that day he’d been parked outside her shop. She might have shot him down on his lunch offer, but he’d still sent Savvy an email to ask her to look for the perfect book and to fill it with pieces of Lisa’s favorite fabrics. He couldn’t wait to surprise her with it when the time was right.

“You tired?”

She yawned in reply. “Yeah. I’m exhausted. I’ve been spending way too long in the shop lately, and then designing into the small hours.”

“Just shut your eyes and chill. You don’t need to stay awake for me.”

“Yes, sir,” she murmured, but when he looked at her, she was smiling.

It was his job to take care of her, to protect her. He’d already failed big time, hadn’t been able to do anything when the doctor had given them the sucker-punch news, and instead of stepping up, he’d just kept on cruising, expecting everything to be okay, not realizing how tough she was going to find the other side of things, coping with what she’d lost. If it had been cancer of another kind, he knew she’d have been so strong, so determined, but losing the baby had knocked the stuffing straight out of her and he needed to find a way of slowly getting it all back.

After a while he saw she was asleep, and he decided to call his dad. He’d told him they were going, but hadn’t exactly had a lot of time to chat before they’d jumped in the car and headed out of town. The night before, when Lisa had been asleep and he’d been lying there, all he could think about was his mom. They were memories he hadn’t been able to shake since Lisa had been diagnosed, and the way he’d treated his dad always played heavily on his conscience. Would their own son, had he lived, have behaved toward him that way if Lisa had died? Would Matt have ended up taking the blame? Matt clutched the wheel tighter with both hands, thinking back to what a shit he’d been.

He dug his nails into his palms and stood taller, forced himself to walk into the church with his head held high, not about to be a jerk when it was his final chance to say goodbye to his mom.

He saw his dad, sitting in the front row with his aunt on one side. Matt gritted his teeth, forced himself to move closer.

“Matt, come sit here,” his dad said.

Matt stopped at the head of the row and sat alone instead, staring long and hard at his dad. He hated him. He hated him so badly that he wanted to hurt him. But instead he sat, kept a lid on his anger, sucked in a breath as his eyes fell on his mom’s coffin. He wondered who’d chosen it, who had decided what his dead mom was going to lie in to be put into the ground.

Then the music started to play, just a piano that sounded haunting in the otherwise silent church. It was full, except for the two front rows. Full of people who’d loved his mom, people he knew and people he didn’t. Family who had traveled from he couldn’t even remember where. And still all he felt was pain.

His dad hadn’t fought hard enough. His dad hadn’t cared enough. If it had been Matt’s wife, he’d have saved her. He would have found someone to help her, he wouldn’t have given up, he wouldn’t have stopped until he’d managed to make her better. If they’d only been honest with him, told him that she was going to die that soon. Because he didn’t believe for a moment that his dad hadn’t known, and they shouldn’t have kept it from him. They should have given him the chance to say goodbye.

“We are gathered here today to remember Candace Williams.” The words washed over Matt, made him reel. He doubled over, thinking he was going to be sick on his shoes. The pain was so bad; the pain was
. . .
He sucked back a breath, fisted his hands tight and pulled up so he was leaning against the uncomfortable wooden pew again.

“Candace was a wife and most importantly a mother, and I would like us all to acknowledge that she has left behind a son whom she was so proud of. A promising quarterback with the world at his feet. I know that Candace would want Matthew to grieve and then live his life knowing that she will always be looking out for him.”

“Screw this,” Matt muttered, jumping up, the inside of the church suddenly spinning as he clutched the back of the pew. He thought again that he was going to be sick, but he forced it down, refused to give in to the nausea.

“Matthew, we feel your pain; we know how badly you hurt. Please don’t go,” the minister said.

“Matt.” It was his father now, on his feet, pleading, holding out a hand to him.

“No,” Matt choked out the word, blinded by a blasting pain that consumed him, that made it impossible to even breathe. “You have no idea how hard this is or what she wanted, and I’m not going to sit here and listen to someone who didn’t know my mom speak a whole lot of bullshit about her.”

“Matt!” His father scolded, taking a step closer.

“You should have fought harder, Dad. You shouldn’t have let her go,” Matt yelled, oblivious to all the people gathered around them. “You should have saved her!”

“Matthew, please.” The minister came closer, but Matt started to walk backward, tripping down the aisle.

“You want to know something about my mom? The truth?” he asked as tears streamed down his cheeks, clogging his throat. “She was the best mom in the world, and she didn’t deserve to die.”

Matt turned and ran out, needing to get away.
I’m sorry, Mom.
He whispered the words inside his head, hoping she could hear him. But she was Mom. She would understand. She was the one person in the world who always got him. They could sit in the same room for hours and she’d never push him, never grill him for information or try to tell him what to do. And when he was ready to talk, she was always waiting, happy to listen and give him a hug, to drop her head to his shoulder and tell him he’d always be her baby. She’d ruffle his hair and he’d lau
gh a
nd push her off, and then she’d fix him something to eat. She’d been at home waiting for him every day after school, or cheering him on at practice. She’d put little notes in his lunch when he’d gotten his first real job over summer vacation, and even though he’d been red-faced from embarrassment, she’d managed to make him laugh.

But she was gone now. And that meant there was no one left to talk to, no one to laugh with and chill out on the sofa with at home. No more stupid notes.

Matt gasped in fresh air as he ran down the road. His legs wouldn’t stop, feet pounding the pavement. When he finally stopped, doubled over and trying to breathe, the nausea came back and he vomited, over and over. His body shook, stomach heaving.

He didn’t ever want to feel like this again. He was never going to get close to anyone else, never going to let himself get hurt again. He didn’t care what happened, as long as he never had to feel pain like this again.

Matt ran all the way home, burst in the front door and yanked open the refrigerator. He took out two of his dad’s beers and went to his bedroom, still panting, his breath short and sharp. Then he dropped to his stomach and pulled out a little container he’d hidden under his bed, one he’d bought from the stoners at school. He opened a beer and guzzled it, then pulled out one of the joints and lit up, using the matches he’d stored under his bed, too. He leaned back, inhaled deep, coughed as the marijuana filled his lungs.