Am I Boring My Dog? (4 page)

Even if you’re not the type to be swayed into getting a diminutive Mexican dog because you saw
Beverly Hills Chihuahua,
or a Bull Terrier because Budweiser’s Spuds Mackenzie reminds you of your favorite uncle, emotion is bound to play a role in your breed choice nevertheless.

So step away from the computer, stop ogling pictures on
Petfinder.com
, and quit reading surveys on the best dog to get to attract members of the opposite sex or to promote a desired self-image. Instead, do some research into what your day-to-day life with an actual dog is likely to involve. The American Kennel Club’s
Complete Dog Book
is a good place to start, but it doesn’t cover all the negatives of health and temperament. Other books, including
The Perfect Match
by Chris Walcowicz and
Paws to Consider
by Brian Kilcommons and Sarah Wilson, are more honest about the downsides of various breeds.

As soon as you come up with some possibilities, look into whether there’s a reputable breeder or breed rescue group near you. You might not get pedigreed puppies through a rescue group, but the advantage of going through one, even aside from the good karma, is that such groups are deeply invested in wanting to minimize returns and euthanizations. As a result, they’ll evaluate you and your family situation carefully to determine whether a particular dog would be a good fit.

And always remember: dogs within any breed are individuals, even if they have the same parents. Think about it; are you and your siblings precisely alike? Are your offspring—other than identical twins—clones of each other?

With that caveat, here’s a quick sketch of some breed groups you’re likely to encounter in your research. They’re based roughly on the categories established by the United Kennel Club (
www.ukcdogs.com
), which emphasize historic working roles more than the categories used by the American Kennel Club, which focus on appearance.

Pointers, retrievers, setters, and spaniels—these are the sleek hunting dogs likely to turn up in an episode of
Masterpiece Theatre.
They generally require
lots
of exercise, and are especially fond of roaming off-leash, so if you want them to come back to you, you’ll need to train them well. The retrievers, in particular, like to swim, so don’t take them to the beach unless you’re sure they won’t keep going down the coast.

Note:
The spaniels in this group are sometimes called Flushing Spaniels. This alludes to their ability to flush birds from their hiding places, not the ability to ensure themselves a fresh supply of water when they drink out of the toilet bowl.

We’re talking Collies, Cattle Dogs, Sheepdogs, German Shepherds … generally, anything with “sheep,” “shepherd,” or other types of livestock in their names (the Welsh Corgi is among the exceptions, both in its name and the length, or lack thereof, of its legs). No surprise: these pups like to round up and protect—and that means you, your kids, your other dogs, your cats … If they can’t get a herding gig, they’ll settle for retrieving, so be prepared to do a lot of Frisbee throwing.

Every flock requires not only a herder but also a guard to ensure that there’ll be livestock to herd, thus the ascent of such large, tough breeds as the Rottweiler, Doberman Pinscher, Great Dane, Boxer, and Saint Bernard. The biggest of the big, used as personal muscle for ancient warlords, often have “mastiff” in their names. This group tends to be smart and devoted, and members can be major sweetie pies, but they need to be shown who’s paying their wages early on if you don’t want them to lean on you.

These big furballs, which include Akitas, Chow Chows, Malamutes, Huskies, and anything with “spitz” in their name, were assigned the same herding, hunting, and guarding tasks as the breeds already mentioned, only they performed them in the cold. No surprise, then, that they don’t like vacationing in Florida or Arizona. They take their jobs seriously, and can be hard to handle without clear direction.

Airedale, Jack Russell, Scottish, Soft-Coated Wheaten … having a dog with “terrier” as a surname is a dead giveaway that you’re dealing with a feisty, high-energy pup. (Undercover terriers include the Miniature Schnauzer and German Pinscher.) The smaller terriers were bred to get rid of rodents and vermin, which means they love to tunnel and dig. Members of this group tend to be endlessly amusing but very strong-willed. If you don’t watch it, they’ll have you trained to do their bidding in no time.

Thin, elegant, graceful, and
fast,
this group includes Afghans, Greyhounds, Borzois, and Whippets. Although they’re excellent hunters, they also tend to be gentle and sensitive; don’t insult them or they’ll take off in a flash. But these guys know how to relax when they’re not on the clock; around the house, they’re quintessential couch potatoes.

In contrast to the upscale sporting dogs, these hunters—they include the Bloodhound, Beagle, and Coonhound—often get roles in films like
Deliverance.
Because they keep their noses close to the ground to track their quarry, many of them have short legs (badgers were once the Dachshund’s specialty). They’re used to running in packs, and are happy to have your family serve that role, but have a tendency to bark and howl, the better to let you know they’ve treed some creature—or would like to. Initial training should take place inside the house; when outside, these dogs are easily distracted by all those exciting scents.

Of course, it’s not only small pups that make good pals; indeed, most of the toys—among them the Chihuahua, Maltese, Pekingese, Papillon, Pug, Miniature Poodle, and Yorkshire Terrier—originated in one of the other breed groups. It’s just that these portable pets never really had another job description besides “go forth and be adorable,” so nap snuggling is a task at which they excel. Don’t let their cuteness deter you from serious training, however; small dogs that follow their own inclinations can be just as annoying as their larger counterparts, if somewhat less capable of doing major damage.

A few other variables that transcend breed include the following.

A large dog doesn’t necessarily have more energy or need more exercise than a small one. There’s no question, however, that the size of your grocery bill will be directly proportional to the size of your dog. In addition, some dogs are more likely than others to incur high vet costs. Boxers, for example, are prone to heart disease and gastrointestinal ailments, while German Shepherds are subject to hip dysplasia.

Sometimes these two cost categories overlap—many large dogs have a tendency to ingest undigestible items that require surgical removal. For example, Schatzi, a sweet Bernese Mountain dog I know, likes to eat tennis balls, pantyhose, and beach towels, among other items. These omnivore tendencies—which her owners have tried to anticipate and head off, to no avail (see “Intelligence,” in the later section)—have already landed Schatzi in the doggie ER twice.

There are two types of allergies to consider when it comes to a dog’s coat: an allergy to fur and an allergy to vacuuming. Double-coated dogs such as those in the Northern group sometimes shed the equivalent of another dog. In contrast, Poodles, Cairn Terriers, and the hairless Chinese Crested are among the dogs that are unlikely to make you sneeze—or clean.

Naturally, you want a really smart pup, right? Maybe—and maybe not. Intelligence is not necessarily the most desirable trait to seek in a dog. As with really smart people, high IQ pups can be high maintenance; not only will they figure out how to open your refrigerator and eat last night’s pot roast, but after they do so they’ll want to know what’s next on the agenda. They often get bored easily. In contrast, some canines that never make the dean’s list may be appealingly mellow. And after you get them to catch on to the connection between the peculiar vocalizations you’re making and the behavior you expect from them, they’re happy to go along with your program. According to Stanley Coren in the
Intelligence of Dogs,
out of 79 evaluated, the breeds that rank highest in the “working intelligence” category are the Border Collie, Poodle, German Shepherd, Golden Retriever, and Doberman Pinscher. The Borzoi, Chow Chow, Bulldog, Basenji, and Afghan have been relegated to the brains basement.

As defined by the ASPCA, a puppy mill is any large-scale commercial breeding operation where profits are given a higher priority than the dogs’ well-being. Although they’ve only recently begun to get widespread and well-deserved censure, these mass puppy producers have been around since the 1960s, when the demand—fed by franchises that realized putting adorable doggies in the window was the best way to draw people in to buy pet supplies—began outstripping the supply. Today, about 5,000 such operations, many on farms in the Midwest and Pennsylvania formerly devoted to raising pigs and chickens supply many of America’s pet stores.
⁷

These stores and boutiques, which tend to be in upscale malls or posh neighborhoods, hide the (often literally) dirty secret of the origins of their cute customer magnets. Puppy mills or factories have been found crowding some 1,000 dogs into facilities that are at best sterile and devoid of opportunities for social contact but far more frequently unsanitary and cruel.

But the puppies at least have to
look
healthy to be salable, although many have genetic defects based on bad breeding practices, not to mention diseases spread by overcrowding. The conditions under which the breeding mothers literally labor are far worse. Many of these dams, whom the public never sees, spend their entire lives in wire cages stacked one on top of the other, and left in cold, dark sheds. Because it costs more to secure the services of a vet than to get a new dog to push out puppies, sick mothers are often left to starve to death when they outlive their usefulness. Sometimes this occurs even when the dogs aren’t sick but when a particular breed goes out of fashion.

Feeling upset enough yet? Here’s more: Most of these doggie gulags are completely legal. They operate under the same USDA regulations applied to farm animals slated to be killed and consumed—except that, when the livestock consists of puppies, even fewer inspectors are assigned to ensure that conditions are even minimally humane.

Pet stores aren’t the only places that purvey canine unfortunates.
⁸
Beware of ads in local giveaway papers and vendors hawking “purebred” puppies on street corners. True, the
Penny Saver
advertisers and sidewalk hawkers may only be backyard breeders—as amateurs looking to make a buck off their best friends are known—as opposed to puppy mill operators trying to get around the bad press and lemon laws associated with selling their wares through pet stores. But in neither case do you get a guarantee of the health or temperament of the dogs being sold, nor verifiable information on the conditions under which they’ve been raised.

These days, the Internet is a major source of mass-produced puppies. Shady dog vendors keep few records, but it’s a good bet that virtual sales are catching up with, if not outpacing, brick-and-mortar transactions. You’d be surprised how many people are taken in by slick-looking websites, sending money for long-distance pets without even requesting references. I’m not sure which is worse—actually receiving a puppy mill graduate who might be seriously ill and break your heart as well as your bank account, or wiring money to Nigeria and getting no dog at all.

Which brings me to the question of how to find a reputable breeder. Because one of the things that makes breeders reputable is their focus on one or, at the most, two breeds—thus allowing them to acquire in-depth knowledge of everything from standard appearance and temperament to health problems—you first need to decide on the breed you’re interested in. In addition, attending local dog shows and agility trials sanctioned by the American Kennel Club or the United Kennel Club is a good way to check out different types of dogs in action and to meet breeders. However, these shows—which are not held in every town—don’t give you the chance to make the acquaintance of less peppy and performance-oriented pups.

After you decide on a breed, seek referrals through friends, veterinarians, groomers, and through the AKC or UKC; these last two groups offer comprehensive lists of good breeders throughout the United States. Make sure to look for someone within easy visiting distance, because no matter how much you trust a referral, you’ll want to check out a breeder’s premises personally.
⁹

When you’ve found some promising possibilities, let the scrutiny begin.

Before making a trip to visit the premises, ask the following questions.

 

This is a trick question. An affirmative answer suggests that mama dog is kept bare-pawed and pregnant more frequently than is good for her health. Once-a-year breeding is ideal; more than twice borders on abuse. Good breeders keep a list of interested buyers to contact when the next litter is available.

A corollary of this question is “How soon after he’s born can I get the puppy?” Be suspicious of any breeder willing to separate a puppy from dam and siblings before eight weeks at a minimum.